The older townsfolk mourned Maude's passing with solemn reverence. In accordance with the directives created by the community council, all events and celebrations were postponed by two weeks out of respect for the departed individual. This meant that Cassie's wedding, which was supposed to take place in three days time, had to be rescheduled.
Once you knew Maria had broken the news to Cassie you and Kate went to visit her, knowing she would be devastated. The both of you perched on a couch in the living room of the house Cassie shared with her adopted family - fellow survivors who Cassie had known from when she had first been orphaned.
"I really don't want the wedding so close to Christmas," Cassie groaned as she flopped down on the couch. "Plus, it'll be so cold, it is going to start snowing any day now!"
You could appreciate Cassie's frustrations about the forced postponement of the wedding, yet the grief you felt for Maude's death was still raw, and so your capacity for commiseration was very limited. But you still dutifully listened to her lamenting along with Kate.
"I won't be able to have the ceremony in the orchid like I wanted, either." Cassie grumbled and hugged one of the couch cushions tightly to her chest. "I can't believe the council is doing this."
"It has been the town rules since the beginning," Kate said with a shrug. "Yeah it is disappointing, but it's reasonable."
"Yeah, I know, I know," Cassie muttered.
"Maybe you could postpone it until the spring?" You suggested. "That way the orchid will be in full bloom and it won't be snowing. It's only a few more months away."
There was a short silence between the three of you while the merit of your idea sunk in. Just when you were about to regret voicing your idea, Cassie suddenly sat up straight and turned to face you, her features lit up with excitement.
"That's...a great idea," she grabbed one of your hands and grinned widely. "It's actually perfect!"
You chuckled and gave her hand a squeeze. "Really? You like it?"
Cassie nodded eagerly. "Yes! It is amazing! Oh my god, I need to talk to Maria about the new date and the plans will be!"
Kate laughed and patted Cassie's shoulder. "Okay, slow down, there's still plenty of time for that. Matt's with Maria and Tommy today organising the new rosters for patrol, so she's probably too busy to talk about planning your wedding today."
Cassie let out a little huff of indignation and rolled her eyes. "Alright! I guess it'll have to wait. But in the mean time, let's talk about seating arrangements. Who are you girls bringing as dates?"
The question had caught you off guard. You hadn't thought about who you were inviting to the wedding since you asked Joel that night, the night when you had initially broken up with him (or rather, tried to). Kate answered first, rambling about trying to find the right opportunity to ask one of her colleagues she fancied, while you pressed your lips together in a tight line, body going rigid. How were you supposed to answer?
My older secret boyfriend doesn't like socialising and practically hates everyone and thinks stuff like this is a waste of time?
Cassie tapped your knee to get your attention. "What about you? Have you found someone yet?"
You give a small noncommittal shrug, hoping desperately that Cassie won't interrogate you any further, but you know she won't be so easily placated.
"Oh come on!" She swats you playfully. "There has to be someone that you want to ask out. I don't get how you don't have a boyfriend or at least someone to have some fun with!"
"What about Oscar?" Kate prompted.
You went stiff at the mention of Oscar and shot a glare at Kate. When she smiled at you, you recognised that there was no teasing inflection in her words or expression. Her suggestion had been completely innocent and genuine.
"He's a nice guy, and you must have gotten to know him well while he's been at the library." Kate reasoned.
She was right. Oscar was a nice guy. In fact, more than nice - he was actually the most kind and sincere man you had ever met. And yes, you had gotten to know Oscar quite well recently, well enough to admit that he was a great friend (and would probably be an even greater partner, you secretly admit to yourself). And you knew without a doubt that he would jump at the prospect of accompanying you to an event like Cassie's wedding.
The total opposite of Joel.
Your cognisance of this reality causes a deep rooted pang of disappointment to rear up inside your chest.
But even if you wanted to invite Oscar as your date, there was no way that could happen. Joel may have refused to go alongside you but it was an impossibility that you could go with any other man, not unless you wanted to potentially lose Joel or face his wrath. There was nothing you could do, you deduced.
