As I walk to Ash's house, I wonder if there's any chance of telling headmaster Oak that I've changed my mind. There's no way this isn't insanely awkward. I don't think I've exchanged more than seven words with Ash before today in all of the years we've gone to school together. I didn't really want to have to start now, either.
I recognised the street name, so I walked here, since he apparently only lives a few minutes away from me. Once I reach the street, I keep an eye out for his door number. It's right at the end of the street, and I'm surprised to see it's so normal. I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't this quaint, average-sized house, with one car sitting on the small driveway. The garden is tidy, like someone meticulously looks after it, and there's a number of cute animal ornaments dotted around.
Nerves make my palms sweaty as I walk up his drive to the front door. Once I ring the doorbell, I'm committing myself to being here for the evening, but afraid someone might have seen me through the window, I don't hesitate. I hear it ring, and stand awkwardly on the step, readjusting the bag on my back, full of textbooks. There's footsteps in the hall, and I say a silent prayer for this to somehow go okay. When the door swings open, it's not Ash, but a middle aged woman. Her long brunette hair is tied in a low ponytail, swung over her shoulder. She's wearing a cooking apron covered in flour and holding a wooden spoon, smiling warmly at me. She looks so kind that for a moment I forget to be nervous. "Hello," she says cheerfully, tilting her head.
"Hi," I say, wringing my hands together awkwardly. "I'm here for Ash."
She blinks, for a moment showing her surprise. Then it's gone, replaced with her cheeriness again. "Oh, he didn't mention it. Typical Ash." She turns towards the stairs and calls his name up them, then faces me again. "Come in, um...?"
"Goh," I say, stepping inside when she moves out of the way. I glance around the corridor as I take my shoes off. Everything is so tidy. Hanging along the walls are numerous photos of Ash in all stages of life.
"Nice to meet you, Goh," she says. I can only assume this is Ash's mum. I've had so few friends in my life that it feels intimate to meet someone's parents, and so this whole situation feels a little strange to me. "I'm Delia. You can just head upstairs. His room is the first on the right."
There's a clatter in the kitchen, followed by a fat ginger cat racing like lightning down the hallway and into one of the rooms, something sticking out of its mouth. Delia shrieks and races off, shouting something about her baking, and leaves me standing at the foot of the stairs. I sigh, glancing to the top of the stairs. I really, really don't want to have to walk upstairs and let myself into Ash's room. I don't even know him. I'd slam the door on anyone that did that to me. The only alternative is to leave, and that's even more awkward, isn't it? Is it? I don't even know.
Giving in, I start to climb the stairs. Luckily, Ash's bedroom door is slightly ajar, and I can see him through it, sitting at a desk chair with one knee drawn up to his chest, tapping a pen against his mouth as he stares down at a notebook. I notice he's wearing headphones, and that's why he didn't hear Delia. I swallow hard, just standing there awkwardly for a few seconds before I approach and gently push the door open, not wanting to give him a fright. He turns as I enter, and his eyebrows fly up.
"Goh," he says, pulling the headphones down and hanging them around his neck. The desk chair swivels until he's facing me. "I forgot you were coming."
I blink at him. "You literally text me about this like forty minutes ago," I say. I know sometimes I can come across as abrasive, but I never notice until the words have already come out. Ash doesn't seem to care, though.
"Right. Sorry." He rubs the back of his head sheepishly. "Come in."
I step further inside, glancing around his room. He likes pictures, I suppose, considering there's so many of him and his friends. He gets up, circling around me to close the door, but I barely notice. For some reason, looking at all of these group photos over the years makes my heart clench painfully in my chest. I can't even imagine what growing up as Ash must have been like. Constantly surrounded by friends, always having so much fun. It's as different as it could be from my own childhood, spent mostly indoors, keeping away from people. Suddenly intimidated, I tense up, as Ash comes back around to face me.
"So," I say nervously. "Where did you want to start?"
Ash frowns. "I have no idea, honestly."
Great. "Well, um... What's your worst subject? We can start there."
