I don't know what expected when I met up with Ponyboy that next day. I guess I expected to get to know him on my own but of course, I was wrong.
"You know, you didn't have to come along." I played with my fingers as I spoke. I moved my pointer finger forward and backward over and over in a calming pattern.
"Dumb of you to think we'd let you go anywhere alone," Curly replied, rolling his eyes at me like my sentence was the stupidest thing he'd ever heard. My brothers figured I couldn't be trusted on my own. They thought it wasn't safe for me. Tim especially thought I was too innocent and naive, "Besides, Ponyboy is my buddy."
"Right, because you guys have a great track record for doing smart things together. How's the cigarette burn healing?" I teased with a smirk. I knew it had scarred and that Tim had practically whupped Curly into next week
Curly didn't answer immediately but rather shoved me to the side. It wasn't that much of a shove though. I've seen him actually shove people as hard as he could and send them flying. This was more of a not so friendly warning push. Nothing strong enough to knock me off my feet but enough to throw off my balance.
"Don't make me kick your ass." Curly warned as he tried to don as intimidating kind of look. Well it probably would've been more intimidating if I was actually looking at him. Even so his threat made me laugh a bit. It would've scared most other people I guess but it was hard when someone who was afraid of hurting you too bad threatens you.
"Oh no I'm terrified," I responded, knocking my shoulder with his. My impact barely made him move which wasn't surprising. I was smaller than he was. "That was sarcasm by the way."
"Yeah, I'm aware, Ray." He rolled his eyes once more but I couldn't sworn I saw a smile on his face. He usually had one when we hung out. We got along real well being twins and all.
The walk to the lot was a slow one. I wasn't sure why we hung out there so much. It wasn't like it was anything special. It was just an abandoned construction site. Greasers didn't have too many hangouts though. Sure there was Jay's and The Dingo although I wasn't exactly supposed be at those places at least not alone. They weren't very safe either.
As Curly and I came up on the Lot, I could see Ponyboy sitting on the grass reading. A few questions flew through my mind, many being what he was reading and did he like it? Other ones were curious about if his older brothers trusted him to be out on his own. I know my brothers sure didn't. Maybe he didn't listen to what they said. Maybe I oughta start doing that.
Curly was fast to greet Ponyboy and I lagged behind a bit. I watched my hands flap for a minute before forcing myself to stop by pinning one hand with the other. People stare when I couldn't control my hands. I didn't want Ponyboy to stare at me. Although when he turned to me, he didn't stare, he smiled. Like he was happy to see me.
"Hey," Pony said with his light voice. I lifted my head a bit and smiled back. His sight stayed before he pulled his eyes to Curly instead, "What do you guys wanna do?"
Curly answered before I could even get the words to sound right in my head.
"Cause some trouble. The guy at the Five and Dime doesn't notice if you lift a thing or two." Curly said as he started to lead the way. Ponyboy and I were quick to follow him. Curly had that kind of energy to urged you to follow him. It wasn't as strong as Tim's energy but it was close.
"I don't know, Curly. I can't get in trouble with the cops." Ponyboy replied as he caught up to Curly on his left side while I took his right.
"Don't be a pussy, Pones," Curly said, his voice a little harsh. It was interesting watching how fast he could switch up especially when he wasn't talking to me. "-'sides if you work fast, we won't get caught."
Like a lot of the other Shepard gang, Curly liked stealing. I figured he thought of it kind of like a game. The more he could get away with, the better hood he was. The idea of getting caught didn't scare him. He liked the idea of trouble. It was as if it gave him a high of some kind. I didn't get the same thing but I knew it was good at it. Hard to not be when everyone else around me does it. You learn a thing or two.
Ponyboy went quiet but didn't say no. Maybe he was afraid of Curly. He was taller and bigger than Ponyboy. He wasn't the type of guy that people liked to argue with. At least anyone smaller or weaker than him.
"It'll be okay," I found myself assuring him as I moved to Ponyboy's side instead of Curly's, "It's easy. Curly's also right, guy at the counter wouldn't notice."
Even if Ponyboy didn't believe me, it was too late. We were already walking up to the shop with Curly leading the way. He kept his shoulders straight and his head up. He had a whole confident walk about him that spelt out trouble. Trouble that both Ponyboy and I wanted to avoid yet here we were, following my brother. Not like we had much of a different choice.
