Twas the night before Christmas, and all was well as could be. Of course, crime crawled here and there, but Jojo had a job, no other could do.
He stared and glared out his window at the snow that slithered and scattered across the air.
Annie: Knock, knock!
With jolly joy for Jojo,
In a Santa dress and hat, Annie with a smile, strode into the office, with a present quite the size.
Annie: Marry Christmas Jojo! Oh-ho?
Looking around, neither here nor there, a single decoration to be seen.
Annie: Jojo! Don't dodge your ornamental adorings! It's Christmas but once a year!
John: Are you trying to rhyme? Or am I losing my mind?
Annie: I don't know what you mean... Perhaps you should stop questioning or be seen as mean.
Annie: Anyhow... What's the wow-full plan for an awesome man like you?
Annie: I'm sure you'll be doing something bizarre yet brilliant! Bodacious and Tenacious!
Putting her present on his desk, she lays herself playfully atop it.
John: I'm going to do what I do every year... Hunt down Santa Clause.
Annie:....
Annie: What...?
Annie: Santa is real? Like... Is super duper real? As real as can be? Without a doubt!?
John: I was eight years old at the time...I awoke in the night, to the sound of a rhyme.
John: Down at the fireplace, I saw the fat man in red. But presents he did not come to bring...
John: But my cookies, he came down to eat.
John: Not the ones left for him, but MINE! Specifically MINE!
John: He then vanished, before my eyes! But left me with the knowledge of his existence.
John: I've sworn vengeance against him.
Annie: Isn't that a bit extreme?
John: If the Saint's trick isn't to deliver joy, but to steal. Then I must get to the bottom of his goals.
John: And tonight is the night... The moment has been prepared for...
He pulls out a modified harpoon gun from under his desk, just as an alarm goes off on his phone, surprising, Annie who steps back onto a letter left on the ground.
John: Thank you for the present, I'll return the favor when you return.
He dashes off, with his mighty spear gun, as Annie takes a moment to pick up the letter.
Annie: Wait, what about...?
Annie:(sigh)
She looks at the open letter.
"From Mom" it read on the front. Inside, was a single ticket to Japan. Annie then looks at both the desks, in the room, before following suit.
On the roof, Jojo aimed his harpoon gun so it may fly true.
For years, he has planned out how to capture the man who ate his cookies. The calculations were done, and years of trial and error have prepared Jojo for this one shot.
As he fired, the lights around the city all went out, due to a scheduled blackout that would last but five minutes.
In the air, the tip of the harpoon exploded brightly, before hitting something and making the line go tight.
John: Ah ha! You're mine now...
Annie: John, is this just a-
He goes flying into the air, Annie on instinct, grabs his legs but she is dragged along with him.
Annie: Whaaaaaaa!?!
John: Hold on!
Annie: IT'S NOT LIKE I WAS CONSIDERING TO LET GO!!
John began climbing up the line, dragging Annie along with him. They quickly found themselves in the clouds with a red sleigh and several reindeer flying with no trouble.
Annie: Oh my god!
Annie: He is real!?
Santa peeks over his sleigh.
John: The day of reckoning has come, you bastard!
Santa turns to his reindeer.
(Saint Nick: Santa Clause)
Santa:(mind) I've gotten too sloppy... He figured out that the reindeer follow light, and used that to draw them in...
Annie is tossed onto Santa's lap.
Santa/Annie: Ho?
Annie: H-Hi Santa. I hope you don't put me on the naughty list...
Santa: Santa only saves that for the ho-ho-
Jojo climbs up from behind and puts Santa in a chokehold.
Santa:(Choking) HO-HO-HOLY SHIT!?!
Annie falls off his lap.
Annie: John, please don't kill Santa in front of me. I WILL be traumatized!
John: Not now, Annie!
John: Now listen here you cookie-stealing, bastard! You're going to tell me your secrets... Or else...
Santa: Give it your best shot!
He digs his fingers into Jojo's arm and begins sucking the blood out of Jojo.
John:!?
