Orvar had asked me to stay with him, and my stomach had fluttered when he did. Just the thought alone made me so happy.
"Please, Gyda..." he'd said.
Hearing my name spilling from his lips still made me melt, just like it had the first time, all those months ago.
Gyda. My Gyda.
"Come live with me. Please." He'd looked at me, his eyes so hopeful yet hopeless.
My woman. My love.
Then and there, I knew I had to be with him, even if it meant I had to leave my family behind. I had always wanted to be with him, but now I understood I needed to be with him. I'd die without him. He was my family too. He and the baby. They were my future.
As I walked back to my house, making up my mind that I wanted to spend my future with Orvar, our baby kicked me. I took it as a sign. The little one agreed with me.
"I will figure it out..." I said, caressing my belly through the fabric of my dress while looking at the house in the distance. It was my house, but it didn't feel like my home anymore.
I did not want to hurt my mother and sisters. I didn't want to miss my nieces. The thought that I wouldn't see them grow up into beautiful women made me feel miserable. But I also knew they would have each other and that thought was comforting.
Plus, if any of them had a chance to pursue true happiness, I'd surely want them to take it. So maybe they would understand I had to do this? Maybe they could be happy for me. Eventually.
Sure, Gyda... Fat chance.
Of course, they wouldn't approve. They would feel betrayed by me. Embarrassed on my behalf. I would be a sinner in their eyes.
The last thing I wanted was to put shame on my family, and I figured the only way to go was to fully disappear. Maybe I should fake my own death? It was a drastic measure, but perhaps it could work?
Yes, it would work.
Elated by my new idea, I stepped inside the house, finding the little ones shouting and running around, giving me the opportunity to sneak up to my room and dump my bag in the bedroom before my mother or sisters could see it was dirtied with mud again.
Or so I thought...
"Gyda, how was your studying?" Fiona called out from the kitchen when I was halfway up the stairs. "And how are you feeling?"
"Good, and great."
"Have you seen Mother and Emmy? They're still not back."
I halted my steps. "No. Where did they go?"
"Don't know, but"—a high-pitched scream interrupted Fiona—"hush, Cici! Aunty Fiona is talking now!"
"She's just hungry," said Anandi, her voice also coming from the kitchen. "Come here, Cici. The stove is dangerous."
"Anyway!" Fiona all but screamed just to be heard over Cici's crying. "Gyda, dinner is close to ready and we could really use some extra hands!"
"I'll be right there!" I called out while running up the stairs.
***
"Where were you two?" Fiona asked when Mother and Emmy took their seats at the table, most of us already finished eating. "Hope you don't mind that we already started dinner, but the little ones were hungry, so..."
Mother nodded. "Of course, it's okay you filled their bellies. I wouldn't want my granddaughters to suffer from hunger just because I was late for dinner," Mother answered, ignoring Fiona's first question.
"Uh... Are you feeling okay, though?" Fiona asked, looking at our mother with worried eyes.
"Yes, dear." Mother weakly smiled. "I'm quite well."
"Mom..." Anandi said. "You don't seem okay. You look pale as a ghost."
Mother sighed. "A ghost?" She chuckled. "No. I'm—I'm... just tired."
I'm just tired. I knew that sentence like the back of my hand... Mother lied. She wasn't feeling 'quite well' and she didn't seem to be herself, either. She had an expression on her face I'd never seen before. All the color had left her face, leaving her paler than ever, and her eyes were dark-circled and bloodshot.
Had she been crying?
Fiona let her hand rest on Mother's wrist. "Are you sure—"
"Yes," Mother replied before she stuffed a bite in her mouth and chewed, her eyes fixated on her plate.
"Okay."
Mother looked up. "And when you're done, you may leave the table. The kids can play a little and I'll say goodnight to them when I am done." Her eyes found mine next. "And Gyda... I want to speak to you when I'm done. In private."
"Y-yes, Mother."
***
Nervously pacing around my bedroom, I waited for Mother.
What did she want to talk to me about? I supposed it could be anything, really, with all these secrets and lies lately. Had she found out about Orvar? About me sneaking out of the library? About Amira? About the swamp? Did it have something to do with my dreams or my questions about these dreams? I didn't know, but I was sure there was something.
And that only made me more anxious.
Even though I was expecting her, I was startled when she pulled open my door without knocking and stepped inside.
I watched her take the gold-colored key out of its lock and put it in the front pocket of her dress. She left the door unlocked.
For now.
She'd done this once before—taken my key and kept it in her pocket. I couldn't remember what I'd done at the time to cross her, but I remembered I was locked up the whole night. Déjà vu hit me in the face, only this time there were numerous reasons she could be angry with me.
I balled my fists when Mom slowly approached me and halted her steps in front of me, the toes of her shoes almost stepping on mine. Knowing Mother valued eye contact, I looked up to meet her eyes. They looked sad no longer, but angry instead.
"Mom—"
A sudden slap against my left cheek left me in shocked silence, heat rushing through my body as tears instantly welled in my eyes.
Mother was trembling in anger and stepped forward, making me step backward until the wall was in the way and my back pressed against it.
