I don't know how long I've been sitting on the back porch when my mom comes out of the house and asks me if I want anything to eat. I shake my head and she hesitates for a moment before leaving. I hear her talking to my dad in the kitchen. Their voices are muffled behind the closed window, so I can't exactly make out their words. Not that I care, anyway. Lately I'm sure all they can talk about is how much of a fuck up their only child is. I feel like I've done nothing but disappoint them. It falls silent in the house and I decide that I'm done wallowing in my self pity for now. I stand up and walk into the house, nearly having a heart attack when my dad yanks me into a bear hug.
He wraps his arms around me and for whatever reason, I completely lose it. I break down and start bawling. He picks me up like he used to when I was little. I can't believe he can still do it. I cry as he carries me all the way up to my bedroom, setting me down gently on top of my bed. He pulls the covers over me and brushes his hand through my messy hair. I don't want to open my eyes. I'm tired of everyone looking at me like I'm broken. He wipes away one of my tears with his thumb.
"Don't cry, Tara... Don't cry." He says quietly.
I sniffle and wipe at my eyes. I finally dare to look at him. He's frowning down at me, but he isn't looking at me like I'm some sort of helpless child. Sure, there's concern on his face. But he isn't seeing me as wounded.
"What's been going on with you, kiddo? I'm worried. This isn't like you." Dad wants to know.
"I don't know," I lie, shaking my head, "It's stupid."
"Obviously it isn't, if it's got you so worked up. You've never acted out the way you have in the past few months. If there's something going on, I want you to know that you can talk to me. I don't want you feeling like you have to hide things from me." He says.
I inhale deeply through my nose, "I messed up... Really bad."
"Oh god," Dad says quietly.
"What? What's wrong?" I ask, my eyes widening.
"You're not pregnant, are you?" He asks with terror in his eyes.
I do everything in my power to stifle my laughter, "No, Dad. I'm not pregnant."
"Thank goodness. I would've ripped Jay's head off. Or any other kid for that matter," My dad says, cracking his knuckles.
"Dad, it's not about a boy... I'm gay," I tell him, noticing how quickly my mouth has gone dry.
It's silent for a moment. Neither of us say a word or even look at each other. I'm worried that I've said the wrong thing, that I've done it at the wrong time. My heart rate starts to climb until to my relief, he bursts out laughing.
"What's so funny?" I ask, my brows drawing closer together in confusion.
"I just," He catches his breath, "I just can't say I'm surprised. I can't even act surprised, really."
"What? What do you mean?" I frown.
"Tara, I've known that you were gay since you were a toddler. I was waiting on you to come out. I didn't think it'd take this long, to be completely honest. I think I was more confused than you were when you started dating Jay. I don't know why you stayed with him as long as you did. I've always known." He chuckles as he explains in a very matter-of-factly tone.
"W-What?! All this time, you've known? Then how come you've always asked about boys?!" I demand, sitting up.
"I guess I was just trying to give you a nudge to tell me. But, boy, you sure have an iron will. I think you get that from your mom's side." Dad teases, causing me to fold my arms and glare at him, "Look, in my defense, you made it pretty clear to us. You used to wear my neckties when you and your friends would play house. You would always be the dad."
We both begin to laugh and I roll my eyes, "Oh my god."
"So, back to more pressing matters... How did you mess up? What happened?" My dad asks, returning to his more serious self.
"Well, uh..." I awkwardly begin, "I met a girl... And she's Jay's sister. Her name is Ellie."
"Okay," He nods, as if I'm supposed to continue.
"I wanted to make things work and so did she. But I fucked it all up, Dad. I thought I could fix it... But I saw her with someone else." I explain, trying not to get choked up.
My dad thinks about it for a moment, "Now... I'm no love-guru. But I've been married to your mother for twenty years now. And those twenty years have been the absolute best of my life. During them, I've learned a lot of things. I've learned to take every chance you're given to do something. Whether you use that chance to fix something, or change something, or just to keep things the way they are, you should take it. It might be hard... But you should at least talk to her."
"You're right," I say as I sweep the blankets back and get out of bed.
"Thank you, Dad." I smile and give him a hug.
He squeezes me tight, "You're welcome, Tara. I'm proud of you. Go make things right. I know you will."
