Trees flew past the window as Tim drove well beyond the speed limit. There weren't many cops out near town limits so it was easy for him to get away with it. Tim tapped his fingers against the wheel as an Elvis song played on the radio. I wasn't the biggest fan but I didn't mind him too much. I was used to hearing him everywhere anyway so it wasn't much of a change.
Tim started talking to me as I kept my eyes trained on the objects passing by. I found staring out the window to be calming.
"You remember the rules?" Tim asked, his eyes flipping over towards me. He wanted to make sure I was listening to him and I was.
"Don't talk to no one. Don't look at anyone. Stay close to you. Don't cause any trouble. Don't let them know what we're doing." I named off like clockwork. This wasn't the first time nor would it be the last.
"Good girl." He praised and rubbed my head. It felt a little condescending although I did enjoy the touch.
Tim was driving us out to one of the many bars near the city limits of Tulsa. They played high stakes poker and pool, offering a good amount of money. Tim brought me along for one reason only, to count cards. It wasn't like I was a prodigy or nothing. I was just good at math and detecting patterns within the system. Tim liked to use that so once a month or so, he'd take me with him to these places. He'd sit me on his lap and have me count cards while I tapped his legs and gave him signals.
I should've been proud to do it. I was helping him. Tim and the gang only made so much from selling drugs and that usually went right back into getting more to keep it going and paying off some dangerous people. What was left wasn't enough to cover the mortgage not to mention putting groceries or bills on top of that. Our Ma and stepdad hardly did jack shit so it was up to Tim. Well sure our stepdad had a job but there wasn't always enough left over after he blew it on booze or drugs.
I hated doing this though. All of this. Not because I felt guilty about taking money. It was because I had to exaggerate my disability. Act like I was how everyone thought I was. If people looked down on me and thought little of me then we wouldn't get caught. Tim's plan of course and what else was I supposed to do besides go along with it?
Tim must've noticed my mood because he brushed the curls out of my face as his eyes went back to the road.
"Don't worry, babygirl. Everything will be alright and when we win, I'll buy you a stuffed animal. Okay?" He tried to speak softly with a gentle tone but he couldn't stop his roughness from coming through. I didn't even want a stuffed animal. I mean I like stuffed animals but it wasn't exactly a fair trade. Nor did I like him treating me like a baby. Even so I nodded.
"Okay, bubba." I pulled out my childhood nickname for him. He'd never admit it but I knew he liked it. It kept him calm as we didn't need his temper blowing up tonight. It'd ruin everything.
The outside of the bar was crawling with guys who set off immediate warning bells in my head. They were swapping stuff around. I couldn't see what but I could assume it was drugs. Tim parked the car and got out with me following him. He was quick to grab my hand and pull me closer. This place was dangerous and the guys were looking at me like a wolf looks at its prey. That wasn't assuring in any sense of the word. Even so Tim and I had done this a few different times before at different bars, I still couldn't help the odd swirling that occurred in my stomach.
The bouncer at the door, eyed Tim and I. Tim was a couple years short of turning twenty one and I looked twelve rather than fifteen. Although a baggie full of cocaine and some money was enough persuasion to let us in. The second we stepped inside, I could tell this wasn't a classy joint. Not like I had ever been inside one but I had read enough books to the point where my brain could imagine one. I was also pretty sure a classy place didn't have bullet holes in the floor and wall, broken glass, or a fight happening in the corner.
Tim didn't pay it any mind as he led me straight to the back to a poker table. I wasn't sure where he even heard about these games. I wasn't about to ask either. He'd probably just brush me off, tell me I didn't need to worry about it. Even though, I was the one he was using to make the money.
Tim sat down at the end of the table before pulling me onto his lap without a word. I kept my eyes casted downwards towards the table. That wasn't too much of a problem. That was the easy part of this whole operation. Immediately the other guys at the table noticed me.
"What's with the little girl? Couldn't find a babysitter?" One of the them asked. His voice sounded thick with an accent I couldn't quite place but I could guess southern or appalachian. I didn't look at his face but I saw his knuckles were tattooed. It looked horribly done though.
"Don't worry about it." Tim replied bitterly, donning a meaner voice. I had a feeling he was glaring at the the guy while holding me tighter. I did as I was supposed and started rocking back and forth on his lap and making humming noises as I jerked more than I usually did.
I felt gross playing into everyone's assumptions. Especially acting like this when this wasn't how my autism actually affected me. It felt wrong even though I knew I was doing it for my family. It worked, I could hear the men around us snickering and making comments. One guy made a comment to his friend that made me want to shrink back but I had to pretend like I didn't understand.
