Fighting with half a soul that's aching to be whole.
If you could only see what I see.
Recklessly running from the demons your heart hold,
can hide behind the scars that they leave.
Dreamer (Stripped Down) - Mokita feat. Kaptan
Love, love is a verb.
Love is a doing word.
Fearless on my breath.
Teardrop - Massive Attack
•
"I have a question for you, Lovegood," said Tom. They were in Potions, standing on opposite sides of the table as they resumed work on their Veritaserum. He had regained his composure after the conversation at breakfast, though he was still annoyed at his own behavior. Luna Lovegood, for reasons he had yet to elucidate, puzzled him, made him feel raw and unprotected and decipherable. Once Luna looked up at him over their cauldron, he continued, "Something occurred to me after we spoke at breakfast."
"Yes, Tom?"
"You mentioned that your mother died in front of you when you were younger."
"Yes, Tom."
"But the night we met, you said your mother wanted you to come to Hogwarts for an exchange year rather than returning to Koldovstoretz."
Luna blinked, but otherwise did not react. "Yes, Tom."
He leveled a triumphant look at her. "So is your mother a ghost, or do you admit you were lying to me?"
"Yes, Tom." She returned to prepping their potion ingredients.
He frowned. "What do you mean, 'Yes, Tom'? Yes, your mother is a ghost, or yes, you lied? And don't say 'yes, Tom!'"
Infuriatingly, the girl nodded and didn't look back at him.
"Admit you're a liar!" He slammed his palm down on the table in frustration with such force that Professor Slughorn looked over and called, "Ho, there, Tom! No destroying the furniture!"
"I apologize, Professor," said Tom, his voice immediately dripping with obsequiousness.
"And you say that I'm a liar."
Tom jerked his head around in Luna's direction at the words, but she was gazing off into space and humming, as though she had said nothing at all.
•
September faded into October in concert with the leaves on the trees fading to new colors. In Potions each week, Tom scornfully ignored Luna Lovegood as she insisted on rambling about various subjects while they worked on their Veritaserum. One day it was gulping plimpies. The next it was a detailed list of conspiracy theories regarding the Ministry of Magic. Another day, she could not stop talking about her Mudblood friend, Litner. Regardless, Tom made a point of looking as uninterested as humanly possible...though this did not, to his chagrin, seem to deter her much.
And though someone would have had to Crucio it out of him, he also found that in quiet moments, in the library or while pacing the halls of the castle at night, if he wasn't vigilant, his mind would occasionally wander towards thoughts of her, like a curious child towards something interesting he'd seen on the ground. Was she really related to Dumbledore? Where had she really come from? Why couldn't he intimidate her? Why couldn't he read her? What exactly did she know about him? What exactly did she see when she looked at him? What would he have to do to get answers from her?
The final week of brewing their potion together, at the end of the period, Professor Slughorn came over and inspected their cauldron carefully. "Excellent! Top marks! I told you working with Tom here would be helpful your first month!" he cried, slapping Tom on the shoulder and offering Luna a wink.
The following weekend, in the second week of October, was the first Hogsmeade visit of the year. Tom was, for once, somewhat relieved to get out of the castle. He was on edge, feeling tired of wondering about the girl, and tired of being angry with himself for wondering about the girl.
And he had to admit, as he played with the ring on his finger in the Slytherin common room, that he was more tired in general these days. A dark cloud settled on him at the thought. His hand balled into a fist. He had done all the research. He had scoured every book. There simply wasn't that much information, but none of the information he had found mentioned that fatigue was a side effect of making a Horcrux.
Weak...pathetic..., whispered the voice in his head.
He shook his head. If this was his own weakness, he would simply have to overcome it. He had too many plans, too ambitious of designs to be suppressed by his own body. Perhaps his inability to decode Luna was also related. It was possible that a newly split soul's physical body required some amount of time to adjust. He would surpass it. All the more reason to ascend out of his own mortality even further. Why waste time and energy feeling exhausted? Why waste time and energy feeling anything at all?
"You ready to go, Riddle?" came Abraxas Malfoy's voice.
