Noelle.
"We pray for you everyday sweetheart. You're on the prayer list every Sunday, we've been praying for you to come home and just let us know that you're okay. That you're alive" My grandma sobbed into my shoulder, causing me to shed a few tears at her words.
Growing up, I spent the most time with my grandparents out of my siblings, I was always at church with them, always at their house, taking them places they needed to go when they needed it as I grew up. My bond with them has always been unbreakable, and if I'm honest, leaving them behind hurt worse than leaving my parents, siblings, and friends.
My first three months in San Francisco were the most depressing times of my life. I was alone, pregnant, and 12 hours away from anything and everything that I'd ever known. Honestly, leaving them hurt, but knowing that I was having a child out of wedlock and imagining the reaction of my grandparents was what was eating me alive the most when I left.
My grandparents were very traditional Christians. Not the Bible thumping type, but the type to abide by the laws of the great book, nothing more, nothing less. I cringed at the thought of them knowing that I was having sex before marriage, let alone having a baby with a man who I'd met two hours before sleeping with.
When I was alone, depressed, having pregnancy sickness out the ass, I was laying in my bedroom one night, staring up at my ceiling, a hand rubbing my growing belly, when I heard a voice, so soft, so gentle, speak the words in my ear as a whisper, "Romans eight eighteen." The voice remained still and calm but repetitive. "Romans eight eighteen."
Me, being oblivious to the voice that I was hearing, that came from the Holy Spirit himself, remained. Slightly irritated at the fact that I couldn't get the scripture out of my head, I googled it. I'd always been the type of girl who loved dwelling in the house of the Lord, whether I was in Children's Church, singing in the children's choir, or sitting next to my grandma, drawing while listening to the pastor preach and the congregation agree and shout 'Amen,' my grandma sneakily handing me candy every 10 minutes.
It was one of the few places where I found peace away from my home and what always felt like abandonment yet so much responsibility and scrutiny at such a young age. Shielding Ayva's ears from the drunk arguments of my parents, Keith dealing with so much anger and just wanting to be alone was no help to us at the time. It had gotten to the point where I'd made up a game where we'd turn the tv volume up to its maximum and see who could guess what the other was saying to each other correctly, kinda like the whisper challenge, just to keep Ayva from being able to hear our parents going at it.
"For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us." (Romans 8:18, KJV) I whispered to myself, laying on my side, my phone close to my face as my heart swelled at the scripture. An overwhelming sense of compassion crippled me as I felt encamped in warmth and moved to tears. I sobbed to myself that night, remembering something that my Grandpa always told me, "He may never show up when you want Him to, but I promise you, He'll always be on time"
I never had my own relationship with God or knew Him for myself until after that night. Feeling His presence in my bedroom with me that night changed my life for the better in so many aspects. After eventually crying myself to sleep, I fell into a deep sleep that felt like it lasted for days.
The next morning, I felt an urge to pray when I woke up, just to talk to God as if He was standing next to me, and that's what I did. Ever since then, my life has completely changed. It's been over 4 years and I can't recall ever feeling depressed since then.
"He heard our prayers..." my grandpa spoke, moved to tears himself. He wrapped me in a hug, caressing the back of my head, placing kisses on the top of my head as my arms laced around him in a back breaking hug. When we released from the hug, Leilani was sitting on my grandma's lap, "You are such a beautiful little lady" Grams spoke, causing Lani's cheeks to flush a soft pink color, "Thank you" she replied as she stared at my grandma then wrapped her in a surprise hug.
Bringing Leilani to meet my family has been a crippling weight on my shoulders, not knowing how neither her nor my family would react, but the way she looks at them, as if she's known them all her whole life. As if she'd met them a million times and they're her favorite people on earth, that was by far my favorite part. She looked at them as if she knew she had their same blood pumping through her veins. There wasn't an inch of her face nor body language that showed me that she felt unaccepted nor uncomfortable, it was the complete opposite of that.
Ayva grinned at Leilani and how she wrapped our grandma in a hug. "Do you know who I am?" My grandpa asked her, sitting on the couch next to my Grams, a hand rested on her thigh to lean in and talk to Nani. Nani nodded her head and caressed my Papa's white beard, "You're papa Deion" she replied. "And you're Grams. Grandma Silva. Mommy shows me pictures of you guys all the time, there's pictures of everyone around the house" she added, earning me a shoulder rub from my younger sister.
I wrapped an arm around her waist as she wrapped one of hers around mine and instinctively laid her head on my shoulder and I laid my head on top of hers. While I do think that talking to my parents will be one of the hardest parts, talking to Ayva will definitely trigger the most tears for me.
After I left, God revealed a lot to me about my sister and our relationship, how she views me, and how I hurt her in a lot of ways, though it wasn't intentional. This journey with God can be hard, but it's so rewarding. Hearing His voice for what it is and being obedient is one of the harder things for me personally. Having to set my pride aside and listen when He speaks, even when it's not what I want to hear, no one ever told me how hard that part was.
