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we drink the poison
our minds pour
for us
and wonder
why we feel so sick
atticus
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𝘦𝘱𝘪𝘴𝘰𝘥𝘦 1.
Loss of the 61
part 3.
"I feel like shit. Been dragged around like a mascot and I'm surprised no one asked me to do magic tricks, like the one they could see in circuses."
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𝘼𝙣𝙙𝙧𝙚𝙬
Look, I was a pretty confident guy, who liked to talk to people, get to know them, and joke around, I really did. But after fucking hours of being dragged around like a shitty mascot, telling the same shitty lies to the crazy, rich investors and smiling like I was a teenage girl in love, I was fucking done with everyone and everything.
I felt like the hundreds of cameras that were on me, picked up every movement that I had made or zoomed in so much that everyone could take a good fucking look at my pores. My hand literally felt disgusting I shook hands with so many people, and I even fucking pretended to kiss the ladies' hands. Who the fuck kiss hands at this age? Who the fuck holds a fucking ball "in memory of the 61"? They fucking died, they didn't need an event, a sure as hell they didn't need money.
After hitting the two-hour mark of this fucking misery, I decided I could not stand this any longer. The problem was, I couldn't bail because I was ranked number 1 and everyone was so interested. So the solution was easy. After taking some pills that Brink gave me, making sure I wouldn't float anyone out of the glass roof, I sneaked a bottle of vodka into the restroom with me. I chugged it down in a record time and when I appeared again to keep sucking up to the fucking guests, I picked up some champagne they were passing around.
A couple of hours later - maybe, I tried not to look at the time often - the people finally started to leave. I, in my tipsy state, which I frequently tried to keep at a level, finally parted from my parents and professors and went to find anyone who wouldn't annoy the fuck out of me. I opened some buttons on my shirt, tilting my head from one side to the other because I felt so stiff, trying to maintain a perfect posture all the time while I was 'presenting'. A few minutes later, I finally saw Jordan and Luke, who were sitting at a table toward the back of the whole place, almost like they were trying to hide.
– Well, hello there, strangers. – I approached them and took a seat by the table.
Jordan was now sitting in front of me in their male body, looking up from their hands to my face with slight surprise. Luke was beside me, smirking as he realized who just joined them. They also had a bottle of vodka in front of them, with two glasses.
– I'll take that, thank you. – I spoke again before they could have reacted, and grabbed the bottle.
– You seem drunk enough already. – Golden Boy chuckled but didn't try to stop me.
– Apparently not drunk enough. – I smiled grumpily. – I feel like shit. Been dragged around like a mascot and I'm surprised no one asked me to do magic tricks, like the one they could see in circuses...What about you two? Did you have a lovely night? – I questioned with a sarcastic tone because it was obvious they didn't.
– Wonderful. – Jordan murmured while rolling their eyes, and taking a sip from his cup.
When they didn't continue after some time, I glanced at Luke to explain why was Jordan in a bad mood. Aside from their parents, which was obvious when we were getting ready, but then they said they would deal with it, or if not, Brink would be there to help. No matter how angry I was with the professor, he did really help when Jordan's parents started to go around saying they had just a boy.
– One of the investors started to insult Jordan because of the whole bi-gender thing. – the boy said carefully, taking in both the mentioned one's reaction and mine.
– Which one? – I immediately asked and started to look around to see who was still there.
– He already left. – Jordan murmured, brushing a hand through their hair.
It was a habit of theirs when they were in their male form. In their female form, they would usually tuck some hair behind one of their ears.
– Do you know his name? – I tilted my head to get an answer out of them but they just shrugged.
– Doesn't matter.
– Yeah, it fucking does! – I accidentally said it louder than I intended it in the first place.
It got me some looks from the ones who were still around but I couldn't be bothered. No one could insult Jordan fucking Li and just get away with it. I could've sworn if I found out his name, I would've brought the fucker down in a couple of minutes. A few words from me on my Instagram about him and his entire career and life were over.
– If you want to do something so much, go hunt the fucker who was leeched onto Luke the whole night, trying to find out whether he caused the fire or not. – they said with a frown.
– Okay, then where is that fucker or what's his name? – I asked again, glancing between the two of them but the boy beside me just shook his head.
– Don't worry, I can handle it.