"Probably maths," he says, shrugging. I seriously hope that I'm not wasting my time here. I don't know much about Ash, but he doesn't strike me as very smart. Maybe that's just me being mean, though.
"Okay," I say, swinging my bag over my shoulder. Maths is probably my worst subject too, but I still do well in it. I kneel down and pull out the textbook, and as I do, Ash sits down on his carpet, crossing his legs and waiting, watching me. My throat goes dry, and I catch his eye for a moment, but he just smiles, and I quickly look away. This is so weird. So many would kill to hang out with Ash or any of his group, and here I am, in his house, when I don't even want to be.
Finding the textbook, I pull it out. Ash already has his own, which he pulls from a messy pile at the foot of his bed. "Which bits do you struggle with?" I ask, hoping he doesn't say everything.
He hums, thinking for a second. "Algebra," he answers. Okay. I can work with that. I turn to the first algebra section. My own textbook is covered in scribbles of my own making, but Ash's is blank. There's a brief moment of hesitation. Am I really doing this? I keep feeling like Ash is going to burst out laughing and tell me this was all some kind of joke. I keep waiting for him to make some sort of joke at my expense. He doesn't, though. In fact, he's just watching me, waiting still.
So I launch right into it, hoping he's as serious as he looks. He listens as I talk, and actually asks questions, like he's trying to understand. I suppose I shouldn't be so surprised. He did ask for this, after all. Still, I can't help but feel a little stupid. Someone as popular as Ash surely thinks I'm extremely lame for doing this, even if he is trying.
After a while, Delia appears at the door and hands me a drink. As she leaves, she ruffles Ash's hair. He swats her hand away, grumbling angrily, but she just smiles and waves at us as she shuts the door. I concentrate on not laughing.
The one saving grace about this whole thing is that Ash hasn't tried to strike up an actual conversation with me. As I sip the drink Delia gave me, though, I catch him looking at me, and my heart sinks. I can already tell he's about to start.
"You're Chloe's best friend, right?"
I refrain from mentioning the argument we're in, because it's really none of his business. "Yeah," I answer simply.
"She's pretty cool," he says. I almost spit out my drink. Well, maybe she does have a chance after all? Fresh bitterness blooms, but I push it back.
"Mm," I hum. "She is pretty cool, I guess." I really just want to leave now. I have no desire to have any kind of conversation with Ash. It's not like we'd ever be friends. There's no place for me amongst his loud, outgoing group. I wouldn't get the chance, anyway. If any of them really knew me, they'd probably just laugh. The thought makes me feel pathetic and I start to stand suddenly. "I gotta get back now."
"Oh. Alright." Ash grabs his textbook and places it back on the pile, then gets mine and hands it to me. I take it from his outstretched hand silently and stuff it into my bag. "Thanks, Goh."
I just smile. I have no idea when I'll see him next. Hopefully this isn't too regular an occurrence. The whole thing is too awkward for me to be here every day and stay sane. He walks me down the stairs to the door, and once I'm outside, he leans against the doorframe, crossing his arms. "I'll see you later, then," he says.
"Yeah, see you later," I say a little awkwardly, then head off. I feel Ash's eyes on the back of me until the door closes a few seconds later, and I blow out the breath I'd been holding. It wasn't as bad as I thought it might be, but I still didn't enjoy it at all.
When I get back to my house, let myself in and throw the bag down at the door, I spot Chloe's shoes, sitting beside all of the others. I pause, sucking in a deep breath through my nose. Of course. There's no avoiding her now, I suppose.
Just as I expected, she's sitting in my room, watching something on her phone. She sits up straight as I enter, glaring her way. "Goh," she says, jumping to her feet. "Please don't be angry. Camille let me in."
I ignore her, starting to pull my hoodie over my head, and toss it down on the bed. She watches me, wringing her hands together, and I start to feel a little bad. Isn't this all my fault, after all? So I sigh and turn back to her. "Chlo-"
"I'm sorry," she spits out before I can. "I didn't mean to say what I said. I've never thought of it like that. I don't know why I said it."
