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chapter forty-five: and now i have to act like i can't read your mind
tw (s) - sassy adam. (kinda rude tbh but he just got his heartbroken so i forgive him anyways)
- sexual themes !!
{a/n: listening to boygenius while writing. that says enough
puuhleassee don't be a silent reader!! commenting and voting are greatly appreciated. enjoy :)}
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ADAM HAD DECIDED TO make the drive back to Westbrook a day early for 'idiosyncratic' reasons. At least, that's what he tells his mother. Really, it's because he couldn't bare another day in the same house as her.
I basically poured my entire heart out and all I get is 'sorry' and an entire night of self-loathing.
Needless to say, Adam didn't wake up feeling the best that Friday morning.
He wasn't just upset — no — he was furious.
With himself... with Vera.
It wasn't fair.
He knew that, but the feelings were intractable.
The boy couldn't control them, which was very unusual because Adam grew up learning how to control his feelings so he wouldn't end up hurt, like he is right now.
Gracelyn's sitting on the kitchen countertop with a cold rag pressed to her forehead when Adam comes in for breakfast. She's leaning against the cabinet behind her, looking just as miserable as he's feeling.
It's not like he looks good either. With the dark eyebags, disheveled hair and lack of sleep evident his is gray-ish pale face.
His sister almost laughs when she sees him. "Did Uncle Theo give you some of his 'special juice,' as well?"
"No," The blonde replies impassively.
Not even a sign of cracking a small grin as he walks to the pantry and takes out a chocolste Bio X protein bar.
Gracelyn watches, concerned, as he unwraps the bar and takes a small bite. She peels the rag off of her forehead and fastens it to the edge of the sink. "So," she starts up again, sliding off the counter, "did someone run over you or something? You look horrible."
"No,"
His sister groans. It aggravates her headache, "C'mon, Ads, you're killing me here!"
"I'm fine, Gracie." his tone is still dry, "Even if there was something wrong it's not like it would be any your business."
The girl scoffs, folding her arms across her chest. "Did you shove a stick up your ass before you came down here or something?"
Adam shoots her a glare as he takes out a royal blue plastic cup he'd gotten at Disneyland a couple years ago for his birthday. Everyone knew it was his by the vinyl gold lettering of his name, which had somewhat been chipped off over the years. It's always been his favorite.
But right now, he feels like chucking it at his sister's head.
Although, his malicious thoughts were interrupted as Vera walks into the kitchen, greeting Gracelyn sweetly and sending a small smile towards him as she takes a seat on a barstool.
She folds her arms and rests them on top of the marble countertop, letting her eyes flicker between them. "What's up?" Her tone is soft and perky, just as it normally is.
Adam couldn't believe it. He narrows his eyes.
She's just going to sit there and act like nothing happened?
"Nothing much," Gracelyn replies, sounding a little irritated from the prior exchange she had with her not-so-little brother, "Adam's being a slight bitch, though. Do you have any clue as to why?"
The blonde pretends to be interested in taking a bite of his protein bar, honestly a little curious of what her reaction will be. He's expecting her visibly get anxious, all batty-eyed and fumbling over her words.
It's not like he wants her to suddenly behave like that. He'd probably feel even more terrible, but at least it would show that she still somewhat cares.
But, Vera remains composed, shrugging a shoulder as she rolls her tongue over her teeth. "Nope," she looks right at him with a phony, confused expression, "no idea."
The brunette grows regretful as she watches him swallow hard and flee from eye-contact.
She didn't mean to come off as rude or sardonic.
All she really wants is for him to move past it and go back to how things were before.
Vera thought the best way to do that was to dismiss everything that had happened last night and pray that he'd follow in pursuit.
That doesn't seem to be the case, though, as Adam quietly finishes off his bar and 'sets' his dirty cup in the sink. (He slams it.) His gaze averts to the floor as he passes both of the girls, teeth digging into the side of his cheek.
Gracelyn gives Vera a look.
Before the blonde leaves, he turns around, hand gasping onto the trim of the doorway beside him. "Be ready in ten, Sinclair. I want to be back on campus before lunch."
Vera's taken aback from the harsh usage of her last name. She looks back at him with a tilted head.
"I thought we were heading back tomorrow-"
"Yeah, well, plans change." He lets go of the doorway and walks towards the stairs, "Meet me outside with all your shit in ten."
"But-"
"Nine minutes, now." The boy warns, "I don't think your boyfriend would appreciate you showing up like that, so don't keep this up!"
