"What the fuck?" A wave of cold struck my body as the duvet on top of me was pulled to the ground, my vision distorted for a moment as my eyes flew open. It took a few seconds to comprehend that the body pressed against mine was Taylor's and I remembered where I was. Then I realised whose voice I had just heard.
"Oh shit," I said, practically leaping out of bed, "this looks really bad, doesn't it?" Taylor began to stir but as soon as her eyes fell onto the figure standing by the foot of the bed, she was wide awake. She glanced between us, processing the situation before she understood how we had just looked. Lizzie was stood with her fists clenched and her eyes were burning into me, demanding an explanation.
"I was having a bad night," Taylor insisted, "I don't know what you're thinking right now but I promise nothing happened." Lizzie didn't even give her a second look.
"Can you give us a moment please?" She asked. Taylor glanced at me with worry overflowing in her eyes before making her way out of the room, the sound of the door closing bringing several moments of deafening silence between us. It was then that it fully sunk in: Lizzie was in London. She was here.
"What are you doing here?" I questioned.
"Well, I was going to surprise my girlfriend on our anniversary but turns out she already has a much bigger surprise prepared for me." My heart sank. The situation with Taylor yesterday had made me completely forget about what I was supposed to be dealing with: our anniversary. And now she thought I was cheating on her.
"Lizzie, nothing happened," I said, "she was having a bad night. That's all. This is the first time she's been in my bed." She raised an eyebrow.
"And you felt the need to cuddle up together?" I frowned. Wasn't that an obvious way to comfort someone when they were sad, regardless of your relationship to them?
"It was platonic," I said, "and we weren't that close when we fell asleep. We must've moved closer together while we were sleeping." I completely understood why this would look bad from an outsider's perspective but I was telling the truth. There was nothing going on between me and Taylor, we were long past those days. "We're both in long term relationships, we would never hurt either of you like that. And she's straight." She snorted.
"She's straight?" I could feel my heartbeat hammering against my chest. At the most inconvenient of times, I would be reminded that she knew. She knew about that night.
"Taylor and I have talked about it." My first lie of the day. "We're past it, nothing would ever happen. You know that." There was desperation in my voice now. I couldn't let a misunderstanding ruin our anniversary or worse, our relationship. She sighed.
"You promise you're telling the truth?" Lizzie said. I felt a twinge of guilt. Except that one tiny lie, completely.
"I promise."
"Okay," she said, taking a deep breath, "I believe you. Just be careful in future, please?" I nodded. I completely saw where she was coming from and all her feelings were valid. At least we were able to communicate it and resolve it quickly. "Let's start again," she said, a smile replacing her tense expression as she pulled me into a hug. "I missed you so much."
"I missed you too," I said, wrapping my arms around her waist. Everything had happened so quickly and only now was I able to soak in the feeling of my girlfriend being in my arms instead of the other side of the world. Then I remembered that I hadn't got her an anniversary gift.
"Lizzie..." I hesitated, stepping back, "I had no idea you'd be here and I didn't know what to get you because we were so far apart so..."
"Hey, it's okay," she interrupted, squeezing my hand, "I didn't expect you to get me anything for obvious reasons. Just seeing you is the best gift I could ask for." She leaned forward and our lips connected, her movements drawing out the kiss to savor the sensations we hadn't shared for months. I cupped her face, staring into her eyes for a few moments just to make sure she was real.
"I can't believe you're here," I choked, "what time was your flight? You must be exhausted. Do you need to sleep?"
"I probably do but I don't want to waste any time with you," she said, kissing the top of my nose, "and I have to go back tomorrow. Let's just make the most of today." I debated whether I should be the sensible girlfriend and argue for her to go to bed or give in to her wishes but she spoke before I could come to a decision. "You should probably tell Taylor to go before we do anything else though." Of course, Taylor, I had nearly forgotten about her.
"Oh right. I'll be right back," I said before walking into the living room to find my best friend. She was sat on the sofa, fidgeting with her hands and staring out the window. She jumped up as soon as I entered the room.
"Y/n, I'm so sorry, is everything okay? I didn't mean to..."
"It's fine," I said, "we've spoken about it and she understands. She knows nothing happened. It wasn't your fault." I went over to her and gave her hand a reassuring squeeze, trying to ease the tension from out of her body. "Are you okay?" I said. Her eyes fell to the floor.
"I'm going to book an appointment with my therapist today," she mumbled.
"That's great," I said. I opened my arms, offering her a hug and after hesitating, she welcomed my embrace.
"It's all going to be alright," I said, "call me whenever you need to, okay? We're doing this together." She held me a little tighter.
"Okay." Her answer was short but I felt her unspoken words through her touch. It was never easy talking about your feelings or finding an answer to difficult statements but we'd known each other long enough to not have to use words between us. We just knew. We hugged for a little longer before I pulled away.
"This is a bit mean but I'm kind of going to have to kick you out now," I said. She chuckled.
"Offence taken," she joked, "I'll grab my clothes and then I'll leave you to it. Happy anniversary to you and Lizzie."
"Thank you," I said, before giving her another quick hug, "bye Taylor." After she left, it was just Lizzie and I in my apartment.
"So, what should we do today?" she said, sitting next to me on the sofa with a coffee in hand. There were dark circles under eyes and I assumed she was trying to get some energy from the caffeine. We planned out a generic day in London involving all the tourist attractions that didn't require us to book in advance. We also weren't able to do anything too crazy since Lizzie was living off three hours sleep.
We explored Camden Market for a few hours, buying each other gifts for our anniversary before catching the bus to Shoreditch in the afternoon. Even though they weren't really my thing, Lizzie wanted to see some of the museums there so I agreed just to make her happy. She had flown all the way to London to visit me after all, it was only fair if we did what she wanted.
