"Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy, like all my friends hate me
Overthinking alone, no one picks up their phone
My anxiety tells me that you're better without me"
– Mckenzie Grace, do all my friends hate me
_____________
The myth about vampires being pale comes directly from another myth—the idea that vampires can't be under the sun without dying. Now, that isn't exactly true, but Sunoo didn't learnt about that until primary school, thanks to his desk mate who happened to be a vampire. Five minutes after making that revelation to Sunoo, the boy decided to bolt outside under a 35° weather during recess, practically sending Sunoo into an early grave, because he had been convinced that he'd lose his new friend to a brightly shining sun. He had literally been ready to find him melted into a puddle or maybe dried like a fish out of water for too long. Turns out, sun doesn't kill vampires—only makes them weaker, which isn't fun, but as long as they are appropriately dressed and use a great sunscreen, they don't face any major risk.
Anyways, that's where the myth about them being pale comes from, which, therefore, isn't always true. Despite that, Sunghoon had always been a pretty stereotypical vampire, with his pointy canine even when he didn't bear his fangs, his overall liking of the cold, and his paler skin. Sunoo never thought that he could look even paler, in an almost sickening way—in a way that would scare him for the life of his friend—until last night.
Despite the limited amount of sleep he had gotten, Sunoo didn't even need an alarm or the be shaken awake by Jungwon to get up. They had agreed with their manager to go to the hospital as soon as they would be permitted to see Sunghoon, and Sunoo wasn't going to let sleep get in between that.
To say that he feels relieved the moment his gaze fell on his member would be an understatement. The sense of relief takes over his entire body, from head to toes, the moment they are allowed to step inside his hospital room. It is surreal to see Sunghoon like this —awake, eyes focused—when it felt like they were losing him merely a few hours ago. His bed is slightly raised so that he can roll his head and look at them without having to sit up. There is a healthier glow to his face compared to when they brought him there, and he's gained some colours overnight. Within the first seconds of seeing him like this, Sunoo feels the fear that was still sitting inside him vanish.
The moment Sunghoon's eyes catches their presence, a Jungwon-shaped body slumps on him. The older's lips turn into a slight smile, and he tries to open his mouth, but is ultimately cut by Heeseung.
"Park Sunghoon, you are never doing this to my heart again!" He punctuates his sentence by joining in the hug, doing his best to avoid touching his bandaged upper arm.
"You really scared the shit out of us, hyung," Jungwon adds.
Finally, his eyes meet Sunoo's. And suddenly, the boy has to fight back his mind from going back to last night. To the changing rooms, to the last time he got to lock eyes with his hyung before he went delirious. He cannot afford to waver back to that night, to the terror and weakness he felt—the weakness he recognised as a part of him, as a human stuck between a vampire and a werewolf that went berserk. He doesn't think he wants to deal with those emotions right now, and chooses instead to push them back.
He cannot afford to drift back there.
So he smiles as he says, "You really did, hyung."
Sunghoon smiles in return and waves his free hand for Sunoo to join in their messy hug. They are all thrown higgledy-piggledy over Sunghoon, which results them being in quite uncomfortable positions. Despite that, Sunoo feels good there.
Not too long after, Heeseung groans in complain of a hit he received from Jungwon's elbow, and they end up breaking the puppy pile they called a hug.
"How are you feeling?" Jungwon ends up asking.
Sunghoon swiftly waves the question away, "I'm—well, I'm good. I'm okay." A breath with badly hidden hesitation. " How about you?"
Sunoo frowns at the dismissive answer, and he catches a swift eye contact between Jungwon and Heeseung. "Yeah, we are good. Better now that we get to see you," the leader ends up answering. "But seriously, are you really fine?"
There's an undertone to his question, it sounds heavier than it should, full of unsaid words. In response, Sunghoon looks up and meets the eldest's eyes. There seems to be a conversation going on, and had Sunoo not known better, he'd think they're having a telepathic discussion. But it isn't the case. They simply have a different kind of connection, something they are able to share through eye contact, that apparently Sunoo can't read through.
"I am," Sunghoon ends up saying, breaking the wordless communication they had going. "Really, I'm fine," he insists at Heeseung's doubtful expression, and Sunoo could swear he heard some frustration creeping in his voice.