I shake my head. "No. It's my fault. I was bitter about the possibility of you making new friends, and that's not fair."
She frowns, taking a step towards me. "It's alright."
"It's not," I say, running a hand through my hair. "The fact of it is that you would fit right in there and I wouldn't, and I was scared you were going to leave me behind. I'm pathetic, I know."
"You're not pathetic-"
"Can we just forget about it?" I ask. I'm starting to feel so exhausted that I just want to curl up in bed and sleep, despite it only being half seven. It feels like the weight of the world is pressing down on my shoulders. All of my fears, all of my anxiety, is becoming so heavy that it's hard to carry around. Chloe hesitates, studying my face for a moment, before nodding.
"Can you forgive me for what I said?" she asks quietly. I sit down on the edge of the bed, pushing all of my feelings to the back of my mind like I always do. I should probably deal with them, but why would I, when this is so much easier?
"Yeah," I say simply. Chloe sits beside me in silence for a few moments.
"So... Where were you?" she asks. I take a deep breath and close my eyes. I didn't tell my mum where I was going, and so she couldn't tell Chloe. I really don't feel like explaining that I was at Ash's house, but I don't want to lie to her, either.
"The headteacher asked me to tutor someone," I say simply. Chloe's eyebrows shoot up.
"And you agreed?"
I shrug. "Extra credit."
"Who is it?"
"Ash," I say.
She pauses, watching me. "Ash Ketchum?"
"The one and only," I sigh.
"You were at his house?"
"Yep," I say.
"Oh." She pauses. "How was it?"
"Awkward," I admit. "But not as bad as I thought. At least he didn't laugh at me."
Chloe smirks. "You're tutoring one of the Clowns."
"Don't remind me," I say, feeling the weight lift a little. This feels more like us.
"Do you like him?" she asks cautiously.
"Not really," I say. "He's got too much energy for me. He was okay tonight, though."
Chloe gives me some sort of knowing, smug smile that I don't understand and don't like, and I pointedly ignore it. "Sure," she says. "Should we watch something?"
"Please," I sigh, grateful that conversation is over.
— — — —
That night, laying in bed, I can't get my brain to switch off. Every time I close my eyes, I picture Tokio. I miss him, and I'm really fucking lonely. I know it's my own fault that I'm lonely, but I can't help that. It's part of who I am, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I suppose Tokio didn't like it either, since he left me. I can't stop wondering what it is that made him leave. Would asking be better or worse? I can't decide.
All I know is that I wasn't good enough for him. It's hard not to feel like I'll never be good enough for anyone. I mean, who wants to be with someone so quiet and slightly awkward? If I were Tokio, I wouldn't settle for me either, so maybe I should stop being mad at him, and be mad at myself.
I roll over in bed, opening my phone and holding it over me, rereading the text. I wish he'd at least given me some sort of explanation, instead of one line. A whole year together, thrown away just like that. Maybe the relationship only meant something to me all along.
I close the phone again and lay it on my chest, staring up at the ceiling. My heart is twisting painfully in my chest, and I wish I knew why I was so damn sad. I wish Chloe were here, so I could talk to her, but there's still a slight rift between us from the other day, so would I even want to? Is there really anyone I could talk to at all?
I close my eyes and roll onto my side. It's shitty that after wanting nothing but to sleep all day, I now can't sleep at all.
— — — —
"You look like a zombie," Chloe says the next morning when I meet her outside her house. Her tone is jokey, but her expression is concerned.
"I couldn't sleep," I say. My eyes burn slightly when I blink. This morning, it was harder than ever to force myself to care enough to get up and get dressed. I open my mouth to say more, maybe explain how I feel about Tokio, but close it again.
"Thinking about Tokio?" she guesses, frowning. She'd been friends with Tokio too, and the three of us did spend a lot of time together. It sucks that he's completely cutting her off too. He never came across as selfish, but maybe he was. Maybe I liked him so much that I just couldn't see it.
"Yeah," I admit as we start to walk. "I wish I knew what made him do it."