Sadly, we couldn't see a West End show because you couldn't get a ticket on the day so I suggested we either go to SoHo or Brixton to finish off the day. However, Lizzie was too worn out at this point so we decided to just get dinner where we always did when we were in London. It was only just over a month ago since Taylor and I had walked this very same route to Wagamama, passing by the fountain we'd thrown our coins into.
"Oh look, there are coins in there!" Lizzie said, "we should make a wish." I hadn't told her about Taylor and I's tradition. If only she knew how many of my coins were at the bottom, holding onto the wisps of dreams I had once asked chance to grant. We both got out a penny and she threw her coin into the pool. "I wish that we'll have many more anniversaries to come after this." My heart was beating a little faster now and I nearly dropped the penny that was in my hand.
"Uh, I wish for the same thing," I said. I knew that there was no possibility a wish could come true if it was said out loud so our pennies had just gone to waste. But maybe that was just something Taylor and I made up. If my wishes had come true, she would've been the one. I shook my head. My feelings had died and I couldn't dig that grave up again, it was meant to be left alone. But even so, I couldn't help but think that it might've been fun if my wishes had come true. Sometimes I had the temptation to ask if it had been different, even one thing, what would my life look like today? I guess we'll never know.
As soon as we reached the door, Abby was there to greet us and lead us to the roof where we usually went. It was getting quite late and because winter was less than two months away, the outside temperature was harsh. But when you're a celebrity, you have to accept the life you chose. If we wanted privacy, we had to sit away from the public and that meant eating on the roof. Even though I would never complain about the inconveniences of celebrity life because I was beyond lucky to be where I was in life, it was obviously irritating at times.
"It's so nice to see you Elizabeth," Abby said, passing us our menus, "is Taylor not with you today?" Lizzie flashed me a look I couldn't identify.
"No, this is a date night. It's our anniversary," I said.
"Oh right, happy anniversary," she said.
"Thank you." As soon as Abby left, I expected Lizzie to question me but instead, she ignored the waitress' comment and started to read over the menu. I got what I usually ordered and after a few minutes, Lizzie had decided on her meal too.
"So, how's your film going?" I questioned her as our food arrived.
"Great," she said, "what about your album?"
"Good," I said, smirking a little, "do you have any Marvel spoilers for me?" She rolled her eyes.
"Just wait and see for yourself." I frowned. This wasn't usual for Lizzie. She always gave spoilers to any friends or family that asked. Why was this time any different? I decided to ignore her strange reaction. It couldn't mean anything, right? And even if it did, I wasn't going to push the subject and ruin our anniversary dinner. After all the tension that had been building between us since we became long-distance girlfriends, it was a miracle nothing had happened yet. "Well since we're alone and you're not busy, I can finally have this conversation with you." I nearly choked on my food. I knew this was too good to be true. I took a long sip of my wine. I was in for a long night.
"Conversation about what?" I said. She laughed.
"It's our four year anniversary and I've wanted to talk about this for ages," she said, waiting for me to catch up onto her words before sighing. "The next steps of our relationship." There was no way out of this now so I might as well be honest.
"Lizzie, I feel too young to be making big decisions like this," I said, finally giving in to her, "I'm twenty-seven. I know you're only a year older but we're on different maturity timelines and I'm not sure if I'm ready yet." She took a deep breath.
"So you're saying you don't want to marry me?"
"No, just not right now," I explained, "it's a lot, okay? Marriage is supposed to be forever. We need to be a hundred percent sure that's what we want." I saw her muscles stiffening.
"Four years hasn't been enough time for you to decide whether or not you want to marry me?" Why was this so hard to explain to her? It wasn't to do with her, I just wanted more time. More space to think through this decision.
"We don't need to get married," I said, "at the end of the day, it's only a few pieces of paper to me. That's always how I've felt and you know that."
"Yes but I also know you'd still love to have a wedding because it would be a celebration of our love," she snapped, "a declaration to the world that we love each other and we will forever." But there was still no need to rush into the process. And the thought of it still overwhelmed me. "Fine, forget about marriage for now. What about kids?" I made the fatal mistake of taking a sip of my drink just as she spoke, spitting out the liquid in shock. Was she serious? That was probably a hundred times worse than marriage.
"Let's save that conversation for when we're married," I said, wiping away the dribbles of wine on my face with a tissue.
"But why?" Was that not obvious?
"Kids are definitely forever and if I have any, they're being brought up in a happy, lasting marriage. If I'm not ready for marriage, I'm nowhere near ready for children." My words seemed to stir something up in her.
"What do you mean a 'happy, lasting marriage'? What have the last four years been to you?" That wasn't what I meant. Why couldn't I properly explain myself in this conversation?
"Elizabeth, I just want to be sure." She clenched her fists.
"Y/n, I swear to God if this is about your dad..." I pushed myself up off my seat. I was not going to engage in this conversation any longer if she was going to cross my boundaries. She knew I was uncomfortable discussing my dad at all times, never mind a public restaurant. She had gone too far.
"You had three hours of sleep on the plane," I said, "we should probably get home so you can go to bed. I'll go pay." She called after my name as I stormed away from her to find Abby and pay for our meal but I ignored her. I expected her to pester me on the way home but instead I was met by radio silence.
Silence that infects your body like a plague. That's what we settled for all the time, despite the imminent consequences and the breakdown looming ahead in the distance.
A/n - short chapter today because I split this chapter into two. But to make up for it, the second half will be out very soon. When would you like it? (the earliest I can get it out is tonight)
I don't really like this chapter but I hope ya'll do