He must not be the only one, because Jungwon takes the lead in the conversation, successfully avoiding an unwanted argument, "We weren't kidding when we said you gave us a scare, hyung. Do you even remember what happened?"
Sunghoon takes in a breath, seemingly uncomfortable, almost as if he had expected them to drop the whole affair, which sounds surreal in itself, "Kind of—well, the begging at least. My memories are kinda hazy after the—well, I mean—you know, the scratch."
He doesn't remember being in so much pain that the only sounds leaving his lips were pained whimpers, doesn't remember all the blood, and the voices of his members asking for him to hold on. He doesn't remember the iron grip with which Sunoo held onto him, melting onto him both to support him and give his own self some comfort. The events that happened less than ten hours ago are not even close to memories for him. Sunoo realises that he is happy with the thought, because if the experience had been scary for them, he can't think of how Sunghoon felt at the moment. The elder forgetting it is for the best, he decides.
Still, he wishes they could talk about it without Sunghoon trying to avoid their questions.
"Are you in any pain?" Sunoo asks, and he catches Sunghoon relax when he hears his voice.
He motions towards the white bandages covering his bicep, "I'm on pain meds right now, so not really. But I've been told the stiches won't be too comfortable."
Sunoo winces in sympathy, his own experience with stiches weren't the best. He also wonders whether they'll be ignoring the elephant in the room any longer, because their attempts at bypassing the topic are becoming ridiculous and uncomfortable. Once again he catches Jungwon and Heeseung exchanging swift glances with each other, maybe thinking of the same thing as Sunoo.
He wishes someone would say anything, ask something, to advance the conversation. But instead, they are stuck in an uncomfortable silence— or, more exactly, Sunoo is the one stuck in the silence. Next to him, Jungwon and Heeseung seem to be exchanging silently, through eye contact once again, and it's almost as if they were talking but was Sunoo was deaf—except they don't talk. They simply know what each other is thinking about, as if they were both putting themselves in Sunghoon's shoes, trying to project to understand better, and that leaves Sunoo a stranger to such a conversation. Because what place would he have in there, when he's unable to even imagine how the situation would affect a vampire, compared to a human?
He realises just now that if he had been scared to his core last night, at the sight of his friend's suffering, Heeseung and Jungwon could probably feel the fear in their bones, while seeing one of their fellow going through every vampires worst nightmare. And Sunoo—well, he merely knew of the effect of a werewolf scratch on a vampire, he couldn't even fathom the probability of his members nature as a potential danger to his own self, so what right does he have to envy and wish to be included in their conversation?
The silence (one-sided silence, he reminds himself) probably lasts less than a couple of minutes, but he feels as though he's been a journey. Sunghoon must be lost in his thoughts as well—though which one, Sunoo couldn't tell— so he clears his throat.
"So," he starts, drawing the attention of all three occupants of the room, "when will you be clear?"
"Probably tomorrow if my tests are okay," Sunghoon answers. Then he adds, "I'll be going home for a couple of days."
Jungwon tilts his head, eyebrows frowned, "You're going home first? When will you come back?"
"Probably in a few days, I'm not sure yet. My parents got worried, they want me next to them for a while, you know how parents get."
Sunoo nods, he had seen the Park family when they got to the hospital, and despite the smile they had exchanged, he could tell by their eyebags alone that last night hadn't been any easier on them.
"Well, it's fortunate the promotions are over, we don't have schedules for a while."
As they discuss the fact that the company probably won't have to announce Sunghoon's hiatus thanks to their empty schedules, Sunoo feel his phone vibrating in his pocket and takes it out, seeing a message from Jay in their group chat.
"Riki's coming back home later today," he reads out loud, and as he looks up, he can see Sunghoon observing him. It's almost as if they had been waiting for the topic to be brought up, but no one knew how to.
"How is he?" Sunghoon asks, eyes focused on him. "What happened to him last night?"
"Jay and Jake brought him to the Center while we were with you," Heeseung explains. "We haven't seen him or talked with him yet, but according to the Center, he'll be fine. The accumulated stress provoked his transformation outside of a full-moon period but everything should go back in order for the next one."
Sunghoon's tense shoulder seem to ease at the answer, "That's nice. I'm glad he's fine. That's good."