(He chokes on the word because he knows she doesn't look bad at all. She's beautiful, and for some reason, it hurts.)
Boyfriend?
Does he mean Hayden?
Oh, hell no!
Vera doesn't even mind the fact that he commented on her appearance. (He's a sweet boy. She knew he would never mean such a cruel thing.) Though honestly, she figured she wasn't looking the best with her knotted hair that was thrown up into a tight bun, and unwashed face of melted makeup from the night before — but she definitely, somehow, looks better than him.
He was miserable and she knew why, so that's why she's cutting him some slack.
But bringing up Hayden? Out of nowhere?
There was no reason.
She doesn't reply with anything though, and turns back around with a small sigh.
Gracelyn, who'd witnessed this entire thing, had realized Vera was lying. She did know why her brother had a stick up his ass. She grabs a banana out of a ceramic fruit bowl and begins peeling it, shaking her head slightly.
"C'mon, girl, I was just starting to like you!" She says with a sense of guilt, meaning the words more seriously than they sound.
"I know, I know..." Vera replies with a perpetually tired voice. "But, how am I supposed to tell you that I'm the reason your brother's acting all big-headed?"
Gracelyn groans and squeezes her eyes shut. The heel of her palm is quickly pressed up to her temple, trying to relieve the pain wave that had just rocked through her head. "Good point,"
"Are you okay?"
With the piece of fruit still clutched in her hand, she holds up her index finger, "Hold on a sec — I might need to throw up."
Vera's brows furrow. "Oh-"
The blonde politely excuses herself.
But before reaching the kitchen's corridor, she looks back. "I'm going to make this quick since we're both in a rush," she folds her arms over her stomach to somewhat defer her heaving, "I don't know what happened, probably something bad 'cause I haven't seen him that closed-off since the freshman Varsity fiasco, but please remember that he's my little brother. He's been through the most in our family. I'd really appreciate if you would try and fix whatever went down between you because I'm so sick and tired seeing him in pain all the time."
The brunette's shoulders are slumped as she nods slowly.
Gracelyn, feeling a little guilty that she'd just laid that out all on her, sends the girl a warm smile.
"It was really nice meeting you, Vera,"
"It was nice meeting you too."
Then, Adam's sister remembers the combination of her Uncle Theo's 'special juice' and unknown number of a variety of drinks she'd ingested the night before, brewing in her stomach, and runs out of the kitchen towards the bathroom.
Vera remains glued to the barstool, eyes still staring in the direction where Gracelyn was just standing.
She lets her words linger in her mind as she switches her gaze to her torn-up cuticles. She finds herself picking at them, the culpable realization that she did indeed hurt Adam weighing on her heart.
Wow, I'm a bitch.
The girl sighs upon looking at the digital stove clock. Only seven minutes left.
Vera retreats to the upstairs living area, expecting to hurry and shove everything into bags, figuring she'll be able to sort through them once she gets back to Westbrook. Though when she arrives, all of her belongings are neatly stacked away in a far corner, and her air-mattress was deflated and folded up.
Even when he's pissed, Adam Banks still makes an effort to accommodate.
He knew the amount of time he'd given her was unfair. The least he could do was help out a little.
Unbeknownst to the girl, a small grin pulls on her lips as the pieces click in her mind.
She throws the strap of her large backpack over her shoulder, which had seemed to grow heavier from the amount of goodies Edith Banks had gifted her. Adam was unable to stow away her makeup bag from the lack of room, so it was resting on top of her pillow. She picks up both items, and makes her way to the stairs.
As she's about to descend, Adam appears at the foot of the steps, his frustrated and longing eyes catch hers. Without a word, he walks up them, Vera's heart beating faster as he came closer.
Finally, "Give me your bag,"
"Huh?"
"Your bag, Vera. It's heavy and these stairs are narrow. I don't want you to trip and fall."
And though he was offering a kind gesture, no one would ever know from the way his tone sounds; irritated and defensive. He's towering over her with lowered eyebrows and eyes squinted ever-so-slightly. His lips are pressed into a thin line as he motions to her bag again.
But, she doesn't move.
She can't. She's intimidated.
I feel so small right now.
Lamentably, Adam reads this as another form of rejection as she seemingly stands tall. His eyes dart towards the ground as he swallows.
"Fine," he mumbles, looking up at her, "suit yourself."
Vera watches as he walks back down, his shoulders dropping as he reaches the end and disappears into the next room, not bothering to spare another glance.
She finally lets out a shaky breath once he's out of her view, and shivers a bit, trying to get rid of that crawly feeling that had creeped up her body.