Unless you asked Joel again. But you weren't sure if you wanted to risk the heartbreak of his rejection again. After all, he had said that your relationship should be kept private, away from gossiping and prying eyes and those who wished ill on the happiness of others.
You snap out of your thoughts and drag your eyes up to look at Cassie and Kate. They exchange a glance and look back to you expectantly.
You breathe out a sigh and shake your head. "I don't know," you finally answer. "Maybe."
"Well, you guys are lucky you've got some extra time to find someone!" Cassie teases while rising to stand. "Now, I want your final opinions on my veil."
You're grateful for the change in subject, for the attention to be redirected away from you and the topic of dates. You stand up with Kate and make your way to follow Cassie to her bedroom. As you trudge up the stairs behind your friends, you try to reassure yourself that Joel is right to protect you both, that his need for secrecy is for good reason. That perhaps one day soon he will decide it is safe enough for you to openly declare your love and become a family, just like he said you would.
___________
Joel snuck over to your cottage late that night as soon as his patrol shift finished. He had been impatient to see you, practically starving for you all day. You hadn't so much as cracked the door open and greeted him before he slipped through the door to shove you against the wall and kiss you ferverantly.
Just five minutes later Joel was sitting on your couch, stroking his hard cock as he watched you with hooded, lust drunk eyes. Still wearing his jeans, his legs were spread wide and his boots were planted firmly on the living room floor.
Under his direction you stood opposite him across the small living room in only your panties. Your hands hang loosely by your thighs, fingertips brushing close to the hem of your underwear as you await further instruction from Joel.
Your arousal was seeping into the scant crotch of your underwear, making it stick to your core and causing your clit to throb. The juxtaposition of Joel fully clothed while you were stripped down to your panties made you feel exposed and dirty. You knew Joel could easily see the shame written on your face, and how it was just barely eclipsed by the overwhelming desire for him. He seemed to take pleasure in coaxing these opposing emotions from you, a proud satisfaction dancing in his eyes as he watched you clench your thighs and whimper.
"You missed me, baby?" Joel rasped.
You are too fixated on the sight of his thick fingers squeezing around his cock to verbally respond. It looks so fat and delicious in his grip, enticing enough that your mouth begins to salivate in anticipation. You don't speak, but instead just sigh softly and nod. Joel smirks and rubs his thumb over the bead of precum that has leaked from his slit, smearing it over the head of his cock.
"Yeah?" He cooes smugly. "Bet you've been missin' this cock all day, too."
Joel has teased you enough. You are so desperate to touch him now, and equally desperate to feel his big calloused hands roam over your own body. Unable to hold back any longer, you take a tentative step forward with the intention of approaching him, totally forgetting the rules of this little game you and Joel play.
He is quick to halt you, though.
"Don't move," he barks a warning and shakes his head at you. "Stay right where you are until I say you can move."
"Please Joel," you whine with frustration. "I need you."
"Tell me how you need me, baby doll," Joel murmers, "tell me how much you missed my cock and I might let you have it."
The mixture of arousal and shame was something you'd grown accustomed to over the months you had been intimate with Joel, but there was still a tiny sense of unease that lingered in your stomach each time you submitted. In the heat of the moment you push it aside, just as you do now.
"I really need you," you sigh."N-need to feel your cock and taste you. I missed it so much today. Missed how you fuck me so good with your cock."
Joel smirks, pleased with your admission. "You want it so bad, baby? Come get it. Crawl to me."
"Huh?" You squeak.
"Ya heard me," Joel growls impatiently. "If you're so desperate for my cock, get on your hands and knees and crawl to me."
You don't need any more persuasion. You lower yourself to your knees and plant your palms on the living room floor, your gaze never leaving Joel's. There is a gleam of cruel satisfaction in his large dark eyes that makes him look like a hungry wolf gleefully torturing its cornered prey. Joel beckons you with two fingers.
"Keep those eyes on me," he drawls.