He fifgets with the edge of his covers, eyes fluttering as if he wants to add something, but doesn't know how to do so. Sunoo patiently waits, gives him room to do it, but eventually, he seems to drop the idea.
He wouldn't have gotten the occasion anyways, as their manager knocks on the door and gets inside.
"Boys," she says, "we'll have to go back to the dorms, Sunghoon has to rest."
Said boy rolls his eyes, "I'm fine though, they could still stay."
Jiyoo smiles, "I'm sure, Sunghoon-ah. But I don't make the orders, the nurses do. I'm happy to see you doing better, by the way." She closes the door after her, and the boys start to pack and say their goodbyes.
"Take care of yourself for the next days, hyung. And let's keep in touch, it's going to be lonely without you."
Sunghoon nods at their words, waving after them as they pass through the door. As Sunoo was about to close it, Sunghoon stop him.
"Sunoo," he calls him.
"Yeah?"
"Tell Riki to take care of himself as well, will you? You know how he is."
~*~
On their way back the time, Jiyoo lets them get take out. It's a tradition they have for each end of their promotions, but this time it feels more like an attempt to comfort them for last night's events. By the time they get back to the dorm, there's already noise inside.
"-telling you dude, that's not how you do it!"
"What would you know about it?"
"Well at least I'm smart enough to know that if you let the biscuits too long in the coffee, they will dissolve in your tiramisu and you'll be stuck eating shitamisu instead!"
"Woah, easy Jay-ah," Jiyoo cuts them as they enter the kitchen, "no reason to disgust us allf from tiramisu."
Both boys jump slightly as they finally notice the newcomers, a tray of what looks like half-done tiramisu on the counter, and a lot of cocoa power sprinkled all around it.
"Manager-nim, we didn't hear you coming in," Jake says in lieu of hello.
"Well obviously you not since you were too busy preparing shit-cake," Heeseung says, only to be threatened by Jay's spatula full of cream.
"We were being nice enough to prepare some dessert for Sunghoon and look at you, making fun of us," Jake says, blowing away some fake tears. Jay joins in by fake-fainting in such a dramatic way that he actually ends up tripping on his own feet and finds himself on the floor.
"Fuck—my ass!"
"Jongsung-ah, language!" Jiyoo exclaims.
"Fuck—my butt!"
The others are unfortunate enough to laugh at his joke, because the next second Jiyoo has a slipper in her hand and a look in her eyes making them understand just because she isn't their mother doesn't mean she will hesitate to act as such. The two older werewolves busy themselves with finishing their dessert.
In the meantime, Jiyoo puts away the take out on their table, a smile on her face at the sight of the boys relaxing. She claps her hands, "Be quick to finish it so that you can eat before it gets cold," she says, her tone ever so close to an older sister.
She had been with them since before debut, always taking care of them during I-Land, and has naturally found herself close to the boys, whilst still occupying her role as a manager with professionalism.
"Will do, will do," Jake says, before asking,"We'll be able to visit Sunghoon tomorrow before he gets out?"
Sunoo assumes Jungwon told them about the other vampire going back home for a few days over text.
"Yes, I'll drive you to him first thing in the morning," she assures them. "Now hurry and finish it before I come and make you."
Knowing her well enough to know that she would actually do so, both boys hurry to finish the tiramisu, silently picking back their argument over how long they should dip the biscuits in the coffee. Sunoo thinks it's nice they thought of making Sunghoon's favourite dessert for him.
As he picks up the utensils for the food while Jungwon and Heeseung are preparing the table, he hears Jiyoo's conversation with the others in the kitchen.
"Is Riki still sleeping?"
Jake hums in response, "He said he was tired and went straight for bed, we could barely talk with him."
"Should we wake him up for dinner?" she then asks, not even trying to hide her worry over the boy.
"No," Jay ends up saying after a few seconds of reflexion, "we proposed to cook something earlier, but he doesn't want to eat. I think the drugs need to wear off, we should probably let him be."
She sighs, "Try to make him eat some dinner tonight, he still needs to eat and I doubt you got anything too fulfilling at the Center."
The boys must make a certain face expression, because she sounds like she hit right home. "And take care of him. You both understand him better than any of us do."