If there's one thing I learned, it's that there's always three perspectives to everything: Yours, the other person's, and God's. And while you may not have seen the wrong that you did, intentionally or unintentionally, or someone else may not see their wrong, God is the watcher of all. He hears all, and He knows all, and He's the perfect mediator between two people who see things for what they are in two completely different ways. He sees things in a neutral way because He loves both parties equally.
I was able to gather from God that she does feel a bit of bitterness, and He revealed to me why. I was all she'd ever known, and she craved a relationship with me. A friendship. I was always so tired, just wanting my own space simply because that's the kinda person I've always been, especially considering that being around my parents or even in their vicinity caused me so much internal turmoil.
Their energy was so draining and simply being in the same room as them made me feel claustrophobic. It was as if the entire time I was with them, they were silently judging me, just sitting back thinking of another thing to complain about that I wasn't doing correctly or could be doing better. From house chores down to schoolwork.
I never got a break to just be Noelle. And when I finally did, was finally old enough to hang out with people I could truly be myself around, Ayva had to come with me and I felt as though it was unfair. Not because I didn't love my sister, but because I wanted a break from putting on such a facade cause now I wasn't able to be Noelle. I had to be the Noelle that my little sister knew.
It was so exhausting having to be so many different versions of myself that pleased everyone but me. When I was with my friends I got to be just Noelle. Not the Noelle that my siblings knew, the Noelle that my parents knew, or even the Noelle that my grandparents knew. Just Noelle. Care free Noelle.
When I'd turned 17, I finally snapped. I started sneaking out, talking to boys, going to parties, and got drunk for the first time in my life. I'll never forget the night I had my first taste of alcohol, it was disgusting but I wanted to feel how my parents felt. I wanted to feel what felt so amazing about being drunk. Indulge in what my parents were choosing over their own children. I got so drunk that night that Aria and Emani had to help me sneak back into my bedroom window. I still have the scar on my upper thigh from scratching myself on metal that held my screen to my window together that was poking out from me kicking it out to leave.
"You wanna go for a walk?" I whispered, my head still laid on my little sister's. She nodded her head, never lifting it from my shoulder. I looked around the living room, my grandma, mother, and dad sitting on the floor having a tea party with Lani, Aria sitting next to my papa talking to him, Keith sitting in my grandma's favorite rocking chair. I locked eyes with him and nodded my head towards the door, signaling I was gonna go outside and he nodded back.
It was a silent interaction, but I feel in my heart that he knew what I was about to do as I held my little sisters hand and quietly went out the front door, my little sister in tow. We walked down the sidewalk of the neighborhood that I loved more than life itself. All the memories, the sight of it all so nostalgic, even the air smelled the same and hugged a specific spot on my heart.
The first few minutes of our walk was silent, just enjoying each other's presence, soaking it all in, neither of us knowing exactly what was to come next out of my visit. "Remember when we use to jump rope out here with the kids that lived down the street from Grams and papa?" Ayva reminisced, a small smile lifting her lips. "Yeah, that was that summer that papa took his clothes line down from out back and made Grams teach us how to double Dutch. We were out here for hours that day, Aria had come over with us too" a smile now lifting my own lips at the memory.
"We were so convinced that Grams was gonna break a hip out there, her old ass was always so energetic" she chuckled, causing me to let out a full belly laugh. "She was a pro at that shit. It took me at least 20 tries to go longer than 10 seconds without stepping on the damn rope" I feigned frustration as Ayva laughed.
"Aria prissy ass was too scared the rope would leave a whip on her that she was so content with just spinnin the rope." She laughed. "I was gonna give up on my third try cause I kept stepping on the rope, but you didn't let me. You made me keep going until I got it, and I ended up lasting longer than you" she smiled, causing me to smile.
The comfortable silence fell upon us again before she sniffled, I turned my head to look at her, still strolling down the street, no destination in mind. I let her get her tears out and I figured I would let her talk when she was ready, I can't imagine how emotional all of this would be to her. Ayva was like my child, and I left her to deal with my parents by herself, knowing Keith was dealing with his own anger issues and wanting nothing to do with my parents at the time.
"Did you leave 'cause of me?" She asked, her voice soft. I walked silently still, trying to figure out how to say yes and no at the same time. I shook my head, a soft sigh escaping while doing so, "Not necessarily" I uttered. Silence. "Remember that time period where I was spending weeks at Grams and Papa's before I left?" I pondered. She looked up at me, a single tear leaving her glossy eyes, still keeping a slow stride with me as she nodded her head gently.
"I was staying with Aria. She'd gotten a place and there were two bedrooms. I paid half the rent while working that paid internship downtown. I wasn't living a life that I'm proud of, now that I'm finally speaking to you about it..." I confided. "I'm not 17 anymore, Noelle, you can tell me" Ayva warned, wiping the stray tear from her eye.