You obey, staring at him as you start slowly crawling across the space of the living room, the hardwood floors uncomfortably into your kneecaps. Joel leans back into the couch and watches you like a hawk, his jaw clenched. You feel the heat of shame colour your face but you try your best to keep your eyes on his. You cross the floor and come to kneel a foot before him in between his spread legs.
"Good girl," Joel croons. Your pussy throbs from his praise and you bite your bottom lip to stifle your moan. "Did just what daddy told ya."
"Yes, sir," you whisper.
Joel grips his dick at the base and gestures to it with a small nod of his head. "Come on, take it. Show me what you've been wantin' all day, little one."
You shuffle closer to him and slide your hands up the length of his legs and over the thickness of his strong thighs, staring at the fat head of his cock glistening with precum. Joel releases his hold and slips the palm of his hand along your jaw and to the back of your head. He threads his fingers through your hair and tangles a handful into his fist, giving it a tight tug. It hurts but causes a tingling to surge from your belly to your pussy, and you mewl pathetically.
"Show me," Joel urged, the tone of his voice rough and close to cracking, betraying the depth of his own desire. His pupils were blown wide already. "Open your fuckin' mouth."
You stare up at him and flutter your lashes as your hand snakes up to wrap around his shaft. You part your lips and stick out your tongue then lean in and swipe it over his slit, tasting the salty musk of his skin. Joel catches his bottom lip inbetween his teeth and lets out a groan.
You lick a thick stripe up the underside of his shaft and then wrap your lips over the head of his cock, giving it a teasing suck and then popping it back out of your mouth. You jerk your fist up and down the base of his cock while you repeat the action several times, letting your saliva run past your lips and drip down Joel's girthy length.
"That's it," Joel drawls, his eyes appearing black while he watches you intently. His hand flexes in the tangle of your hair.
You dip forward to slide his dick inside your mouth until you feel him touch the back of your throat. You welcome the familar way he stretches the corners of your lips. You then bob up and down, hollowing your cheeks and sucking around him while simultaneously breathing through your nose.
You had very little experience sucking cock before you started sleeping with Joel. The idea used to intimidate you and you worried that your lack of experience was laughable, that you were incapable of giving pleasure to anyone. But your inexperience only seemed to excite Joel, a wolfish gleam in his eyes and a smug twitch on his his lips as he casually suggested he teach you how. And so he did. Joel was patient as he taught you how to take him in your mouth, how to properly breathe through your nose while maintaining suction, the importance of eye contact, how he liked your small hand jerking him off at the same time.
To Joel's immense satisfaction you learnt how to please him quickly, and he learnt how eager you were to hear his praise. Taking advantage of this eagerness and need for his acclaim, Joel slowly pushed you a bit further each time, nudging boundaries and inching closer to your discomfort. He eventually introduced you to the concept of face fucking, confessing his preference for rougher blow jobs, how he loved the seeing your face wrecked and covered in his spit and your saliva. He was just patient enough to guide you through your hesitations, careful to not push you too far too quickly, always encouraging you and praising your efforts. It thrilled Joel to experiment and test you, to force you to deep throat him longer, to endure more forceful thrusts.
Joel's dedication to your training had paid off; now you were skilled at sucking his cock just how he liked, and he knew you enjoyed it as well, conjuring an almost Pavlovian response in your loins.
So now, tonight, Joel sits on your couch and revels in you worshipping his cock with your tongue and your throat. His breathing becomes heavier and his fist pulls tighter in your hair as you continue to pleasure him.
"Fuck, baby," he grits breathlessly. "So fuckin' good for me, tight little throat takin' me so well."
His praise goes straight to your pussy and you moan around him. Your eyes are glassy with tears as you stare up at Joel. His plush lips are parted as he pants, hooded puppy dog eyes fixed on you, his crown of greying dark curls touseled.
You deepthroat him for another minute, his moans and groans filling your ears alongside the sloppy gagging noises coming from your thoroughly fucked throat. You gasp for air when Joel suddenly wrenches you off of him, making your scalp sting.
