A/N: @julybobuly mentioned wanting an alternate ending of this chapter, and I think there were several others in agreement. It was so long I had to make it two chapters!
"I was going to tell you," Keefe assured her.
"When?"
"Soon."
That didn't feel like a good enough answer--and Keefe must've known it, because he reminded her again, "You've been super busy. I haven't seen you in over a week."
"Well, I would've been here if you'd told me what you were doing! And if Dex has to go to London, you're going to need me to teleport him there."
Sandor cleared his throat.
"We'll figure out how to bring you along if we have to," she promised.
"You will," Sandor agreed. "There is no 'if.'"
"And that's what we were already planning on," Keefe told her, which didn't make Sophie feel any better. If anything, it kinda proved that they'd been waiting until they had to clue her in.
"It also would've been way faster if you'd let me project your memories for you," she pointed out, feeling more tempted than ever to grab the gold notebook and steal a good long look at everything he was hiding.
She just wasn't sure how he'd take it if she did.
He hadn't told her he didn't want her seeing it--and if he really hadn't wanted her to see it, wouldn't he have just left it in the drawer?
But he'd also refrained from discussing that notebook at all.
She was intensely curious, but didn't want to invade his privacy, either.
So instead of quickly snatching it, she reached for it as slowly as she could bear. "What about this one?" she asked.
Keefe blocked her before she reached it. "No!"
She whipped her hand back as though she'd been stung. "I'm sorry," she mumbled, her cheeks flaming.
She knew he had every right to his privacy, and didn't want to violate his trust.
But the fact that he was so adamant she not see what was in the notebook just seemed to solidify the fact that he didn't really trust her.
After everything they'd been through together.
After all the unpleasant memories he'd already let her see.
She'd continued to trust him when almost no one else did.
What had she done to break his trust?
Why was he pushing her away?
Was she losing him?
She didn't want him to see how badly that hurt.
But there was no lying to an Empath. Especially one that knew her as well as Keefe did...and could read her emotions without needing physical contact.
"I didn't mean to upset you," he whispered, his eyebrows furrowing in concern. "I just..."
But he didn't continue.
So Sophie finished the thought for him. "You don't trust me with whatever is in there. I just wish I understood why. What have I done? Whatever it is, I didn't mean to."
"I never said I don't trust you."
She bit her lip, willing her burning eyes not to spill over with tears. After a second, she managed to say, "you didn't have to. It's pretty obvious. You included Dex, but didn't include me, and now you're hiding more memories from me. Memories that you must think are important or you wouldn't have bothered drawing them in the first place."
Keefe tore a hand through his hair, and Sophie tried to pretend she didn't notice how it somehow made him look even better than before.
She didn't understand why she'd even had that thought.
"Those memories just aren't...pertinent. Just trust me, okay?"
Trust him, when he obviously didn't trust her--and wouldn't even tell her why?
She lowered her gaze to her hands. Meeting his eyes was too hard right now.
"Sophie?"
She didn't answer.
"Sophie, please answer me," Keefe continued quietly, a hint of sadness in his voice now, too. "Why would this make you think I don't trust you?"
She merely shrugged, not trusting her voice yet.
And then Ro broke the silence.
"You know perfectly well why she feels that way, Notebook Boy," she said in a loud voice. "Since your genius of a bodyguard warned you this would happen."
"Shut up," Keefe grumbled right as Sophie looked up at Ro and asked, "you did?"
Ro didn't respond, but raised her eyebrows meaningfully at Keefe.
"I just..." Keefe groaned and tore a hand through his hair. "If I show you...please, please don't hate me, okay?"
"Keefe, I could never hate you."
"Okay, then promise me you won't cut me out because of this."
"Why would I?" What on earth could be in there that would make him think she'd cut him out?
"I just...didn't intend for you to see this," he mumbled. And he was most definitely blushing. "But I can't stand the thought of you thinking I don't trust you."
So, noticeably trembling, he took the gold notebook and handed it to Sophie.
And then ducked his head down, hands in his hair, hiding his face.
At once, Sophie opened the notebook. The first drawing was of the two of them riding Silveny. They looked younger—and it looked like Sophie was blushing.