John: You're a Vampire!?
Annie: Vampires are real!?
John: Annie! I leave the sleigh to you!
Annie: Whoa! What-
Paint It Black: BLACK!!
Severing Santa's fingers, Jojo throws himself off the sleigh, dragging Santa Clause along with him.
Annie: JOHN!!!
Annie:....
Annie:(turns towards deer)
Shoving Santa aside, Jojo glares over at his free-fall companion, vampire prey.
John: It's clear now... You're drinking the blood of every individual around the world!
Santa: Oh-ho-ho! You still have much to learn!!
Santa: "Jingle Bells"!!
(Jingle Bells)
Santa's Stand throws something toward Jojo, who watches fly past him. But when his gaze returned to Santa, he was nowhere to be found.
Santa: Jojo!
Getting grabbed from behind, Santa reattaches his fingers within Jojo's arm and begins lowering his temperature, freezing his body with his vampire powers.
This absolute zero ice, ge tried to transfer over to Jojo.
John:(inhale)
Santa: You utter fool!!
Santa: You dared to attack me with no preparation!? A mere dabbler of Hamon cannot hope to stand against my Vampiric frost!
John:....
John: Hmph.
Santa:!?
John: Think before you speak. Because if you paid attention for at least a second...
John: YOU'D REALIZE YOUR PATHETIC VAMPIRE POWERS AREN'T WORKING!!!
Santa: NANIIIIIIII!?!
Jojo was correct, despite Bear hugging him from behind, Santa cold was not being transferred over to John.
Santa:(mind) But how!? There is no possible way, someone like him has the Hamon to stop me!
Santa:!
It then dawned on him, that he wasn't actually touching John.
John: Have you finally realized it? In the sky, I have no shadow to send my Stand out...
John: But by trying to hug me, you cast a shadow upon my body for "Paint It Black".
John: I used my Stand to paint your body enough that it pushes away from my own.
John: Now it's time to pay back those cookies you ate... WITH BLOOD!!
Paint It Black: Black, Black, Black, Black!!
Attacking Santa's stand directly, Jojo watches as his paint pushes holes into "Jingle Bells".
John:?
Santa: Ho-ho-ho-ho~
Santa appears in front of John.
Santa: You've taught me a lesson of hubris, Jojo... SO ALLOW ME TO DO THE SAME!
John: Your Stand.... It's not a humanoid, it's a Hive Stand!!
"Jingle Bells" falls apart into hundreds of tiny inch-sized bells with an eye and limbs.
(Jingle Bell)
Like rain, they fell ahead of Jojo, as Santa used his vampire powers to stretch out his skin and make a parachute with it.
Santa: Next time, aim for meeeee!
Watching Santa get dragged upward from his perspective, Jojo quickly pulls his heel out of his shoes, allowing his Stand to paint the soles of his feet, giving him traction in the sky.
With gravity in two different directions, Jojo began slowing down as he "ground" against the air.
(Jingle jingle)
(Woooosh)
John:?
A knife flew by Jojo, which made him look down and see dozens of objects suddenly appear below him.
Knives, bricks, and every other kind of object that could hurt Jojo.
Flying straight into it, Jojo dodged as best he could, yet a few did hit him.
John:(mutters) Hive Stand... Potential teleportation abilities...
Gliding to a rooftop, Jojo stumbled and eventually rolled across it, as the objects he dodged rained down.
Using his Stand John protected himself as Santa Clause gently landed across from him, his painted clothes removed to reveal his muscular, weightlifter body.
Santa: Ho-ho-ho! You survived?
John:(glared) If you don't tell me your purpose as this icon of winter...
John: Then...(inhales)...I'll kill you.
(Jingle)⁸
Several of Santa's jingle bells appeared with flashlights, covering Jojo with light all around, severely diminishing "Paint It Blacks" range.
Santa: Foolish Jojo. I'm beyond your ability to kill!
John: Is that so...?
Santa: Confident, are we...?
John/Santa: Well let's see your confidence block bullets!!
Santa: Whaaaaaaaat!?!