"Don't wanna cum just yet," he pants heavily. "Wanna fuck you. Bet that little pussy is drippin' for me, ain't it, baby?"
You whimper and nod as best as you can with his tight hold on your hair, your eyes wide and wet, your lips puffy. The sight of you so wrecked on your knees before him makes Joel feel crazed.
"Sit on my cock, little slut." He growls. "Come on, get up and ride it."
Joel doesn't wait for you to rise before yanking you up to stand on your feet by your hair. You squeal and wobble unsteadily but he ignores you. He then takes your panties and rips them down your thighs and down your legs in one swift, impatient motion. His hand grabs your ass cheek and squeezes roughly before using the grip to move you to straddle his legs.
You're like a rag doll, pliant and acquiescent, allowing Joel to manhandle you to hover above his cock. You spread your legs wide over his thick thighs and moan when you feel the wet blunt head of his dick press against your pussy. Even though you're so wet you're still apprehensive about taking Joel without at least having his fingers inside you to stretch you a bit. You open your mouth to voice your concern when suddenly Joel slams you down onto his dick.
You scream at the burning stretch. His cock impales you, seeming to part your insides as he buries himself completely inside your pussy. He watches you closely as your face contorts in pain, untangling his hand from your hair to slide down your spine and cup your other ass cheek. Your body shudders and your opening throbs painfully around the base of him.
"Ow, ow! F-fuck, Joel," you sob. Your hands claw at his shoulders for support.
"So full of me, babydoll," Joel whispers huskily. You can feel the rough skin on his palms when he slowly rocks your pelvis back and forth, his cock dragging out a few inches and then back in, forcing your walls to adjust around him.
He's right, you are so impossibly full of him. You choke out a series of stuttering moans and whimpers while he continues manovuering your hips in shallow thrusts. He's so fucking big you can feel him deep in your stomach. The pain eventually lessens in intensity and is replaced by overwhelming pleasure, although the sensation of fullness remains. Your pussy is getting wetter and wetter, making the the movement smoother. Joel notices your slick start to drip down his shaft and down to his balls and a growl of approval rumbles in his throat.
"Takin' daddy's cock like a good little bitch," Joel moans. "Such a good fuckin' girl."
His words make your pussy clench. God, he makes you feel feral. You start to wind your hips and bounce on top of him in a fervent rhythm, chasing your own pleasure.
"That's it," Joel murmers against your lips. "Ride me, baby, ride this fat fuckin' dick."
He licks at the corner of your mouth teasingly before capturing your lips in a passionate kiss. You moan into his mouth, still bouncing and grinding on his length and digging your nails into his shoulders. When Joel slips one hand inbetween your bodies and starts to stroke your clit with his thumb, your legs quiver.
Joel's tongue dances around yours as he skillfully circles your bundle of nerves. Your eyes roll back, the coil in your lower stomach swirling and contracting. Your soft body feels wholly possessed by Joel, every inch of you captured and devoured by him. You're lost in the ecstasy you share with him, and within a few minutes the coil reaches a crescendo and snaps. You climax, legs shaking and body shuddering. Joel helps you through it with upwards thrusts of his hips and his thumb still circling your clit.
When your orgasm fades and your body is overcome with fatigue, Joel grabs tightly on to your hips and fucks up into you. He slams you up and down like a ragdoll as he desperately chases his own climax, reaching it in less than a minute. At the last moment he hauls your body up off him. Joel's groans are loud and animalistic as his cock pulses and spurts ropes of his warm seed over your lower belly and your mound. You mewl wearily into his chest.
You feel sleep creeping closer and you slump further against Joel. His chest rises and falls rapidly as he tries to catch his breath, running a hand through his untamed curls and tilting his head back. You both remain that way quietly for several minutes. You are just beginning to drift off to sleep with his soft when Joel taps your hip to signal you to get off his lap.