Tom looked up, the sounds of the common room coming back into his sphere of immediate awareness as he wrenched himself from his own mind. Malfoy, Nott, Avery, and Lestrange were standing nearby in their cloaks, waiting for him. He nodded, stood up, and led the way out of the common room to go to Hogsmeade, the other boys always walking a half step behind him.
Once in the village, they made their way directly for the Three Broomsticks. The pub was already crowded, but Tom directed his friends to bully a group of third years from their table in the corner while he ordered a round of butterbeers. He managed to charm the pretty barmaid into giving him the round on the house, then gathered the mugs and left her blushing furiously. Setting the butterbeers down on their newly acquired table, Tom smirked as his friends laughed admiringly about the fact he had obtained the drinks for free.
Tom had hardly settled in to enjoy the warmth of the pub when the bell over the door tinkled and in walked Luna Lovegood. She was not wearing her school robes, her cheeks flushed from the autumn wind, and as she unfastened her cloak, he rolled his eyes to see she was wearing the same purple stockings she had worn the first night she had waltzed unceremoniously into his life.
She glanced around the pub, her eyes landing on him for only a moment before moving on to keep searching, as she realized he wasn't what she was looking for. Spotting a group of Ravenclaw girls two tables over from Tom, Luna smiled and waved cheerily, heading over to sit down with the girls.
"What's this, Riddle?" Avery asked with a grin, following Tom's gaze to the table of girls. "Something caught your eye?"
Expression stoic and cold, Tom shifted his eyes to Avery with a blink.
The other boy's grin slipped, faltered. "Just wondering."
The other boys were now looking over at the Ravenclaw girls. "Can't say I blame you, Riddle," said Lestrange lasciviously, licking his lips, "that McTavish girl is quite a smashing little slag."
Tom glanced back over at the table of girls. He had hardly even registered the other girls at the table beyond their presence itself, so closely had he been watching Lovegood. The McTavish girl was indeed there, and so was the Viridian girl and the Mudblood Litner. They were all in his year, but he had hardly even taken the time to truly look at them, let alone speak to them. He'd had no reason to.
"Ah, she likes them Gryffindors," Nott said, waving his hand.
"I'm sure I could convince her to enjoy a little bit of serpent," Lestrange said, turning to look at Nott with a wicked grin.
"We're already aware your 'serpent's' little, Lestrange, no need to bring it up constantly," Tom said derisively, causing Lestrange's face to turn dark and the other boys to howl in laughter.
"Hello, Tom. Having a good time?"
Tom fought the urge to sink low in his chair. He turned to see Luna Lovegood had approached their table while he was distracted with conversation, and she was now standing there with her hands clasped in front of her, her wand tucked behind her left ear, and a good-humored look on her face. As he looked at her, she rolled her weight up to the balls of her feet, then rocked backwards onto her heels, then back to standing flat-footed. It gave her the appearance of having ended up at their table quite by mistake.
"Sod off, Lovegood," Nott said before Tom could respond.
Luna shifted her moon eyes to look at Nott. Her nose began to wrinkle slightly, as though she were inspecting something rather foul. "I beg your pardon?"
Watching with curiosity and a thread of amusement, Tom leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms to watch what she would do. He glanced over to the table of girls she had left and noted they were watching as well, faces betraying their anxiety and concern.
"He said, 'sod off'," Avery interjected. "Just because you were Tom's partner in Potions for a month doesn't mean you're entitled to waste our time."
"Honestly, you may be pureblood, but you're a blood traitor for hanging around that Mudblood Litner all the time. Not sure what we could except from a member of Dumbledore's family though, he's a filthy Muggle-lover himself," spat Malfoy. "Wish Grindelwald would just hurry up and take him out already."
A hush fell over the nearest tables as the students seated at them began to overhear the conversation and turn to watch.
"Dumbledore is the greatest wizard of our time," she said, her voice soft but sure, her words causing Tom to frown. "And Cat is better than you'll ever be."