Warren, who was in the midst of packing up himself, walks out upon hearing the quiet commotion. He sees the girl standing there with all her baggage, staring blankly in front of her and senses the tension in the air.
Without a moments hesitation, he steps out and offers his help.
"Need a hand?" He asks, voice empathetic.
He wasn't wearing a shirt.
Holy abs-
Were the Banks' boys hand carved by an angel, or something?
She manages a stealthy peak before nodding, graciously smiling up at him. "Yeah, actually, that would be nice."
He gently takes the heavy bag from her once it's off her shoulder. Together, they silently make their way down the stairs and stop to slip on their shoes. Warren opens the door for her, and they walk out towards Adam's car.
Vera attempts to open the passenger door, but it's locked.
"Damn," Warren chuckles, "I was really hoping I'd be able to get back inside before my pecs freeze off."
She dismisses the frat-like comment with a slight eye roll. "Y'know, I can hold my own bag now, right? You should go back in."
"And leave you out here all by yourself in this weather for God-knows how long because that airhead is a slow poke?" The older boy sneers, leaning the side of his body against the car, "No way."
The brunette hugs her pillow closer to her chest. "But, you're shirtless," she points out sheepishly with a flick of her index finger, "Really, I'm fine. Go inside before you get sick."
In the midst of their friendly little argument, Adam had walked out the front door carrying his duffle bag, and if he wasn't pissed enough already, seeing his older brother shirtless and essentially flirting with his girl, sent him down a whole new spiral.
(Warren wasn't flirting, it's just how he naturally is when he's being nice. Deep down, Adam knew that. The shirt missing just happened to be an unfortunate coincidence.)
Infuriated, the blonde fumbles with his keys for a moment before finally unlocking the car.
"Looks like you're going to get your way, V."
Adam bites the insides of his cheeks to keep himself from responding with something he'll end up regretting within the second it leaves his mouth.
He instead stays quiet, eyes focused on the pathway in front of him so he doesn't slip.
Warren helps stow away the brunette's belongings in the back seat of his little brother's car. He gives her a small side-hug, rubbing her shoulder just a bit.
"You're coming for Christmas too, right?" He asks, looking hopeful. (He still has no idea what went down, and had assumed Adam was just being a dick to her this morning.)
"I mean, my mom will probably want to spend it with our family in Arizona, so," She looks at Adam, "maybe."
The boy clears his throat, "We should really get going," his eyes flicker between his brother and Vera, jealousy building up as he feels they're too close for comfort.
"Guy and I have plans at two."
Narrowing his eyes, Warren presses his lips into a tight line and tilts his head slightly, looking at him as if he's trying to say, 'What's up with you?'
Vera gives one last tight-lipped grin at the older boy before getting into the car.
THE SOFT LYRICS of Linger by The Cranberries plays mutedly out of the radio speakers. No words have yet been exchanged since their fifteen minutes on the road, and Adam's hoping it'll stay that way for the rest of the ride.
Although, Vera doesn't seem to agree.
She was afraid this was going to happen. It was what she was trying to avoid the night before — the painful silence and agony. But to her surprise, it happened anyways.
The outcome was the same.
So maybe, it wouldn't have hurt if she'd just heard Adam out and listened to his side.
From the quiet sniffles coming from his room at around midnight, Vera didn't catch a wink as she stared up at the ceiling listening to him, thinking of what could've happened if she'd just let him talk.
But, those were yesterday's thoughts.
Today is a new day, and Vera thinks that it's best if she goes back to dismissing everything completely, acting like nothing ever happened in hopes that he'll fall back into the routine as well.
And that they'll be okay again.
"So," she starts off, voice a little quieter than she'd meant it to come out, "The semester is done in like — two and a half months..."
Adam doesn't say anything but the words keep pouring out out of her.
"We'll probably not be seeing much of each other once January is over, y'know, since we're going back to school? At least you're staying in Minnesota. I really don't want to have to go back home. I wish I could've afforded the whole year here. But, I'm still waiting to be accepted into this woman's hockey league over here so there's a chance I would be back by next fall!"
Vera wonders if he can tell how guilty she feels just by trying to make a normal conversation.
It feels so wrong -- fake, even.
The unspoken tension is too strong.
Adam remains loyal in paying her no attention, not even a batted eye in her direction.
However, he soon finds this task to be difficult as she spends the next few minutes rambling about the most random things, and he realizes she caught onto what he was trying to do.
If it was anybody else, this would've annoyed Adam to an extent.