You begrudgingly slide off of him and flop onto the couch. He stands and leaves you to curl up alone against a couch cushion. You can feel the stickiness of his cum drying on your skin but you're too exhausted to care. Your eyelids flutter shut and you yawn into the cushion. You hear the rustle of clothes, the clunk of his boots on the ground and some kind of movement near you, then Joel reappears above you naked from the waist down. You don't open your eyes as he scoops you into his arms wordlessly and carries you to your bedroom. You are almost completely asleep when he tucks you into your bed and slides under the covers next to you. And when he slings an arm around your middle possessively and gets comfortably snuggled against your body, you're already lulled into slumber.
___________
The next day you were back at the library with Oscar. The weather outside was awful; thick grey clouds filled the sky with the threat of rain while a bitter wind whipped mercilessly throughout the streets of the town. The inside of the library was cosy and warm though, and you had to agree with Oscar when he said that snow would be arriving soon.
Sometime after lunch, when there was a lull in residents visiting the library, Oscar cleared his throat before uttering your name.
"Hm?" You hummed in reply without looking at him. You were focused on recording the details of each book in a small stack of hardcovers beisde you.
He said your name once more, louder this time, commanding your attention.
"I won't be working at the library anymore," Oscar spoke quietly.
The weight of his confession hung heavy and resounding in the air. You froze, the hand holding the pen pausing halfway through writing a title. Your throat went dry instantly. Surely he hadn't just said he would be leaving the library?
A frown creased your brow. Yes, you must have misheard him. There was no way he would leave you and abandon the comfortable niche you had created together. Right?
You felt flames of panic start to lick the inside of your sternum. You looked up at Oscar with alarm, hoping for reassurance. But he was already staring at you with an apologetic expression that immediately told you that you had indeed heard him correctly.
"W-what?" You stammered. "What do you mean, why not?"
Oscar propped his glasses on top of his forehead and brushed the corners of his eyes with his fingertips, and you weren't sure if he were sweeping away weariness or tears. You had never seen Oscar without his spectacles before, and when he shifted his gaze back to you you were struck by how enchanting his sultry hooded eyes were. Even consumed with an expression of helpless regret, you couldn't help but marvel at how handsome he looked.
"Maria says it is time for me to go back to patrolling and the stables now my ankle is healed." Oscar said softly.
You sucked in a breath of air and shakily exhaled. "That's not fair," you mumbled petulantly, looking down."The library needs you."
Oscar smiled, a small sad quirk of his lips. You both knew the library no longer needed two people to manage it. Oscar had painted and renovated the building as best as it possibly could have been, and all that was left now was general cleaning and the maintance of books - the tasks you had easily completed alone.
"You've got it," he reassured you. "This is your library now."
Tears well in your eyes and blur your vision. You feel ridiculous for being so emotional, for the disappointment and sadness cruelly curling around your heart. You aren't even completely sure why you feel this way, either. You knew Oscar wouldn't always be around in the library with you, but you couldn't ever anticipate this sense of loss at him leaving. Why was the prospect so hurtful?
All you manage to do is shake your head gently, unable to voice your disagreement. This is yours too, you want to say, we made this together. You bow your head and shut your eyes tightly.
Oscar seems to read your thoughts. He moves slowly toward you, the whisper of his shoes against the floor being the only sound in the room. You're startled when you feel his hands tenderly settle on your shoulders and he says your name once again. You raise your head and turn to look at him, unable to hide your sadness, you are sure you find a similar glint of emotion reflected in his own beautiful eyes.
"Do you have to?" You whisper, searching his eyes.
Oscar gives your shoulders a gentle squeeze and nods. "Yes, I do. Everyone has their roles in the community, and I have to go wherever Maria and Tommy need me. And after that mission we need as many capable people as possible on patrol."
You sigh and nod your head slowly to show you understand. And you do. You have even seen Joel work himself to the bone at times when there have been shortages within patrol groups. But you can't help feeling selfish right now.
"We can still be friends," Oscar offers you a smile. "Have lunch together when I'm not on patrol. What do you think? I mean, only if you want. Do you?"
