Noelle.
I'd made it back home in time for my shoot that I had booked. Lani was complaining about being hungry even though before we made it I'd stopped and gotten her chick-fil-a. I rarely like bringing her with me when I have shoots cause she loves being under me 24/7 when I'm in her vicinity, and as much as I loved that, and loved that I was fortunate enough to be able to bring her to work with me, I couldn't have her on my hip while photographing my clients.
If the clients have children, she'd play with them while their parents did their pictures and if not, she watched, or played on her IPad. She was obsessed with my assistant Erica, always wanting to sit under her desk, so sometimes she'd be with her. I loved that she felt comfortable around her, cause it normally takes her a while to warm up to people, or at least it did when she was little. She was really growing up, I could cry just thinking about it.
"Mommy I want ice cream" she spoke from the backseat of my car, "Leilani, if you're hungry, you're going to eat food. Ice cream is a snack, not a food" I Spoke, stopping at a red light and looking at her little face in my rear view mirror. "I'm not hungry. I want a snack" she replied, I could sense the lie in her voice and see it on her face. "I'll stop and get ice cream but you're not getting it until we get home and you eat real food" I replied sternly, setting that boundary. She'd forgotten who I was for a minute, I had to take a small breather and fix my tone before I spoke to her cause she doesn't do well with raised voices.
"Can I have strawberry please" she beamed, "Yes, my love, you can have strawberry. What do you want to eat when we get home?" I asked, keeping my eyes on the road, going to a Dairy Queen not too far from home. "Ummm... Ice cream" she spoke. "No ma'am" I replied quickly, a small laugh escaping my lips as she giggled, realizing that she couldn't trick me. I know I probably shouldn't have laughed, but she can be so funny to me sometimes. She really tried to sneak that in, negative.
"Can I have a corndog?" She asked. When I promised her something sweet after dinner, she always wanted a corn dog. Just one, cause the faster she eats dinner, the faster she can have her snack. I hate and love the fact that she's so smart sometimes. I've learned to pick my battles as a parent, cause I try to make sure she has a vegetable with every meal, but I was willing to let her have it tonight. Mama is tired and ready to finally get her laid down and to lay myself down in my own bed.
"Anything you want" I replied, pulling into Dairy Queen. I got our orders in and pulled through the line, singing the soundtrack to trolls two with my child happily. After getting the goods, we pulled off before Lani's soft voice cut through the music, "Can I hold my ice cream?" She asked, a smile on her face. I turned around to look at her, "Yes, you can. But if you open it, you won't get it when we get home" I spoke, holding eye contact with her so that she knew I was serious. She held my gaze, nodding her head sweetly as I handed her the mini blizzard. We continued to sing as we drove home happily.
When making it home, I put our ice cream into the freezer and turned on the airfryer, letting it preheat, "Go ahead and pick you out some pajamas, you have school in the morning" I bent down in front of my daughter, pressing a kiss to her head as she rubbed her eye sleepily and wrapped me in a small short hug as I embraced her little body back. I checked my phone for the first time in hours as she walked away to her room, and saw a message from Logan, we'd texted during our whole flight, giggling and chuckling from our seats at our messages like middle schoolers. We had a flirty exchange when we landed and got off the plane, he made sure he was standing behind me so he could talk to me when getting off the plane. He even managed to get Leilani to laugh at him, which was another thing that was rare for her when meeting new people.
Logan:
Why don't you show me your favorite places in San Francisco tomorrow? We can go early, maybe go to a coffee shop.
I found myself smiling at the message, who was this white man and why was I smiling at my phone like a 15 year old? I quickly stopped myself from smiling, setting my phone down when the airfryer beeped. Right on time. I put Leilani's mini corndogs in and set a timer for 10 minutes as she emerged from the room. "Mommy I wanna wear the soft pink ones. I picked out clothes for school too" she beamed as I smiled back down at her, "You're such a big girl, I can't believe you're growing up on me" I gushed, kneeling in front of her on the kitchen floor.
