TW- Bullying, homophobia
(I have no idea how trigger warnings are supposed to work on this website, please let me know if I did something wrong)
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I can't move. I can't breathe. Panic has a choke-hold on me as I stare ahead at my locker, and the thick, big letters scribbled over the front of it in red permanent marker. Beside me, Chloe gently shakes my arm, speaking, but I can't hear her.
This locker belongs to a - and then there's a homophobic slur. I've never been bullied at school before. Looked down on, maybe, but this? This is new, and I'm absolutely terrified, and humiliated.
I'm still in shock when I'm pulled into the headmaster's office at the end of the day, and he sits me down at the desk, speaking gently to me, asking if I know who might have done it. I tell him the truth- that I have no idea. I keep to myself too much to have beef with someone. They've already had the janitor scrubbing my locker, and now it's almost all gone, but I can still see it when I blink, and I can hear everyone around me gasping, some of them laughing. Did Ash see it too? The whole school has been talking about it, so even if he didn't, he'll know. All of the dopamine I got from hanging out with him last night is gone again, dragging me down to the lowest point I've probably ever been.
"We'll get to the bottom of this, I promise," Oak says. Chloe is waiting outside of his office for me when I come out.
"Well? Do they know who did it?"
"No. The cameras don't work properly." I sigh. I just want to go home. Everyone's staring at me, and I'm not used to it. I don't like being the centre of attention for any reason, never mind this.
"Who would do something like this, especially at our age?" she asks no one in particular, frowning deeply at the floor. I know this will be affecting her too- she's not out yet, and this can't be helping her confidence in doing it. I wish I had some comforting words for her, but I don't.
As we head out the main entrance, I spot Ash at the foot of the stairs, standing beside Gary, Dawn, Serena and two other people I don't know. His eyes catch mine, and he smiles sadly, but as we walk down the stairs, it's clear he's not going to come over. I turn away from him, clenching my jaw, not smiling back. Maybe it's wrong of me to expect so much from him so soon, but I at least thought he'd come to check on me. All this tells me is that I was right. He might like me, but he's still ashamed to be my friend, and so he's keeping it a secret, and avoiding me in public.
"What's going on?" Chloe asks, noticing the looks we gave one another.
I need to tell someone, to get it off my chest. "We hung out last night."
She's clearly surprised. "Not tutoring?"
"No, we went out in his car," I sigh. "I asked him why he wanted to hang out with me, and he said he doesn't care about popularity and that he likes me." I turn to look up at the sky. It's going to snow again. "But it's pretty obvious he was lying, because his friends don't even know I'm tutoring him, never mind that we've hung out a couple times."
She looks like she feels sorry for me. "It's not fair if he's keeping you a secret. Maybe you should bring it up to him?"
I shake my head. "No. We've only hung out two times, anyway. Maybe to him, we're not even friends. He has so many already."
I can tell she wants to argue, but she doesn't, and I change the subject until I drop her off outside her house and head the rest of the way back to mine alone. I'm sure as hell not telling my parents what happened today. I don't need anymore people thinking I'm getting bullied at school at the age of seventeen. It's humiliating enough as it is.
When I get to my room, I fall into bed without even changing, pulling the covers up over my head. There's a lump in my throat like I might be close to tears, but they don't come. I wish I would just cry to get it out of my system before someone else gets home. Maybe I can just sleep this misery away instead.
I close my eyes, but my phone buzzes, and even if I want to, I can't ignore it. I pick it up, to see a text from Ash. What are you up to?
I stare at it, debating whether to answer or not. I want to be able to ignore it, but I know myself, and I'm too weak for that. Nothing really. What's up?
Can I come over?
I don't know if he means for me tutor him or not. Either way, how can I face him right now? There's no way he wants to be associated with the kid that has slurs written on his locker in permanent marker. That's just social suicide. Still, I text back saying sure, if he wants to. I hear a car ten minutes later, and look out of my window to see him parking on my drive, leaving room for my parents' car where they usually park it. Gathering myself, I make myself head downstairs to let him in.
He seems awkward when I answer the door, which makes me feel awkward too. I automatically head upstairs, figuring he'll follow, which he does. Being in his presence wakes me up a little, especially when he walks through the door beside me, almost touching me. I close the door behind him.
"I'm sorry," he says before anything else. "About what happened today."
A sick feeling takes over my body. I don't want to talk about this with him. "It's fine. I mean, it's not fine, but I'll get over it."
"Do you know who it was?" he asks.
"No." I sit down at my desk, swivelling the chair to face him. "Honestly, it's fine. Someone probably just thought it was funny."