The air between you feels thick all of a sudden, tense with the intimacy of your proximity. He's so close to you now, his body almost caging yours, but somehow it doesn't feel claustrophobic at all. Instead, it is comfortable, it feels safe.
"Of course I do," you find yourself answering immediately. It is the truth, yes, but it is one that you know isn't realistic.
"Okay. Good." Oscar breathes out. It almost sounds like he is relieved by your answer. Maybe he is. He opens his mouth to say something more but the moment is abruptly shattered when the bell above the door tinkles, signalling someone's entrance. Instinctively you both take a step away from each other, Oscar readily greeting the handful of children that have materialised while you compose yourself.
For the rest of the afternoon you try not to sulk, trying in vain to savour the enjoyable moments of your last shift with Oscar.
--------
Three weeks pass by quickly. The weather has turned bitingly cold and snow has settled into the mountains of Wyoming. The snowcapped peaks surrounding the Jackson village create a beautifully picturesque backdrop to the flurry of activity happening in the town.
Everyone is preparing for Christmas. Decorations are constructed and displayed in windows and shop fronts. Strings of fairy lights are hung in the main street and the glowing yellow bulbs illuminate the darkness of night. The townspeople are more cheerful and animated than usual, the children especially excited by the celebratory atmosphere and the wafting sweet smell of baked goods that carry from the bakery.
You continue to work at the school and the library. The library is so different without Oscar's laugh and his stories and the warmth of his presence. You force yourself to trudge through each shift without thinking about him too much, although reminders of him pop up here and there and it is impossible not to.
You haven't spoken to Oscar in three weeks. You know he has been busy back on patrol but his absence still stings. You still hope he will come walking through the door to visit, even just to say hello.
You have glimpsed Oscar twice throughout that time though, both in the main street as you were walking home and he was headed to the mess hall after his shift. You spotted each other at the same time and your heart skipped a beat to witness a flash of tender affection pass over his features. Both times he was with two other patrolmen though, and it was clear that he couldn't stop to talk.
As you passed each other Oscar gave you an apologetic smile, disappointment tugging at his lips. You smiled back and nodded once, hoping to convey your understanding.
I miss you, you wanted to tell him.
But you couldn't. You continued the trek back home, forgoing dinner at the mess hall as usual, preferring the quiet comfort of your cottage and your books. Joel would be over later.
Joel had started spending more time at your home recently. On the nights he wasn't on patrol he would skulk through the darkness to slip through your door and into your bed. It wasn't every night, but you made sure to always be home before 8pm in case he showed up.
Until a few days before Christmas.
It was just after dusk when you were startled by a knock at your front door.
It must be Kate, you thought, coming by early to go to the movie screening together.
When you opened the door you were surprised to find that it wasn't Kate on your porch, but Joel. He had just finished his patrol shift; his hair was windswept and his lips were chapped, and the lines around his eyes were accentuated by weariness. He must have come straight to your place after leaving his horse at the stables. Even with the evident exhaustion written on his features, Joel still looked as rugged and handsome as ever.
His eyes scanned up and down your body, clocking the fact that you were wearing your best pair of jeans and your hair was neatly combed and tied into a braid with a ribbon. You were too caught off guard by his unexpected appearance that you missed the way his eyebrows creased.
"Oh, Joel!" you exclaimed. "Why are you here?"
You stepped aside to allow him to enter the cottage and he swaggered in. As he squeezed past you could smell the mix of gunpowder, sweat and pine on his clothes.
"What d'you mean?" Joel glowered, watching you with an air of suspicion as you shut the door behind him. "Why wouldn't I be here?"
You turned around to face him and pressed your back against the wooden door. "Well, I didn't know we were meeting tonight."
Joel folded his arms and glared down at you with furrowed eyebrows. He looked annoyed with you.
Oh no, he's upset. Did I really forget he was going to come over?
"I mean, I don't remember us making any plans." You quickly amend. "Did we?"
"I can't just come over and see you when I want to?" Joel bristled. "What, you busy all of a sudden?"