"Why not ask him? You deserve closure." She's furrowing her brows at me. The thought of texting him back or calling him makes me feel extremely nauseous, but I think she might be right. How can I ever let it go if I don't know what happened?
"Maybe," I concede. I change the subject, and the rest of the way to school, she doesn't bring it up again. When we reach the parking lot, I see Ash on the steps, standing beside Dawn and Gary. Dawn is absorbed in her phone, leaning with one foot up against the wall and chewing on some sort of candy. Ash, however, looks right at me. When he spots me he smiles and raises his hand in a slight wave. Surprised, it takes me a moment to remember to do it back. Beside him, Gary looks between us, confused.
There's enough distance between us as we climb the stairs to save me from having to speak to him. When we reach the top, there's a group of girls, perhaps a year younger, unsubtly staring at them.
"She doesn't even pay him any attention," one of them grumbles, eyes burning into Dawn like she might be trying to kill her through looks alone.
"Gary is way better anyway," the other one says.
"No way. Ash is literally perfect," the first one argues. I sigh as we walk past them, and Chloe barely suppresses a laugh. I almost want to remind her that she belongs in that crowd now, since she likes him too, but I don't.
"You know everyone's going to be super jealous of you being able to tutor him. They'll all wish they were nerds too."
I scoff. "There's nothing to be jealous about, trust me."
Chloe just smirks again, and drops the topic.
— — — —
At lunch, I bite the bullet and text Tokio, asking him to meet me. Surprisingly, he agrees straight away, and tells me he'll meet me at a coffee shop. The moment he replies, I regret it. How am I supposed to face him? At least it will be in public, I suppose. When I tell Chloe, she gives me a nod, but I can see in her eyes that she's worried about me. I would tell her there's nothing to worry about, but that would be a lie.
It's raining when I walk to the coffee shop to meet him. By the time I arrive, my hair is damp and sticking to my forehead, and I try to brush it out of the way, but it just seems to make things worse. I step inside the warm shop and look around, but he's not here yet, so I go to the counter to order for us. I know his usual order, after all.
When I have the two coffees in my hand, I wander over to our usual table and sit down, setting his coffee on his side. I check my phone, and see it's ten minutes later than we agreed to meet. Tokio was never usually late, but maybe he got stuck somewhere? I take a sip of the coffee and it burns my tongue. My brain is swimming in thoughts, and under the table my hands tremble slightly. Selfishly, I'm holding onto hope that there was some sort of misunderstanding, and he wants me back.
Another five minutes pass, and I start to stare out of the window into the pouring rain, and the dark, overcast sky. He's not going to show up.
The door swings open, the bell ringing, and I snap to attention when I see a flash of white-blond hair. Tokio pulls down the hood of his coat and shakes his hair out a little, looking immediately my way, our eyes connecting. The breath rushes from my lungs, and I can't even fake a smile for him as he walks over, shrugging the coat off, smiling at me. How can he be smiling right now? The sight of him for the first time in days is making my throat constrict, and I can hardly breathe.
"Hey," he says casually, sitting opposite me. All of the anger I've been holding onto for days is bubbling to the surface. Hey? Really? I just glare at him, and he shifts uncomfortably in his seat, avoiding my eyes. "It's nice to see you."
"Is it?" I ask bitterly, crossing my arms. I'm not going to let him get away with being so casual, or avoiding what we're really here to talk about.
He sighs, like I'm being difficult. "I understand why you're angry."
"I hope so. You broke up with me over a text message. You couldn't even be bothered to say it to my face."
"That's not why I did it," he says, exasperated. "Can you just hear me out for a minute?" I don't reply, just blink at him, waiting for him to carry on. I'll bite my tongue for now, and give him a chance to explain. He swallows hard, curling his hands around the mug of coffee. I make a mental note that he never said thank you for it. "I've had a lot going on," he starts, and I almost roll my eyes. "Things have been... hectic. With school, family and stuff, you know? It wasn't about you, Goh, it was about me. I think I just need to be by myself for a while."