"Well, it's not," he says, genuinely seeming annoyed. My throat is suddenly dry. "Let me know if you figure out who it was."
"Why?" I ask, raising an eyebrow. What could he do about it?
The look he gives me is more serious and dark than I've ever seen him, and makes my heart stutter against my ribs. "So I can make sure they never do it again," he says, deathly serious. "Nobody fucks with my friends."
Oh, so we are friends. I want to argue that there's no way he's going to stick up for me like that when he won't even admit to his other friends that we're friends, but I don't. "You'd just get into trouble," I say instead. "Can we just drop it?"
He must see how exhausted I am, because he nods, frowning. "Okay."
"You need to work on biology before the test on Thursday," I say, changing the subject. Ash is still frowning, but agrees to let me tutor him. Within a few minutes, we fall into the comfortable routine I've gotten used to, and I almost forget that I have a raging crush on him, until we both turn to each other at the same time, and I realise how close our faces are. I quickly clear my throat and turn away, heat rising up my neck and my face. Thankfully, he doesn't seem to notice.
After an hour or so, he already seems a lot more confident about the test, so I stop tutoring him, and instead we go out in his car again. He's a pretty good driver, and I feel at ease in his car. Spending time with him makes it easier to forget about what happened, and I wish I could stay out here with him forever, with no cares in the world.
"Do you want to try?" he asks randomly when we're on a quiet, straight road.
"Try what?" I ask.
"Driving."
I blink at him. "That's illegal."
He shoots me a look, one eyebrow raised. My heart hammers against my ribs again. Not only do I not have any idea how to drive, but also, Ash drives a manual, so it would be even more difficult. "I don't know," I say, frowning. "I don't know what I'm doing."
"Okay, well you can at least change gear for me, right?" He says, grinning. I have no idea why he wants me to drive so badly. Maybe he's just trying to make me feel involved. He nods to the gearstick. I put my hand on it, but the lighting in here is nonexistent save for the moonlight, and I don't know which gear is which. "Alright, you can move it up into fifth."
"I don't know which one that is," I admit. Before I know what's happening, Ash places his hand on top of mine, his fingers sliding between mine, and he guides me up and to the right, where I assume fifth gear is, but I can't focus on anything but the fact that he's pretty much holding my hand right now. Only when he moves his hand away, saying something I don't hear, do I remember to breathe. Does he even realise what that would look like to other people? I pull my hand back, and my skin is burning up.
"I don't think I'd be a good driver," I manage to choke out, not wanting to give away how much that affected me.
"I bet you would be," he says, looking sideways at me, smiling. I can't look back at him because I'm flustered, and he'll notice. I know him and Dawn are always playfully hitting and touching each other, and with his outgoing personality he's probably a lot more comfortable than I am touching people casually, but I never touch anyone. To me, it seems like something, when in reality it's probably nothing.
It's eight when we ride back into town. Ash has to pass his own house to get to mine, and as we do, I spot a car I don't recognise parked outside of it. Ash goes quiet, a nervous look passing over his face as we speed past it, a little too fast.
"Who's car was that?" I ask, leaning to watch it as we pass. I almost do recognise it, actually. I've definitely seen it in the school parking lot before.
"Gary's," he says, clenching his jaw, keeping his eyes on the road ahead. "He must have come over to hang out."
So that's why he raced past. He didn't want Gary to see us together, hanging out. I feel the life drain out of me again, and cross my arms. I want to ask him why he's so afraid of what Gary thinks, but I can't make myself. Ash seems so headstrong and confident in himself, that I don't understand why he would ever care what anyone thinks, never mind Gary, who's the most stuck up, arrogant asshole in the whole school. "Oh," I say instead, then keep my mouth shut for the rest of the ride back to my house.
"See you tomorrow, Goh," he says when he drops me off, the lightness returned to his eyes. I can still feel his hand on top of mine.
"Yeah. See you tomorrow," I say back, forcing a smile. I close the door, and he drives off again, no doubt going back to see Gary. I wonder where he'll say he's been, because he sure as hell won't tell him where he really was. Sighing, I head back inside to spend the rest of my night alone.
- - - -
For the rest of the week, Ash shows up at my house almost every night, and every day he ignores me at school. There are no more incidents, which is at least something, but I can hardly focus when my thoughts are completely consumed by Ash, and he won't spend time with me at school. I don't even understand why he's spending so much time with me outside of school. He has a lot of friends. So why me?