– I know. So who is he? – I stayed persistent, turning my body toward Golden Boy who started laughing at my reaction.
– Always ready to protect us, ain't you?
– And Tate. – Jordan added.
– Hell yeah, you guys are my family too. I'd do anything for my family. – I expressed it, and even I started to notice the slight blur between the words and my tones getting tricky.
Okay, so maybe Supes did have a higher alcohol - and everything - tolerance but it didn't mean we were immune. It just meant we had to spend more money on drinks because we needed more to feel the effect. My goal for the night was to keep my tipsiness on a level where I was able to put up with all the motherfuckers, but I never added whether I wanted to get drunk by the end of the event.
– Oh, I am so not dealing with you when you're hungover tomorrow. – Jordan announced.
– Yeah, you fucking will. We're roommates. – I smiled leaning over the table to be closer to them. – And you fucking love me, so?
– Get fucked. – he pushed me back by my shoulder and I chuckled at this.
I never really liked the words 'I love you'. They were just words, they didn't mean anything. Anyone could have said it without actually feeling like that. I don't think I ever used those words around my family. We were quite open about our feelings and sharing them with each other and stuff, but we never said 'I love you', we just kind of felt it.
But after becoming friends with these four idiots, I started to pick it up from them as they kept on saying it all the time. It was Andre's and Luke's habit at first, but soon Cate was saying it too, and slowly Jordan and I picked it up too. Although I was pretty sure it was still the original couple who used it the most.
Luke was about to say something when a figure showed up right next to the table. I saw them from the corner of my eyes and at first I thought it was just a guest passing by so I kept my focus on my friend, but when he didn't speak up but looked past me, I turned around too just to see a Korean girl standing there, with a small smile on her face. She stared at me with a kind look but didn't say anything. My friends looked at her too, then turned their attention to me to explain what was going on. I could blame it on the alcohol but I think it was because of the years that I had not recognized her immediately.
– HwaYoung? – I asked with uncertainty but when her face lit up I was sure it was her.
– Took you long enough. – she laughed.
I placed the bottle of vodka back on the table and stood up to hug her. HwaYoung also hugged me back with some giggles leaving her mouth but I was still in a shocked state. When I pulled back, I left my hands on either side of her hips and leaned back mostly with my upper body, taking in her face. Luckily, she also left her arms on my shoulders and checked me out too so it was not weird. Shit, it was so many years ago! And HwaYoung became so beautiful...
– How? When...? Why...? – I started over three times but still couldn't utter a complete sentence which made her laugh again.
– Long story. – she sighed. – But we could talk about it sometimes if you want to.
– Yeah, absolutely. How about now? – I couldn't keep my eyes off of her. – Have you been to the rooftop?
– No...?
– Well, then. – I stepped back, placing one of my arms behind my back and holding out the other for her to take. – Could I do the honor? It's really pretty out there.
– In another case, I would probably say no. – HwaYoung smirked. – But since Kim Jiwon is asking me, the ranked number 1, the big fan fa...
– Oh shut up. – I rolled my eyes and she finally took my arm.
– Bye then. – Luke voiced with a confused but encouraging smile and a small wave.
– Just a reminder, you have a roommate now. – Jordan pointed at themself. – In case you...
– It's not like that. I'll tell you guys later. – I waved them off and started to walk toward the staircase as the lift didn't go up that far.
While we climbed up to the top floor, we didn't really talk but kept stealing glances at each other, smiling and giggling. I had no idea I would meet her that night after so many years. Cha HwaYoung was a childhood friend of mine, from the time when we lived in Seoul.
I had a pretty weird moving-around history. I was born in New York and so did Tate, but after he was born, our family decided to move back to South Korea. We lived in Seoul for many years, but when I was 12, I went to an international boarding school in England, hence my accent that randomly shows up and then leaves. I studied there for four years when my parents decided we would move back to the US, and I finished high school there, then I came to Godolkin University. I wondered many times whether this influenced me more than I thought it would, and if we had lived in the US all my life then I would have received help from a younger age with my powers, but Tate had no trouble with his so I threw away this idea.
– Wow. – the girl breathed when we finally made it to the rooftop.