The clerk at the counter was a middle man with amber colored hair that was starting to secede from his forehead. He had coke bottle type glasses and oddly unsymmetrical face. He lifted his attention from the newspaper we were reading as we walked in but his attention quickly faltered. That was a large mistake on his part.
Curly didn't wait for a second. His fingers worked quick, snatching something up and shoving it into his jeans or his leather jacket. Personally I still thought it was too warm out for a jacket but that didn't stop Curly. Ponyboy just watched Curly steal stuff, his eyes flipping to me. I shrugged, my neck twitching a bit when our eyes connected. A quickly looked away and shoved some Skittles in my pocket. I watched Ponyboy's apprehensive look turn into a small smile as he shoved some candy bars into his pocket as well.
Once the three of us got out pick, Curly gestured with his neck and the three of us walked out. We walked a bit away before we found ourselves in the park. Curly emptied his pockets and jackets on a bench. He managed to get some chips, smokes, a can of coke, and a couple other miscellaneous items. Ponyboy and I followed suit although our stash was significantly smaller.
"You guys really know how to pull your weight huh?" Curly snorted as he spotted what little Ponyboy and I had stolen. He flipped open the carton of cigarettes and stuck one in his mouth before offering one to Ponyboy.
Ponyboy took the cigarette and went to get one for me before Curly popped the top closed. He lit both his and Ponyboy's cigarette before he spoke again.
"Ray don't smoke." Curly said with a shrug as he sat on the top of the bench. He took a drag of his cigarette, blowing the smoke out into the air.
As my brother and his friend smoke, I just ate the candy off to the side. I felt like a third wheel despite the fact that I was the one invited and Curly wasn't. Usually it was the other way around though. I scared off a lot of people when I first met them. I couldn't blame them. I was a lot to take in sometimes.
Ponyboy nursed his cigarette for a minute before turning to me. Despite looking at me, he didn't speak until after a beat. Almost like he was testing the words in his head.
"Why don't you like looking at faces? Does having autism make them look distorted or something?" He asked, his voice was filled with curiosity. I also noticed he was looking towards me but wasn't trying to make eye contact.
I thought about his question for a minute. No one had ever asked me like that. No one ever really asked me why before.
"I-it just.....it feels wrong. T-they look like faces b-but looking at them....a-at least straight at them makes me feel wrong. It's like a burning crushing feel deep inside that just makes y-you....you know...like wanna rip your skin off. T-That probably doesn't make a lot of sense but...it's the best way to describe." I describe as I rock back and forth on the bench, my palm is rubbing against my leg as I do.
Ponyboy notices me rocking and I can see his cheeks redden out of the corner of my eye. I looked away, wondering if I perhaps said something wrong.
"Are you rocking because you're uncomfortable? I'm sorry-" Ponyboy started to apologize before Curly interrupted him.
"Ray rocks. That's just what she does. She rocks, twitches, jerks, says stuff that doesn't always make sense. Just how she is." Curly seemed overly tired of this conversation despite it just starting. He didn't like really talking about the fact that I had autism. At least not like there was something wrong with me. Curly was overprotective like that. I guess he saw people asking questions about my autism as a problem. He figured it should've ended at just saying I had autism. I didn't mind questions though.
Ponyboy awkwardly turns away as he seemed to detect Curly's annoyance. He looked to be trying to avoid pissing Curly off. Ponyboy may have been Curly's friend but I knew Curly wasn't above throwing the first punch if he felt it was necessary.
Curly finished his cigarette and flicked it on the ground, not bothering to stomp it out. He turned to me and jerked his head in one direction. Unlike my neck jerks though, this was on purpose.
"Come on, I told the guys I'd meet up with them." He announced, planning to leave without a goodbye to Ponyboy. Curly could be a mean like that if you manage to piss him off enough. It was just below his threatening someone threshold.
I started to get up. I was used to having to follow my brothers around. Tim's whole rule of go with one of them or stay home. Even so, I paused and thought about what I wanted. I wanted to stay and talk to Ponyboy.
"Okay. You can go." I say as I sit back down next to Ponyboy. His eyebrows raised and his eyes widened a bit, surprised by my actions.
Curly paused and glared at me a bit. He also seemed surprised by my actions. Usually I followed him without any complaints. A part of him cared about my safety about being without him or Tim or one of the guys. Another part probably worried about what Tim would do to him if he found out Curly left me.
"You know I ain't supposed to leave you alone." He reminded a little harshly. He kept his voice low though as if to avoid Ponyboy hearing.
