the next time shubman sees ishan, it's at a meeting in mumbai. a week after the video call.
through that week shubman tried to act normal in his texts with ishan. he didn't attempt to call him, knowing he would end up saying something he'd regret. there were a few missed calls from ishan though. but it was easy to make an excuse of 'sorry, was in practice' or 'working out right now' or 'left phone in the room'.
it was hard to live without hearing his favourite voice but it would be harder to stop himself from asking him about what happened. ishan didn't tell him anything about his hook-up. shubman doubts he remembers it.
shubman: where are u?
ishan: just checked-in
ishan: jaldi aaja bhai
shubman: missed me?
ishan: too much :(
shubman cusses himself when he feels a blush raising in his cheeks. he reminds his heart of the wound that hasn't healed yet.
for the remaining stay in new zealand, he did everything to keep himself distracted from thoughts that could break his own heart for the hundredth time. he spent more time training with virat, joked around with the boys like always, even hung out with rachin. spending the nights alone was unnerving though, the bed felt too big for him and the silence in the room threatened to echo his thoughts. so, he asked surya if he could be his roommate.
he agreed way too easily for someone who always complained about shubman bugging him.
"i hope you're not pitying me," shubman said with a wry smile.
surya patted his back. "it's hard not to when my favourite junior is involved."
"did you just call me your favourite?"
"i meant ishan."
shubman huffed. "can you be a little sensitive please?"
surya smiled. "what, can't i even mention his name now?"
"no, i mean, yes." shubman scratched his head. "i've been texting him anyway. you have no idea how i've been holding it in."
"talking in person is always the best, be patient for a while."
shubman groaned. "i've never been this patient in my life. i like him for god's sake. how can he just play around like that-"
"shubman."
"okay, sorry." he sighed. "i just need to blame someone for my stupid heart falling for him in the first place."
"have a proper talk with him this time, alright?"
shubman nods. "you know, i haven't felt this down since my first breakup. well, it wasn't as intense with my girlfriends to start with-"
"girlfriends? damn, bro is talking in plural," siraj's voice piped up from behind which scared the shit out of shubman honestly.
"whatcha talking about, boys? why's shubman down?" he asked, taking a seat with them. shubman and surya eyed each other with concern.
"um, because ishan isn't here." surya says, to which shubman shoots him a look.
"so the usual. anyways, i just saw virat bhai..." siraj went on to talk about whatever he saw so the conversation about ishan was cut short.
coming back to the present, shubman gives himself a solid three-minute pep talk standing outside the door.
no matter how hurt he is, he absolutely cannot lash out on ishan. mostly because it will bring no good. neither of them are confrontational in nature, it will just turn into a game of avoidance.
taking a deep breath he enters the room. ishan immediately lifts his head, a wide smile etching on his face.
he almost jumps on shubman, taking him into a crushing hug. "welcome back, meri jaan," he says, snuggling close to him.
shubman melts into the hug, finally feeling the warmth and touch he's been yearning for. for a moment, he forgets the hurt, the grudges, and just lets his body fit into the smaller frame of ishan.
"i missed you. god, i fucking missed you so much," he mumbles, moving his fingers through ishan's hair.
ishan pulls back chuckling. "it's been not even ten days. how are you ever going to survive without me?"
"are you implying i'll have to live without you?"
ishan smacks him playfully and helps him with his luggage. the scent of shubman's cologne soons fills up the room, lending a sense of comfort and familiarity to ishan.
"so what have you been upto?" shubman asks when they're done unpacking.
"nothing impressive. woke up early to practice and went back to bed, had cheat meals every two days, met up with some old friends. you know, the usual."
shubman purses his lips, hesitant. "you...you didn't facetime me after all, on new's year's eve."
ishan rubs his neck awkwardly. "im sorry, shubi. i was pretty much blacked out that day, my stupid friends dragged me from one party to another."
shubman idly drums his fingers against his lap, not looking at ishan. "you could have called me."
"you could have picked up when i did," ishan says with a slight defensive tone.
"i was busy."
"of course you were," ishan grunts. "a benched player like me wouldn't know."
shubman looks up. "so you've decided to speak finally. thank you so much, for letting me in on your personal reasons."
ishan realizes his slip-up, feeling bad for almost sounding petty. "what are you talking about?"
"i talked to vivan about it."
"why the hell would you do that?"
shubman scoffs. "oh, is that an invasion of your privacy now? i wouldn't have had to do that if you just fucking talked to me."
ishan feels agitation growing inside him. "shubman, it's up to me about what and when i want to talk to anyone about it."