Still, I try not to let our lack of interaction bother me at school, and enjoy hanging out with him after. Some days, we focus on school stuff. Others, we'll go out in his car, or sit on my sofa and watch a movie. Ash almost always falls asleep halfway through, but I let him. I open myself up to him, slowly getting more comfortable. After another week of the same, I already feel like I've been friends with him my whole life. I don't tell Chloe how much time I'm spending with him, but I think she suspects anyway, and chooses not to comment.
Until Friday. The winter dance is tomorrow, but neither of us have mentioned it, and I just assume we're not going, because we never go to school dances.
"Are you going to admit it now?" Chloe asks at lunch. I was watching Ash joking around with Dawn, and didn't realise I'd started staring.
I turn to her. "Hmm?"
"That you have feelings for Ash."
My defences go straight up. "Feelings?" I'm not sure I'd go that far. A crush, maybe, but feelings? No way.
"You've been spending a lot of time together, and every time you talk about him you get this look in your eye."
Embarrassed, I scoff and turn away. "No I don't."
"I've never seen you bond with someone so quickly, Goh. Not even me. I just want you to be careful. I don't want to see you get your heart broken again."
"It's not that deep," I say, but it comes out quiet and unsure. She's right. How much longer can I keep ignoring the fact that I think about him all the time, and I constantly wonder what he's doing when I'm not around him? How much longer can I ignore the fact that every time we're close together, all I can think about is how easy it would be to lean in and kiss him, to see what it would feel like, just once?
"I don't know what to say to you if you won't be honest with me," she says. The sudden severity of her tone makes me pause.
"What?"
"I mean, I was open with you about Dawn, even though it scared me shitless, and you're sitting there lying to me." She crosses her arms. Her quick temper catches me off guard, and I gawk at her like an idiot for a second.
"I- Okay, fine. Yes, I like him. Happy now?"
Her face softens again. "No. I don't like seeing you like this. And I don't like that Ash doesn't acknowledge you in public."
"It's really not that bad," I say, the urge to defend him strong, even though I agree with her. "I don't particularly want to be friends with the others anyway."
"Don't you think it's weird that they invited us out and stuff and then just stopped putting effort in? I mean, I know Ash hangs out with you a lot, but..."
"I see him almost every night," I admit, and her eyebrows shoot up.
"What about tonight?"
"What about it?"
"Are you seeing him?" She shoves one of her fries in her mouth, giving me an intense look. A sweat breaks out on my palms.
"No. I don't think so. Why? I don't like that look in your eye."
"I overheard Serena say they're going to a bar tonight. If Ash isn't going to be with you, he'll probably be there, and we're going."
I groan. "Really, Chlo? I don't want to embarrass him like that."
"How is being seen around you embarrassing?"
"I didn't mean it like that-"
"Please?" she says in a whiny tone. I drop my head into my hands. I don't really have a choice here, do I? Plus, I have to admit, I am eager to spend as much time around Ash as possible... How that happened, I'll never know.
"Fine. But if it's awkward as hell we're leaving."
"Done," she says, grinning. I'm glad she's pleased with herself, because I'm not pleased with her. When I glance back over, I meet Gary's eyes, and see he's glaring right over at us. Something weird's going on here, and I don't like it at all.
- - - -
The bar is busier than the last time we were here. There are two bouncers on the door, and I already want to run and hide, but Chloe insists they won't ID us, and she's right. Inside, I hear Drew laughing before I spot any of them in their usual spot, at the biggest table in the corner. Ash is sitting in the corner, his chin resting on his palm, looking bored. We make eye contact as I walk in, and he sits up, but his face doesn't change.
Chloe drags me to the bar. "What do you want?"
"Whatever you're having," I say without looking back at her. My eyes are locked with Ash's, and he doesn't break eye contact. Electricity seems to crackle in the air between us, and I swear I'm not imagining the tension. Then, a body steps in the way, blocking him, and I look up into Gary's eyes instead.
"Hey, Goh," he says. "I didn't know you came here."
"Sometimes," I say hesitantly.
"I thought you didn't go out in public unless it was for school," he says with a shrug. I tense up, the passive aggressive comment hitting me right in the chest. I clench my jaw in a futile attempt to hide that my feelings are hurt. I wish I wasn't so damn sensitive. Before I can come up with something to say, Chloe taps me on the arm and holds out a drink for me. The bartender is speaking to Gary when I turn back around, and I breathe out, relieved.
I haven't gotten away with it, though. Gary's picking up a shot of something and holding it out to me. "Here," he says. "You look like you need it."
I can't even tell what it is, and for a moment I consider turning it down, but that means he wins, so I take it from him with a sour smile and mutter thanks, then turn away from him. Whatever he has against me, it clearly hasn't gone away since his party. Chloe and I head towards Ash's table, but take the one beside it, a few feet away from any of them.
