"How long have you had the pain?", the doctor asked me the next morning as I sat on the stretcher, my legs dangling from it nervously.
"Since the collision", I mumbled, knowing I'd get scolded for my answer.
"If you weren't concussed, I'd give you a slap on the back of your head right now", he sighed, stepping away from me to sit on his desk, typing away in his computer.
"So? When can I come back?", I asked hopefully, not wanting to beat around the bush any longer. Our doctor knew that I wanted to get back onto the pitch as quickly as possible. I wouldn't know what to do if I had to sit out any longer. If I rested today and tomorrow, I'd be back in training for the match against Lyon.
"At least a week", he huffed. If he'd stood any closer next to me, he probably would've been able to hear my head burst at the decision.
"Really?", I whined, unsure of what else to ask. "But I feel fine! The pain is manageable right now, really. I won't do any headers, I promise!"
But my pleas fell upon deaf ears as he shook his head, finally turning towards me again.
"This is serious, Ellie. Go home, rest, please", he asked me as I slowly dragged myself onto my feet. His hands fell onto my shoulders gently as he turned me around, giving me a small nudge.
"I don't want to see you here for a week!"
"But I can watch, at least", I gave back, not awaiting his answer as I quickly made my way over towards the field. I wasn't wearing our training jersey, which the girls immediately noticed, already in their training session, heads flying towards me as I stepped onto the wet grass. I felt as though I could cry any second. I didn't want to miss a week of training. I didn't want to miss the Champions League match. I didn't want any of this.
"Hey, you", Jonas smiled at me pitifully as I stepped across the field further, walking towards him. He bumped his fist into mine. I wanted to laugh.
"Doc says I'm out for a week", I explained, although the thought of lying had crossed my mind once or twice in the short walk from the office towards here. There was no use - I was sure of it as I knew that the doctor would inform Jonas anyways, and I'd get a proper beating for lying about such a serious topic. There was no use. I was out.
"I'm sorry, Ellie", he smiled at me once more, with pity in his eyes and I wanted to lunge at him for a moment before he patted my back softly.
"You'll be back against Liverpool?", he asked, and I nodded immediately, although it hurt my head. The sun wasn't helping either.
"Yeah, for sure", I smiled, really believing it. I had nothing to hold onto but hope. We watched the team - my team - train in silence, both of us not having anything more to say.
During the water break, I tried to rack my brain whether or not this was the point where I go home and engulf myself in the silence of my empty flat, nothing but Magnus to busy my thoughts. Leah walked over to me, along with Viv and Beth.
"How's the head?", Leah asked as she took a sip of her drink, Jonas walking away to one of our co-managers.
"Clearly not as hard as we thought", Viv joked, but after she saw my face fall for a second, her own smile vanished.
"It's fine. I'm out for a week, though", I breathed. Leah gave me a glance to show me that she knew it wasn't fine.
"I'll miss you in France", Beth sighed and before I could stop her, she wrapped her arms around my waist, pulling me up into the air.
"Oi, you're light", she laughed, setting me down onto the ground. I didn't know what to answer, so I pretended I didn't hear.
"I won't miss the game", I promised, although I had no way of knowing whether I'd be allowed to travel with the team or not. Either way, staying at home and watching the game on television was not something I saw myself doing.
Fear came plunging at me as I rode home with Leah on my side. The car seemed to maneuver itself without any of my focus necessary, as my mind tumbled on the events of the past few days, or rather the past few years. I was concussed. I would be benched. They said they were being just careful. I'd heard all of these sentences before, and each time, they had only signaled one thing: I wasn't going to play anymore, ever.
It was the very sentences I'd heard when I had first opened up about everything, when I had first admitted that I needed a break.
We are just being careful. Take all the time you need. You'll come back even stronger. We will be with you every step of the day.
Each of those sentences had been a lie, and even though I wasn't sure whether Jonas was the type of person that Alexander was, I knew that this wasn't a good thing. It couldn't be.
