-''Senti, stop that''
You could still feel the delicate touch of her fingers on your shoulder, and you could still hear those words that linger in your mind despite the scenario you may be in. Not even the sound of the water dancing around your body or the feeling of warmth that wrapped itself around your every limb could save you from thinking about that every single time. It was as if she could just find a spot inside of your mind and just decide to live rent free inside of it. To never, ever, leave.
As you reminisced, hugging your own legs as you forgot you were even a sentient being for a moment, your eyes laid upon a phone just besides the bathtub. That black phone with those twee golden motifs, just sitting against the wall. You took it into your hand carefully not to leave it reach the water. How many times, you wondered, How many times had you used this to call her on nights like these? Maybe you always truly were a bother to her after all. Yet, somehow, it brought a soft smile to your lips. It reminded you that no matter how many times you would call her at night time with no warning, she would always answer. She would always put up with you because she didn't hate you.
In fact, that woman probably couldn't hate. She was that kind of person, the kind of person who cherished every single creature as if they were children of her own light. Perhaps, she was too, the only one who could keep you down to earth with what was right and what was wrong. There were so many things she changed your mindset on, and so many things she helped you through.
She was just a light. Like a radiant fenghuang rising with the sun to sing its lovely carols to the ones below, gracing them with hope and glee. She was the only one who could do something like that, and she deserved so much better. So much better than anything this world could offer to anyone.
Perhaps this was the kind of moment in which you missed the warmth of her arms, and the gentle manner in which she delivered her words. It didn't matter now, did it? You placed the antiquate phone down back in its place and leaned back.
There was no point in dwelling on things that didn't matter any longer, right? So, you did just that. Try your best to ignore those constant thoughts in your mind. You allowed your mouth to get buried on the warm water and just left your eyes get fixated on the sway of your long blue hair on top of the surface of the water, seeming almost as if it was impossible for them belong. It was easy for your mind to just get lost, especially at moments like these. This is precisely why you hated moments of tranquility and peace.
Out of boredom alone, you decided to get out of the water earlier than you would any other night. Wrapping a white towel around your body, you walked from the bathroom to your room between all the chaos that had been made by your lack of will to actually clean properly. It was almost natural to you, and yet you knew that if she were to see any of that, she would probably explode right at the entrance. It was a funny thought, but one that you had to shut down.
It was difficult to keep yourself from thinking about her after being with her for so long. It was sickening, and you were tired of it. Fighting against your thoughts at this point was almost as if promising yourself you would leave an unhealty habit, but every single time you were put in front of that unhealty habit, you would do it time and time again all over again with almost not control of yourself, until you realized what you were doing and then promised yourself the exact same thing just to give way for the cycle to keep repeating itself for eternity. Or perhaps that was just her in general, who knows.
Once you finally got through the door and closed it, you throwed the towel aside and began accomodating your clothing. But you couldn't help it. Like every single time, you went up to the mirror and just looked at your back through it. At the burn mark that had been left there almost as a reminder of your sins, and of the mess you and her had once done.Maybe you missed the taste of her blood, for once.
Nonetheless, you just went to bed, knowing very well how you would not get any rest tonight either. This was the life of an insomniac, at the end of the day. There was no rest for you, and there would most likely never be. It was just obvious if one were to take a single look at the bags under your eyes you took so much time in front of the mirror just to make sure no one would even have a single hint every single morning with no exception. Why did you even care? It was a dumb thing to care about in a world full of people that didn't mean anything to you. But that wouldn't stop you from being pure and utter eye candy to hide how much you felt every little stimuli.
It was dumb, like your mindset. It was dumb, like every lie that surrounded you and you stupidly decided to hold on to even knowing how fake they are. Dumb, as your hypocrisy. Dumb, as everything that met the eye.
-''Master?''