As multiple Bells teleport in with guns and fire, Santa is shocked at how Jojo was able to predict his next line.
(BANG, BANG, BANG)
One of the flashlights got knocked toward Santa, blinding him during the gunfire. But upon opening his eyes, he found Jojo posing in mid-air.
(The Pose)
With the paint still on his feet, Jojo simply needed to apply more to allow himself to jump out and stand in thin air.
John reveals he had grabbed a flashlight, and by tossing it behind him, he cast his shadow over Santa, putting him in range of "Paint It Black".
Paint It Black: BLACK, BLACK, BLACK, BLACK!!!
Santa:!?
He teleported his Stand to try and tank the hits, however, "Paint It Black" was fast enough to riddle Saint Nick with black spots of paint, crushing his body in several spots.
Santa: I'm... Dead...
He falls off the roof, only to teleport behind Jojo.
Santa: BUT NOT REALLY!!
John: Hmph!
Turning around, Jojo watched as Santa fired his nails and teeth, by creating pressure with his blood.
To avoid this attack, Jojo leaned back and allowed the paint on his feet to fade away, so he could fall. This did not prevent him from avoiding all the nails and teeth, just enough to survive. But from the frier, Jojo was heading straight to the pan, as "Jingle Bells" made a platform. of blades under Jojo to skewer him.
Santa: I shall feast on a Jojo-kebab tonight!
Quickly pulling out his phone, and turning on its flashlight feature, Jojo cast a shadow to allow his Stand to clear the roof.
(Slam)
John:(GRUNTS)
Gathering all the blades, "Paint It Black" throws them into Santa, who lands back on the roof, unfazed.
Santa: Ugh... You're becoming quite the pest.
John: Too bad. You shouldn't have eaten my cookies!
Santa: Oh! Don't act like that's the whole reason why you're doing this!
Santa: I know when you've been naughty or nice.
John: By using your Stand to spy on people.
Santa: Semantics Jojo. Semantics.
John:(inhales)
John:(sigh)
He begins to glow with a golden aura.
John: You came into my home and gorged yourself on my cookies. That debt has been collecting interest. The price is your life...
John: Run or hide. I'll chase you to the ends of the world! The unit you pay!
John: Hamon...
Santa: Ho-ho-ho? Well, go on. Show me your pathetic Hamon! Jojo!
Santa: And try not to die while you're at it!
Saint Nick leaps toward Jojo.
Santa: I am the patron saint of prostitutes! Allow me to demonstrate... By fu-
John: "Sunrise Viper Overdrive"!
Spitting, Jojo fires the spit and mucus he had been gathering through the fight. Flying like a bullet, Santa leaned his head to the side to avoid it.
Santa: What the hell?
The spit then curved and pierced Santa's body, doing serious damage as it was charged with Hamon.
Santa: What the hell!?
John: Now for the-
Annie: LOOOOK OOOOUT!!
John/Santa: WHAT THE HELL!?
Annie crash lands Santa's sleigh on the roof with Jojo and Saint Nick, but seeing the chaos coming, John leaped out of the way, leaving Santa to get trampled by his own reindeer and then decapitated by his own sleigh.
Santa: HO-HO-HOOO NOOOO!!
(Crash)
John:?
Annie hops off the sleigh, shivering.
Annie: S-So cold...
John: Annie, stay back, he's still dangerous!
Annie: Who-
She sees Santa's body and head in different places.
Annie: Wh-Whaaaaaaa!?! I killed Santa!!
Santa: I wish that was the case...
John: Time to die...
John:(inhale)
Santa: Alright! Alright!
Santa: Rudolph!
A red-nosed reindeer digs into the sleigh and brings John a bag of cookies.
Santa: There! Satisfied?!
John: Satisfied...? You stole much more than my cookies that night...
John: You stole memories that I'll never have. A moment with my family... My father... My mother... Even my sister... And especially with my brother!
John: COOKIES WILL NEVER CLEAR YOU OF YOUR SINS!!