It was covered with lights and flowers, some benches placed here and there. I assumed the organizers of the bal expected people to come out here to smoke, but they were too lazy to climb the stairs for it so they just went out in the front entrance and stood by the sidewalk. The view was beautiful too. Godolkin was somewhat isolated from the rest of the city, with a reasonable distance. That night, the university's other buildings were lit up, and after a bit of a forestry part, the glimmer of the city could have been seen too. It was really impressive, to be honest. And maybe the many drinks did make it a little bit prettier but oh well.
– Told you. – I smiled, walking to the railing and leaning on it.
HwaYoung followed me, with still wide eyes. She didn't lean on the metal bars, but grabbed them and slightly looked over and down to see how high up we were.
– Well, you were right. – she nodded.
– So, how come you're here? – I turned my head toward her, switching to Korean.
– My family moved here. Like 3...4 years ago. Dad got a job at Vought, and it was a pretty great deal and he couldn't turn it down.
– At Vought? – I raised an eyebrow.
– Yeah. He says he really loves it and it's interesting to work with Supes. Oh, I also got an internship because I'm his daughter.
– Okay, that's so cool. Wow. – I shook my head in amusement. – Wow. Just...
– Yeah. Big change up from me wanting to be an idol, right? – she laughed, mentioning her childhood dream.
– Why not both? – I teased.
– Sure, why don't you go be a surgeon and a superhero then? – HwaYoung got back at me with my childhood dream job.
– Easy. – I shrugged, which made her laugh. – I would just leave a crime scene because I need to operate on someone immediately, or vice versa, leave a poor patient on the table, while I go and chase some bad guys.
– Idiot. – she pushed my arms slightly but I kept on smiling. – I never would have imagined you as a superhero.
– Ahm, me neither. – I confessed. – I still don't, to be honest. I just feel like I'm messing around, trying to get a university degree with having all the privileges I don't know how to use.
– It's not all shine and fame, huh? – she gave a sympathetic look. – It looks good on cameras, but everything else...
– Yeah, it's hard sometimes.
– Tate got in too, right?
– Yes. He's a freshman now.
– No. – she shook her head in disbelief. – Little, tiny, whiny Jihun. The boy who kept running after us, and wanted to be like you.
– I know, right? – I turned toward her completely now, the same expression making its way to my face too. – How the hell did he grow up so fast? Why did he grow up so fast?
– Well, I guess now I know what an older sibling feels about the younger one... – HwaYoung murmured, still taking in the fact that Tate was already at university.
Cha HwaYoung was an only child, but she saw me and my brother as her siblings when we were little. It's true it was a long time ago and we were too small to actually define what kind of connection we had, I believe we genuinely all loved each other. And I also believed that HwaYoung saw Tate as a baby brother and to an extent, felt the same misery as me, realizing how grown up he was actually.
– Can I get your number or username? – I asked now in English, suddenly remembering that those pieces of information would be necessary to keep in touch.
– Sure. – she grabbed my phone when I handed it to her, our fingers brushing each other slightly.
She quickly typed in both her number and gave me her account, then when I put away the phone, a comfortable silence sat on us. We had so many things to talk about so we just didn't, not knowing where to start, how much to share, and how would the other react.
The weather was good, the view was beautiful and the company was unexpected but welcomed. We sat there for a pretty long time before my phone rang, my mother called that they were about to head home so I should go and say bye to them. HwaYoung walked with me and she also greeted and said bye to my parents, and when they left, so did HwaYoung, with giving me a big hug and a smile before disappearing behind the entrance door. I smiled to myself like an idiot and grabbed another bottle of alcohol when no one was watching, thinking it was already whatever for me at that point and made my way toward my room.
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♡₊˚ 🦢・₊✧
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𝙅𝙤𝙧𝙙𝙖𝙣
I admit, generally Andrew looked fucking good. But not when he was so hungover that he couldn't even get out of his bed, asking for a bucket or something he could puke in. I grumbled for a while but handed him something, then placed some medicine and water beside his bed, escaping from the room by the excuse that I had some studying to do and I had to talk to Brink. Neither of these was a lie, but neither of them was as important as I painted it to be.
I spent a few hours working on an essay and memorizing some information about Supe History. When I was done and heading toward Brink's office, I got a text from Luke, asking if I wanted to spare with him. I said yes, and turned around, walking out of the building that I had just walked in a few minutes ago. Professor Brink helped me a lot in general, and yesterday at the ball too but I knew he wanted to bring that up, and I was not in the mood for it. I was his TA, I could have talked to him many times and this was not an urgent matter anyway.