I nodded my head in agreeance, though she didn't see it cause she was watching as she twiddled her fingers looking down at them. "I was going out, partying, dancing, drinking, and sleeping around." I admitted, looking down at my sister, ready to meet her judging gaze. I'd never admitted out loud to anyone the things that I was doing. I got a taste of freedom and didn't know how to manage it properly.
Ayva nodded her head, signaling that she was keeping up. "I had a one night stand back in February of that year, and less than a month or so later I found out I was pregnant with Leilani" I finished. We fell silent, instinctively turning a corner, coming near to a park that my Papa would always take us to as children.
Silence.
"I appreciate you filling me in, but that don't answer my question. Were you tired of taking care of me?" She queried, looking up at me again, her eyes now back to regular, a red tint to them from crying minutes before. "It wasn't just you that I was tired of taking care of, it was mamma and daddy too. I was just tired of taking care of other people and never myself, I was tired in general. I had little to no freedom, no time to do my own thing and truly be myself. I always had on such a facade when I was with anyone that wasn't Aria" I confessed.
We headed to the park, sitting down at a bench. "Facade? You were the strongest person that I knew. You were always so nurturing, so attentive to me and my wants and needs. You put everyone before you, that's hard to fake, Noelle."
"It was because I felt like I had to. There was no one else who would have done those things for you in that house if it weren't me. Mamma and Daddy's drinking was out of hand. They chose alcohol over us more times than I can count on your hands and mine. I had to put on a brave face and I had to do those things because if I didn't, that would have just been another thing that I got scolded for. When I was with Aria, I didn't have to be the perfect daughter. The strong older sister, the only one that could calm down Keith when he had his fits of rage. I didn't have to be the church kid, the perfect student, the babysitter. I got to just be me. I got to forget about my family issues and deal with them on my own terms. So yes, Ayva, I really hate to ruin whatever imagine you've had of me your whole life, but it was all a facade." I acknowledged, finally being able to fully explain to her how I truly felt around my family. I'd never even told Keith or my grandparents this.
I was willing to tell her whatever I needed to, to relieve any residual bitterness that she may be feeling towards me and even apologize if she felt like I left her out in the cold when I'd finally had enough of taking care of everyone else but myself. Everyone needed something from me, and Aria just wanted to be around me cause she chose to, not cause she needed anything. Not cause I calmed her down, babysat for her, or took care of her every need.
Ayva was silent, as if she was soaking everything in. "Getting pregnant with Lani was the icing on the cake. I was embarrassed, Ayva. I had all eyes on me at all times in that household. It was such a toxic place for me that every time I would even pull up in front of the house, it was like I was preparing to hold my breath. Like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. You were just a small factor in me making the decision to leave, but it was all for Leilani. I'd made the conscious decision that I would rather be six feet under than to allow my child to endure the life that I did while living in Seattle, and I still stand on that."
By now, I had my own set of tears rolling down my cheeks, the wind blowing through my curls. "I love you, and I'm so sorry if you felt like I left when you needed me the most. You weren't the cause of me leaving, Ayva. The situation at had was the reason why I left. All the pressure that I had on me. My reckless decisions. My own embarrassment. I had a one night stand with a guy that I'd met an hour prior to me sleeping with him and got pregnant. I made a wrong decision due to my own insecurities and am responsible for a whole other life because of it. That was the greatest mistake that I ever made, and I didn't want you to do the same thing, Ayva. I left to protect you and Leilani for completely different reasons. Because I love you, and I've always and will always only want the best for you, and I mean that" I choked out through my own tears.
It took no time for my sister to wrap me in a hug, her hand running up and down my back. Silence. The embrace was everything that I needed and told me everything that I needed to know. "But you cannot grow if you are bitter" a soft still voice rang in the back of my head. My grip on my sister tightened as I melted into the hug, tears on my face, nose running, a small smile on my lips, but understanding that my sister's hardened heart was softening towards me.
"I'm sorry I was selfish. I understand now" she whispered, her head laid on my shoulder. Seconds later, we broke apart, looking at each other, her makeup running, both of our eyes puffy as we both broke out in laughter, "I think I snotted on you" Ayva giggled, "It's okay, I snotted on you too" I giggled back as I dug in my pocket for tissue and we both cleaned our faces up. We stood up, hand in hand, heading back to our safe spot at our grandparents house.
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AN: WHEW this chapter was longgg LMAOO, my bad yall. The more I write, the more obsessed I become w these characters. Idk if y'all can tell or not but this is a Christian romance, but not ya typical one. I feel like a lot of Christian's downplay the struggle of what it's like to have a relationship with Jesus, so I'm here to shed light in the best way that I can. I don't wanna get a big head but I feel like I've been blessed w the gift of writing, so I want to use it in the best way possible and Glorify God as much as I can now, it's only up from here. I understand if some of you may lose interest in my writing now, it's still gon be all love. I will also now start taking prayer requests on my conversations board if anyone needs it! I've been graced with the gift of intercessory, theres no need to go into detail, just take your mustard seed of faith, and let God handle the rest through me if need be. I love you guys so much, I'm so glad my numbers are going up, all love, fr🙌🏾🩷