Malfoy leaned across the table towards her, eyes alight with malice, enjoying it. "She's a filthy Mudblood, and you're hardly any better. And your pathetic Dumbledore is nothing but a - "
Luna's hand made a satisfying smacking sound that cut through the pub as she reached up and slapped Malfoy across the face. Looking aghast, his mouth still open mid-sentence, Malfoy slipped out of his seat from the surprise and force, landing on the floor with a thump.
"Don't you ever speak that way about the people I love in front of me," said Luna. Her voice was plain, though she did appear to be mildly surprised at what she had done.
Tom's eyebrows were as high on his forehead as they could go, the right corner of his mouth twitched upward at being so thoroughly entertained.
Malfoy scrambled to his feet, pulling out his wand. "How dare you!" he hissed. "If I wanted to, I could kill you right here."
Eyes darting around, Tom realized the entire pub was now watching, and Malfoy had already made the egregious error of wishing a Hogwarts professor dead in public. The last thing they needed was a duel in the middle of Hogsmeade. The Mudblood in question had stood up from the Ravenclaw girls' table and was moving towards Luna, unmistakably reaching into her pocket for her own wand. Then his eyes landed on Luna, who stood with her jaw set, unflinching before Malfoy's wand. Tom felt his curiosity about the odd but fierce little witch crest ever higher in spite of himself. Not even bothering to uncross his arms, he interrupted, tone as nonchalant as possible. "No, you won't, Malfoy."
In his rage, Malfoy rounded on Tom. "Who are you to say what I will or won't do, Riddle?" As soon as the words left his mouth, the other boys at the table froze.
Tom fixed the blonde boy with such a virulent glare that Malfoy took a startled step back.
"I mean...," stammered Malfoy, "I just meant -"
"Get out of my sight," Tom said, his voice alarmingly low and falsely calm. He glared around the table at the rest of the Slytherin boys. "All of you."
Without needing to be told twice, Malfoy, Nott, Avery, and Lestrange grabbed their cloaks and made their way through the stock-still, gaping patrons of the pub and out onto the street with a jingle of the bell over the door.
"What are you all staring at?" Tom said to the onlookers casually. He uncrossed one of his arms to tap the Prefect badge pinned to his sweater vest. "It's been taken care of."
The pub patrons began to turn back to their own tables and gossip about what they had just witnessed, the bar quickly becoming noisy again.
Tom's attention was drawn by Litner tugging on Luna's elbow. "Come on," she was saying, "we should get out of here, Luna."
But Luna was staring at Tom, her face inscrutable, and refusing to budge. "You didn't have to do that," she said.
"Do what?" Tom asked, cocking his eyebrow at her. "Stop another student from hexing you right in front of my nose while a whole crowd watched? Wouldn't have served me very well with the faculty, being a Prefect and all, don't you think?"
She tucked her hair behind her ear, inspecting him. Her friend Litner stood just behind her, looking at Tom with a mixture of fear and revulsion. Luna said, "Of course." Then she sat down at the table with him.
Litner groaned. "Oh, come on, Luna!" The two other girls had finally shaken off their shock and were now standing there as well.
"Yes, go on, then," Tom said, waving a hand towards Luna's friends. "Can't I enjoy my Hogsmeade weekend in peace?"
"I'll catch up with you," Luna said, turning to her friends.
The black-haired Mudblood looked as though she wanted to argue, but instead shot another glare at Tom, then shook her head. "Fine, then."
"It's fine, Cat." The tall, pretty girl, Lucinda McTavish, now pulled gently on Litner's arm. "Tom kept Luna from getting hurt."
A smug smile curled its way onto his mouth. He shot a wink at Lucinda, tipping his head at her in thanks for her words of confidence, causing both her and the Viridian girl's cheeks to flush.
Litner huffed in irritation, spinning on her heel. The girls gathered their things and bustled out of the pub, shooting glances back over their shoulders at him as they went.
Once they were gone, Tom studied Luna from his reclined position, sipping his butterbeer. "What do you want now? To thank me for doing exactly what I ought to do as a Prefect?"
"No," Luna said. "I wanted to ask you if you've ever heard of a Blibbering Humdinger."
Tom froze with his mug halfway to his mouth and stared at her over the rim. "You have to be joking."
"I'm not," Luna said honestly.