"What are the odds..." Mother started, staring down at me. I looked away, but she made me look at her again, pinching my chin with her cold fingers. "What are the odds that a fifty-six-year-old receives the best and the worst news of her life on the exact same day?" She released my face when a choked whimper fell from my lips. "Oh, don't stand there looking afraid as if I would cause you harm, Gyda. You're the one who's close to causing harm to us all."
"W-what do you mean?"
"Shall I start with sharing the good news, then?"
I nodded, not knowing what else to do.
Mother took a step back. Her eyes started to sparkle. "Today, I got word from the Whitehairs that Zachary wishes to meet you, in private, after the baby is born." She laid her hand on my belly, her touch gentle this time. "Do you understand this, child?"
"Meet me?"
"Yes. This is a major chance for you. A chance to get into their world." She laughed softly. "Do you realize how rare this opportunity is? He could have asked for any girl. Virgin, noble-born, rich. But for some reason, he asked for you. And a private meeting too! I don't know how or when, but somehow you, a pregnant peasant girl, have managed to spark his interest!"
"But I—I have not s-seen him since Harmony Day," I answered, confused about what this man wanted from me. I didn't want any proposal from him. I didn't want him.
"It doesn't matter when you last saw him," Mother said, waving her hand. "It only matters that he asked for this. So we will schedule an appointment as soon as you have delivered your child."
"But—"
"No buts! Now... for the worst news of my life..." Mother swallowed and her eyes narrowed. I bit my lip raw, waiting until she spoke again. "I cannot even speak of what I have witnessed today, as it is too—too—too revolting!" she spat. "But I shall tell you this, child. You are not to see that monster ever again! It is against the rules!"
I gasped. She had found out about Orvar and me. And she'd seen us? Today, she said?
The sound. I suddenly realized it. The sound hadn't been a rabbit. "You saw me? You were t-there. Weren't you? At the start of the blood pass."
How had she found out?
Mother ignored my questions. "Out of all my daughters, I would have never expected my youngest to be the biggest liar of all. But you—you have been lying to us for months, haven't you? Secretly meeting that beast! Spending time with him while we thought you were busy or feeling unwell!"
Anger suddenly rushed through my body. "He's not a beast!"
"He is a beast! He's an orc!" Mother shouted. She shivered in anger, her hands burying themselves in her hair. "And I've always known you had this ridiculous interest in those beasts, but to do this—this?! Have you gone mad?!"
"Mom, I love him!"
Mother's eyes grew wide, her lips parting. "What did you just say?"
"I love him."
Fuck, it felt good to just say it.
"Don't speak nonsense. It's just your hormones." She closed her eyes and nodded. "Yes—yes, it's just the hormones."
"It's not nonsense. And it's not my hormones. I love him and—and I want to live with him. I want to be with him and our child."
"You lied to us and met an orc in secret because you love him? And because you want to be with him?" Mother's facial expression was back to angry again.
"Y-yes."
"Tough luck." She grabbed my face between her hands and looked me in the eye. "What makes you think that you can get what you want? Hm, my Gyda? Do you think I always get what I want? Do you think it matters what I want? Do you think it matters to me what you want?"
"Mom—"
"It doesn't matter! Because in life you cannot always get what you want, especially not in the life we lead! As a young peasant woman, you can only be happy with what you have. And you, my youngest daughter, have a family that loves you, a roof over your head, a mouth that gets fed every day! You have thirteen nieces, three sisters, and a mother who only wants what's best for you! And now, there is even the chance to receive a marriage proposal from a human man! A noble man! And here you are, on your way to ruin everything, not only for yourself but also for your family, because you love an orc and want to be with him!?" Her face was flushed with anger.
"We–we want to be together." I folded my hands around my mother's hands, which were still cupping my face. "Nobody has to find out!" I nodded and smiled, trying to convince her. "I can disappear! Nobody needs to know—"
"No." She shook her head.
"B-but—"
"Lies have short legs, Gyda," she softly answered. "People will learn the truth sooner or later. You of all people should realize that by now." She stepped back. "I won't let you ruin everything for the others. You may think of me as a cold, selfish woman, but when you have daughters of your own, you will learn what it's like to be a mother. Everything I do is for your future and that of my other children and grandchildren. And I will not let you ruin everything because you want what you want. You are not all that matters. You're a selfish girl."
My eyes blurred once more. My nose stung, and my throat thickened. "I am not selfish."
Mother was indifferent to the tears that came spilling. "You shall remain in this room until you're over this—this rebellious phase of yours, and then we shall never speak about it again!" She said, then turned around, and stomped to the door.
"W-what do you mean by that?" I asked, tears rolling down my cheeks.
"It's not that hard to grasp, child. You will never see or meet that orc again."
"You—you can't do that!" I choked.
"I don't care if it's months or years, Gyda. I will lock you up for decades if I must. I will tell people you have fallen ill. I will even risk losing Zachary and his proposal. But you will stay here until you have forgotten all about that beast!"
Mother left the room and slammed the door shut. I could hear the lock twist.
"Mother!" I shouted, running to the door, pulling at the handle with all the power inside of me. "No! You can't lock me up!" I screamed, panic rising inside. "Mother!"