"Are you alright?", Leah asked me, and I got a sense of deja-vu. She'd asked me this before. I'd lied each time. But this time, I couldn't control the tears that sprung into my eyes as I killed the engine in my driveway, only now realizing I hadn't taken the route to her flat.
"Hey, Ellie", Leah's voice softened as she rubbed her hand over my shoulder. I brought a hand to cover my eyes, the tears now spilling across my cheeks.
"I'm sorry", I croaked, not knowing what else to say. My mind was spiraling with flashbacks and all of a sudden, I didn't know whether I was still in London or back in Munich, I didn't know if it was Leah I was crying to or if the person rubbing my shoulder was merely a product of my loneliness. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do.
"Come on, let's go inside", Leah murmured, and before I could react to her statement, she was on my side of the car, softly guiding me out of the car and towards my flat. I didn't feel real anymore. I didn't know who I was anymore.
Leah sat me down on the couch, I realized when Magnus jumped onto my lap and a cup of tea was pressed into my hand, the mug hot against my fingers.
"What's wrong? And don't say it's nothing again, Ellie", Leah ordered, and I couldn't help but chuckle. Of course my lies had never gone past her. She had simply been too polite, too patient with me, to confront me about it before.
"I just- I don't know how to deal with this", I croaked. Leah's brows furrowed.
"What do you mean?"
"It sounds silly, I know", I sniffled, knowing that I likely wasn't making any sense to her as of right now.
"It doesn't, Ellie, but you have to explain", Leah sighed, her knees touching mine as she pulled them onto the couch.
"I just, whenever I've been benched before, I didn't go back on the pitch. I was always told it was just temporary, but-", I interrupted myself, thinking back to the first time I'd been told I wouldn't be starting. In the beginning, I had been promised that I would go on in the half time, afterwards, it had been the last twenty minutes and at a certain point, they'd just decided my position was on the bench, without an explanation, other than the fact that I needed to catch up.
"Ellie, you're injured", Leah sighed softly, and I was scared, for a second, that she was annoyed at me, but then I looked into her warm eyes and found myself getting lost in them, too in awe to care.
"There's nothing you have to worry about, other than recovering. It won't be long, it's just a week", Leah explained, and although I could hear her words, I couldn't quite understand them.
How could she be so sure- how could she-
"Talk to me", Leah nudged my side softly, and I looked up at her, wiping the tears away from my eyes. My efforts weren't successful as they were simply replaced by the flow from my eyes that I couldn't stop anymore.
"How do you know that? What if this is just the beginning, and Jonas never lets me play again? I mean-", I stopped myself, not wanting to spiral once more. Leah didn't understand - I could tell when I looked into her confused eyes.
"Ellie, you're our best player right now, but you're no use if you're injured. Jonas wants to make sure you're alright before you go back on the pitch, but you will go back. You're our top-scorer!"
Leah didn't understand. She couldn't understand. Why couldn't she just-
"Ellie, Ellie breathe!", Leah asked of me, and I felt her hand connect to my shoulder. I shook my head. I couldn't. I couldn't. I couldn't.
"Ellie", Leah nudged me softly, and before I knew it I felt her warm hands connect to my cheeks.
"Look at me. Breathe. In and out."
I attempted to listen to her words, to follow the rise and fall of her own chest, but it was difficult. I couldn't breathe.
It could've been minutes or hours until I found my breath again, but eventually I did, steading myself as I gripped onto Leah's hand harshly, trying everything I could to ground myself.
My breathing returned to a somewhat normal rhythm as I looked at Leah carefully, scared of her reaction. She was only the third person to witness my panic attacks, but the way she dealt with it was different from Syd and Poppi. Despite how calm she'd remained during the attack itself, I could tell from her face that she was nothing but worried, still not sure of what had just happened.
