Ayva.
I watched as everyone hugged Noelle and Leilani, preparing to load up so I could take her to the airport. She'd given everyone her new number, it feels weird when I think about the fact that I haven't called or texted her for nearly five years. "You'll be back next weekend for the wedding, right?" My mom asked her, pressing a gentle kiss to her chocolate skin. She nodded her head, "Yes ma'am, probably earlier than that so I could get fitted for my bridesmaids dress and find a dress for Leilani"
"Let one of us know if you need a ride from the airport, we're happy to come" daddy spoke, placing a kiss to her cheek and pulling her into a hug as I watched, a small grin on my face, happy that my sister was able to experience our new parents. They did a complete 360, and I couldn't be more proud 'cause they was crazy as shit. And I mean that from the depths of my heart.
My sister came towards the car with Leilani, "Ready?" I beamed down at my niece, she nodded her head as I scooped her up in my arms, placing small kisses all over her face and neck. Over the past few days I discovered that she's ticklish on her neck, it's the cutest shit ever to me. She giggled and I put her into the car, strapping her in.
Noelle put herself into the car as I followed suit, "Ready?" I grinned, turning my head to look at my sister, "Can you drive?" She asked, an eyebrow raised with a small smile on her face as she held on the to handle that was on the ceiling of my car. I feigned offense then laughed, "Who knows? This my first time driving on the highways so I guess we gon' see" I joked, putting my car in reverse and pulling out of the driveway. "Oh God" she laughed back.
The first 10 minutes or so were quiet, the sounds of the road, Leilani sleeping, and the soft music playing. "So what's your fiancé like?" My sister asked, turning in her seat a little to look at me, a small smile on her face. I smiled, "He's so handsome. He loves cars, he is such a car man. I've always been pretty dominant in all my relationships, always felt like I had to be the one to wear the pants, but he makes me wanna be submissive without dismissing how I feel, if that make sense. He make me wanna stop cussing men out." I put it simply after rambling, excited at my sisters interest in him.
My sister chucked in unison with me, knowing how I used to be in relationships. The fact that I'm getting married in a week is still so mind blowing to me. They say when a man knows, he knows. We'd been dating for two and a half years, and normally people our age would say that it's too soon to get married, that we're too young, but if we both know what we want and that we've found it in each other, what's the reason for waiting? That's why people be miserable in they relationships, cause they don't know what they want and they keep settling for anything.
I saw a phrase that said "Don't let your boyfriend stop you from finding your husband" and it tickled me cause when I met Justin, it was at a car show with my previous ex, seeing that tweet was a full circle moment for me. I knew that I was interested in Justin cause he made me feel things in 2 weeks that I didn't feel with my ex, and we were together for a year, plus my ex was emotionally abusive, hence why I used to curse men out, and cause of my dad growing up, but that's besides the point.
"I'm so glad that you found someone who can handle you. Someone who makes you want to be this new version of you. I'm excited to meet him, and I'm so thankful that you made Aria reach out. I couldn't imagine how I'd felt if I'd have missed your wedding" My sister beamed, reaching over to rub my elbow as a smile lifted my own lips now.
"What about you? Does Leilani's dad live in San Fran? Are you guys seeing each other? Or are you seeing someone else?" I asked, turning my head to look at her every small chance I got, still managing to keep my eyes on the road also. She shuffled uncomfortably, "Nah, he was a one night stand, remember? I don't plan on ever seeing him again. And since him, I haven't dated anyone or even been on a date, I don't too much have time for it" she replied, shrugging.
Noelle? Not dating? My sister? Not seeing anyone? For as long as I could remember, Noelle has always had boys fawning over her. She radiated confidence, dominance, sexiness. She was bold in her fashion sense too, in a room full of however many whoever's, it was hard to miss her and to not linger in her presence, and I'm not just saying that cause I look up to her. She'd always been talking to multiple guys at once, never really had a boyfriend unless she really liked them, she was picky in that sense.
"Noelle, you are a fine ass, chocolate, hot mama, why aren't you dating for real? You know the men have always flocked to you, what's the real reason you're not dating besides being busy? Is San Fran not full of delicious men?" I exclaimed, getting a small laugh from my sister. "I'd be lying if I said men didn't try to talk to me, it's just, none of the men in my area are really my type, and most of them are gay. The ones that are available are mostly white, nothing against white men, I just want someone who understands what it's like to be me. To be black. Plus, I've been working on celibacy since Lani's dad, I wanna wait until I'm married to start having sex again, and most men aren't willing to compromise like that. I'm willing to wait 10+ years if I have to for the right man to come along. I'm done settling" she replied.