I embraced her and fake cried on her shoulder as she giggled and I felt her hand caressing my afro. "Hold me" I whined through the fake tears how she used to do me a few years ago, letting some, but not all, of my body weight go limp on her as her giggle quickly turned into a full belly laugh now, struggling to hold me up, "Mommy, you're too heavy" she spoke through giggles as her body got lower and lower to the ground. She eventually laid on her back as I laid my head on her stomach.
Her laugh died down as she laid there, caressing my Afro. "Can you do my hair like yours one day?" She asked. I grinned, lifting my head to look at her, "Yeah, absolutely. It takes time so you might have to wake up a little earlier for school" I replied. Her face screwed together at the sound of waking up early, "You can just take me after" she replied, waving her hand in the air in a dismissive way as I laughed, "You mean late, baby. I can take you to school late" I corrected with a smile at the sass yet seriousness in her voice. "Yeah, late. I can just go late" she corrected herself. Her lack of laughter made me laugh harder cause I knew she was serious. She had so much personality for her age, it never failed to make me laugh.
"We'll see" I replied, standing up off the floor, reaching her hand out as she grabbed mine and I gently helped her up. In a swift movement, I picked her up and threw her on my back as she laughed, holding on and wrapping her legs around me, "Alexa, play 'It's All Love' by Anderson Paak" I spoke, turning on the LED lights that lined the back of my living room Tv and under the couch, having it change colors with the beat of the song.
"Playing 'Its All Love' by Anderson Paak, Justin Timberlake, Mary J. Blige, and George Clinton from the 'Trolls World Tour' soundtrack on Apple Music" Alexa spoke, "Alexa, volume maximum" my daughter yelled from my back as Alexa obliged, turning the volume to its maximum. The song began as I danced around with Leilani on my back, as we both sang and she giggled and I ran around the dining room and into the kitchen. During the song, I eventually got tired and put her down and we danced around together, hand in hand, laughing at each others dance moves.
I danced like a black untie at a cookout, causing Lani to laugh, as she mocked me with her own giggles. I hyped her up, in tune with the beat of the song, clapping song with the song, "Go Lani, go Lani" I chanted as she danced and she grabbed my hands so I could join her. As the song came to an end, we both collapsed on the floor, her laying across my stomach, our breathing heavy as she burst out into a fit of giggles, "You dance like an old lady" she laughed, clutching her stomach, as I assumed she was thinking about my dancing. "Hey! I'm only 24!" I laughed back, as I smelled the air, "Mommy, my corndogs" Leilani laughed, sitting up to look at me. "Oh shit" I mumbled, thinking she didn't hear me as she "oohhh"'d at me.
I covered my mouth at my realization as I stood up and ran over to the airfryer, turning it off. How I managed to burn one of the easiest things to make? Who the hell knows. I put on an oven mit and pulled the rack of burnt mini corndogs out of the little oven and sat it in the sink, letting it cool down. I turned to look at my daughter who looked at me with big eyes, "A sandwich sound nice?" I asked, a small smile forming on both of our lips as she nodded her head. "One bread please" she giggled as I nodded back with my own smile and went to the fridge and Lani disappeared to the back.
I started making the sandwiches when my daughter emerged, standing behind me, her iPad in her hands as I continued making sandwiches, adding turkey, lettuce, tomato, and cheese. By the time I was done, my phone rang from next to me as I looked down at it, Aria. I'd completely forgotten to let her know we made it safely. I wiped my hands and answered the call and she was laughing, my brother behind her. "How the hell did you burn corndogs?" Aria exclaimed, Keith laughing behind her, his game controller in his hands as I smiled, turning around to look at my daughter who was holding her iPad with her eyes wide and a grin on her face.
My own damn child? I laughed through the phone, "Lani was supposed to keep that a secret" I laughed, tickling her neck with my pointer finger. "TT Aria, we were dancing and mommy forgot they were in there. And she said a bad word" she giggled, a small hand covering her mouth. She telling all my lil business tonight huh? I laughed, feigning offense, "In my defense, I was having a really good dance battle with Leilani, and I forgot they were in there until the song went off. I guess ten minutes was too long" I laughed.