– Hey. – Luke greeted me with a smile when I walked into the gym.
– Hi.
– You look good. – he chuckled after checking me out, referring to the amount of alcohol I drunk last night.
– I don't do hangovers and blackouts. – I rolled my eyes, throwing my bag to the ground, and getting a T-shirt out of it. – Drew, on the other hand...
He immediately started laughing, knowing well enough that out of the five of us, Andrew was the one who couldn't hold his liquor, and then always ended up with the worst hangovers. Not like it would have ever stopped him from drinking and partying like a fucking animal.
I was in my boy form, so I didn't bother going into the changing room, I just switched my top there. We started to warm up, although Golden Boy looked rather sweaty so I assumed he was already there for a while.
– What about that girl? – he remembered suddenly, turning toward me.
– No idea. – I shrugged. – He came back alone, smiling like Andre when he's high and he kept on mumbling something about wanting a pony, so he could use his power on it and make it a pegasus.
Although I found it funny too, Luke started laughing so hard he had to stop to catch his breath. After that we finished our warm-up, taking a stance opposite from each other. Golden Boy didn't start flaming just yet, so I kept to my male form instead of switching and blasting him immediately. We circled around each other a bit, and then he threw the first right hook, aiming at my face, but I blocked it with my left arm, while I went for his face with my right one, just for him to duck and jump back.
Next, he came at me with a series of kicks, which I either blocked or avoided. By the fourth kick, I anticipated his move so I was quick to squat down to avoid his feet in the air, and also to sweep his other leg from beneath him. He stumbled back but managed to keep his balance, but I didn't wait long enough to get fully back on stance. I punched him in the face, then kicked him in the chest. He grunted and fell back but he managed to do a back loop so that he was on his feet again.
His next punch was followed by a fireball, which I did not expect so I took it whole in my face with widened eyes.
– Fuck. – I cursed, blinking but immediately changing so I could send a blast toward him.
He went flying by the power of the energy I sent toward him, but caught himself by covering himself in flames, his clothes burning with this stunt. He flew toward me, grabbing me by my shoulders and pushing me to the ground and by the time my back met with the floor, I was already in my boy form to block Luke's punches which became stronger and hotter. I hated when he used fire, it always made me sweat a fucking lot.
I kneed him in the back and when he fell forward, I changed and blasted him, sending him flying again but I didn't give him a chance to attack me with the momentum again. I jumped after him, and now he ended up on the ground with me above him, blasting and punching him simultaneously. He blocked most of it, but when one of my more powerful punches in my boy form hit his face and his head banged with the floor he got slow, and I managed to deliver a few more hits before he summoned a bigger fire and I had to roll sideways. I quickly got back on my feet, but glancing back at Luke he didn't.
– Ahh, shit. Did you just give me a fucking concussion? – he whined, holding his head with both of his hands.
– There's a chance. – I chuckled, eyeing him.
Luke Riordan was fucking though. Sure, if I really did hit him that hard he would have a headache for a while but he'd be fine in a matter of a couple hours, or maybe days. Despite that, I knew I won this round. Golden Boy's flames slowly died down, and he sat up still whining but I knew he wasn't serious because then he wouldn't even be talking. I rolled my eyes at him being this dramatic, while I walked back to our stuff and grabbed his shorts beside his bag and threw it at him. He murmured something and stood up to get dressed, while I grabbed my water bottle to drink.
I sat down with my back to the wall and he walked over, grabbing his water and following my example. We sat there for a few minutes before he started speaking.
– I got into the Seven.
– What? – I turned toward him so fast, that he was slightly startled.
– Yeah. Brink just told me, before I came here. Finish my last year, and I'm off. – he talked slowly, seemingly not even believing what he was saying.
– The least surprising surprise ever. – I chuckled. – Congratulations, man. You fucking deserve this! – I smiled, meaning every word I said.
Sure, I was jealous but I also knew Luke was working his ass off just as much as I did, if not even harder. And there was the fact that he was always before me in the rankings. And that he wasn't bi-gender or Asian. Vought wanted to suck up to the public, trying to make them believe that they were so progressive with A-Train being the first black in the Seven, and Queen Maeve being queer, but it was not that much of a secret it was mostly for a good image.
