TW: @lc0h0l, v0m!t!ng, mental health issues, self-h@te, v0m!t!ng, mental breakdowns, gvn$, and minor v!0l3nc3.
A/N: Since the author of HWAFL himself dared me to make my own version of his latest fic, I decided to take it and do it bc I couldn't stop imagining how my OCS would react in this situation.
Xander belongs to BloonofSteel; Butcher, Sheriff, Hillbilly, Marie, Patrick, Jerry, and Harold belong to gojifan2006 and Stacy and Oleg belong to Im_a_queer_*bleep*tard_and_Im_proud_of_it. Their links will be posted in the comments. :)
Essie, Affie, Penelope, and Melody belong to me and everyone else belongs to Dokki.Doodlez and Handzy.
When Melody and Penelope came back after a fun hangout with GF, they were NOT expecting to see Krus drvnk and singing Narcissist by Alessandra Mele (bc it's releasing tomorrow and I just HAVE to promote it) with a LOT of conviction and emotion.
What's even more surprising is the fact that despite his !n3br!@t3d state, he was singing clearly and with a lot of vocal control.
"CAN'T YOU SEE I'M CRYING?" Krus sung. "CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BROKEN?"
"STILL FALLING FOR THE SAME OLD TRICKS
YOU'RE A BROKEN HEART THAT CAN'T BE FIXED
GIVING ME THE WHOLE WORLD
AND SET IT ALL ON FIRE
'Cause you do it for the [heck] of it...
You're a [gosh]darn narcissist..."
"What's up with praded?" Melody asked.
Selever noticed the two and chuckled. "Hey, Double Dutch [Bish]. Hey, midget #2."
"Please stop calling us those nicknames." Melody and Essie said in annoyance.
"NEVAH!" Selever maniacally cackled before becoming serious. "To answer your question, I...uh...I meant to prank Ruvyz[bish] by sneaking vodka in his cup, but I ended up accidentally putting it in Simp I's cup instead."
Stacy turned to her nephew. "For one, what made you think that was a good idea? And for two, please stop referring to us with vulgar and rude nicknames."
"For one, I thought it'd be funny to see your bro drvnk since he's never had b00z3 before and I didn't know that your dad had a low-[a-word] tolerance. For two, I AIN'T LISTENING RAINBOW SNOWFLAKE BI-"
Stacy lost her cool, which was a bit of a rare occurence for her. "I SWEAR SELEVER, I CANNOT WITH YOU SOMETIMES!"
"What the [heck] did I ever do to you?" Ruv asked, his eye twitching as he looked at his son. "We used to be so close when you were younger."
Selever went radio silent as Marie looked at her dad, Hillbilly, who was also drvnk but on whiskey instead of vodka.
"Oh [gosh]..." The businesswoman and divorcee muttered, knowing full well what CHAOS could occur with her dad !nt0x!c@t3d.
Just then, Oleg, Melody, and Penelope screamed and clung onto Essie, Affie, Jerry; Oleg's BFF and love interest, as Krus' surrogate father, Butcher, and his alleged brother, Sheriff, fell through the ceiling and wrestled.
"WHAT IN THE ACTUAL [FUNK]?!" Selever and Ruv asked in unison.
"La- *hic* language, you two." Krus slurred out.
Xander couldn't help but chuckle amidst the chaos that was occurring. "I love how even though you're [crap]faced and just sung a song with, like, two swear words, you still care about scolding people for profanity."
Oleg was on the verge of p!$$!ng his pants. "First, Selever gets papachka drunk, and now Butcher and Sheriff broke in here, literally, and are now fighting each other TO THE D3@TH? HOW CHAOTIC CAN THIS DAY GET?"
Butcher turned to Krus, who was hiccuping and giggling like an idiot. "Son? Are you alright?"
"I'm fiiiiiiiiine, papa Vlad." Krus slurred out reassuringly.
Butcher was not buying it. "...Uh huh..."
"I'm fiiiiiine..." Krus repeated.
Sheriff rolled his eyes. "If it isn't my 'brother's' control freak of a son..."
Stacy and Oleg restrained Rsch and Hillbilly as they stood up and glared at Sheriff. "THE [HECK] DID YOU JUST SAY ABOUT HIM?"
Krus shakily stood up as the @lc0h0l in his system and years of bottled up stress and d3pr3$$!0n caught up to him from just one sentence.
"It's alright, you two. I can handle this."
"But-" Rsch and Hillbilly were cut off.
"I can handle this." Krus repeated, his breathing ragged as he walked over to his surrogate father's supposed brother, the latter who happened to be twice the former's height (aka a whooping 18FT).
"What did I ever do to you? Ever since I first met you when I was 5, I have wanted NOTHING MORE than your approval and to be close to you. You're calling me a control freak...but you don't even know me. You don't even TRY to get to know me like I'VE tried to get to know YOU."