"I'm sorry you had to witness that", I half-joked, despite the fact that I meant my words quite literally. It didn't matter that she saw- I knew she'd say nothing about it, except maybe have a word with Jonas, but if I believed her he was some saint that could do no wrong, so it likely wouldn't have an effect. Either way, I was benched already.
But the fact that she saw it, that Leah was now burdened with worry, that I was on her mind right now and that she definitely wasn't the type of person to let this go easily, that she wasn't the person that wouldn't be affected - that bothered me. Leah shouldn't have to deal with this. She shouldn't have to deal with me.
"What happened in Bayern, Ellie?", she asked, and for my liking, her tone was far too serious. Okay, maybe this would become more of a problem for me, I realized with a heavy heart as I knew there was likely no coming out of it this time.
"I just...", I started, hoping to buy time to figure out an answer vague enough not to let her know exactly what had happened but exact enough to stop her from asking any further questions.
"I was benched for something that was out of my control."
Okay, that was a lie. It had been entirely in my control.
"And I was told it would only be for a short period of time, but that period lengthened every time I asked, and the time I got to play just kept shrinking. Until I didn't play anymore at all."
That was okay. That wasn't a lie. It was exact enough. It worked, because Leah didn't ask me anymore questions.
"Ellie, that's not gonna happen here. You are one of our best strikers, if not the best. Jonas knows how valuable you are for the team. You're gonna come back from this", Leah took my hands into hers, this time much softer, and stroked my thumb for a second.
"Okay", I sighed, not knowing if I should really believe her.
"Talk to Jonas, about this. He'll tell you the same thing", Leah suggested, and I held back the desire to scoff. I'd been told many things by coaches. Few of them were ever honest.
"Yeah, maybe I will", I smiled, although it was forced. I didn't know if Leah could tell. She probably could.
Her hand was still on mine when she reached for the remote, sprawled across my sofa as if it was her own. We soon lost ourselves in the movie playing in front of us, although I didn't pay much attention. My mind was all over the place, even when I boarded the plane to Lyon, having convinced Jonas to let me travel with the team, seeing as it was the least I could do. Jonas had told me that he was excited to see me come back into training, and I had the fear, just for a second, that Leah had spoken to him. But then I figured, or hoped, that Leah wouldn't betray me like that, and forced myself to nod, not knowing what else to do.
The air in Lyon was cold and blew into my face mercilessly as I sat on the seat next to Viv, following the game, my eyes being the only part of my face not buried beneath a scarf or a hat. I was wearing the team's merchandise, as I did most of the time, but the fabric was hidden in many more layers and only the winter coat that all of the substitutions wore was visible.
Watching the girls was far more difficult than I would like to admit. Every ball they chased, every attack that divided our defense was making my nerves tingle and my heart thump. I found myself standing up most of the time for a better vision, much to Viv's dismay, who quickly forced me to sit in the first row so that I wouldn't block her view all the time.
I jumped up and down for the first goal that Beth scored, but my nerves only settled by the third. I was confident, then, that we could win, although I wished I could have made that decision on the pitch.
The game ended with five goals for us, and I ended next to Leah, who had been taken off for Lotte, near the seventieth minute. Leah didn't mind being taken off the pitch the way I did, although I was sure that no one minded as much as I did. Caitlin and Viv likely were the ones to secure our three points with two goals each, and as I had watched them have a field day in the offense, I had longed for what I could have done on the pitch. I liked to think I would've scored a goal as well. Maybe two.
"Great game", I nudged Beth's head to the side, laughing as she came running towards me.
"We missed you on there", she whined, and I pretended her words didn't hurt. Leah nudged my side.
"Well, you made it work."
vivien speaks!
okay, first of all i'm SO SORRY for the time i took off! life has been so messy lately and yeah idk i just got caught up with other things but i'm back now!
this fic has been slightly restructured because my initial plan just dragged it out unnecessarily so yeah things might take off a bit quicker now!
i hope you all are still reading this and enjoyed the chapter :) lots more to come!