"Think the tough guy would let me have my way with the little retard if I paid him?" One of the older guys joked to his friend. It was a whisper so I doubt Tim heard it but I did. If Tim had heard it then this night would've ended in a bloody mess before the poker game even started. Memories flooded my brain and I had force them away as quickly as I could.
The comments started to die down once the game actually started. I watched the cards get passed out and stared at Tim's hand. I couldn't do much mental math as it was the beginning of the game but considering the two aces in our corner, it wasn't looking bad. As I kept my sight on the cards, Tim watched everyone else. Tim could do what I couldn't and that was read people. He was good at watching for tells and seeing who was bluffing and what not.
As we got deeper into the game, that's when our signals started. It mostly consisted of patting Tim's thigh a certain number of times or in a pattern. Basically it was my way of telling him his chances and how much he should bet without really telling him. I was still keeping up the act that I was nothing more than his disabled little sister that couldn't think for herself. A alternate personality that didn't hold much truth to it yet the men around us were eating it up.
I continued to count cards as the guys around use scoffed as Tim won. I patted his leg, telling him he needed to ease up so there was no ounce of suspicion. As the game continued, one of the guys who was no clearly drunk reached out to touch me. I never understood why people where so keen on trying to touch me. Especially when they saw I was disabled. Was that a thing? I remember there used to be a guy in a wheelchair who lived close by. People were always keen on touching him and not a normal amount. What was the thought process? That they could heal us or something?
I had to force myself not to jerk back as his hand drew closer. Thankfully Tim noticed and grabbed his wrist without looking up from his cards.
"Don't. Fucking. Touch. Her." Tim warned as he harshly let go of the guy's wrist. He was probably holding back from jumping across the table and punching the dude. Even so the drunk man seemed to ignore what my brother was saying.
"She's not too bad looking for a 'tard." He slurred his words as he went to touch me again. He stopped short when Tim lifted up his shirt to show the heater tucked into his waistband.
Tim didn't say anything though. He kept silent, warning the guys with a simple action and possibly an evil eye. He'd use that gun too. I knew he wasn't afraid to use it.
The guy eyed the gun before sitting back down in his seat. Tim made sure everyone else saw it before pulling back down his shirt. He pulled me closer and kissed my head gently. I went back to watching the cards as he gave me some soft praise like I was a trained animal that performed a trick perfectly. I knew it was just an act. I knew it was for show. Even so...it still made me feel shitty.
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Tim was boasting about the money we won as he drove us back home. Personally I was surprised we got out of there without a fight breaking out. Occasionally there was always someone who didn't take too kindly to losing.
"I'm real proud of you, babygirl. Thanks to that brain of yours, we'll have it all covered this month," He said as he ruffled my hair again. His touch felt nice but it didn't wash away my dirty feelings. Tim must've noticed, "You alright?"
I knew Tim wanted me to say yes. He cared but feelings and dealing with it wasn't his strong suit. He learned to bury his long ago, after our dad died and mom became more of an addict then she already was. That's when he got saddled with his younger siblings. Don't get me wrong, he'd tried to comfort me. Although he was a bit inexperienced as he knew three things, hug, kiss, and threaten violence against those who harmed me. Not awful but not always what I was looking for.
Anyway, I just nodded. It was always easier to lie than try to explain how I was feeling. Feelings and emotions were hard and so complex for no reason. Maybe if I was normal I'd understand them better. I wasn't normal though so I did what I did. Bury and change the topic.
"Y-yeah. I'm fine, bubba. I-I was just wondering....why don't you ever bring Curly along?" I asked, trying to bite back my pauses and stuttering. I it didn't seem like Tim noticed as he sighed.
"Curly isn't like you and you know that. I don't just mean in the sense that he's not autistic. He ain't smart like you. You can do all that shit with numbers," Tim complimented me with a smile before continuing, " 'sides, kid's impulsive. I don't need to be babysitting both of you."
My body tensed when he called it babysitting. I didn't need to be babysat. I could very easily take care of myself. Sure, I didn't always understand certain things. I could admit to that however it didn't mean I was completely helpless. I wanted to chime in but Tim kept talking.
"It's enough making sure you don't say the wrong thing. Especially in those situations. That's why it's better for you to play into it a little more. Besides who would suspect a severely autistic little girl?" He continued on, turning to me. I bit my tongue and told him what he wanted to hear.
"No one, bubba." I forced a smile too as I looked towards his direction. That earned me another rub on my head.
The rest of the drive was quiet and calm as the radio softly played. I rocked in my seat over and over until we arrived back home. The lights in the living room were still on. That wouldn't have worried me if it hadn't been for my step dad's shitty car in the driveway. I heard Tim sigh as he turned off his car. We both kind of just stared at our house for a minute.
