sleep was playing hard to get for shubman. he stares up at the ceiling, then at the outlines of the skyscrapers on the blinds, then he tosses and turns in bed.
“stop moving, i can’t sleep,” ishan says drowsily.
shubman sneaks a glance at him. his eyes are closed, lying on his side to face shubman.
he recalls the revelation rachin made earlier.
“oh christ, did i just- oh my god, im sorry for dropping the bomb on you like that, mate. i thought you knew.”
“rachin…i'm gonna need a moment.”
“yeah, i- alright, mate, let’s just pretend i never said anything.”
“this is a little overwhelming.”
“man, i feel bad. let’s not talk about this.”
“yeah.”
shubman is fighting the urge to confront ishan head-on about it but he can’t find the right words.
“rachin was saying something,” he speaks.
“yeah, tell me tomorrow,” ishan says, yawning.
shubman purses his lips, hesitation lingering on his tongue. “he said you’re…you’re bisexual?”
ishan’s eyes spring open. “he said that?”
shubman keeps his eyes on the ceiling. “it’s not true, right? he was joking?”
ishan exhales deeply. “do you wish he was?”
“just answer me, ishan.” shubman fiddles with his thumbs uneasily.
ishan turns to look at the ceiling as well.
“it’s true,” he says softly.
shubman clenches his jaw, a cold feeling crawling up on him. “you’ve got to be kidding me.”
ishan frowns. “why do you sound mad?”
“because i am.”
ishan turns to him. “what for?”
shubman glares at the darkness of the room, looking anywhere but at ishan.
“i don’t know. i don’t like this.”
“what? stop being so vague.”
shubman finally meets his gaze. ishan’s eyes are faintly visible under the moonlight slipping through the gaps of the blinds.
“i feel like you’re so….different all of a sudden. like a stranger. this doesn’t feel right.”
ishan shoots him an incredulous look. “unbelievable,” he whispers, heaviness settling on his shoulders. he sits up straight, staring down at shubman.
“you decide to ruin my sleep to be an insensitive jerk?”
shubman moves up to lean on the headboard. “can’t you see from my perspective?”
ishan scoffs. “and what’s your perspective? homophobia?”
shubman runs his fingers through his hair in growing discomfort. “look, i just got told that my best friend whom i’ve known for years, is into men by someone i barely know.”
“just because you barely know him doesn’t mean i do too. i have friends other than you, shubman.”
shubman’s sad eyes hold ishan’s gaze. “you say im your best friend.”
“you are.”
“so then did you not trust me enough to let me in on your secret? you shouldn’t have to go to others when im here.”
hearing that, ishan relaxes a little. he smiles. “i was just…worried i guess.”
shubman sinks back down into the covers. “i’ve failed as a friend.”
ishan chuckles. “shut up, dramatic ass.”
he reaches his hands to ruffle shubman’s hair. “sorry, shubi. you know i’d trust you with my life but this was something i wanted to tell you at the right time. it’s nerve wrecking sometimes honestly. in a way, im glad rachin did it.”
“the point still stands, why’d you tell him?” shubman asks, folding his hands.
“not intentionally. i was on a call with him and i was drunk, slipped up,” ishan says, pulling shubman’s cheeks affectionately.
shubman huffs. the news is still shocking to him but he’s trying to swallow the pill.
“he took it well, luckily,” ishan adds. “we don’t really talk about it but also he doesn't act like it’s non-existent, you know. he acknowledges that part of me.”
shubman nods, trying to be understanding. “i wish you’d have told me.”
“i guess im a coward,” ishan says with a sheepish little smile.
shubman flicks his forehead lightly. “don't say that. you’re an idiot, that’s all.”
“does it bother you? me being bi?” ishan asks after a moment of silence.
shubman shakes his head. “i don’t care about all that. i care about you. and you are you before you're straight or not.”
ishan tries to not feel emotional. he scoots closer to shubman, hugging his side.
“got it. we’re just ishan and shubman.”
shubman really likes the sound of that. it tells him that they're young, and they’ve their whole life ahead of them. so many matches to play, so many countries to travel, so many memories to make. with ishan.
“uhuh, it’s shubman and ishan.”
“ishan and shubman,” ishan argues.
“shubman and ishan it is. make it make sense.”
“shut up, you’re irrelevant.”
“no, im right- ow, stop biting me!”
they fall into their normal antics, giggling and teasing each other. a thing that shubman likes the most about their friendship is that they never have fights, not serious ones at least. they have their differences but they always sort it out pretty quick.
the reason is that they can’t go on for too long without talking to each other, but that’s not something they’ll admit out loud.
“how did you know you…don’t only like women?” shubman asks, genuinely curious.
“you can say the word, shubman. it’s not gonna turn you gay.”
shubman feels his cheeks warm up. “i know, im not- obviously. ugh, just answer my question, smartass.”
ishan thinks about it. there hasn’t been any major leading down to it. well, someone did play a role in it to help him realize but he’s taking that secret to his grave. sorry shubman.
“ryan reynolds,” he says.
shubman snorts. “so you’re not telling.”
“nope.”
shubman doesn't force him to. it's alright, ishan doesn't owe him any explanations.
“i want you to know that you can tell me anything, okay? you don't have to be a coward like me.” ishan says softly, letting the words hang in the silent air of the night.
shubman thinks of how to respond, he knows what ishan means. but this is not a conversation he’ll like to have.
he laughs, or pretends to at least.
“there's nothing to tell, ishu, you already know everything about me.”
ishan stares at him, forcing a faint smile on his lips. shubman feels like he catches a flash of pity in his eyes but he doesn't want to confirm it so he looks away.
“i wish you were a girl, ishan,” he whispers, his voice barely audible.