I grinned at her words, but then my face scrunched together, "Wait, so Leilani's dad isn't white? Or at least mixed?" I asked, looking back at my niece through the rearview mirror as she slept, mouth opened and head laid on the door. Noelle looked at me, her face scrunched together, mouth agape, "Absolutely not!" She exclaimed. "He may be light skin, but he sure as shit ain't white. I'm kinda offended by that, to be honest!" She added, the same amount of offense as before.
I laughed, a hand covering my mouth, causing my sister to break out into a laugh herself. "I don't normally like the light brights, you know this. But Jeremiah was the perfect Carmel color, a little darker than Carmel to be honest. And he smelled good, you know I love a man who's well groomed. I actually just recently found out that he's one of Keith's friends. We ran into each other and I pretended like I didn't remember him, obviously Leilani didn't come up" she spoke, a look of guilt flashed across her eyes.
"Do you plan on telling him at all? Like, if you run into him again? He is Keith's friend, so he might be around. You never know what could happen, maybe he's your person and you won't have to wait 10+ years for him to come around. You do have a kid together, you know better than anyone that God works in mysterious ways" I replied. I don't know where those words came from if I'm honest, but she looked thoughtfully as I continued, "The worst that could happen is that he gets mad, or denies Leilani, but if he does, you've done this well by yourself for this long, and now you have more support than you did before now that we all know your situation" I added as she nodded her head, a small smile playing on her full lips.
"You're right. When I ran into him, I was so embarrassed but I had to play it cool and act like I didn't remember him cause he didn't seem to remember me. You know how I am when it comes to men, I'm literally Mrs. Play-it-cool, but with him, it's so hard for me to do that. He radiates more dominance than me, and I kinda like it. When I'm in his vicinity it's like we're constantly battling to see who can dominate the other more, and though I feel like I win, he makes my stomach feel weird and shit. It's like an unspoken battle and we use only our eyes and body language." She smiled as if she was remembering him.
A smirk lifted the corner of my lips, she was definitely interested in him. She just needed to get past that wall of "what if's" that I know she battling in her mind. If I'm being honest, I feel like he deserves to know about Leilani, but it wasn't my place to tell her that, especially since I feel like she feels the same way. She's just waiting on the right time. And her knowing that he and Keith know each other adds to the sense of guilt and embarrassment, and Noelle hates felling embarrassed. "That's really mysterious and sexy as hell. Whenever Justin is around I just wanna make him a sandwich at 3am" I replied, getting a full belly laugh from Noelle, "Yeah, you're a wife for real. I could imagine that" we laughed, even though we both knew I meant it. I've done it before and I have no regrets.
Noelle.
The rest of the ride to the airport was full of me and my sister's giggles like when we were kids again. I'm glad Aria suggested that Ayva take me. After I told her about what we talked about at the park, she figured we could use the bonding time, and she was right. This weekend with my family has most definitely healed a little part of me, it was a great start of us taking the necessary steps to be a better family.
After a heartfelt "see you later" with my sister, me and Lani made our way through TSA and sat waiting to board our flight back to San Fran. "Mommy, can I use your earphones?" Lani asked, her head laid on my lap, her IPad being held up by her little arms. I nodded my head, digging in the pocket of my black cropped hoodie and put one in her ear, I'd made a mental note to buy her, her own cause she uses mine more than I do. I gently rubbed her head, staring down at her for a little while, lost in thought.
Leilani deserves to know her father. Though growing up, I felt like my life would be so much better if I didn't have any parents, if I didn't have them, I probably wouldn't have had her. All of their choices in life influenced my choices, and though I have some regrets, even the night she was conceived was one of them, she's been my biggest blessing.
Going back to Seattle, I never in a million years thought that I would see Jeremiah again. As much as I wanted to forget every single moment of that night, my mind wouldn't allow me to. I remember every single look that we exchanged, every emotion I felt when he approached me, every touch, every tingle. Everything.
Maybe Ayva was right, maybe he is the person for me. "You're pushing it." I thought to myself. "That doesn't make sense, you don't even know him. He doesn't even know she exists" my mind continued. "But there's also a reason for everything. I met him for a reason. We have a child together for a reason" I continued. My mind swirled with arguments against my flesh and my spirit. It was becoming too much, I could barely hear myself think cause of how much I was thinking. Strange, I know.