Okay, he is really annoyed.
A tiny niggling anxiety began to stir in your stomach - a biological remnant of trauma that you weren't entirely conscious of but of which had entrenched itself throughout your nervous system. You needed to quash this feeling as quickly as possibly, and assuring Joel that you weren't too busy for him and still loved him somehow seemed like the best way to make it better.
"No, I'm not busy" you murmer soothingly. "I always want to see you."
You weren't lying, either. Since his return, you really did want to see Joel as often as you could. Within this short span of time there had been a shift within your relationship, mainly precipitated by changes in Joel's actions. He had become more generous in his affection and praise, causing you to become putty in his hands at every cuddle, caress and compliment he lavished upon you.
You had loved Joel for all these months now and had been so starved of the security of knowing his feelings, that these displays of affection had totally bewitched you. It was as if Joel had weaved an intoxicating spell over you. A spell you were powerless to resist and of which made you constantly crave his skilled touch and the weight of his body and his low baritone.
Simply, you were falling deeper in love with Joel.
You gather the courage to step toward him and lay your palm delicately against the curve of his jaw, hoping to pacify him.
Joel's eyelids close briefy while he savours your soft touch, and his head dips ever so slightly to press heavier into your hand. He's so beautiful when he's soft like this, when he lets his guard down and opens up a little.
Joel visibly inhales and exhales through his nose. He opens his eyes and glowers down at you once more, but you detect that his irritation has lessened somewhat, the hardness in his orbs not as amplified. Relief floods your body and the niggling knot of worry dissipates.
"Where you goin' dressed up like that?" Joel grunts, his hand moving in a vague gesture over your body.
"Dressed up?" You chuckle. "Joel, I'm just in jeans and a shirt. The girls and I are going to watch the movie screening in the hall tonight." You slowly stroke the patchiness of scruff on his jaw with your thumb.
"Baby, why do you wanna waste your time with that? I got a TV and video tapes at my place that you can watch anytime."
"I know, but--"
Joel takes your hand from his face and shifts away from you, sighing heavily. "Girl, I had a long day dealin' with the bullshit the last patrol shift left for me to clean up. I'm tired, back's killin' me, but I came straight here to see you."
"Oh Joel, I'm sorry," you sigh guiltily. You knew how the pain in his back troubled him, the affliction sometimes so bad that he would grit his teeth and snap like a vicious dog nursing a nasty wound. You often gave Joel massages to ease the tension in his muscles, especially after long strenuous shifts. Your heart ached to know he was in pain.
And you feel torn. You wanted to comfort Joel and support him, to show that you care for him and love him. But you were also so excited to see the movie with your friends tonight. You hadn't really had a fun evening with the girls for a long time and you were all eager to take advantage of any opportunity to enjoy your youth, to gather in public and gossip and joke. After the screening you'd all probably go to the Tipsy Bison for some drinks, of which you guessed Joel wouldn't approve of.
You approach him now and wrap your arms around his waist, trying to cuddle him, but Joel doesn't move.
"The movie won't go for too long. Why don't you stay here, have a shower and relax. And then I meet you back here?" You suggest cheerfully. "Spend the night with me, please."
"Not tonight," Joel mutters, detaching from your hold without looking at you. "I'm goin' home."
Your heart sinks. "Joel, please," you plead, tugging on the sleeve of his jacket. "Stay here."
Joel gives a tight shake of his head, his eyes avoiding your face, and paces to your front door. You are about to omplore him one last time but he quickly strides out of your home without saying anything.
When Kate arrives to walk with you to the town hall, you try your best to swallow the lump in your throat and adopt a happy facade. But it is a lot more difficult than you anticipated.
At the town hall you can't concentrate on the movie at all. It is impossible to focus on the moving images on the massive projection screen when your stomach is twisting into knots thinking of Joel. You're surrounded by Jess, Rhi, Kate and Cassie, in their chatter and giggles, but you can't hear them. It is as if you have been submerged underwater and everything is blurred and muffled.