"Keith would still eat them" Aria giggled into the phone, attempting to whisper it, as Keith put his hand on Aria's forehead and pulled it from out of the camera, his head now taking her spot as he pulled her eyebrows up in the process, moving his mic from his mouth and pulling one side of his headpiece off his ear. "No the hell I wouldn't, them too burnt, even for me" he replied, putting his headphones back over his ear, his mic now back to his mouth as he let her head go then kissed her temple.
She laughed at the sensation and went back to talking, "Lani sent me a voice message before she sent the picture. She said "TT, my mommy burnt my food" then another one that said "Maybe she might let me eat my ice cream for dinner"" she finished, causing all of us to burst out in laughter, "She's been bothering me about that ice cream since before she got it. She even asked me to hold it while we were in the car like I was gonna eat it" I replied, as Lani was now sitting at a bar stool, her sandwich in front of her.
She'd locked her iPad and sat it aside, knowing the rule about no screen time while eating. I tried to let her have it, but she took the longest amount of time while eating cause she was too into her educational videos to eat. While it's good that she loved learning, she also needed that separation between when it was time to be on a device and when it was time for dinner. I showed Aria our sandwiches, "We're having sandwiches then after a shower she's gonna have her ice cream" I spoke, taking a seat next to my daughter, my phone in hand.
"Mommy" I heard Lani's voice. I looked down at her and she stared at me. I knit my eyebrows, "Wh-" I started, as her eyes looked at my phone then back up at me before her eyes cut to her iPad that was sitting on the other side of the counter. I smiled, "Aria, I have to go. Your niece is insisting that I follow the 'no screen time while eating' rule also" I added as her and Keith both laughed at my words. "We love you Nani, sleep well!" Aria exclaimed as Keith threw in a 'love you' to her as well, his eyes never leaving his game, controller firmly in his hands.
"Love you Noelle" they both spoke, "love you too" me and Leilani spoke at the same time as the call came to an end and we ate our sandwiches in silence. "Mommy, are Uncle Keith and TT Aria married?" She asked, looking down at her sandwich then up at me. I looked down at her, "Not yet, hopefully they will be. They're only boyfriend and girlfriend for right now though" I replied, picking up my sandwich and taking a bite. She looked thoughtfully, chewing her sandwich before her mouth was empty and she spoke again, "I have a boyfriend" she spoke, looking up at me.
I nearly choked on my sandwich before I looked down at her, taking a piece of bread from out the corner of my lips that got stuck from the bite I just took, "A boyfriend?" I asked, a mouth full of sandwich, my hand covering my mouth. She nodded her head and looked up at me. "Yeah, his name is Titus, he's in my class. He's already five though. He's my friend and he's a boy" she replied. A hand flew to my chest at the realization that she didn't seem aware as to what a boyfriend was. "Lani, what is a boyfriend?" I asked, checking to see if my suspicion was right. "It's when you have a friend and he's a boy" she replied, looking up at me with big doe eyes as if I was the one confused.
"Yes, that's true. But TT Aria and Uncle Keith are the type of boyfriend and girlfriend where they want to marry each other. They love each other in a different way than mommy loves you, or the way mommy loves uncle Keith and TT Aria" I replied, trying to explain as best as I can. How do I explain things like this to a 4 year old? Almost 5. She shook her head, a look of disgust filled her face, "I don't want to marry Titus, that means I have to kiss him. I don't want to kiss him. I like Titus as a friend only" she replied shaking her head as I smiled, happy to know this information. I'd hate to have to hem Titus up against a wall for trying to smooch my child, his momma too if I had to. I pulled her to me and kissed her head, "Good. It's okay to just want to be his friend." I ensured her, releasing from the hug as we ate and talked about all types of stuff.
After a while, Nani took a quick bath, washing the day off of her. When she got out, she changed her clothes and I brushed her hair and put it in two French braids going to the back as a protective style and put her bonnet on her. She slid on her house shoes and stared up at me as I lotioned down her feet, she was asking with her eyes for her snack as I smiled, nodding my head and she smiled and happily went into the kitchen, grabbing her ice cream from the freezer. She sat on the couch and watched tv for a while, it was nearly 8:00.