But this was Vera. He wanted to listen to everything.
He wanted so bad to smile when she'd brought up the time she had this bizzare phobia of the Kool-Aid Man when she was eleven, noting she had a dream about him kidnapping her.
He managed to hold in a squished expression as she explained, in full detail, some of the disturbing things she's encountered as a part-time intern at Mayo Clinic Square.
But, what really almost wrecked him was when she brought up the time she'd met Wayne Gretzky at a winter conference in Canada. He wanted to ask all sorts of questions, and maybe even tell her the time he signed those beloved hockey skates (the ones she'd fixed) at his time in the Goodwill Games.
The blonde was determined to stay strong by draining all his focus on the road in front of him, allowing him to fall into a trance where he thought about everything -- but her.
Vera's had enough by the time he's about to take the final exit that takes them all the way back to the campus.
She knew is she didn't act on anything now that they'd go their separate ways and probably never speak to each other again.
So, she lets out a loud scoff. "Fine!" she states loudly and Adam almost jumps out of his seat.
The brunette turns the whole top-half of her body towards him, letting her eyes burn deep into his skull until he finally breaks away and spares her a glance.
"If you want to talk, let's fucking talk!"
For the first time in forty-five minutes, the boy finally has a reaction to her. His eyebrows pinch together, "What?" and he casts a second look her way.
"Yeah," Vera grabs onto the armrests, knuckles turning white as she physically cannot handle the amount of frustration that has finally dawned upon her. "You wanted to talk last night and I didn't let you, but now I am! So, go ahead! Pull over and let's talk!"
"What is this about-"
"Pull over, Adam."
He quickly merges off the highway and enters a rural road. Once a safe distance from the busyness, he turns the engine off and sits there, his fingers not having left the keys yet.
Slowly, her turns his head towards her, but his eyes are lowered. "So-"
"Actually, no, let me go first."
As the fire in her eyes slowly goes out, Adam relaxes a little in his seat and fidgets with a silver band on his index finger.
Her lips part slightly but no words come out. There's a small second where she chuckles to herself and shakes her head. "I'm just going to preface this with saying you didn't deserve what I threw at you last night. It was completely selfish and unfair to you and I was honestly just thinking about myself."
Adam nods as she pauses.
"I really like you, Adam, and I don't want you to think that I don't. It's just -- I've spent so much of my life guarding my heart so I wouldn't get hurt and I honestly did it so well that some would probably think I didn't have one at all. But when I met you, everything changed and it was fucking terrifying. You respected me. You let me be vulnerable. You made me laugh. You were literally amazing, Adam Banks, and I was scared shitless!"
She didn't even notice how harsh her voice was cracking, yet no tears has descended down her face. Adam listens to every single word, savoring the meaning behind each and every one of them.
"That's why I was so upset when I saw you and Cher -- and we weren't even together! You had the freedom to do anything you wanted, but it still felt like a knife to my gut! I'd spent that entire party looking for you with two beers which were warm when I found you, and just the realization that I'd done that made me so disappointed in myself! I realized that I wanted to be with you, wanted to care for you, I wanted to be yours!"
Vera's mouth grows very dry as she quickly spits out those words. She coughs.
Adam reaches behind his seat and pulls out a water bottle he had filled up at his house. "Here, drink,"
She nods and leans over, taking a long sip. Her eyes meet his reassuring ones and for the first time since yesterday, his lips curl up slightly.
"Take your time."
The brunette clears her throat. She feels stingy tears forming and attempts to blink them away as she continues.
"When we were on the porch that night, I immediately knew you were telling the truth." Her voice is a lot quieter, calmer now as she admits, "From the start, I believed you, but I really didn't want to. I had let my guard down and had gotten hurt, but I didn't want it to be my fault so I blamed you -- for everything. I forced myself to think this was all your doing and I had no part in it, which was not true. I wanted to leave it broken and hopefully forgotten about, but the feelings just became to unbearable that the best possible way for me to stay sane was for me to be angry at you. I'm the one who turned it into this big mess, and for that, I am so fucking sorry."
The entire car is silent, then.
Vera is looking down at her hands, more focusing on not letting any tears fall while Adam stares at her with nothing other than admiration and slight shock.
Rubbing his lips together, the blonde hesitantly reaches out and lifts her chin with a few fingers. She shakes it away, looking to the windshield side.
Determined to not leave it at this, Adam tries again and makes her look at him.
He, too, swallows a sour lump in his throat as his eyes dart between hers.
"I'm sorry, too." His tone is soft, sweet. Just as it normally is.