– Yeah, thanks. – he sighed.
– What's wrong with you? – I leaned closer to push him with my shoulders, then went back. – This is fucking great. We should celebrate. Let's get the guys and go out at the weekend.
– It doesn't feel right. The memory of the 61 is still here, it wasn't long ago we lost them. Shouldn't we mourn instead of celebrate?
– We've been doing that for almost two weeks.
– Okay and... – he paused for a second, searching for words. – What if I can't do a good job? Like it's the Seven. The strongest and best Supes in America. With Homelander...
Now, this was not an everyday sight. Luke barely ever got insecure about something, and voicing his concerns this way. Throughout our years together, we learned to trust each other that much to share if we were anxious about something, and I was glad we always supported each other.
– Exactly. – I nodded, and he gave me a confused look. – This is the Seven. No one just randomly gets offered a spot. You earned it, and it means by the time you join them, you'll be ready.
– God, I hope so. – he leaned back to the wall with his head too. – Thank you.
– You're welcome. – I scoffed. – Now, let's go another round and later on organize that party.
Luke won the next round. And the next one, because I had to tap out so he wouldn't cut off my airways completely with his fucking strong choke hold. I won the last round, which I declared to be last because I liked that we won even rounds, and we both were getting tired.
Andrew was lying on his stomach, head hanging down from the bed, eyes closed, not even moving an inch even when I walked in, threw my stuff down, and closed the door, not exactly silently.
– Are you dead?
– You wish. – he whispered.
– Well, you sure seem like it. – I laughed, but blessed the fact that the room wasn't covered with a puke smell, so I guessed he was already through that part.
– Food.
– You know where the kitchen is. – I smiled, sitting down on my bed.
He raised his head a little, with squinted eyes.
– You're an evil person. Very evil. – and with that, his head was hanging down again.
I quickly grabbed some of my clothes to hit the shower, not even bothered by the fact the boy was suffering silently on the other side of the room. I dully decided if he was still in that position when I was clean, then I'd bring some food for him. My mind was still coping with the fact that Luke was going to the Seven. I was fucking happy for him and tried to focus on that emotion, but jealousy was sure as hell bitter as fuck, poising me slowly until I ended up spiraling down in self-pity, cursing myself, and ending up on the conclusion that I had to work even harder.
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♡₊˚ 🦢・₊✧
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𝘼𝙣𝙙𝙧𝙚𝙬
I was sitting at the chair in front of Brink's desk, the old man on the other side, staring at me, waiting. We've been at this for like half an hour. I finally came to him, for his help but I refused to speak to him, barely acknowledging him. But after he greeted me and started talking, asking some questions, he realized I wasn't answering anything, he stopped talking too. Since then, we've been staring at each other, fighting some fucked up battle of who would give in first. I was petty, and I hated the old man, so I gave myself better chances than him.
– Andrew.... – he finally started with a tired sigh, after he glanced at the clock on the wall. – I'm here to help you.
– I already heard. So did your threats with Tate.
– Those are not threats. Those are the facts of what is happening when you're out of control.
– Professor, you've been telling me you want to help for at least a year now, yet I'm still in the same position. – I replied with a rather sarcastic tone.
– It is not a fast process.
He sighed again, slowly massaging his temple with his right hand. I almost smirked, knowing I was hard to manage, and gave him a headache at least. I had every right to be angry. He helped Luke to get better at using his powers. He helped Jordan to switch and use his abilities. And God knows how many other kids, but all he had to offer me was pills and the empty promise that he would help.
After being hungover as fuck a couple of days ago, vomiting all the dulling pill, I had a bad dream and woke, levitating a meter above the bed with every single thing in the room shaking and slowly inching upwards. I quickly searched for the drug, and took two from it, everything immediately falling back into its place. I was glad that Jordan at least wasn't in the room. If I accidentally hurt them because I'm unable to keep my powers off when I'm fucking asleep...
– Then speed it up. – I grunted.
– Very well then. – he said, leaning back in his chair, and pulling out one of his drawers.
He searched for a couple of moments, then when he found it, he pushed back the drawer and placed it in front of me on the desk.
– Seriously? More pills? – I almost laughed at the fucking iron of the situation.
– You wanted to speed up the process. This is the quicker route. These pills are weaker, meaning they won't be enough to keep your powers under control like the ones you used so far. They will help, but you have to make sure to watch out for the gravity around you. – he explained.