"Is this seat taken?" A voice said, breaking through my vicious cycle of thoughts. My eyes snapped up to the tall man that was standing across from me, not too close, but close enough for me to smell his scent. I shook my head, "No, you can sit" I spoke, moving my purse out of the chair. He gave me a warm smile, his green eyes displaying a soft twinkle in his eye.
I smiled back, "Thanks" he spoke. I examined him for a few seconds before smiling back. He had dark curly hair, tattoos down his arms from what I could see. I looked over at the display screen, making sure I was at the right gate. "Flight 313 to San Francisco" I read in my head. I was in fact going to the right place, waiting for the right flight.
White men like him don't look like that in San Francisco, he had to have been just visiting. I looked around at the gate to my flight, there were a few other unoccupied seats that this man could have easily taken, why did he Insist on sitting directly next to me of all people? "Visiting family?" His deep voice spoke. I turned my head, he was leaned in a little, letting me know he was talking to me, a small smirk lifted his lips, but not in a way that would normally make me cringe.
I shook my head, "I was, that's why I'm in Seattle. I'm going back home now" I replied simply. The old me would have gotten up to walk away, but I remembered something that my grandma told me when I was little "Be careful how you treat people. You never know, you could be entertaining an Angel" her voice rang in my head. She told me that when I was around 8, and that's been something that's stuck with me for a while now, though I still had that sense of fight or flight.
While I'm not very keen on talking to people, he was handsome for a white man. "Gotcha" he replied. I love when white people, white people. No blaccent, no weirdness, just a white man being a white man, and a fine one at that. "How long have you lived in San Francisco?" He asked, adamant on getting the conversation going, I didn't mind though, it was nice to talk to somebody who was above the age of 6.
"Are you a serial killer?" I asked, my eyebrow raised at him as he let out a chuckle, showing off his pearly whites. I'm a sucker for a nice smile. "Are you?" He asked, causing me to grin now. I shook my head, "I've been there for about 5 and a half years" I replied. He nodded his head, "Are you just visiting or do you live there?" I asked, making friendly conversation. "Moving right now" he smiled, tapping his carry on.
"Minimalistic of you, I like it" I chuckled, causing him to do so also. "I'm gonna get the rest of my stuff shipped over to me, I'm fine with living out of a duffel bag for a few weeks if it means I run into more pretty women like you" he smiled. "Hmmm" I hummed out, "You got game, white boy. It's cute" he laughed out loud, causing me to laugh. I don't know if I was tripping, but I swear I saw his cheeks flush a little bright pink. I didn't know white people actually blushed. He scratched his full beard, a wide smile still on his face, "You got me blushin'"he replied, making me let out a full belly laugh as his followed quickly after mine.
My daughter looked up at me, causing me to snap into mommy mode and look down at her, sensing that her eyes were on me. "Mommy, it died" she spoke softly. "You can switch it out and get the other" I replied. I dug back in my pocket for my AirPods, switching out the left one that I gave her for my right one. As she eyed the man next to me then snuggled a little closer. "You wanna say hi?" I whispered. She leaned around me, looking at the man who was looking at her, "Hi" she said simply. "Hi, I'm Logan" he replied, a big tattooed hand out towards my daughter as she took it into her small one, "I'm Leilani, this is my mommy, her name is Noelle" she replied. His smile turned from her to me, "Logan" he spoke, a hand out to me. "Noelle" I replied shaking it.
After having small talk that lasted way longer than I thought it would, it was time to board the plane. "I guess I'll see you around" I replied, standing up to get in line. "Hopefully" he replied, a small smirk lifting his lips and a twinkle of mischief in his green orbs. I grinned, standing my daughter up and standing in line. I could feel him watching me, and for a second, I felt self conscious, my beige high waisted leggings hugging my thighs, a black baggy cropped hoodie covered my torso, and my carry on bag on my shoulder, my hair left in it's naturally curly state. I was completely covered but the feeling of his eyes on me made me feel bare.
I'm definitely out of touch with my flirty side. It's been years since I've been out of the dating scene, I'm sure with some practice I'll be back to my old self, eventually. When we made it to our seats, I helped Lani get situated, put her iPad and my airpods on the charger for her, gave her a throw blanket, and pulled out my phone to text my sister. I don't know what she did, but I'm sure that in some way, she has something to do with Logan talking to me.