"I won't be alone. I'll be with Ponyboy," I forced myself to look up at his face, putting on my best puppy dog eyes. Not my favorite thing to do however I knew it worked, "Come on, I'll be fine. I ain't gonna tell Tim and you won't either."
I learned long ago that Curly would always be easier to convince than Tim was. Curly at least understood me a little bit better. Perhaps far deep down, even he wanted me to have my own freedom which just translated into not having to drag me everywhere with him.
"Fine whatever. Just stick with Ponyboy and don't do anything stupid," Curly slowly nodded as he turned to Ponyboy. "...and Pony, if anything happens to my sister, I'm not gonna be happy. Ya dig?"
Ponyboy was quick to nod and mumble a yeah. Curly gave me a friendly push on my head before leaving. I watched him leave for a second before turning back to Ponyboy.
"I'm sorry. I-I don't think he means to come off as an ass. H-he.....he just doesn't like when...you know...people ask too many questions about me. I don't mind though." I shrugged, trying to show him there were no hard feelings. It would make our hangout rather awkward if there were, "If you have more...just ask."
With Curly gone and with my assurance, I noticed Ponyboy's shoulders slowly relax. He turned back towards me and even scooted a little closer. I kept eye contact with his chest so he knew I was looking at him.
"How long have you, well, known?" Ponyboy asked softly. I realized I liked the way he spoke and annunciated his words. It put me weirdly at ease. That was rare. I was usually on guard with most strangers but it felt like Ponyboy was like me in more ways than one.
"I was diagnosed when I-I was eight. Of course school has to practically b-beg my parents to get m-me tested. Wasn't until a-after they offered to pay for I-it that they did. L-low and behold, they said I-I had it." I explained softly as I rocked back and forth. My fingers gripping the bench to keep myself steady.
"Your stutter isn't as bad. You're not pausing as much." Ponyboy pointed out softly.
"Yes. T-talking is hard, at least when trying to formulate my t-thoughts into speech. It gets worse when I'm around new people. It's easier with people I know. Easier with you." I stated matter of factly as my palm rubbed against my cheek.
The two of us didn't stay in the park long before we continued walking. I wasn't exactly sure where we were going but I didn't mind too much. I liked us talking.
"So Ray, uh....w-why aren't you in..." Ponyboy trailed off as he watched me play with my hands. It was as if he decided late he shouldn't ask what he wanted. Even so I knew what he was trying to say.
"Why aren't I in an institution?" I asked for clarification and saw his head shyly nod as he went to apologize. I spoke before he did, "C-certain institutions can cost t-too much. N-not to mention my M-Ma didn't want her c-church friends looking down on her b-because she couldn't handle her kids or s-something."
Ma's way of handling was either hitting me herself or getting my step dad to do it. Not exactly a shining light in her corner but it wasn't like it was uncommon in the neighborhood.
"Don't feel bad. It was a good question however you don't seem happy with this topic anymore. Would you like to switch?"
I asked and Ponyboy nodded. I couldn't read his face however I did learn silence often meant someone was uncomfortable. I made people go silent a lot. At least according to Tim.
As per his unsaid request, we switched. The topic at hands was books and I could tell this was quite the interest of Ponyboy's. He talked with a smile about everything he's read, what he likes, and all that. It was nice seeing someone get excited about stuff like I did. I didn't see that much. It was kind of like I was just talking to another version of me. Well not exactly another version but he was close enough. It felt like he didn't just see my autism, he saw who I was underneath the diagnosis. That was rare.
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Between our conversation about books and authors, we stumbled upon a DX. It a gas station and whole car service station.
"My brother Sodapop works here. Have you met him?" Ponyboy asked, putting our conversation over books on pause.
"Not formally. I've seen him around a-and all that. Just never spoke. I know h-he doesn't like Curly." I look down towards the cigarette burn scars on Ponyboy's fingertips. It was obvious at which point Sodapop's hate grew for my brother.
Ponyboy followed my eyes and flexed his fingers, staring at the scars as well. They had healed well for only be a month or so old. It would still take a bit for them to fully fade though.
"Soda just cares about me a lot." Ponyboy shrugged off. I noticed he didn't make much of a move to defend Curly beyond subtext. Which was completely understandable. It was obviously Curly's idea to play chicken. He liked showing how tough he was even if it also showed how much of an idiot he was.