"What an ass," Chloe hisses, watching as Gary heads back over to the table with a tray of shots for everyone, soaking up the thanks he gets in return with a grin. I always thought Ash was their leader, but has it been Gary all along?
I throw back the shot, and wince at the taste. "I don't understand him."
"I do. He thinks he's the best thing to ever grace this earth," Chloe says bitterly. "He thinks he's amazing because he's slept with half the girls at school."
"Has he, though?" I ask, twisting my face. Does anyone really have enough time to sleep with that many people? "Or does he just say it?"
Chloe taps a finger against her chin. "Good point. He's probably full of shit."
"Goh, Chloe!"
I look up, only to see Misty approaching, her hair down for once, tucked behind her ears, wearing her usual shorts and crop top combo, and winged eyeliner. Behind her, Brock and Tracey are walking over, holding a bunch of drinks. "Hey, Misty," I say, surprisingly not annoyed to see her approaching. She takes the spare seat beside me. Brock and Tracey sit across from us, dumping the drinks down, and I greet them too.
"I saw you as I walked in so I bought you guys a drink," she says. Well, looks like I'm not staying sober, because two drinks is definitely enough when you never drink at all.
"Thanks," I say anyway, sipping the one Chloe bought me. It's vodka, and it tastes terrible, but the soda makes it bearable. Is Brock drinking wine? I'm not even going to ask.
"The music in this place sucks," Tracey says.
"They're enjoying it." Misty gestures to Dawn and May, who are now dancing on the dancefloor. When I glance over at their table, I catch Ash watching us, and he turns away.
"He looks like he'd rather be at this table," Brock comments, which earns him a scowl from Misty.
"Wave him over," Chloe says enthusiastically.
"No," Misty and I say at the same time.
"Why do you hate him?" Chloe asks Misty.
"I don't hate him. In fact, I like him. I always preferred him over Gary," she replies, watching them as Gary slings his arm around Ash's shoulder, saying something and laughing loudly. I wonder how she must feel, to have been their closest friend for years, only to be cast to the side and replaced. When Gary's arm pulls back, Ash looks over to me, once again. When we lock eyes, I swear it's like we're communicating across the empty space between us. He even gives me a secret smile. None of them even know that we're friends, I think, and it annoys me, so I turn away from him.
The thump thump thump of the music grows louder as the DJ turns up the music, and the lights dim. I glance at my phone, and realise it's hit ten. Dawn and May are still dancing among the sea of sweaty bodies. Chloe is watching them like she's dying to join in, and I want to say to her "go for it", but that would make me a hypocrite. I think back to our conversation from the other day, and how she told me she feels like she hasn't really lived. My heart clenches, and I take a long sip of the drink.
There's a tap on my shoulder. I turn to find Serena smiling at me, her face inches from mine, and the breath rushes out of my lungs. I've never spoken to her in my life, and here she is, holding out a shot glass to me. Is this even my life anymore?
"Gary said he got one too many," she says sweetly, holding it closer to me. I glance past her to Gary, who's sitting back in his seat, watching me. My stomach sinks. Is this some sort of test? I don't get it.
"Thanks," I say, forcing a smile at her, and taking the shot. I hold eye contact with Gary as I take it, fighting off the wince. He just smirks at me and turns away.
"What the fuck is going on with you two?" Brock shouts over the music, and I realise they all witnessed the whole thing.
"I don't know. I think Gary's invented some sort of problem with me."
Misty's shaking her head, sucking her vodka soda through her straw. "No," she says when she pulls away. "He's just very, very possessive of Ash."
I pause. What does that even mean? I open my mouth to quiz her, but before I can, she's standing up, saying she needs the bathroom, and Tracey and Brock shuffle out of the way to let her out. Chloe's face is contorted in a way that tells me she's just as confused as I am. When I think back to primary school, even when we were just little kids, Gary was the popular one. Only in high school did Ash overtake him, and steal his position. Maybe this is Gary's way of feeling like he's still number one, by controlling Ash? This whole thing is giving me a headache.
The next time I'm up at the bar, Gary buys me another shot. Then, half an hour later, another one. This time, I hesitate to take it. I'm already drunk from the three shots and three strong drinks I've had- the curse of being a lightweight. It's a bad idea, and I know it, but I do it anyway. When I get back to the table and sit down, almost falling backwards onto the floor, I realise what a mistake I just made.
"Holy shit," Misty says. "Goh's wasted."