A sigh of yearning releases past her swelled lips as she melts into his hand, which has slipped past her jaw and was now cupping her cheek.
In the midst of staring longingly at each other, something in their minds clicked and they were suddenly thinking the same thing. Another moment passes before they practically leap at each other, lips meeting in such a messy, craving way.
She kisses him very hard, pushing him back as she leans into him. Her leg goes over the center console and wraps over his, and she settles her way into his lap. His fingers dig into her hips, one of them climbing up the back of her shirt, then wrapping around and sliding over her ribs.
Her mouth, coupled with the way her hands are cradling his face, is all too much. So much. Good much. So good that a small whimper escapes his lips, followed by a satisfied sigh. As soon as the sound leaves his mouth, Vera is suddenly more needy.
She breaks away and it feels like eternity to the boy as she peels off her navy New York Rangers crewneck off of her body, leaving her in a dusty pink embroidered bra. Adam wastes no time letting her hands roam everywhere, his fingers running over the grooves and pouting of her purple veins.
It's not long before his fleece jacket and t-shirt has been ripped from his body as well. In fact, almost all articles of clothing have been shed and they're left in their undergarments.
Adam's lips are fluttering down her jaw, pressing light kisses against her sensitive skin. Her head falls to the side slowly as sounds of pleasure breathes out from her.
"Oh, Adam,"
Her manicured hand travels south on his chest, gently grasping at his muscles now and then. As her fingers reach the waistband of her boxers, she stops, whispering almost incoherently, "Do you have one?"
"Mhmmm?" The blonde's lips are still on a search to find her pulse point at the nape of her neck.
He seems to have found it because she lets out a quiet gasp. "A condom," she elaborates, nibbling gently on her bottom lip.
"Shit," she groans uncomfortably as he pulls away, missing the warmth of his soft lips. He looks at her, "No, I don't think I do."
"Damnit."
The mood had quickly deescalated after that. Vera returns to her seat, suddenly feeling very cold as Adam had turned off the car almost ten minutes ago and they were in a Minnesota winter.
Noticing this, Adam helps her find her clothing before putting on his. He lends her his jacket just so she has an extra layer, and starts the car up again.
"It's okay," he mumbles after a second, sensing her disappointment, "I'd kinda prefer if our first time wasn't in my car."
Vera looks at him with a smile, then giggles a bit. "Yeah, what if my ass hit the horn?"
Adam chuckles along too.
As he does a U-turn back onto the main highway, his hand slowly makes its way over the console and rests on her knee.
Her heart tickles and a redness overtakes her face. She takes his hand in hers and plays around with his fingers.
(And later, when she's grabbing lunch with Julie, she'll think back on this moment with a big grin on her lips, thinking about how much she loves the idea of talking.)
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mari speaks!!
ok, wow
i actually hate this chapter like idk it's so fast-paced and didn't make sense most of the time and bleh. but, i did promise you guys that they'd make up fast soooooo...
also, some of you guys probably caught this already, but i made a spotify account dedicated for my wp playlists. (i never thought i would ever do this but a full day in bed sick makes you go crazy) the user is bqnksy and pfp is gracie abrams holding a stuffed egg, but if you can't find it, scroll up to the playlist chapter of this book and you'll see a scan code!
the playlists for my new adam banks fic 'your little astronaut' is also up and running on there! so if you'd like to get an idea of how the characters are going to be portrayed, i suggest checking out their soundtracks :)
thank you all for reading! I hope wherever you are, that you all have a blessed day or night commenting and voting are greatly appreciated! they boost my motivation sm
also, oh my gosh, little story time.
as i was working on this last night, i was streaming songs onto my tv and 'murder on the dancefloor' by sophie-ellis bextor came on right, but, i kid you not, this song played for 2 hours straight on repeat. i tried unplugging my tv after like the fifth time and it just kept on going. it irritated me sm that i left my room for a hot second and it was still playing when i came back. all i had to do to fix it was RESET MY SFUPID PHONE! THATS IT! I COULD'VE SAVED MYSELF ALMOST TWO HOURS AND UR TELKINF ME ALL I HAD TO DO WAS RESET MY DAMN PHONE!?!?
it was literally blaring from 12-2am. my remote also died so i couldn't turn it down
so, fun fact, that's why i made adam more annoyed then i originally wanted him to be in the beginning. i was really just reflecting my own irritation onto the screen
my keyboard has dents from how hard i jammed my fingers into them lol
ok, that's it. bye !
not edited**
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