There is an unspoken understanding— Riki needs some time for himself. Sunoo honestly doubt he is sleeping, but he also doesn't want to bother him when he might want some privacy. Still, he makes his way to their room, and slightly opens the door. It's dark inside, like it is whenever one of them wants to nap.
"Riki-yah, if you feel like eating, you should come," he says, his voice low enough to sound like a whisper, but still easy for the boy to pick the words up, especially with his enhanced hearing.
When there's no sound of an answer, Sunoo gets inside. His eyes ajust quickly to the darkness of the room, but he can't catch Niki's face as the boy is facing the wall. it is regretful, bucause Sunoo wants to talk with him. They didn't get to exchange since what happened last time, and he didn't even answer his messages. He doesn't want his last conversation with him to be what was said in the changing rooms.
Worrying over Niki is something natural for him, maybe because of how young he was when they first met, a fourteen year old, still struggling with the language and so far away from his familyn that it all simply evolved into a general feeling of protectiveness towards the youngest. But he is also lucid enough to realise that maybe things are still too raw. It is too soon, he guesses. They both need some time to digest it all, to think things over first.
He sighs.
"If you don't feel like coming, I'll leave yours in the fridge. Make sure to pick it up, there is bungeoppang just for you."
Still no answer. He might be sleeping, just like he might simply not want to talk at the moment. Either way, Sunoo goes back to the dinner room.
Jiyoo apparently went back to her own place, and the others are eating, so Sunoo is quick to catch his own plate. The two vampires are summing up their visit to Sunghoon, an act that seems to ease Jake and Jay. Both of them had been asking about the boy throughout the day and sending support messages to him.
But quickly enough, the light hearted banter of earlier fades out, and the rest of dinner goes in silence, with murmurs of discussions going on from time to time. It is not exactly uncomfortable, just a reflection of their collective feelings : they are all exhausted. Both physically and mentally. Where usually the end of promotions signs their right to rest and indulge into whatever activity they want to, this time, there is a burden that makes it impossible to fully relax. They can joke around and push things to worry about as much as they want, the truth is that they know the situation isn't resolved yet, even if both Niki and Sunghoon are promised to be better.
But they are exhausted. And in an unspoken agreement, they decide not to bring up any of the events to the table. They will have to deal with everything soon enough, anyways, might as well indulge into denial for a night.
As they finish eating and clean up, Sunoo goes to the kitchen to put Niki's portion in the fridge, hoping that the boy will pick it up. He writes up a note on a post-it before placing the container in its place.
'for riki-san. eat well and take care.'
Sunoo inspects the piece of paper for a minute, debating internally, before giving in and scribbling something underneath.
'we love you'
~*~
It is when he prepares for bed, right after Heeseung and Jungwon have retired to their own rooms, that he catches the werewolves in a quiet conversation in the balcony.
"But seriously, do you think the company will have any statements over this?" Jay asks, "They usually don't do it when there's no chance of the fans catching winds of what happened, right?"
"I don't think they will, honestly," Jake chimes in. "We don't have any public apparition scheduled for the following days, so we will just be asked to post on social media in a regular fashions as not to arise any suspicions and to keep quiet about the incident. It's not as if anyone spread the word about the events, so we'll be fine."
It's a good thing no one has seen them yesterday. Or maybe they have, now that Sunoo thinks about it. He was too busy worrying over Sunghoon's life to see whether someone was around or not, so it isn't impossible that some staff member probably saw it all. They probably did. And other idols, as well, probably. But as long as it is them, it's fine. The company knows how to keep people silent, the workers probably all had some sort of NDA in their contracts, and no idol would risk it.
What would have been a catastrophe would have been the presence of journalists that day, but he's positive they are safe in that matter.
"Jungwon has discussed it over with Jiyoo-noona already," Sunoo says as to make his presence known, "the company already did some damage-control last night, so we'll be fine. She said that we should keep low profile and act as usual with the fans. They'll let us know any additional information of needed."
The boys don't seem surprised by his presence— probably have sensed it already, Sunoo keeps forgetting they can do that— which he is happy about. It is a good change not to feel like he is intruding in conversations he has no place in.
"That's good. We don't need any media attention right now."
A sentiment shared by all seven of them.
"I hope he'll get up and eat something," Sunoo says, and the others hum in agreement.
"He has to, he can't take his medication otherwise."
"Meds?"