Santa: BUT THEY'RE CHOCOLATE FILLED!!
John: "Paint It Black"!!
Raising its fist, Jojo's Stand gets charged with Hamon, but before he can end Santa Claus, he is interrupted by Annie who hugs him.
Mostly for warmth, but to also stop him from going through it.
Annie: Th-Th-That's enough...
Annie: M-Maybe Santa is an asshole... But he definitely isn't e-evil.
John:....
John: I guess I can mount him on a wall...
Santa:... Yay...
Annie: S-Sure, whatever! Can we get some hot chocolate!? I-I'm freezing my tits off!!
(Later that night....)
Back in the office, covered in blankets, Annie was brought a mug of hot chocolate.
Annie: Thank you...(sips)
John: I'm sorry you got dragged into this. I'll understand if you want your present back.
Annie: It's fine... You can make it up, by opening it.
John: Very well...
Going over to the large present on his desk, John opens it to be mostly hollow.
Annie:(giggles)
John:?
Reaching in, he pulls out a glow-in-the-dark Christmas sweater jacket and mistletoe.
Bringing these things to Annie, Jojo questions these.
John: These are... Odd.
Annie: Nah-uh. They're "Bizarre". Ehhh? Ehhhhhh?!
Annie: Get it? Cause that's your brand-
John: I see...
Annie: Oh, and the mistletoe has a cool gimmick.
John: It does?
Annie: Yeah, raise it up.
John: Like this-
(Smooch)
She lands a kiss on the cheek.
Annie: Hah! You fell for it!
John:....
John: You'd get along with my sister...
Annie: Cool. Why don't you go tell her that?
She holds out the letter with the plane ticket.
John:...
He takes it from her.
Annie: Your family is spending Christmas in Japan, aren't they?
John: They are...
Annie: But...?
John: She sent one ticket... Which means one of three things. My brother hasn't returned... She believes he'll never return... Or he's...dead.
John: If it's the last one... Even if she tries to hide it. I'll figure it out.
John: And I don't know if I want that mystery to be solved yet... If I'm ready for it...
Annie: John...
Santa: If I may...
John: How are you speaking without lungs again?
Santa: IF I MAY!
Santa: As an expert on Christmas... I doubt that's what she has in store.
Santa: I doubt even she knows his fate.
Annie: Santa's right! If you don't know the truth, no one does!
Annie: Your mom would definitely want to see you, with one son gone!
Annie: So you have to go!
John: I-
Annie: I's should be up! And But's should be behind you!
Annie: You're going! Or you'll face my wrath!
John:....
John: Very well...
Putting on the Christmas gifts, Jojo grabs Santa's head.
John: I'll probably be back after the new year.
Annie:(smiles) I'll be waiting.
John: Call if there's a case.
With that, he leaves.
(On plane later....)
John found himself in front of a house with a few kids building snowmen.
(Knock, knock-)
Before he could knock a third time, the door opened and he was greeted by his uncle.
(Josuke Higashikata)
Josuke: Oh! Was wondering when you were going to arrive.
The two hug, before Jojo drags Jojo into the Jo-House to see the other Jojo's.
He quickly saw his cousin and his daughter.
(Jotaro & Jolyne Kujo)
Jojo nods at Jojo, while Jojo waves. Jojo then notices his Italian, great-great uncle Jojo, a man younger than his cousin Jojo.
(Giorno Giovanna)
His mom, Jojo, then entered the room.
Mom: Well at least one of you made it... What's in the bag?
John: Santa.
Jolyne: Oh? So you brought a costume for the kids later?
John: No. It's Santa. I found him. It turns out he's a vampire.
He pulls out the head.
Santa: Hey... Please don't be vampire racist.
Jotaro: Yare-yare daze...
Jojo yells at Jojo to put Santa's head away as Jojo and Jojo laughed. Jojo in the meantime was shaking his head as Jojo poked Santa whilst the Jobros entered to find this Bizarre scene.
To be continued.....
P.s....
Have a Jojo-Holiday and a Bizarre New Year.