I nod and look out the window. It's nearly dark out. I groan. How has that much time passed? I pull a hoodie over my shirt and decide to put my hair up. I rush out of the house, once again taking the bus and ending up at the same spot I found myself earlier today. I walk down the sidewalk away from the bus stop with my hands in my pockets. The black Civic is still in the driveway. I peek through the window again. This time, I see the red headed girl on the couch with Jay and his parents. But no sign of Ellie. I walk down the driveway and look up at where her bedroom would be.
A shadow moves behind the drapes and I know that it must be her. I get an incredibly stupid idea and decide to stick to it. I climb to the second story of the house, the way that I've seen Ellie do. It takes all of the strength in my body to heave myself onto the dirty shingles. I can't believe Ellie always makes this look so easy. I grunt and swing my leg onto the roof. Pulling myself up, I attempt to get my footing before creeping over to Ellie's window. I notice that it's closed, so I look around nervously before tapping on the glass a few times. I step to the left of the window and press my back to the wall.
The window slides open and Ellie moves the drapes aside. She pokes her head out and looks down the street. I try not to breathe as I pray she won't notice me. Then, she shrugs her shoulders and slinks back into her room. Luckily, she doesn't close the window. I crouch down and get through as quietly as I can. However, I forgot that there's always a distance between the window and the floor. I tumble to the ground and yelp out in surprise. Ellie nearly screams as she jumps back and drops a box.
"Heh, hi." I say awkwardly as I rub the back of my neck.
"Tara?" She asks in disbelief, "What are you... What are you doing here?"
"I came to see you. I need to talk to you." I tell her, rising to my feet and brushing the dust off of my jeans.
"There's nothing to talk about." Ellie informs me as she picks up the box and sets it on her empty desk.
I look around the room, putting two and two together, "Are you moving?"
"Yeah. I'm just packing this bedroom now, so when I leave for Maine this summer, it'll already be done. It's only a few months away." She takes look around the room as well, "Kind of barren, now."
"Ellie, don't go. Not yet. Please." My bottom lip starts to tremble, but I trap it between my teeth, "Not when things are like this."
"My decision is already made. There's nothing here for me."
Her words nearly break my heart. I feel weak in my legs and I bring my hands to my hair. Curse Ellie for being so fucking stubborn. It's one of those things about her that I love and hate. It's so frustrating. She's so frustrating.
"There's me, Ellie." I plead, "I'm here... I love you."
She looks at me, shocked that I've chosen now to drop the "L-bomb". Her mouth hangs slightly open and she looks like she wants to say something. But, being Ellie, she always has to be stubborn. Her gaze is cast down toward the floor.
"I would love to believe you."
I feel myself getting angry again. Just like all of the times before. But this time, I don't want to yell at her. I don't want to make her upset. I want to tell her how I feel. I want to try.
"I do love you, Ellie. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone on this Earth. If I have to forget my applications to different schools just to tag along with you to Maine, then fuck it! I will! I will drop everything to be with you. I'll get a job and pay for whatever you need. I would do anything for you. I love you, Ellie. And I want nothing more than to be with you." I declare as I notice that I'm crying, now.
Ellie crosses her arms, "Tara, I don't think—"
I step forward and grab her face. I push my lips against hers and kiss her with every bit of emotion I've been holding back. For a moment, she resits. But only for a second. She wraps her arms around me and I place one hand on her hip. I realize how much I missed everything about this—Everything about her. We pull away and Ellie brings a hand to my face. She brushes her thumb over my lips and my cheek, which are damp from the tears that still haven't stopped streaming my face. I take a deep breath and I shake my head.
"I'm sorry. I had to do that one more time." I murmur.
She doesn't respond. She just looks at me. I knew it. She doesn't love me. I'm too late. I step back and her hand falls to her side.
"I've tried everything... I tried drinking, I tried running off, I tried seeing other people... But I can't... I couldn't do it... I haven't stopped missing you since I left," She admits, pulling me back to her and embracing me.
I hold her tighter than I've ever held her before. I hold onto her like I'm going to lose her again. I never want to lose her again.
"I love you," Ellie says quietly.
"I love you, too." I smile and bury my head into her shoulder.