"I keep you from getting cursed into next year, and all you want to talk about is more of your made-up nonsense?" He snorted and put his mug back down on the table.
Her nose was wrinkling up again, the second time in the past several minutes alone. "Well, you've made it quite plain that you want me to believe you were merely performing the duty you felt you had to rather than truly assisting me, so in order to play along, I can't be too grateful. And the Blibbering Humdinger is most certainly not made-up nonsense."
"Want you to believe - I don't want you to believe anything, except for perhaps to not believe in crackpot ideas that you insist on discussing with me incessantly despite my utmost clarity in expressing my distaste for both your conversation and your company."
She huffed. "Fine." She stood up and began to put her cloak on.
Tom drained the rest of his butterbeer, then finally sat up in his chair, watching her. "Leaving so soon? Bloody hell, Lovegood, have I finally figured out how to get under your skin? Ignoring you, threatening you, or insulting you doesn't work, but call your friends Mudbloods and your stupid creatures made-up, and you nearly lose it."
Saying nothing, Luna headed towards the door of the pub.
Grabbing his own cloak, Tom followed her as though drawn by a magnet. "Lovegood," he repeated to her back as they emerged out onto the high street. "Lovegood!" She continued to ignore him, walking away towards the road back to the school. Irritation flaring, he grabbed her arm and pulled her around to look at him. "Don't ignore me."
There was a resoluteness in her face bordering on stubbornness. "Do you remember what I told you in Potions? I won't play games with you. I'm not one of your little followers, Tom Riddle. You will not treat me or the people I care about like this. I've offered you my friendship, not my subjugation."
Startled, he released her arm. She immediately turned away and continued walking. After a moment, he hurried to catch up to her, doing so quickly on long legs. "What is that supposed to mean?" he demanded.
"You're quite intelligent; I'm certain it would be redundant for me to explain or repeat myself." She glanced at him sideways, the sourness draining from her demeanor. She appeared unable to maintain it for very long.
Feeling confused and annoyed, distrustful and intrigued, Tom digested her words in silence for a moment. "You're very dramatic sometimes," he chided as they left Hogsmeade Village proper and started up the road between the village and the castle.
She glanced at him with raised eyebrows. "You're the most dramatic person I've ever met. Not to worry, it's charming at times, though I do wonder if you ever get tired."
"Tired of what?" he asked with a slight frown.
"Tired of all the pretending," Luna said bluntly, as though this was the most obvious thing in the world.
His slight frown progressed to a scowl. "Very clever," he snarled, "acting as though you know me, as though you see some side of me no one else sees." The worst part was that he was fairly sure she wasn't pretending at all, but his patience for the day had run out, and he barreled on. "I don't know why you're so insistent upon trying to insert yourself into my life, but you aren't fooling anyone with your innocent act. You've done nothing but lie to me from the moment you set foot in this school. You don't speak a word of Russian, your mum is alive one day and dead the next. I wouldn't be surprised in the least if you aren't related to Dumbledore at all. If you're going to lie to me, at least try harder next time."
To his displeasure, she took his words in stride. He had hoped to rile her up again, to relieve his own agitation through transferring it to her. Instead, she considered his words thoughtfully, chewing her lower lip as they walked. Then she nodded. "That's fair," she said. "I suppose you're right that I can't ask to be your friend if I've been dishonest with you."
He shook his head, but he felt a surge of triumph. "You admit it then?"
"I can't admit it." She was choosing her words carefully. "I can't tell you the truth, exactly. But how about a deal?"
"A deal? You're a nutter. What kind of deal would I make with you?"
"That you'll accept that I can't tell you every truth, but that I at least won't lie to you anymore."
He paused, eyeing her out of the corner of his eye, her hair whipping around her face in the wind.
Don't be an idiot. She can't be trusted.
Whatever cursed thing it was about her that intrigued him won out over his instincts for the moment, though he made mental note of her words. If she couldn't tell him the truth, that meant it was all the more interesting, and likely more important for him to know. He knew he wouldn't rest until he discovered it. "Fine," he said, rolling his eyes. "But this doesn't mean we're friends."