Krus scoffed, tears forming in his eyes as he began to have a mental breakdown. "I don't care anymore. I don't care that my late relatives are most definitely watching this with disdain and disappointment as they look at me because if I were them, I'd be disappointed in myself as well. I don't care anymore that I'm not supposed to lose control because I'm just SO. [DANG]. TIRED."
The tears in his eyes rolled down his cheeks like waterfalls. "I can lose control. I can lose control if I want to. In fact...In fact, I can do it right now. I can lose control. I'm gonna let it go...I can let go and this time..."
His breathing grew rapid. "THIS TIME I'M NOT GONNA CH0K3 IT DOWN!"
The Sheriff arched an eyebrow. "What are you waiting for? Hit me with your best $h0t, then."
"Define "letting it go" and "not choking it down"..." Xander and Affie said at the same time as dread washed over them.
Krus took a deep breath before answering. "I am my mamachka's son, and as she once said; "выбрасываю твое печенье is a better way to relieve stress and tension than crying"."
"That's definitely not true..." Ruv, Xander, and Oleg said in unison.
Essie, Affie, Selever, Rasazy, and Stacy, turned to Skurava's ghost with a "WTF" look.
Skurava turned away from everyone in shame. "I was raised with that mentality ingrained in my mind and it took me YEARS to unlearn it."
"Vybrasyvayu tvoye pechen'ye?" Marie, Melody, and Penelope asked in curiosity.
"It's Russian for tossing your cookies." Oleg and Affie answered sadly.
Melody and Penelope's eyes widened. "TOSSING YOUR COOKIES?"
"As in-"
"BLECH!"
Before Butcher could finish, Krus threw out all his stomach contents and all chaos broke loose from there.
Oleg, Marie, Stacy, Rasazy, Patrick, Melody, and Penelope began crying and freaking out, Jerry, Selever, Essie, and Affie, comforted them and everyone else froze and looked on in a mix of shock, disgust, and sympathy.
Sheriff didn't give a living [crap] that Krus was having a mental breakdown and instead antagonized him EVEN FURTHER because he's a good for nothing son of a bi-
"One, that wasn't what I meant when I said 'hit me with your best shot' and two, are you sure you were even an officer? Because if you truly were, you could do better than this."
"BLARGH!"
"ENOUGH!" Oleg sobbed out as his father continued to v0m!t his gvt$ out. "ENOUGH!"
"STOP IT, GRANDPA KRUS!" Pat pleaded with tears in his eyes. "PLEASE! I CAN'T HAVE TWO DRVNK AND D3PR3$$3D GRANDFATHERS!"
"ARE YOU BEING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW, PATRICK?" Melody asked as she freaked out.
Xander turned to Harold, who took out his p!$t0l and pointed it at Krus.
"Are you seriously going to SH00T HIM?"
"Someone's gotta put him out of his misery!"
"THIS ISN'T THE ANSWER, HAROLD!"
Rsch was the first to snap out of stupor as she caught her lover before he could fall to the ground when he eventually stopped v0m!t!ng.
"I'm sorry..." Krus sobbed out weakly.
Rsch stroked his hair and gave him a smooch on the forehead. "It's alright, Krusy. It's alright."
Butcher was P!$$3D and immediately pvnch3d his brother in the face.
"THAT'S IT, YA BIG[A-WORD] [CRAP]HEAD! NOBODY HURTS MY SON LIKE THAT! I'M GONNA CH0P YOU INTO PIECES AND MAKE SURE YOU STAY D3@D THIS TIME!"
Xavier took this as an opportunity to lead everyone else out of the room and to the church nave as the two "brothers" continued to fight.
***
Eventually, when all had calmed down and Sherrif's remains were disposed of, Sarv and Ruv mopped the floor, everyone who were the most tr@vm@t!z3d were being comforted and nibbling on candy and Rsch, Butcher, Stacy, and Marie paced back and forth as they waited for Epione to go down and tell them of Krus and Hillbilly's states.
Eventually, the aforementioned goddess went over to them.
"How are they/How is he?" Rsch, Butcher, Stacy, and Marie asked. (For those who are familiar with PLM and HWAFL and know how the Butcher is, he's currently being restrained with magic restraints so that he doesn't try to hvrt anyone)
"They're currently resting." Epione answered with a relieved smile on her face. "Krus had a nightmare, but I managed to soothe him before anything could happen. He won't be getting any night terrors for at least two months, but he'll be in a magic-induced sleep for the rest of the day to ensure that my spell to heal him will work. Hillbilly should wake up in 3 hours."
The four felt a wave of relief wash over them.
"Thank you, Epione." Rsch, Stacy, and Marie said in gratitude.