Tan
He loved me.
This man that I loved so much was in love with me.
I tried to hold on to that fact as I wandered inside his new apartment and looked around.
It wasn't the classic six penthouse DeShauna lived in on the Upper East Side, and it definitely wasn't the tiny yet modern place Maren rented on the Upper West Side.
Dominick's place felt like him. Well made and sturdy, but warm.
The thing that surprised me the most was the size of the place. In terms of apartments in the city, it was huge. And much like Dominick, it had a good vibe that drew me in. Big windows that would let in plenty of sunlight during the day. Exposed brick and refinished maple wood floors added warmth. The best part was the fireplace, which looked turn of the century with it's porcelain blue tiles.
It was cozy, if not a little outdated.
My high heels echoed through the mostly empty apartment as I walked toward the first door I came to, and I peeked inside. It was a bedroom that was just as cozy as the rest of the house, with exposed red brick and windows overlooking the New York skyline.
I knew this place couldn't of been cheap. Not with this view.
Dominick slid his hand around my waist and pulled me against his chest. Pressing a kiss against my shoulder.
Between the reveal at Blanche's and finding out Dominick had bought his own apartment, I was slightly overwhelmed.
The afterglow of really good sex and him finally telling me that he loved me might have something to do with it too.
"I can't believe how big this place is," I said, leaning into him and trying to take it all in.
He chuckled, and the sound warmed me from the inside out. "That's what happens when you leave Manhattan." His hand found mine. "Come on, I want to show you the best part."
"There's more?" I said, following as he led me to another door. He twisted the handle and pushed the door open, letting me look inside.
"You have a second bedroom!" I gasped as I dragged him into the space. I was immediately drawn to another open door, and found an ensuite. My jaw actually dropped. "And a second bathroom. Wow."
Dominick chuckled again, and he scrubbed at the stubble on his jaw. "Nothing's been updated since the fifties, so it's gonna need some work. But, I figure it's worth it."
Our eyes connected, and I didn't know what to say.
He'd spent a small fortune on this place, and I was trying to understand why. He didn't need a second bedroom or bathroom. Unless...he was getting a roommate. If Todd the Rod or Big Dick Nick were moving in, they would turn this place a bachelor pad.
How often would I see him if he lived in Brooklyn with his friends? Hardly ever.
Something cold and icy twisted inside my stomach.
"Who's all this space for?" I asked, not really wanting to know the answer.
He pressed his lips together, pausing before he replied, "You. If you want."
Me? I studied his expression to see if he was joking, because sometimes it was hard to tell, but I didn't detect an ounce of humor.
He was serious.
"You can bring all your foam rollers," he continued, capturing my hand in his again and drawing me against his hard chest. "And the master bathroom has a big tub. You can put all your sea salt jars and candles and all that shit up." Pushing back a section of my hair, he added, "Then you won't have to worry about how you're going to afford your place downtown."
He'd bought a place...hoping I'd move in? I didn't know what to say. This was a huge deal. For him. For me. For us. I was flattered by the gesture, and to be fair, we practically lived at my place as it was, but actually moving in together was a big ask.
We were both habitual loners. Content to push people away, not move in with them. But against all odds, here we were.
I'd been on my own for so long I didn't know how to process his request. Besides, moving in with someone meant I was vulnerable to their moods. This was his place, and if he decided we weren't working out, I'd be the one who'd have to figure out a new living situation.
I didn't like the idea that I wasn't in control.
I bit my lip, thinking. I'd told Kennedy that she should move in with Flynn because they got engaged and it was important to live with someone before you got married to know if you could stand them.
Dominick and I had just told each other that we were in love. Was this the next step? I could only imagine what it would be like to wake up next to him every morning in our own place. To decorate together. To renovate the bathrooms together. To just be...together.
Still, the little voice in the back of my head that told me the more Dominick knew about me, the less he'd like me, wouldn't shut up.
But that voice paled in comparison to what my parents would say if I moved to Brooklyn with the boyfriend they hadn't met yet. Once they knew, they would demand to meet Dominick, and his family.
Sooner or later, they'd discover the strip club. And they'd know what I'd been doing in my spare time.
My mother would have a heart attack, and my dad, an aneurysm. If they survived the shock of all that without disowning me, I'd have to explain why I couldn't afford a place on my own, which meant admitting that I hadn't made principal.
I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts. Even though the prospect of sharing a space with the man I loved excited me, I couldn't see how this arrangement would work. It would mean admitting too much to mom and dad.
I lifted my gaze to his, seeing the hope in his eyes. Damn. It was hard to have a rational thought when he was looking at me like that. He'd told me he'd loved me, and I loved him. If I was anyone else, this would be an easy decision. But I wasn't, and I couldn't forget about my parents the way Maren could.
It would hurt Dominick so bad if he knew the truth about my parents, and so I decided to keep that explanation to myself. No matter what he did or how big of a house he bought, if they knew the truth, they'd never accept him.
And then another thought hit me. If I moved to Brooklyn, I wouldn't be able to keep up the pace I was running at. Balancing ballet, the club, my friendships, and our relationship, all while adding a commute into the mix. Everything else except Dominick would be across the bridge.
I couldn't be late to ballet again. Celeste had made me sign that piece of paper saying if I was, I was going to be moved down to the corps, and that couldn't happen. I'd left my family in Jersey to move to the city when I was in high school just to be closer to the company. I'd always prioritzied ballet over everything else.