Ponyboy and I headed into the DX. It looked to be in a quiet lull as we were two of three customers inside. Steve finished serving a lady at the counter when he spotted Ponyboy. He didn't look exactly thrilled to see him or me to be honest.
"I ain't giving you nothing for free kid." Steve announced, seemingly already guessing what Ponyboy was here for. He didn't seem to like him very much for reasons beyond me.
Ponyboy just ignores Steve and leans over the counter, lifting himself up onto his palms. I can tell he's trying to peek into the garage.
"Where's Soda?" He asked curiously, still trying to catch a glimpse. Steve gave a simple push to his chest, getting him off the counter.
"He's busy," Steve responds and despite pushing Ponyboy back, Steve grabs his shirt collar and pulls him forward. I can feel his eyes on me so I pretend I'm looking at stuff. I'm gotten good at pretending I'm not listening, "What the hell are you doing messing around Tim Shepard's baby sister."
"Her name is Ray." Ponyboy said softly as he tried to break free from Steve's grasp to no avail.
"It doesn't matter what her name is. What are you doing along with her? Are you fixing to get the gang in trouble?" Steve questioned, shaking Ponyboy a bit.
"We've whipped them before in a fight, it-" Ponyboy was cut off before he could finish his sentence.
"That's not the damn point!" Steve raised his voice as he eyed me cautiously. Personally I was more curious how no one heard the yelling. "We've whipped them in fair fist fights but a war with them is a whole other thing. Especially if it comes out that you hurt their princess. That's what she is. Princess of the whole fucking gang."
My face scrunched up a bit at the title. Princess of the Shepard gang. Sure the title offered protection of sorts but also brought a ball and chain of rumors and assumptions. I wasn't even involved in the gang. Tim just brought me along and they all knew me. Nothing more than that. I didn't dare utter a word though. I didn't need anyone to think I was listening.
Ponyboy finally managed to free himself with a hard push. He adjusted his shirt collar as he tried not to make it obvious he was looking at me.
"Alright. I get it. We won't do nothing," Ponyboy starts backing away from the counter as he comes closer towards me. "Tell Soda I stopped by."
Ponyboy starts to leave the DX and I follow behind him. I can feel Steve's eyes on us until we're out the door. Ponyboy doesn't say anything though as we walk away. He's quiet. Despite liking quiet this quiet feels...wrong in a sense. A calm before a storm. My hands flap and my neck jerks. I think I know what's coming so it's better that I start first.
"I-It's okay," I start, assuming he might apologize for what Steve said. That is if he thought I heard it but I was going with the feeling that he did, "People can be...t-timid around me."
"Why are they scared of you?" Ponyboy questioned as he walked us off path and into a creek bed kind of area. I couldn't help but laugh a little at his question.
Scared? Of me? I was maybe five foot three and I weighed a hundred and twenty pounds soaking wet. I was far from intimidating especially with my rocking and smile I often wore at least around the gang and my brothers. Even so I could see where Ponyboy was coming from.
"They're not scared of me. T-They're scared of Tim. Gang too. P-Probably even Curly but Tim mostly. H-he's....protective. T-threatens people i-if he doesn't like how people t-treat me or even look at me." I explain as memories of my older brother's protective nature flood my brain.
"Are you scared of him?" Ponyboy wondered aloud. It was a basic question and I knew what everyone expected...and it wasn't the answer I gave.
"No," I said softly. I gently splashed at the creek water with my foot, watching the ripples fan out. "M-maybe because he's my b-brother. M-maybe it's because h-he treats me l-like I'm the most precious thing around. I-I know how v-violent he can be though. I-I know the trouble h-he likes causing. T-thats why D-Dally and him get along."
"Dally ain't all that bad." Ponyboy tried to say but we both knew it wasn't true. It was like he trying to convince himself more than me.
"Y-yeah. Yeah he is.....I-I've seen t-them. Dally and Tim, t-they feed off each other. D-do bad things. T-Tim'll beat u-up someone w-who said t-the wrong thing a-and Dally will join j-just for fun." I noticed my stutter coming back worse as we talked about Dally and Tim. The topic caused memories to flood my brain. Times when I saw things I shouldn't have seen.
Ponyboy stays quiet after that and we just follow the creek. It's the bad quiet again. It was hard to come back from a conversation like that so I just let the quiet stay. I kept following behind Ponyboy, only pausing to pick up a lone garter snake. I settled it on my shoulders, content with its feeling. I felt bad for causing this awkward tension of sorts. I stayed silent until I started to notice our surroundings as we started to come out of the creek. Everything looked fancier. Nicer cars, houses, no graffiti on the buildings or if there was, it was cleaned up.