"Nothing to worry about," Jay is quick to reassure him. "It's going to help him regulate his cycle, he only has to take it for the next two weeks before the full moon, and his cycle should go back to normal."
"It's more of a precaution," Jake adds. "You know, so that he doesn't transform again or anything before he is due."
Sunoo nods. They talked over the maknae at the table, but the conversation didn't get any further than the one with Jiyoo. There wasn't much to say, since they could do nothing more than imagine how Niki felt until he came up to them. They were all worried about him, and felt defeated at the lack of things to do for him at the given moment.
"Is he really fine?" he ends up asking.
Jay doesn't answer right away. He breathes in, and considers his next words. Despite his carefree appearance in times, such as earlier, Sunoo makes sure to never forget how seriously Jay takes his role and how deeply he cares for his pack mates.
"He'll be fine," he ends up saying, a direct echo to their conversation last night. "Because we're here for him, and we won't let each other down."
___________
Sunoo would be lying if he said that catching up with his sister wasn't the single best moment of his life so far. It is a tradition between the two of them to meet together after big events in each others' life, a way to keep connected, and a comeback is one of them.
Sua is a constant in his life, a figure he fought with often growing up, and one that always directed him with great wisdom into their older years. He thinks that's the magic of siblinghood ; watching each other grow up and see them through each phases of their lives, being so close it's sickening at times, but also being able to be open with each other regarding critics as well as struggles.
"So, how are things going with your new work?" he asks, as he picks up his tea. "Is your team great?"
They decided to meet for breakfast, since Sua was way to busy in the afternoon to share a meal with him.
"I like it so far! I've only met the boss once or twice, but he doesn't seem too strict. He's on the younger side, too, so I was afraid he'd try to make it up by being insufferable or something but it isn't the case yet," she laughs.
"Younger, huh? Maybe you'll finally live one of your k-drama romcoms?" He receives a raspberry to his face by the times he finishes his sentence, her sister rolling her eyes.
"That was so funny," she pinches her voice like she does whenever she mocks him, "don't make it happen again."
It's his turn rolling his eyes, "You're just jealous you're not living the Business Proposal life, I know you dream of it I've heard you giggle while watching it!"
"I'll actually kill you, right here and now."
She has a knife nearby, and Sunoo knows better than to assume she wouldn't throw it at his head (one of the perks of having a sibling, he thinks, is that he knows how to sense danger.)
"Can't even joke around," he mutters.
"Hm?"
"Nothing! Nothing!"
Sua makes a face, but continues on eating her breakfast, "What about you? I liked your comeback, the dances were impressive!'
"Yeah, it was the highlight of the performance."
"You should have seen mom's face when she saw it, going on about 'how her little baby grew up' or something, ew," she mocks.
Her imitation of their parents is always quite on point, Sunoo wonders if it's the way she crunches her face or the funny intonation she uses. She is the one who used to get into trouble with them the most, growing up. And while their parents would scream after her, she'd mock them behind their backs instead of speaking back, since the latter would only result in more time being grounded.
"And how are all of you holding up with all this work? It seemed tiring from what you described me during the phone calls."
"It wasn't easy," he says simply.
His sister slurps at her drink, waiting for him to elaborate. When he doesn't say anything else, she raises an eyebrow
"That's it?"
"Uh, yeah?"
Her eyes go over his face, blinking slowly as she absorbs every inches of his facial expressions. If for other people, Sunoo is hard to read due to his great abilities at hiding his emotions, for his sister, he is an open book.
"Something happened," she states.
It isn't a question, but an affirmation. Her following silence is an invitation for him to open up.
He doesn't want to talk about anything. The last days have all been mixing up into a nightmarish cocktail he wouldn't want to look at, much less drink, in his best days. He thinks back at Niki's moodiness, his transformation and the shit-show that followed. He doesn't want to touch at it, and yet, before his sister's insisting eyes, his resolutions melt away. He lets it all out from the beggining, and she listens to him, without cutting or prying.
"Now," he finishes, "Sunghoon hyung will go back to his own place later today, I think he is still at the hospital right now. And as for Niki...," he sighs, "It seems complicated."
She sighs in sympathy, an older sister at heart, "Poor kid, it can't possibly be easy to go through all of this. He is lucky to have all of you."