I considered his offer, taking the small bottle of pills from the desk to turn it around in my hands for a few minutes. At least it was in a normal medicine bottle and not in a plastic bag, so it actually looked like medicine, not fucking drugs.
I'm not going to lie, it was tempting. But I also started to doubt every word that came out of Brink's mouth by that point.
– I can also prove a kind of...exercise. – he spoke slowly and only continued when I raised my gaze from the bottle to meet his eyes. – But that has to be a secret between us. And it will take a day, so you'd be missing a day each week, probably at the weekend when you don't have classes. These exercises, training if you like...They would be brutal, Andrew. But I guarantee, their effect will be more visible.
I didn't say anything. He didn't make it sound very inviting but he knew exactly how desperate I was. If I hadn't been, I wouldn't even be sitting in his office at that moment. I wouldn't have kept thinking about the fire, and the fear that something would happen to Tate. Or something would happen to Jordan because they were sharing a room with me. Or something would happen to anyone who accidentally wanders around me when I am in a bad mood.
– You don't have to answer it now. Think about it. Try the new pills, and come back when you know the answer.
I didn't need more. I stood up from the chair, stuck the bottle into my pocket, and left without looking back at Brink or saying bye to him. I was lost, vaguely thinking what if I was able to control my powers with the new pills? Then I wouldn't need the training.
I barely got out of the building when the loud noise of a pretty big crowd of students hit me. I furrowed my eyebrows as I headed toward them. All of them were frowning and murmuring, pointing at something around the top of one of the buildings but I couldn't see anything from the sun in that position. I recognized faces as I pushed through, but none of them even noticed me, keep looking up.
A scream sounded from the first rows of the crowd and I finally reached there, I saw Milly Beckett on her knees, crying uncontrollably, covering her mouth and staring up. I tore my eyes from her and finally, I understood what was everyone whispering about.
There was a body, hanging on a rope that was tied to one of the railings on the top floor. All I could make out was that it was a girl with blonde hair, wearing jeans and a white T-shirt, I couldn't tell whether or not I knew her.
– Someone get her down from there! – Milly cried, shouting behind her back, hoping someone from the crowd would do something but nobody moved.
I took the pills that day pretty early, so in theory, I was not that dulled and should have been able to help. I scanned the crowd for a second, my eyes falling on one of the freshmen.
– Marie. – I took a few steps to reach her, her eyes darting from the hanging body to me. – Can I borrow your knife?
She was too stunned to say anything but pulled out the small knife from her pocket and handed it to me. Marie Moreau, her power was the manipulation of blood, therefore she would cut herself to get access and weaponize her own blood. I knew a lot of people at Godolkin who knew a lot of people, so I met the girl through them, and although we were not that close, we talked a few times.
I stepped back and grabbing the gravity around me, I flew up to reach the same height she was. As I got closer, blood rushed in my ears and my heart beat like crazy. It only slowed a bit when I could clearly see her face and I didn't recognize her. First, I gently touched her arm to make sure I could apply my power all around her, then went to cut the rope. I struggled with it for a bit, but when it finally snapped, I threw the knife in the air and held it there, while I took the dead girl into my arms, in a bridal position, slowly making my way back to the ground.
At least half of the students were already recording by that time, filming as reached the ground, placing the poor girl on the ground. I didn't even have the chance to stand up from beside her, when Milly already kneeled to her side, grabbing her hand and calling her, like she could still hear it. I took a step back from the body and the crying girl as everyone else took one step forward to see who she was or what happened. I flew back the knife to Marie who grabbed it from the air, and when our eyes met, I nodded to her as a thanks.
– She can't be dead! No, no, no! No! This... – Milly cried as the murmuring continued.
It was devastating. We lost 61 students just a few weeks ago in the fire, and now another one was dead. I guess the memorial in front of the main building should have been updated to say; in memory of the 62.
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Sorry for taking so long to updateee😭😭😭
I just have so much going on and I also write a bunch of other unpublished stuff, so by the time I'm in the mood to write another chapter for this book, it seems like I'm gone and left this story as it is.
Guess I should put a warning somewhere saying: VERY SLOW UPDATES
Also, what do we think of HwaYoung?🤔
Alsooo also; Happy New Year babesss!!🥳
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