Noelle:
Ayva what did u do
Why did this FINE ASS WHITE MAN TALK TO ME?
ITS YOUR FAULT😕
Ayva:
you lying
Noelle:
Did you pray and tell God to send me a man?
A yt one at that
Idk how yet...
But it's your fault
Ayva:
LMAOOO HOW😭
I may have sprinkled a lil love juice on you
Wait
When you say FINE...
how fine we talkin? 👀
Noelle:
Tattoos,
CURLY DARK HAIR
DARK EYES
It's your fault Ayva.
Ayva:
get his number
Noelle:
Ayva I have a child.
Don't nobody wanna play stepdaddy to a 5 year old.
Ayva:
who are you and wtf have u done to my sister
Be fr Noelle. 🙄
Let something good and FINE happen to u for once
Noelle:
we'll see🙄
Again, I wasn't sure how, but I was sure that this was somehow Ayva's fault. What are the odds of me being in San Fran for 5 years and never running into someone who looks like him, white or not. Jesus just knew he had to make me eat my words with this one. Maybe I was getting too far in my head, it was one conversation, he didn't purpose or anything, and he probably won't even ask for my number. The old Noelle would be playing it cool right now, I don't get worked up over men. The thought made me feel like a child, I hated it. Having a crush on someone was embarrassing to me.
For a long time, I haven't been able to meet a man who gives me butterflies. All they seem to give me now a days is fleas. They make me wanna throw up. Between him and Jeremiah, I didn't know how to compose myself. Maybe that's God breaking through my false confidence and making me see that I don't always have to be so unavailable and untouchable to certain men.
I opened the App Store on my phone and downloaded my social media apps that I hadn't been on for what felt like decades, starting with Facebook. A plethora of friend requests and messages flooded my notifications, I was still getting friend requests from three days ago when I hadn't been active in 5 years. I scrolled through my timeline, a bunch of different people who I hadn't seen in years or heard from sharing the craziest of things.
I went through my old pictures, smiling at some of them, frowning at others cause of how crazy I was during most of those times. I smiled at the last picture I posted on my timeline, an array of different pictures of me, some with Aria, the day before I found out I was pregnant. The smile on my face but the darkness in my eyes can't compare to the twinkle of joy that's in my eyes now. To think that I was in such a dark period of my life, making some rash decisions that shaped me into the person I am now, with the life I have now, amazed me.
As if knowing what I was thinking, Leilani laid her head on my shoulder, her pink little neck pillow propped behind her head. I smiled down at her before downloading Snapchat and Instagram back, deciding to leave Twitter where it's at, they a lil too toxic for me. Funny, but toxic. I was lost in my phone, scrolling away when the flight attendants started speaking.
I perked up in my seat, giving them my attention, even though I'd heard all this so many times before. At the last second, I got a notification on my phone, an airdrop was sent to me. I looked around the neighboring seats to see if they were just as lost as me, as I accepted it. It was a screenshot of someone's ID card, displaying their display name and phone number, a picture of Logan and his phone number as a smile spread across my lips.
I stared at it for a second, a smile lingering on my lips before I felt my seat move. I looked over my shoulder and was face to face with the man who'd just sent me his number. "You gonna text me or what?" He grinned. I lifted an eyebrow, a smile on my face now as I went to my contacts and pressed my ID card with my name and number displayed and took a screenshot, airdropping it to him. I heard his chuckle behind me as I smiled, my phone tucked between my thighs as my phone vibrated with a text message, "So I got game for a white boy?" His message read, causing me to giggle in my seat and him to chuckle from behind me. Who the hell am I becoming?
(IMAGINE HIM OLDER W A FULL BEARD AND HIS NECK TATTOOS LMFAOAOSOSO)
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AN: HI HI, not our girl being swooned by a yt man, love this for her. I'm also gonna start adding outfit inspiration cause I love that so much, I love having the image in my head while reading. Also, the look that I'm going for, for Logan would have to be somewhat like Reed Woehrle WITH his neck tattoos😭 I hope everyone had a happy new year and I pray that everyone reading will have such a peaceful year full of all the love and joy in the world and I pray that you all accept Jesus into your hearts, if not, know that he loves you regardless! Prayer requests always open, all 2024 💋💞