"i could have helped you. why do you always try to deal with everything on your own? im here, i told you im here."
"i didn't want to shift your focus from the game, alright?"
"all i could think about in these ten days was you for fuck's sake," shubman can't help it if desperation seeps into his voice.
ishan sighs, closing his eyes. "look, i don't want to have an argument when you've just returned. let's get going for the meeting."
shubman tightens his jaw. "you're running away again. just like you ran away from the match."
fuck, he didn't mean that.
ishan glares at him. "say that again and you won't see me for another ten days."
"because you like it, right? when im not around? you must have fun with people who are not as clingy as me."
shubman wants to slap himself. shut the fuck up, he pleads to his mouth.
ishan scowls. "what the hell are you even talking about? not everything is about you, shubman. you think it's fun to sit around at home when your team is giving their best out there? you think it was easy for me?"
"then why didn't you tell me? why did you think i wouldn't understand?"
"like i said," ishan grits his teeth. "i wasn't ready to talk about it to anyone. have some empathy, will you?"
shubman doesn't respond for a while, just keeps his eyes on ishan. "okay," he finally says. "okay, im sorry. im just pissed but i guess you've been feeling worse. sorry."
ishan sighs, running his fingers through his hair in annoyance. "it's okay. let's just move on. it's good that i won't have to explain what happened to you."
after the meeting, ishan gets bombarded by everyone wanting to catch up with him.
"yeah, he was sleeping and we sprayed some whipped cream into his mouth, you know. he ate it! and slept for another two hours!" siraj tells him about their attempted prank with rohit.
ishan laughs as they narrate him more stories that he missed.
"shubman missed you way too much, ishu. he'd wake up in the middle of the night asking for you and i'd have to sing him lullabies to make him sleep," hardik says with a dramatic sigh.
shubman snorts. "i wasn't even rooming with you."
hardik shushes him, continuing to fabricate embarrassing details.
"but i guess ishan didn't miss him enough since he looked pretty busy that night," siraj says with a smirk.
"huh?" ishan raises an eyebrow. shubman once again feels the pang of hurt.
"don't tell me you don't even remember her name." hardik laughs.
it takes ishan a moment to get what they're referring to. he groans once he does. "oh my god, so y'all really did call."
"yeah and you picked up." siraj snickers.
"please, just forget about it. i was absolutely hammered. i barely managed to get back home," ishan says.
hardik continues teasing him without mercy. "i should have taken a screenshot. the lipstick stains and hickeys, damn. almost a piece of art, i tell you."
"shubman, im sorry for your loss.'
ishan groans again in protest, asking them to shut up. shubman grows tense as he's reminded of the ugly memory. he ignores the burning in the pit of his stomach.
he steps back, walking away from the group. surya looks at him with softened eyes but doesn't reach for stopping him.
ishan frowns, sensing something off.
"hey."
shubman looks up, noticing ishan enter the room.
"why'd you leave without me?" ishan smiles, offering him a canned coffee.
shubman shrugs. "just wanted to laze around."
"are you alright?"
shubman manages a smile. "yeah."
ishan isn't convinced. getting closer to shubman, he rubs his cheeks gently. "i know this probably sounds hypocritical but you can tell me if something's on your mind."
"i don't think i can," shubman mutters.
"can i make you feel better then?" ishan asks, bringing his face closer.
shubman's heart picks up. he doesn't respond.
ishan's gaze drops to shubman's lips. "i missed you," he whispers, inches away from kissing him.
shubman feels a weird sense of discomfort that escalates into anger. he backs away right before their lips connect.
"you don't get to do this to me."
"is something wrong?" ishan asks, confused at the sudden shift in mood.
shubman stands up, getting away. "i deserve better than having my feelings toyed with."
ishan frowns. "what are you talking about?"
"you have no idea how much i've missed you," shubman says, looking at him with sad eyes.
"yeah, and i missed you too, shubi."
"to hell if you did. fucking nameless strangers, is that how you miss me?"
ishan does not like the accusing tone. "what's that got to do with anything?"
"you think i wanted to see you in that state? touched and kissed by someone else? it filled me with rage to think you were letting others hold you like i did."
"wait, i don't understand why you're mad."
shubman inhales sharply. "did it mean nothing to you? everything that we did?"
ishan can't grasp the gravity of the situation. "why'd you say that? i wouldn't have done it if i wasn't comfortable with you. you're my best friend and anything involving you is always my priority."
shubman clenches his fists. "stop saying best friend when you damn well know we have crossed the line way too many times."
