I was gonna do
Harry Potter.
But then somebody suggested
That I do
THE AMAZING ASS HAT
No wait...
I mean the Amazing Spider Man
Close enough
So first of all
This movie is a piece of shit.
It was made
Because they had to make it
So that's why
It was a piece of shit
So his folks are all,
"Lol bye bitch"
And leave him
With his aunt and uncle
Who btw are little bitches
His parents die
Because that's the life
Of a super hero
So now we see
Peter Parker
As a dude
Who is just like any teenager
Yeah all that bullshit
Now I have to give it
To those writers
Or acting coaches
Who made Peter
STUMBLE OVER EVERY
GOD DAMN WORD
AND HAVE GIANT HAIR.
That's just Edward Cullen with a stutter
He likes this slut
I mean whore
I mean bitch
Who is super cute
And hot
They are semi friends
She friend zones him
A lot
And his uncle embarrasses
The shit out of Parker
And all this stuff
Until the uncle
Who looks a gazillion years old by now
Gets murdle-lurdled
That's "murdered" for those who
Can't comprehend
My language.
And Peter
gets all emo
His aunt is all,
"Wahh..."
So Peter
Gets some box
That explains his whole family history
Yes it's a simple box
Then there's a lot of research
Reaaaallly boring shit
You could fall asleep
And not miss anything
Until he gets to
This lab where
That bitch he likes works
And his dads BFF
Then the little shit Parker
Manages to find
The SPIDER ROOM!
Filled with crazy ass spiders
And he's perfectly calm
So I'm gonna skip over
The whole
Turn into a spider thing
Because really
EVERYONE KNOWS HOW IT WENT DOWN
Seriously this isn't new
So the villain is a giant lizard
Peter's dad's BFF
And he just starts trying to take
Down a bridge
But then SPIDEY COMES IN!
Without his mask!
HOLD THE FUCK UP
The whole thing
To Spider-Man
Is that no one
Knows its Peter Parker
So...
WHY THE FUCK
WOULDN'T HE WEAR HIS MASK?!
He spent several fucking days to get that shit done!
He saves people
But people still hate him
He saved a little kid
From drowning
And they say he
Is like the fucking anti-Christ.
I mean seriously...
What the hell is wrong with these people?
So Spidey goes on many adventures
Tried to beat up Le Lizard
Nope
Instead gets girl of his dreams
And her dad finds them
In her bedroom
SITTING ON THE FLOOR
FAR APART
FROM EACH OTHER
LIKE NOT EVEN TOUCHING
So her dad decides,
"Welp, they must've had sex"
Even though they were
Fully clothes and not sweaty.
Did I mention her dad is the
Leader of the I Hate Spider Man Club?
Alright now some reeeeaaaallly boring shit goes down
Peter just kinda hangs in the sewer
Because fuck you Aunt
Then he fights giant lizard
And that somehow
Ends up on the Empire State Building
So they are causing shit to go down
The bitch's dad shows
Thinking he can
Kill a mutated lizard
With a hand gun
And the lizard is just like,
"YOU ARE A PATHETIC WASTE OF SPACE YOU MISTAKE DIE DIE DIE!"
So the bitch's dad dies
For some reason Parker is upset
The guy tried to kill him
Several times
So the lizard dude is dead
The bitch sees her dad dead
Blames Peter
So movie ends
With Peter
Being the smooth dude he is
Makes up with Le biotch
And probably gets laid
But all in all
This movie sucked
It sucked so bad
The Avengers didn't even want him
This movie has been officially Broken Down