"Nuh uh," I argue, but the room is spinning around me, and I'm starting to feel really, really nauseous. I've been avoiding looking at Ash, but it's like I can feel him watching me. I tip my head back and laugh.
"What are you laughing at?" Chloe asks from beside me.
"I need some air," I say, pushing up, putting my arm out to steady myself on the wall. Chloe starts to protest, but I hold my hand out. "Just five minutes. I promise."
Reluctantly, she lets me go, and I stumble through the bar into the smoking area out back, where a bunch of people are gathered. I feel the nip of the cold as I push through the doors and then it's gone, numbed by my drunkenness. I close my eyes tight shut and focus on my breathing. God, I'm such an idiot. Clearly, this was Gary's plan- to get me wasted, and watch me implode, or embarrass myself.
"Hey," I hear from beside me, and feel warm fingers on the skin of my arm. "Are you okay?"
I don't need to open my eyes to know it's Ash. "Do you care?" I ask.
"What?" I feel his hand withdraw and open my eyes. I don't recognise anyone around us, but then again, I'm not sure I would anyway. I'm too far gone for the faces to really come into focus.
"Nothing," I sigh, leaning back on the wall. "Ignore me. I'm wasted." I laugh, but there's no humour there, and Ash doesn't even smile.
"I'll take you home," he says. "I drove here so I haven't been drinking."
"I want to walk," I argue, my head pounding.
"Let me take you home," he pleads. I'm too drunk for him to be using that tone on me. I'll say something I'll regret heavily tomorrow. "I'd feel better if I knew you got home safe."
The door swings open beside us, and Serena comes out, followed by Drew, then Gary, then a girl I don't recognise. I want to curl up and die, and I see the same emotion mirrored on Ash's face.
"What're you doing out here?" Serena asks, coming up beside Ash, fluttering her long lashes at him. The nausea is really starting to take over now, and I deathly wish I was sober.
"Needed some air," Ash grumbles. The girl hanging on Gary's arm chuckles, and I realise, with horror, that she's laughing at me.
"Someone's had a good night," she teases, in an annoying, high-pitched mocking tone.
"Poor Goh," Gary says, smirking again. "Can't handle his drink. Probably because he doesn't get out enough."
The girl laughs again, the sound echoing through my head. My breathing is heavy now, and I turn to glare at Ash, waiting for him to say something. Do something, I think. Prove to me that you actually care. I can see the war behind his eyes. He opens his mouth, but then Misty is there, and I didn't even see her come out, but then again, I'm hardly even aware of anything.
"Get the fuck out of my way, Gary," she says, literally shoving him. "And fuck off, you little tart."
Serena claps a hand over her mouth, and the girl with Gary starts shouting back, but Misty ignores it all, coming up in front of me. "Come on, Goh," she says, taking my hand. "I'll walk you home with Chloe."
"No," Ash says. "I'm taking him home."
"Why, so you can make out with him in your car?" The random girl says, thinking she's being funny, but none of them laugh. In fact, Gary drops her arm and scowls at her. Humiliation is making my skin burn, and I push past all of them, heading through the door again. I hear Misty call after me, but I ignore her.
I make it outside and onto the next street before I'm stopped by Ash. He seems to be the only one that followed me this far out. Either that, or he made everyone else hold back. I don't even want to know which it is. I want to go home. I want to never come out of my bedroom again.
"I'm sorry, Goh," he says, reaching for me, but I pull my arm away in time.
"Go away, Ash." I take a step back. "You know, I find it so funny that Gary has you under his thumb. You're afraid of him."
He shakes his head. "You don't know anything-"
"I know that you're ashamed to speak to me at school. Are you afraid I'll ruin your reputation? Are you afraid your friends will laugh at you? You sneak over to my house every night but you can only wave to me in public? If you think you're too good for me, then why bother at all?"
I can see the panic in his eyes. Good. Let him panic. "You're wrong- It's not like that at all. I..." He trails off, then presses his palms into his eyes, groaning in frustration. There's no way he's actually losing his temper too, right? "Do you think it's a coincidence that you were asked to tutor me? Yes, I actually wanted it, but I also asked for it to be you."
What? My brain is spinning too wildly for me to make sense of what he's saying. That was before we'd even spoken- What is he saying?
"Maybe when you're sober I'll explain to you," he sighs. "But for now, will you please get in my car?"
I clench and unclench my jaw. We stare each other down on the silent, empty street, the streetlight overhead flickering. "Fine," I concede, crossing my arms. He exhales, like he's been holding his breath the whole time. Drunk and angry, I follow him wordlessly back to his car.