Even in the dark, it looked like an eyesore. Faded brick, broken concrete path, overgrown yard and weeds, and so much more. Guess it wasn't uncommon especially in this neighborhood. I guess I had noticed it was common this side of town. Either the people didn't have enough time to fix it up between their several jobs or they just didn't care enough. Our situation was the latter.
It felt like the two of us were just preparing ourselves at this point. Tim got out first and came to the passenger side. He scooped me up in his arms, whispering in my ear.
"Pretend to be asleep." He ordered as he adjusted me with a bounce. I did as he asked, slumping against him and shutting my eyes. I was less likely to get hit if I was thought be sleeping. The chances weren't zero but I couldn't accused of causing trouble by Ma or our step dad Ed.
Tim carried me inside the front door, right into the living room. The television was blaring, making me want to reach up to cover my ears but I had to stop myself. I kept my eyes shut tight but I could assume there were beer bottles scattered on the coffee table with Ma and Ed on the couch. I heard a grunt as someone got up.
"What's the retard doing out of her room?" Ed questioned, slurring his words. Ed thought I oughta stay in my room at all times. Coming out when they were home meant the chance of getting beaten for just existing.
Tim tightened his grip on me, setting a steadying hand against my head. He knew if he kept me closer, I had less of chance of getting pulled away from him.
"Don't worry about it," Tim retorted as he went to walk past Ed. Ed tried to grab at me but Tim angled his body and turned me away before he could, "Don't touch her."
Ed and Tim seemed to have a stare of before Ed chuckled darkly. Tim was probably giving him his scariest look but didn't matter. Ed was drunk enough where he could get run over by a bus and still be laughing.
"You like acting tough huh boy? You forget your place," Ed got closer. Tim and Ed were roughly about the same height but Ed was a bit thicker and broader. They were similar in muscle though. "This is my damn house. If I wanna touch my step daughter and give her the discipline she deserves, I very well can."
Tim's grip tightens on me even more so. He's trying to make sure I can't be ripped from his grip so easily. Ed was trigger happy or I guess you could say belt happy in this sense. He'd find any excuse to use it on any of us. It felt like he had even more reasons for me. If I talked to loud, ate too much, knocked something over, and plenty more reasons. It was very clear that Ed hated me. That's why I stayed limp against Tim like I was sleeping.
With Ma not talking, I could assume she was still watching. She was strung out. I couldn't see her but I knew it. She was rarely ever sober anymore. It was kind of surprising that she didn't chime in. Not to defend me, to encourage my step dad instead.
"Sit your ass back down, Ed or see what happens." Tim warned as he began to walk away. Ed hurled insults at his back, commanding him to come back. Tim of course didn't. Before we got to Curly and I's room, Ed tried once more to get a rise out of Tim.
"You think you're real tough huh Tim? You're a pathetic dropout eighteen year old still living in my house!" Ed shouted at Tim's back. Tim paused, possibly wanting to go back to take a swing at Ed. He had our daddy's temper.
Only reason Tim didn't was because I was in his arms. He just opened the bedroom door and carried me inside with him. He sat me on his bed and sat next to me.
"Don't worry about him, babygirl. Ed's a fucking idiot," He praised, gently rubbing my back. "You won't have to worry about him for much longer. Once I save up enough, I'll get us a place of our own."
I paused as I listened to his words. Tim always talked about moving us. Pretty sure me and all my siblings wanted to get out of here but I got hung up on one of his words.
"Us?" I curiously asked as I looked towards him. Tim replied with a chuckle and kissed my head.
"You're coming with me. I can't just leave my baby sister behind." He pulled me close as I processed his words.
"W-what about Curly a-and Angela?"
"They'd be fine. Curly's an idiot but he's tough and Angela can take care of herself. You're different. You need me way more than they do. Who is else is gonna take care of you?" Tim's words kind of hurt. He knew I was intelligent enough to do well in school but he didn't believe for a second that I could take care of myself.
I bit my lip and forced a smile. I knew calling him out would just lead down a rabbit hold of him listing off why he didn't think I could survive. I knew all connected back to my autism. Guess I don't know what I expected.
"Yeah. Right, bubba. Just you and me." I say as I lay against him. I feel his arms wrap around me as he rubs my back. My smile falters once I'm sure he can't see my face.
I considered his plan. It'd be easier to just go along with him. It meant I'd get out of here. Even so I wish he could see me like I saw myself. Yeah I was autistic but just like him, I was a Shepard. I was tough like a Shepard needed to be. Even if Tim didn't see that.