Joel's scowl of displeasure flashes in your mind and an involuntarily shiver rushes up your spine, causing you to twitch in your seat. He had looked so disappointed and aggravated by your unavailability for him. It suddenly struck you that he needed you; he had come to you at the end of his bad day, had chosen you to share his complaints with, wanted you to comfort him. But instead you had chosen to attend a stupid movie night rather than be with Joel. You had prioritised something so meaningless over Joel's feelings; guilt had lodged itself inside your throat, heavy like a stone.
You can't stay. You need to leave and talk to Joel.
You feign feeling ill to your girlfriends. Kate offers to walk you home but you decline, not wanting her to miss the movie she had been so excited to see. Rhi protests and argues that they hardly ever see you anymore but Kate defends you and calms her down. Although disappointed, the girls encourage you to go home and rest.
You leave, but you don't go home.
Instead, you secretly make your way to Joel's large two storey house under the clandestine cloak of the dark night sky. It is freezing and you regret not wearing more layers.
When you reach his house, you spontaneously try jiggling the door handle and discover it is unlocked. As if he knew you would come. Were you so predictable, or did Joel just know you too well? You twist the knob and slowly push the door ajar just enough to poke your head through.
"Joel?" You call out hesitantly.
"Yeah," the deep timbre of his voice responds soon after. You can tell that he's close by, probably in the living room. You slip into the house and push the door closed.
As you creep into the living room, you feel sheepish, like a scolded dog crawling back to its owner with its tail between its legs. The whole house is dark except for the dancing flames in the fireplace and a single lamp that sits in the corner of the room that emits a dull yellow light. Joel sits slumped in his arm chair nursing a glass of dark amber liquor in his hand. He has showered and changed into a clean black shirt and sweat pants. You instantly feel the welcoming heat coming from the crackling fire in the fireplace.
"Movie no good?" Joel grunts, raising his eyebrows.
You are too embarassment to meet his gaze so you stare at the ground instead. You scuff the toe of your shoe against the floor while you fidget absentmindedly with the hem of your coat. You have to clear your throat before you answer.
"It was fine. I just...I missed you. I wanted to be with you instead. You are more important."
"Look at me," Joel commands softly. You obey and drag your eyes up from the floor to look at him. "That the truth?"
"Yes sir." You reply quietly with a single nod.
Joel seems to accept your answer and nods back. You don't realise you're holding your breath as you wait for him to say more. You study Joel's unhurried movements as he takes a leisurely sip of his whiskey and then deposits the small glass on the table next to him. He runs his hand over his face and grunts, but says nothing more. You suck in a breath of air before blurting out your next sentence.
"Is it alright I'm here?" You ask timidly.
Joel stares at you for a few moments, his weary eyes raking up and down your body. Then he jerks his head slightly to usher you over.
"Come 'ere," Joel murmers as he pats his thigh.
There it is. His permission. His forgiveness. You can't hide the relieved smile that breaks out on your face. You prance over to him and climb onto the thick muscle of his thigh, positioning your legs across his lap and wrapping your arms around his neck. You rest your head against his chest and sigh contentedly as Joel slips an arm around your waist and cups his large hand over your hip. You inhale his scent, the familiar musk of Joel and sandalwood and pine, and hum appreciatively. You adore the way you fit into his lap and how his frame cradles you, making you feel so small.
"I'm sorry," you whisper. "I wasn't thinking. I should've just stayed home."
Joel doesn't say anything. He drapes his other hand across your knee and strokes the area with his thumb. You nuzzle into his neck lovingly and Joel places a light kiss on the top of your head.
He is immensely pleased that you showed up - he knew you would. He's proud that you're starting to learn and accept that your rightful place is with him. Not with your friends or around any other frivolous things to distract you. You belong here, with him.
He wishes he could whisk you away from Jackson and leave all this bullshit behind. If it weren't for Ellie, he would find a way to do it.
But for now Joel has to be content with this. Just like training you to surrender your body to his every whim and desire, he was going to make sure you would surrender your life to him, too.