ishan didn’t want to lie to shubman.
but he knows shubman wouldn’t have let go of him if he were to be honest. understandably so, it was an impulsive decision to leave behind the game and everyone.
he closes his eyes, clenching his jaw as he recalls the phone call from last night.
“hey, ishan. i don’t want to be saying this on christmas but i thought you should hear it from me first,” vivan said.
“what’s this about?”
“i'm sorry, ishan, but the chances are slim. there’s no specific reason as to why. you know how they are.”
ishan took a deep breath. “okay.” he forced out a chuckle. “man, i really wanted to play this time.”
sympathy could be heard in vivan’s voice. “being in the squad is a great deal too.”
“you don’t have to patronize me, vivan. im not ashamed of being a substitute but i… mentally, it’s taken a toll on me, i think. it’s frustrating honestly. fuck.”
“it’s okay,” vivan sighed. “take care of yourself. ring me up if you want an appointment with your therapist.”
ishan thinks for a moment. “actually, i think im going to opt out.”
“what?” there was clear surprise in vivan’s voice. “are you sure?”
“yeah, i need a break. my mind is all over the place, i’ve been traveling with the team all year and still… well, i want to rejuvenate myself or whatever they call it.”
“you deserve a break. you’ll play the next series, right?”
ishan smiled faintly to himself. “if they let me.”
“ishan,” vivan tried to sound stern.
“okay, okay. i’ll play, stay benched, whatever they want. just let me off this once. i need my family right now.”
“i’ll tell them you’re opting out due to personal reasons, then?”
“sure. and book a flight for tomorrow morning.”
“on it. we have some good brand endorsement deals on our hands, come by when you can. goodbye.”
ishan’s father’s voice interrupts his thoughts.
“you’ve been sulking all day. go out and get some work done, kid.”
“dad, i’ll get mobbed.”
his father huffs. “the locals have seen you run around in your undies since you were five. they couldn't care less about your stardom.”
“ouch, you’re ruthless.”
“overthinking gets you nowhere,” his father says softly. “talk it out with someone, dil halka ho jayega.”
ishan fiddles with his thumbs. “are you psychic?”
“baap hoon tera, don't think you can ever fool me with your forced laughs.”
ishan shakes his head with a defeated smile. it’s good to be back.
the downside is that he misses shubman. and the guilt of hiding the truth from him doesn’t help.
he had been comforting himself with shubman's presence to divert himself from the exasperation building up on him. and to an extent, it worked. he knows it’s an… uncoventional way of stress relief to fuck around with your best friend. there are some limits that shouldn’t have been crossed. but what's done is done. not that shubman minded it, it’s all good.
he checks the texts flashing across his screen.
shubman: did u get home safely
shubman: are u ok
shubman: call me when ur free
shubman: please
ishan sighs to himself. he probably got the guy worried.
the problem is shubman couldn’t possibly understand what ishan is feeling at the moment. but he can't say that to his face, it’ll hurt shubman.
ishan checks the time, deciding to call him. he picks it up on the third ring.
“why haven’t you been replying to my texts? i had to check with the real-time flight data to assume you’ve landed.”
ishan chuckles. “i think i’ve travelled alone more than a few times now but i appreciate the concern.”
“well, you’ve never returned alone in the middle of a series.” shubman sighs.
ishan doesn’t say anything to that.
“so, what’s the emergency?” shubman asks.
ishan considers telling him the truth but chickens out at last. “im, uh, actually on the way to meet vivan. i’ll tell you once i know myself, alright?”
“wait-”
“oh, the signal’s green. i'll call you later, shubi. bye!” ishan ends the calls, falling down on his bed with a sigh.
okay, that confirms it. shubman was right, something is wrong, if the hesitation and hastiness in ishan’s voice is anything to go by.
since ishan won't be a sweetheart and spit it all out for him, he’ll have to do it his way. he calls ishan’s manager, the root of the situation.
“hello, mr. gill. can i be of any help?” the ever so poised voice comes through.
“what’s the reason for calling ishan back right in between an ongoing series?” he asks, not bothering to beat around the bush.
“i wouldn’t have that sort of power. it was his decision, sir.”
shubman frowns to himself. “what do you mean?”
“im afraid i can’t disclose his personal reasons to anyone.”
“vivan, im his best friend. this is as personal as it gets,” he says firmly.
“if you don’t tell me, im going to get out on a duck tomorrow. and im going to blame it on you. good luck with the PR then.”
there’s a momentary pause before vivan sighs. “you’re always so persistent. alright, ishan told me he wants a break, he's tired.”
“but he was so excited to play the test.” it doesn't make sense to shubman, it's too sudden.
“well, he wasn’t picked for the playing eleven anyway. he decided he’d rather spend the new year with his family.”
shubman's feels his heart sink at the news. “oh.”