“i wish you were honest, shubman,” ishan whispers back.
it’s a slow, calm morning for the team.
okay, that’s impossible.
“someone get siraj out of my face before i dump my yogurt on him,” shreyas groans.
siraj shoots him the most shit-eating grin, throwing grapes at him. “oh yeah? oh yeah? oh-”
‘“siraj, behen ke- hardik bhai! get your own pancakes! oh my god, no-” shreyas tries to stop the chaos around him, flailing his arms. he’s never sitting between siraj and hardik again.
surya eats his oatmeal, staring blankly at rahul. “why’s there no milk in your cereal?”
“sometimes i like to add orange juice instead of milk.”
“i hope you know that’s a federal crime.”
rohit has desensitized himself to the persistent chaos around them. in fact he’d be worried if they were not noisy.
he focuses on his toast and eggs, savoring the peace that his boys won’t let him have.
“some team bonding is needed,” he says to virat. “im tired of them squabbling like elementary kids all day. so restless.”
virat looks up from his parfait. “i was thinking of going to the auckland zoo-”
“zoo!?”
“sit down, ishan.”
“zoo! zoo! zoo!”
“shubman, stop climbing on surya.”
“siuuu!”
“shut up siraj.”
rohit sighs to himself as virat tries to shut everyone up. he mumbles to himself, “zoo is a perfect idea, i’ll leave them there.”
shubman drags ishan to every site in the zoo, and ishan drags surya to everywhere shubman drags him. surya holds onto rahul for dear life.
“please don't leave me with them, they are scary when they act like a married couple,” surya pleads to rahul.
rahul looks pretty uninterested but feels sympathetic towards the man. poor surya always gets stuck with the two kids. he nods silently, walking beside surya.
“red panda, oh my god. do you fucking see this, y'all?” ishan exclaims, pointing at the little thing in a nearby branch.
shubman looks back and forth between ishan and the red panda. “damn, these spot the difference games are getting too hard.”
ishan ignores him. “c’mon, c’mon, click me a photo.”
shubman can't help his fond smile when ishan poses adorably for the camera. he is so fucking cute.
surya scoffs to himself. “i hate them so much.”
“no, you don't,” rahul says quietly.
surya looks at shubman’s bashful smile as he hears ishan excitement, like the sun shines out of ishan’s ass.
shubman leans into ishan, whispering, “you’re cuter than any red pandas in the world.”
ishan stares at him. “you’re so bad at flirting that it’s almost hot.”
shubman shoots a toothy grin.
surya mock-gags, looking at rahul. “do they think we can’t hear them?”
rahul shrugs. surya pats his back. it’s impressive how unbothered rahul is about the world.
“let’s get some treats for the panda,” rahul says.
surya is more than happy to accompany him. “we’ll be back, stay here,” he says to shubman and ishan.
once they leave, shubman intertwines his fingers with ishan’s.
ishan laughs. “what’re you doing?”
“holding your hand,” shubman says, his dimples showing off.
ishan feigns a gasp. “scandalous!”
shubman’s brain doesn’t question their intimacy, skinship is normal for them. the butterflies in shubman’s stomach are not, but let’s ignore that for now.
shubman looks into ishan’s eyes, his gorgeous black eyes that turn a hint of dark brown in the sunlight.
“can i kiss you real quick?” he asks.
“no way,” ishan says, his eyes widening.
shubman pouts. “come on, we’re alone right now.”
ishan is not buying it. “there are animals around us, shubman, have some decency.”
“we just saw two orangutans having sex, no one questions them!”
ishan smacks his arm playfully. “you’re hopeless. im not doing this in the broad daylight.”
shubman gives his best puppy-dog eyes, trying to convince ishan.
well, no one can resist those.
ishan huffs, he looks around uneasily. with a sigh, he looks up at shubman, pulling him closer.
“you better worship the ground i walk on for this,” he mumbles, pressing their lips together.
it’s too quick for shubman to respond to it but a satisfied smile takes over his face anyway.
surya has to pinch himself to confirm what he just saw.
“rahul, don’t turn back, there’s a naked man dancing.”
rahul frowns in confusion. “what?”
surya sighs dramatically. “it’s a white people thing, come on.”
he pulls rahul away, dragging him to a different site.
“what are you even saying? did you eat the animal treat they gave you? are you feeling alright?”
surya isn't really listening to rahul.
the sight of shubman and ishan kissing was quite overwhelming to be honest. don't get him wrong.
he’s not surprised to see them kissing. he’s surprised to see that shubman finally grew the balls to do it.
“they’re too bold, doing it outside,” he grumbles to himself.
“who?” rahul asks, still confused.
“the naked dancing lady.”
“but you said it's a man.”
“uhhh, gender is a social construct.”
rahul sighs. “you’re so weird.”
“not hearing that from someone who drenches his cereal in orange juice.”
rahul shrugs. that's a standard reaction from him, surya realizes.
surya takes out his phone to text ishan.
surya: i need to have a talk with you. come to my room tonight, bring shubman too.
—x—
author’s word:
i didn’t realize i crossed 1.9k words in this chp wtf. i love writing dialogues lmao.
i saw this post that day that talked about how the “i wish you were a girl” thing is common among plenty of guy friendships. i can imagine a guy saying it to his friend. a moment of silence, because that’s all his friend can offer really. and then they just move on with their conversation. they’ll never address it again. but to get that off his chest and to say it out loud, i think that is a confession great enough for him. it doesn’t prove that he’s gay or bi or whatever. i think it just proves that he’s a human. and what’s more humane than loving your friend so much that you think something is wrong with you?
i can write about the underlying melancholy of male friendships all day lmao.
hug your friends and tell them you love them because love is not just romantic. love is a soup with all kinds of bonds <3