"That's the shittiest explanation I've ever heard," I snap. Tokio is one of the two people I'm one hundred percent confident around in this world, and that hasn't gone away, but when I'm looking at him now, he almost looks like a different person. Hurt rips my chest open and digs its talons into my heart, and I have to choke back tears.
"I still love you," he says, and that does it. Fighting the urge to scream, I let go of the tears instead, and wipe angrily at my eyes. Chloe was wrong. This isn't making me feel any better at all. In fact, it feels like my heart is on the floor, and Tokio is stomping on it, over and over. "You have to know that."
"No you don't," I argue, "or you wouldn't be doing this. Admit it, Tokio. Tell me what it is that really made you want to leave."
He shifts uncomfortably again, turning away from me, his frowning deepening. My chest rises and falls heavily as I wait, the silence ringing in my ears. God, any explanation would be better than none. As we sit there, the bell rings above the door again, and out of the corner of my eye I see Ash and Dawn enter. I drop my eyes immediately, hoping they won't see me.
"That's all it is," Tokio says. I can tell from the way he won't look at me that he's lying. He forgets how well I know him. "I'm sorry, Goh."
I close my eyes for a second, focusing on my breathing. Behind Tokio, Ash and Dawn are at the counter, ordering drinks. Dawn leaves Ash there and goes to take a table by the window, but she doesn't look my way.
"Goh, please say something."
"You're lying to me," I say harshly, wiping at my eyes again. "Tell me the fucking truth."
My language catches him off guard, and his eyes widen with surprise for a second. Then, his face goes cold, and he stares back at me for a few moments, the tension thickening between us. It's so easy to look at him and remember the year we spent together, always kissing or holding hands, or holding one another. It's easy to imagine falling back into that, and forgetting any of this happened. Despite everything, I'm so weak that if he wanted me, I'd take him back. I love him, and if he really does still love me...
"Fine. There's someone else."
My heart cracks open in my chest, and for a moment I can't do anything but stare. Then, the floodgates open, and all of my rage bursts out at once. "What?"
"I met someone else. I didn't want to tell you because I know you get insecure sometimes-"
Oh, fuck no. He's not using my insecurities as a way to justify his shitty decisions. "Excuse me?"
"Don't cause a scene, Goh," he says, nervously glancing around him. Ash has joined Dawn at the table now. I have no idea if he even noticed me here. I don't care, either. Not as I stand, grabbing my coffee. In a split second, I throw my hand out, tossing the coffee right over Tokio. He yelps as it splashes down on him, but I'm already slamming the empty mug down on the table. My legs are shaking, but they still manage to carry me across the shop, where I yank the door open and step out into the rain again, leaving him there alone.
— — — —
"He said what?" Chloe practically shouts. After leaving the cafe, I came straight here, because where else could I go? I didn't want to walk into my house and have my parents see that I've been furiously sobbing for the last fifteen minutes. I haven't even told them about my breakup with Tokio yet. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that something about it seems a little... embarrassing.
"I'm pretty sure Ash and Dawn saw too, so now I look even more lame."
"Um, no. Throwing hot coffee on your asshole ex does not make you lame."
Ex. I haven't used that word yet, but that's what he is now, isn't it? Another ex. "What the fuck is the point in relationships if they end up like this? I did everything for him and I still wasn't enough."
"They don't all end this way," Chloe says, sitting down on the edge of her bed beside where I'm laying on it, staring at her ceiling.
"He found someone better because I wasn't good enough," I say numbly, the lump in my throat almost making me choke on the words. "I can't stop wondering what he has that I don't."
"Stop, Goh. You're getting in your own head." She leans over me, her hair falling into my face. "Where's the Goh that doesn't give a single shit? The one that doesn't care what anyone thinks of him?"
I can't even bring myself to lie. "Gone," I sigh. Her eyes search mine for a moment, and I watch as her face falls, as she realises I'm being serious. I can tell that she pities me, but I don't care. Life is falling apart, and no amount of inspirational speeches from Chloe can save it this time.