"This must be when we went to go have my abilities fixed," she realized. But what she didn't understand was why he'd drawn it. All of the drama happened when they were trying to leave the Black Swan's hideout, not when they were on their way to it.
The next picture was another scene she recognized. They were in Alluveterre, and she was holding him while he cried.
"This is when we thought your mom might have been killed," she murmured softly.
Keefe made no reply, and one quick glance told her he still had his face hidden, and his knuckles—clutching his hair—were white as though he were very tense.
Why was he so worried about this? So far, there was nothing to be upset over. They were even memories she was part of, so he really had no reason to hide them.
After that was a drawing of the two of them standing outside the Sanctuary, and she was wearing the beaded necklace he'd originally made for his mom. "Right before you left."
But as she kept going, she couldn't help but notice a theme.
She was in every one of these memories.
The first time she'd enhanced his empathy, after Lumenaria fell. The two of them huddled together on Lady Cadence's house boat. The moment shortly after that when he'd stopped her from inflicting on King Dimitar.
The moment he'd stopped her crying and comforted her while her human parents were in Nightfall.
The moment he'd given her Krakie and pinned it to her bandage.
It wasn't until she saw the memory of the day he'd given her those paintings as a midterm gift that she remembered he'd gilded some of his memories when she and Fitz were trying to trigger anything his mom may have had washed.
It was all...her.
"Keefe?" She whispered.
She had to be misunderstanding this somehow.
He didn't respond. Not until she reached out and grabbed his hands, pulling them away from his hair. Only then did he take a very shaky breath and look up at her.
The look in his eyes was unfathomable.
"How's her mood, Hunkyhair?" Ro asked, making Sophie jump.
She'd forgotten Ro was there.
"Um..." Keefe's face was flushed as he lowered his gaze, looking down at their clasped hands. "At first it was just curiosity. But now there's...confusion. And denial." He let out a humorless laugh.
Sophie ignored them. "Keefe..." She waited for him to look at her. "I looked through everything in there. It's all of you and me. And it's..." she searched for the right words. "It's some of my favorite moments with you."
"Mine too," he managed to whisper.
"So..." she really wasn't sure how to end that sentence.
Keefe sighed. "Do you understand why I wanted to keep that private?"
She didn't. These were shared memories. There was nothing there she didn't already remember. Didn't already know.
Unless...
"Oh." Her eyes widened.
Keefe nodded. "Yeah."
At that, a tangled web of emotions overcame her.
Far more confusing and convoluted than she would have expected.
Yet Keefe didn't call her out on her mood shift.
But his hands were trembling in hers.
"Why did you never say anything?" She finally managed to whisper.
His reaction to her and Fitz's confessions suddenly made a lot more sense.
Keefe shrugged. "You weren't ready to hear it. You still aren't. And I don't want to lose you."
"You won't—"
He cut her off. "Are you sure about that? Now that you know, I'll have to tell Fitz too. And we can't really hang out like this anymore. We can't...it just wouldn't be appropriate to be alone together —not counting the bodyguards—when you guys are now aware of how I feel about you. Things have to change now, and I didn't want that, I—" his voice cracked. "I need you, Sophie. No one takes care of me like you do. I don't want to lose that. Your friendship—and Fitz's too—means too much to me."
The thought of losing this special friendship with Keefe was very unpleasant.
"I don't want to lose you either, Keefe." She just wasn't sure anymore what that meant. She just knew she didn't want anything to change. She didn't want distance or barriers between them.
He managed a small smile. "I can feel that. I can also feel a lot of confusion and uncertainty. And it scares me and gives me hope at the same time."
Sophie really didn't know what to say to that. Finally she settled on asking, "this isn't just another one of your jokes?"
Keefe shook his head. "No, Sophie. It's not a joke. Just think about it. Isn't it obvious, looking back?" He took a shaky breath. "Why do you think I gave you that necklace? Why I told you I wasn't bothering to register for the match until I knew how some things would shake out? Why I didn't know how to act when I found out you and Fitz had confessed?"
At the mention of Fitz, Keefe let go of her hands and scooted back.
But Sophie's mind had fixated on what he'd said before that.
About the match.
"You haven't registered for the match...because of me?"