I picked up my phone, remembering that I never texted Logan back. Part of me wanted to take him up on his offer, but part of me wanted to run away from him. God was most definitely breaking down this exterior of mine, and as much as I wanted to fight it, I knew it wouldn't get me anywhere in life and only make things harder for me in the end. I thought about how to reply before taking a screenshot and sending it to my sister, "I'm not smooth anymore, what do I say?" The message read. She immediately texted back, "obviously say yes. What's taking you so long to reply? It's been hours" she replied, taking note of the fact that he texted me at around 6:30 and it was now 8:15. "I have a child, you know" I replied with a laughing emoji. "Oh shit, I forgot, my b" she replied, causing me to laugh out loud at her message. I laugh reacted before swiping out of our messages and opening my message thread with Logan.
How do I say yes without seeming disinterested but also without sounding like I'm too interested? Dating is hard, I don't know how to flirt through text, I'm better face to face. When I first spoke to him, I didn't expect him to want my number and to actually hang out. I guess to have that vision from God that I got to be manifested in the physical, I had to at least speak to men, I forgot about the actual talking, getting to know, and crushing stage before being in a relationship then eventually married part existed. This was taking too much of my brain capacity just thinking about it.
"Sure. What time were you thinking?" I texted and sent with a quickness before I lost all courage. I looked down at the message, eyes wide as he immediately started typing, then the bubbles went away. I locked my phone then joined my daughter, ice cream in hand, as she giggled sleepily at the tv. A bath with lavender and melatonin soap always does the trick. She laid her head on me, "Mommy, can I sleep with you tonight?" She spoke sleepily. I caressed her head, "Of course, my love" I replied, staring down at her. "You ready to lay down now?" I asked, her eyes closed at the sensation of me rubbing her head as she nodded her head gently.
I picked her up, taking her to my bedroom to lay her down in my bed, my fan across the room on the highest setting, spinning. I'd had sheer curtains and the outside light shone through my bedroom window, giving me a bit of light, which I liked. I hated sleeping in a pitch black room. She rolled over to my spot, the blanket tucked under her chin, covering her tiny body as I smiled watching her. I guess I'll take the other side, she owns the bed tonight.
I gathered myself some pajamas and changed into them, throwing my clothes in the dirty clothes basket, slipping on my house shoes. I went back to the living room and dining area and picked up, folding the throw blanket and placing it neatly on the couch. I went to the kitchen and disposed of the burnt corndogs and laughed to myself as I loaded the dishwasher then swept the floor. Being a parent is one of the best things to ever happen to me. If all of my days with Lani could be as great as today was, I'd have 17 more if I could. Exaggeration, don't quote me there.
The more days we have like this, the more I tell myself how damn good of a job I'm doing while doing this by myself. My child wants for nothing and has the life that I dreamed of having when I was a child, but I couldn't help but to keep thinking how much different things could possibly be if she had her dad in her life. The guilt was eating me alive, and while most times I was able to stomach it, since going back to Seattle and running into him my very first day back, I couldn't help but to take that as a sign. Of what, exactly? I'm not sure. But it had to have some meaning, just like the dream.
I shook my head, pushing it to the back of my mind, as I picked my phone up and opened my message from Logan, "Noon alright?" The message read. I replied, "Yeah, I'll let you know where to meet me" I replied, ready to lay my head down on my own pillows and head to bed for the night. I could clean the house more in the morning after taking Lani to school, I was beat and definitely jet lagged. I was unsure of how tomorrow would go, but I decided to leave that for me to deal with tomorrow. I said a prayer before turning on my tv just to turn around the opposite way and scroll on my phone until sleep found me.
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AN: I got some realll exciting stuff coming, this book rlly bout to go crazy, for me, personally. I hope y'all like it hehe. Keep in mind that it is a slow burner! So the couples that are together right now might not be together for the entire duration of the book. Muah! Peace & blessings my loves! 💋