Suddenly, a voice brought you back from that land of idiocy that threatened to leave you once more in bed until morning yet again. You knew who it was, so there was no need to check. And you had your confirmation when a feather of a mismatched white hue mixed in with a dark black and a fervent red at the tip fell in front of you on bed. Her whole existence was a constant reminder of calamity. Of a duality that grew cold long ago.
-''Master, are you awake?''- She repeated herself, trying too verify if you were there or just daydreaming with your eyes open.
-''What do you want, Feng?''- You answered after a second of silence, just cutting her off when she was seemingly about to ask again. In reality, it felt as somewhat of a struggle to open your lips or utter words at all. At this point, it was just a hassle to have her try to talk to you even if you had nothing better going on.
-''... You should get up.''- was her answer -''Perhaps you don't feel the will to get up at night time any longer, be it to investigate or search for entertainment.''- The feather began, speaking on a stern and almost cold tone as she remained still. -''But I advice you to retake your research tonight. There is a chance Fu Hua may be still at London, and you should not allow yourself to miss such opportunity to regain contact with her.''- And there she was, speaking of Fu Hua as if she knew anything about her. As if you hadn't tried at all. IT was almost as if she believed that just because she was one of your feathers she could speak of Fu Hua as if she had actually gotten to interact with her -''I understand you have been working hard as it is, but this is a matter that you and I know very well can not be neglected even for a single second''-
''Okay, okay. I don't need a lecture'' - You simply said and got up, taking your coat from the chair that you kept besides your bed to throw clothes on top of. You weren't really under dressed with that black short and that white blouse. Maybe you could put on something more on aside from the coat to keep you warm, but it didn't truly matter all that much what you wore. At the end of the day it was more than just likely that no one would see you at all. - ''I'm going out. I need it either way. But I should let you know that I AM searching for her.'' - you added with a sigh as you picked up your keys from the kitchen table, not even trying to hide your irritation- ''The fact that you aren't around most of the time doesn't mean I don't care about the mission''
And with that, Feng finally stopped talking, and you left into the cold and desolate stairs of the apartment building, going down one step at a time as they almost seemed to threaten you with crumbling under your weight due to how old they were. It was only a price to pay for having as little mony as you did. No scam could ever give you enough money to buy an apartment that wasn't actively falling down; and your job, even if well paid, didn't help you at all if most of that money wasn't even yours to begin with. Having to go with the rules was really annoying. You were THE Herrscher of Sentience, for crying out loud! Why did you even have to comply and just go around doing what you were asked to as if you were another poor soul with no option but to keep on working to the day they met their fateful end? It was just idiotic.
As you walked, you were accompanied by that omnipresent feather everywhere. She always enjoyed sticking her nose where she didn't have any bussiness even being.
Feng was a feather you had created yourself in a moment of despair, not really thinking that she would somehow achieve sentience and complete autonomy without you doing anything at all. She could have been interesting if she wasn't that much of an asshole. That feather was troublesome, and way more than you were willing to take especially under your circumstances. Keeping her around was like an unbearable headache, and she wasn't even slightly likeable. Perhaps she could have a soft spot for Fu Hua for some reason, but she hated you more than you hated the worst of injustices.
With that white hair tainted of red and black in mismatched manners and that weird combination between white, black, red and golden she wore along with those accesories belonging to both you and the person you once were born into, it was obvious that her whole existence was more accidental than anything. But that wouldn't stop her from claiming she would help you somehow and follow you around like a fly.
You would have told Feng off a long time ago if it wasn't because she was most likely the only one who could help you complete your mission, and so, you simply allowed her to hang around you. And, it also made you feel important in a weird way.
''...''
A thought went through your mind as you steppped out into the cold night of london, seeing the drizzle falling gently on your gloved hands and feeling it on your face
-''Old-timer, where do things that don't exist go?''- You asked her that that night just to break the silence as the moon overlooked how the both of you laid on top of that roof.
-''I don't know''
-''Why?''
-''Because if I knew, they would start existing''
-''... That's boring''
-''Yet that is how things are, Senti''
That is how things are.