"Well, mostly Jay hyung and Jake hyung," he can't hekp but say.
"Well these two are probably good because they can relate to him more," she admits, "but it doesn't change the fact that the rest of you are his friends, he needs all of you around. Just like Sunghoon."
Sunoo makes a face at that. It isn't voluntary, more of an instinctive reaction when he thinks back to the hospital and the chemistry of the others. He can't help but disagree with his sister. He must not be quick enough to hide his reaction, because her sister notices it.
"What's with that face?"
"Nothing," he shoves her concerns away with a wave of his hands. "Just— no, nothing to worry about."
But his sister wouldn't be his sister if she gave up that easily. She contemplates him with poorly hidden disbelief, before stating, "Yeah, no, I'm not buying it. It's too late, I want to know, now."
He tries to think of the best way to put his next words together. The confusing feelings he's discovered earlier today, apparently not completely foreign to him. He thinks back of the churning feeling in his guts whenever he saw the looks exchanged between Jungwon and Heeseung, as if they knew things he couldn't know of even if he tried his best. Of the way they seemed to connect with Sunghoon, as if they could read so far into his mind that he'd ease at Sunoo's questions, as if he thought of Sunoo as someone not to worry about when it came to these things. As if for him, Sunoo couldn't relate to him enough to worry the way they did and bring up the uncomfortable questions. As if he was simply a stranger that Sunghoon could answer to without precautions.
He wouldn't call it jealousy, even if it at times it felt dangeroulsy close to it. More like a general feeling of not fitting in.
"I don't know," he ends up saying, for a lack of better word. "You know, Sunghoon hyung got Heeseung hyung and Jungwon, and Niki got the two others. They can relate to each other, they know each other's fears and weaknesses. But me, I'm just— I'm just here, you know?"
He watches over the pedestrians walking by the window they are sitting next to.
"I worry about them, and I care about them, but it's kind of like I'm a complete stranger. I'm only a human," he whispers. "They don't need me as much as the others."
Sua looks like she's about to contradict him, but stops right at that moment. That's something Sunoo appreciates about his sister : she listens and thinks over everything he says before giving her input, considering things from all of the points of view before talking. It is another perk of siblinghood, he thinks, to have someone who isn't here to blindly agree with you, but is willing to look deeper into things so that they can give their true opinion without worrying about bringing uncomfortable points if necessary.
"That's bullshit," she ends up saying after a while. "Just because you don't have the same nature doesn't mean you can't try to understand them. Friendship isn't always about the people who can understand you right away, but those who will take the time to listen and try to put themselves in your shoes. Empathy is not impossible just because you are a human and they are vampires or werewolves."
She nudges at his hand so he looks up at her.
"I am not an idol, and God knows that I wouldn't want to live this life in my wildest dreams. But when you tell me about your hardships, I try to understand them and project myself to the best of my capacities. I listen to you and I care about you so naturally because you are my brother. Just because we live different lives doesn't mean we can't be close or talk to each other of our struggles, right? If it were the case, we'd just all be friends with our clones."
He considers her words. He wonders if they think of him the same way. Of a friend who is different but is willing to go lengths to understand them and help them out. If all of his worries and fears over them matter as much as the others'.
"Besides," she finishes, "sometimes, being 'just here' matters much more than the rest. Sunoo, believe me when I tell you this: I'm sure you are a wonderful friend."
He sure hopes so.
_________
A/N
Hi, hello!
We are welcoming two OCs into the story, what do we think? (they weren't supposed to be here at all but oh well, I like them!)
Sorry for the delay, as expected, uni has been kicking my ass. The start of the semester hasn't been exactly easy on me either. I've had some bad days, but I'm doing better now! (though for how long, with the finals coming, I don't know. but heyy, let's leave it for future me to deal with!).
This chapter wasn't easy to write at all, I was stuck in the worst kind of block because I didn't know how to introduce Sunoo's new emotions in there, so I hope I did a good job portraying it?
Thanks a lot for those who take time to comment, it makes my day really <33 The best way to support and help a writer is to tell them how the story is being perceived, so thank y'all
Let's see each other soon (hopefully!)
In the meantime, we can catch up on my tymblr! I'm literally dying to share fun facts and thoughts about this fic, so really, you're welcome on my blog!
Take care!