I knew I was overthinking this, but that's what I did. Overthink the shit out of situations.
"So, what do you say? Are you moving in?"
"It's a really nice offer, Dominick," I said, trying to sound as apologetic as I could.
Despite my best effort, he still looked defeated.
Dominick raked a hand through his hair and turned sheepishly away, and watching him do so broke my heart into a million pieces. I knew I was doing the right thing by turning down his offer, so why didn't it feel like the right thing?
But, I didn't know what else to do.
I wasn't the kind of girl who was invited to move in with a guy, and sooner or later, whether he loved me or not, Dominick would see that.
"We've only been dating for a month," I said, trying to ease the blow. "And, if I moved in with you, it would be a huge deal. For both of us."
It wasn't a lie, and by the look on his face, Dominick seemed to understand.
"It's okay. I get it. It's too much. I shouldn't have said anything. It was a stupid idea."
I hated that I was doing this to him. That I was pushing him away. It was the last thing that I wanted to do, but I didn't know how else to act. I loved him so much it physically hurt me to see him hurting.
"It's not a stupid idea," I reassured him, setting my hand on his cheek and guiding his attention back to me. "I love that you want me here. It means so much to me. But..."
His green eyes were devastatingly sad, and my throat was choked with emotion. He expelled a breath, and seeing him so sad made me want to give in. To say I'll move in with him and we'd figure everything else out. It's what we'd done this far.
"But," I repeated, stroking the side of his face. "If I moved to Brooklyn with you, I'd be really far from Liberty Ballet. It would take forever to get to work. You know I can't be late again. I'd lose my job."
He seemed to anticipate this response. His eyes narrowing. "You know, there are ballet companies in Brooklyn, too."
I let out a sarcastic laugh, but something in his eyes told me he wasn't joking.
He pulled his phone from his back pocket and opened a tab he had waiting on his browser. "Check it out. Greenpoint Ballet is like ten minutes from here, and they're holding auditions. You could get out from under Celeste's thumb and dance somewhere else."
For a moment, I was too stunned to speak. When I finally regained my ability to form words, the only thing that came out was, "I can't dance for Greenpoint."
"Why not?"
"Because I dance for Liberty," I said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. He did not seem to appreciate the nuance, so I tried to spell it out for him in terms he could understand. "Taking an audition at Greenpoint would be like a demotion."
"So what? You'd still be dancing. And maybe you'd have a shot at dancing the Sugar Plum Fairy at another company. That's your dream, isn't it?"
He did not just invoke the Sugar Plum Fairy right now.
Tears pricked in the back of my eyes and burned a hot trail down my throat. He really didn't understand what he was saying, and I couldn't blame him. He wasn't a ballerina. He didn't stand in front of a mirror for hours and hours, imagining what could be if you tried hard enough.
The dream only meant something if I was one of the best dancers in the world.
Didn't it?
"You don't understand what you're saying," I told Dominick, wishing he would just drop this.
"Then help me understand. Because from where I'm sitting, you hate Liberty. They work you to death. They pay you like shit. And you hate your boss." I backed up a pace, but Dominick followed me. "Tan, I've seen you dance," he said, his tone softening. "You are unbelievable. You could take your talent and walk."
My gaze lifted to his in shock. Walk? He wanted me to walk away from two decades of pain and sacrifice and tears and surgeries to repair snapped tendons, for what? An audition at Greenpoint? Some community company? My friends at Liberty would think I'd lost my mind, and so would my parents.
They might not care much about my career, but they sure as hell knew Liberty was the best. They'd spent an uncountable amount of money to get me to where I was.
"I've been dancing at my company for like, my entire life," I explained. "I'm not going to leave just because you think Greenpoint would be better. I mean, you don't know anything about ballet."
The hardest part of this fight was knowing that he meant well, but not being able to stop the well of repressed emotions regarding ballet from overflowing. If I'd started freaking out because I thought I was losing Dominick, a man I'd been in love with for a month, then the idea of losing my spot at Liberty was like a full blown breakdown.
Even if he was right, and I did hate my boss and I was treated horribly. I just couldn't imagine myself leaving. All of a sudden, the world was too heavy, and I sat down on the wood floors, collapsing in on myself like a dying star as I watched Maria piroutte behind my eyelids, dancing the role I was always meant to dance.
Dominick joined me on the floor, sitting behind me and wrapping his arms around my middle. His chin resting on my shoulder.
"I just want you to be happy," he said quietly. "That's all."
For the hundreth time today, I started crying. Not an ugly cry that made my nose turn into a fire hydrant, but a soft, mornful cry that made me feel small and vulnerable.
"You're my whole world," he whispered in my ear. "I just wish you could see what I see. See how fucking vibrant and beautiful you are." He cupped my face with his palm, and guided my chin so we were face to face. "No matter where you dance or what you do. You're perfect just the way you are."
I closed my eyes and felt more tears leak down my cheeks. I heard what he said but my body wouldn't accept it. "I don't feel vibrant or beautiful or perfect," I admitted, keeping my eyes closed. "I feel like I don't fit in anywhere."
I don't know that I'd ever said those things outloud or even thought them, but as soon as they were out of my mouth, I knew they'd been hiding inside me this whole time. Cracking me into a million little pieces.
Dominick's thumb trailed along my cheekbone. Catching a tear. "You fit right here. With me. Whether you live here or not. There will always be room for you right here."