"Uh Ponyboy," I started to say, trying to find the words. The snake around my shoulders must've sensed my tension as it's lower half curled around my arm.
"No Ray. It's fine. You're right. I-I know Dally isn't the best guy but y-you don't him like I do. He ain't really that bad once you get to know him." Ponyboy rambled on. He still sounded like he was convincing himself more than me.
"Ponyboy-" I tried again only to be cut off a second time."
"I get it. You've probably seen him at his worst with Tim. I-I guess I don't know how he acts around him. They probably feed off each and Tim pushes him," Ponyboy continued. It wasn't until I grabbed his arm and forced him to stop that he got a good look around. "Shit."
"We need to go." I announced as I started to make my way back towards the creek.
A familiar squeal of tires made me stop in my path. Out of the corner of my eyes I saw a nice looking blue Camaro. There looked to be maybe five guys in the car. This wasn't good. The logical thing would be to run before they get too close but it seemed Ponyboy wouldn't budge. It was like he wanted to act tough as if he wasn't afraid of being outnumbered.
Ponyboy seemed to be acting heroically as he pushed me behind him like how the gang or my brothers would. He didn't have the same air of confidence to him. Nor the lack of fear. The yearning for a fight. None of that. It was kind of sweet though. Only known me for a day and half and already he wanted to protect me. I couldn't fault him for it but even if he was a good fighter, he couldn't take on five guys.
The two of us watched as the guys got out of the car. They looked like a coordinated group with their polo shirts and khaki pants. One wore a lettermen jacket, clearly for something sports related. He seemed like the leader of this group as he spoke first, eyeing Ponyboy and I.
"Look what we have here boys," The lettermen jacket's voice was rough. Kind of like dragging something metal over a pile of rocks. "A couple greasers on our turf."
I kept my eyes tilted towards the ground as my hands flapped. My free hand stroked the snakes scales, wanting to focus on the texture. I tried to calm my rocking and neck jerking but I could only do so much. The boys noticed and smirked.
"Check it out. Greaseball is hanging with a retard." One wearing a red polo snorted. I had the word a million times already but it still bothered me. That's all anyone ever saw.
"Guess you can't blame em. They got the same IQ." The lettermen jacket chimed back in, joining in the laughter. My cheeks felt hot as Ponyboy kept me behind him.
"You guys better let us go if you know what's good for you." Ponyboy warned. He deepened his voice and stood a bit taller despite being a tad shorter than the boys.
"Yeah? And why would we do that?" The lettermen jacket questioned as the boys started to close in on us. I saw his eyes looking me up and down, settling on my chest. I felt my complexion pale. I knew that look. I recognized it. It wouldn't happen again. I can't let it happen again.
In my panic, I took the snake from the shoulders and threw it the guys. I didn't dare wait for his reaction, I grabbed Ponyboy's arm and started to run. Thankfully Ponyboy got the hint and started to run alongside me as we heard the guys scream. I didn't care if it was a scream of pain or surprise. I had to do it. I had to. If one of them were bitten, they wouldn't die but it would give us enough of a distraction to get away.
When Ponyboy and I were sure we were at a safe distance, we slowed down. My heart felt like it was beating out of my chest and I could feel the overstimulation start to set in. I set down by the side of the creek bed and began to rock. Ponyboy watched me and slowly sat next to me. He went to set a hand on my shoulder but I pulled away.
"No touch." I said softly. I played with my fingers for what felt like the millionth time today. I didn't wanna have a meltdown in front of Ponyboy. I didn't want him to see me like that. Then he'd probably see me how everyone else did. As a freak.
Ponyboy didn't say anything before a small laugh escaped his lips. He turned to me with a smile.
"Did you see his face when you threw the snake at him?" He spoke between laughs as he continued to image the face of the freaked out Soc.
Before I knew it, I was laughing too. Slowly but surely my stressful flapping turned into a happy flapping. I may have not liked looking at faces but even I had to admit that looking at his expression was funny.
I didn't know how to put it into words but...I felt sort of warmer inside with Ponyboy. Especially after he didn't look at me strangely when I was freaking out but rather tried to calm me down and make me laugh. As the two of us got up and started to head home, I was content with our day. Here's to hoping Curly doesn't rat me out.