“i don’t mean to pry but ishan wouldn't want you to compromise on your game thinking about him. good luck.”
shubman feels even worse after hearing it. it was not supposed to be like that. he wishes ishan’d have told him. or the captain, at least. that’s what the team is for.
for the very first time, he feels like ishan ran away from him.
the days pass by without ishan calling back to shubman.
they have been texting and ishan tried to reassure shubman that everything was alright. it was easy to avoid calling because shubman was busy with the test match too so he couldn't quite spam ishan.
shubman: u remember na
shubman: facetime before midnight
ishan feels terrible to be avoiding him like that. it’s the least he could do. he’s decided to tell shubman the truth once the team returns on fourth.
ishan: ofc meri jaan ;)
shubman: i miss uuuuuu
ishan: i dont
shubman: cap
ishan smiles to himself, keeping the phone aside. he paces around his room, agitation crawling up on him.
his body is demanding him to move, to run, to play, or anything. but he can’t. he feels so overstimulated that it’s physically bothering him. he needs to break the loop.
shubman has a problem.
“i’ve calculated, there’s no perfect time for both of us to celebrate the new year together,” he groans.
surya takes a bites of his cupcake. “oh no, someone obliterate the time zones because our shubman wants to do kissy kissy mwah mwah with the love of his life,” he says in a monotone voice.
shubman sighs. “you don’t understand my pain.”
surya stares at him. “sure, tell that to a man who’s away from his lovely wife to get stuck with your pining ass on new year’s eve.”
“ugh, i guess i’ll just text him once it’s midnight for us. i'll wake up early to facetime him.”
“genius,” surya mutters, frowning at the frosting on his cupcake. too sugary.
“i miss ishan,” siraj says, sitting down beside them with a plate full of glazy donuts.
hardik nods in agreement. “tell me about it. man, im not really feeling this party without him.”
“isn't that too much sugar for you?” surya asks siraj, pointing at the plate.
siraj grins. “imma stick them on shreyas’s seat.”
surya shoots him a thumbs-up.
“yo, let’s facetime ishan.” hardik says, suddenly.
shubman is confused between being excited and bummed. he wanted to be the first one to wish ishan. but the yearning to see his face after days fills him. he quickly runs his fingers through his hair, fixing his collar.
surya rolls his eyes at the sight. acting like they don’t wake up to each other’s beadheads everyday that could pass them for homeless people.
“what’s up, my boy?” hardik says, beaming at the phone.
shubman’s heart picks up faster. he stays away from the frame, preparing himself to face ishan. he feels like a teenager for god’s sake. the butterflies in his stomach making him feel tingly all over.
“dude, how sloshed are you? hold the camera right.” siraj laughs.
there are light giggles from the other side, followed by a soft thud. “whoops, hel- hello! ayyy, miya bhai! why’s harry, i mean hardik- i mean, hardik bhai…yeah. why is hardik bhai?”
hardik and siraj crack up with laughter. drunk ishan is always a sight. he finally gets the right camera angle, which makes them let out an “oooh” together.
surya goes in to take a look at the screen, his eyes widening a little. he glances at shubman who’s stepping towards the screen. he gets up at once, holding him back, which makes him frown in confusion.
“you fucker, you're not even missing us,” siraj exclaims.
“nooo,” ishan’s voice drawls. “i mish you sho mushhh. shubi, where's shubi? i mish him.”
shubman lights up on hearing his name. he shrugs away surya’s hand, getting past to finally see ishan. his ishan.
his smile drops immediately. ishan's hair is all disheveled, his shirt halfway unbuttoned to display the marks of red lipstick down his neck and chest, a few hickeys along the side.
something churns in shubman’s stomach and he feels a lump forming in his throat. he can't get a single word out of his mouth.
“bro, i think i saw a hand on your shoulder,” hardik says. “please don’t tell me you picked up in the middle of-”
ishan pouts. “but you called! hey, you wanna say hi to my friends? aw, shucks. she's- she's shy, guys.”
shubman can't hear anything apart from his own throbbing heart. he clenches his fists, feeling like breaking something.
surya looks sympathetically at him but doesn't try to comfort him as he knows it'll be useless.
so this is what it meant for ishan, huh?
all those sweet words, all those kisses, all those stolen touches, all those nights.
they were nothing special to him.
“shubi, oh my god, shubi! how- how are youuu? i mished you sho mush,” ishan says happily when he spots him.
shubman's heart breaks, shattering into pieces everytime ishan calls his name. he stands there expressionless and motionless.
he doesn’t know whom to be mad at. at ishan, for raising his hopes. or at himself, for believing them.
that's right.
ishan is not his. was never his.
“shubiii, why’re ya not talking to me? come back, i mish you,” ishan whines.
you must think im a fucking joke.
that my feelings are a joke.
you enjoyed it, didn't you?
“i never left you, ishan,” shubman says, barely above a whisper.
—x—
author’s note:
denial days are over. for shubman. hahahaha.
i think i haven’t explored ishan’s side of the story enough so i’ll try to shift to his emotional turmoils now.
ishan opting out of the series due to mental fatigue really happened recently btw as y’all might already know. man, fuck bcci ♡