"yeah but it hasn't affected our friendship, right? i thought we were on the same page?"
"ishan, i-" shubman feels exasperated. "i don't want to be your friend. i don't want to be just a friend to you."
it finally starts hitting ishan, he tries to deny it before his brain makes the complete realization. "wait-"
"i like you, ishan. i really fucking like you and it hurts," shubman says, his eyes flashing with desperation.
ishan's eyes widen in surprise. "no, no, you're joking. you...this is a prank, right?"
shubman gets closer to him. "i can't hold it in anymore. i have feelings for you."
ishan starts backing away, fumbling with his words. "look, we can sort this out. you're probably confused because im the first guy you've kissed."
"i don't care about that. it's not about you being a guy or not. i want you. i want you all to myself. i don't think i can see you with anyone else. fuck, i don't think i can go on without you before my eyes."
ishan recalls every moment of them together in the past few weeks where he could have sensed that it'd have rounded up to this moment. he thinks if he said anything that he didn't mean that could have led shubman on.
for the very first time, ishan feels scared in his life. he's scared of losing shubman. more importantly, he's scared of being the cause of his heartbreak.
"please stop," he begs.
"don't be like this, ishan," shubman says, his eyes looking unbearably sad.
"no, you don't be like this. don't do this to me, please. fuck."
shubman's heart breaks with each step he takes towards ishan. "just tell me what's wrong with me? i'll be better for you, i promise."
ishan starts growing anxious. "nothing, nothing is wrong with you. but we can't- this is not something i planned."
"i didn't plan to fall for you either."
"well, that's your responsibility then," ishan says, not knowing how to keep speaking. "we did not agree to have a label. we were not together, shubi. don't blame me for your feelings."
shubman tries to contain any tears that are starting to form. "i refuse to believe you felt nothing everytime we kissed."
ishan shakes his head. "just because we kissed doesn't mean im supposed to cater to your feelings. if you were starting to have feelings, why didn't you tell me?"
"just for you to end things right there?"
ishan looks at him with a firm expression. "yes. i never meant to lead you on, shubi. you need to understand that."
"i don't know what to say," shubman mutters, sitting down on the bed.
all ishan wants to do is run away from the room but then it dawns on him. this is shubman, his best friend. someone he'd defend if the whole world was against him. someone who's been with him through thick and thin. someone he cares about more than himself. someone he can't afford to lose.
he's not leaving shubman at such a vulnerable moment. so he slowly sits beside him. "shubi, look at me," he says softly.
"i think you can leave, it's humiliating," shubman says from behind his hands covering his face.
"no, im not running away again. not from you. never."
ishan's heart pains when he sees tears down shubman's cheeks. he reaches his hands to wipe them off softly.
"listen to me, shubi. i kissed you because i trust you the most. i know that we are each other's comfort. i enjoyed and cherished every moment of us together, i really did. but im sorry if i ever gave you the wrong idea."
that doesn't stop shubman's tears at all. he doesn't say anything.
ishan continues, "you're my favourite person, you know. i always knew i'd do anything to never have to see tears in your eyes. i just never thought i'd be the reason for them."
he rubs gentle circles on shubman's cheeks. "i love you so much, shubi. i love you more than anything i'll ever love. im sorry that it's not in the way you want."
the lump in shubman's grows, making it hard for him to speak.
"i wish you did. i really fucking wish you did," he says in between sobs.
ishan presses a kiss on his forehead. "i want you to know that it was very brave of you to be who you truly are. and im so glad that you decided to share that part of yourself with me. i wanted to help you figure yourself out. i wanted to show you that it's okay to like men. i thought it'd be easier for you if i were the one to show it to you. i was happy that you were starting to accept yourself."
shubman has never felt smaller like he does right now. the world seems to be hovering over him and it's crushing him down.
he has so much to say to ishan but all he can muster up is, "thank you."
ishan holds his hand. "you'll be okay, i promise."
life is ironic, isn't it? the one that breaks your heart is the only one who can fix it.
"will you ever like me back?" shubman asks, the last bit of hope shamelessly gripping onto him.
a sad smile takes over ishan's face, he doesn't respond.
shubman takes that as a no.
-x-
author's note:
hell long of a chapter (2.7k words) bc i was procrastinating smh.
dw guys ishan ka jealousy era aaraha hai :)