Author's Note: Better get your tissues out. :)
This is for the square "flashbacks" on the Bad Batch Bingo. :D
~ Amina Gila
It's been months since they lost Crosshair, and Hunter still misses him. It doesn't help that it feels like Omega's drifting away from him. She was teaching him to use the wings he had and never wanted, and then something... changed. He doesn't know if it's him, her, or just his imagination. Either way, it feels like he's stuck watching as what's left of his family tears itself apart.
Omega taught him about flying. The little bit she knew, at least. She never had anyone to teach her either. Everything she knew was self-taught, but she said used to do it all the time when she was little.
Every time she mentions it, Hunter wishes he grew up with wings. If he did, he might not hate them so much. They might not be so hard to accept or deal with, and Crosshair...
Crosshair wouldn't have reacted to them like he did.
If they grew up knowing they had them, he wouldn't have...
Yeah.
It's pointless to think about, but Hunter broods about it obsessively. He ought to have moved on from that by now, but he hasn't, and doesn't really think he ever will. Everything about their life is different now, and Hunter isn't fully sure he recognizes himself anymore. They're trying to be more than what they used to be. Crosshair certainly wouldn't recognize him if he saw him, though that point is probably moot since he didn't know them at all anyway.
Apparently.
That's not something Hunter wants to think about, either.
Nor is the fact that Tech evidently threw Omega off the Marauder by accident the same way he did Hunter back on Daro. Except, unlike Hunter, she can fly, and found the whole thing fun.
She deserves better than this, and Hunter has no idea how to give her a different life.
He doesn't want to think about the fact that he doesn't trust Cid, either, but considering that she just told some random pirate about them, he's thinking about it very much.
Cid claims Phee is trustworthy, but Hunter doesn't believe it. He doesn't even trust Cid. They stick with her because they have nowhere else to go, and she won't let them go. She knows the details of all their missions, and they don't need conflict or the Empire on their tail.
They've avoided the Empire since Kamino, and Hunter has no intention of changing that.
Cid can say what she may, but Hunter doesn't trust anyone anymore.
He had a little brother once, who slept beside him when they were little for no reason at all, and they played and grew together, and then that little brother tried to cut his throat.
So, no, Hunter has no idea what the word trust even means.
He still wakes up sometimes, half expecting to feel a familiar warm weight next to him but there's nothing, and then he remembers the thump of Wrecker's body hitting the duracrete floor on the hangar after Crosshair shot him and Tech's yelp and the spiking feel of his heartbeat as Crosshair shot him into free fall, remembers the icy cold heartless "this is who I am" and he wants to scream, but if he started, he'd never stop.
"Aren't clones supposed to look alike?" Phee asks snarkily, and Hunter grows tenser than he already is. He can already guess what's coming, and he doesn't like the topic of his wings or the memories they bring.
Flying reminds him of Omega, but the fact that he's so different than his brothers is strange and wrong and –
(And Crosshair didn't want them, and Hunter doesn't know how to be anything other than what his brothers and their kid want.)
"So much for quality control. This one's too big. This one's too small." Wrecker's eyes widen and Omega looks up with an adorable amount of annoyance. "And that one's got wings – I didn't even know clones could have wings. Yeah, real subtle."
He hates how instinctive it is for them to twitch and tighten against his back, self-conscious about their existence and the eyes on them.
Even Cid poked fun at him for it for a while, until she got used to it, but he had to give her a pass on that, because his wings do draw unwanted eyes. If she was accused of hiding a Jedi, there'd be a... situation.
Tech bristles at the mention – Hunter is grateful for how he and Echo on occasion will stand up for him if someone mentions them. They didn't used to, but things changed after Kamino, both for better and... worse.
Part of him wants to say it isn't all bad, but that's stupid and selfish, because he's supposed to take care of them, and he shouldn't want to be taken care of.
He's their leader. He's supposed to be strong for them, to know what to do. He shouldn't need their help – that's always been Hunter's role.
Tech got even quieter and more withdrawn than he used to be, and it's just... different. Not always, but he's darker, emptier. They all are, but it feels like they're drifting from each other, and Hunter loathes it.
"Our genetic mutations result in –" Tech starts, and she cuts him off.
He's going to right off guess that Tech was about to voice his suspicions that something went off in Hunter's DNA because their genetic host had wings. Jango Fett had black wings, oddly enough, and considering how he wasn't a Force-user either – to anyone's knowledge – that makes no more sense than how Hunter does.
"Well, as fascinating as this has been, I have places to be," Phee interrupts. She leaves, taking Wrecker and the crate outside. She's not a visible threat, so Hunter lets them go.
Doesn't mean he likes it.
Or her.
Cid wants them to go to Serenno, but Hunter turns it down.
He's not going to do something that would lead them back to the Empire, to Crosshair. He can't fight him again. Can't see him again. He doesn't – doesn't want to.
He doesn't like it when people... talk about his wings. Their weight and feeling and constant rustling are things he's gotten used to, and Hunter knows they draw a lot of attention, but that doesn't mean he has to like them. He just needs to deal with it.
Crosshair had –
Stop it.
It doesn't matter what he thought. Doesn't matter if he didn't like them, if he – none of it matters, because he's gone, and it's been long enough that Hunter thought he'd have accepted it by now.
He hasn't.
Probably never will.
(Probably, he'll never stop wondering why Crosshair hurt them, what they did to make him turn on them, wondering how he failed him and why – why Crosshair was trying so hard to rip them all apart piece by piece, wondering what they did to deserve his anger. Wondering what they deserved for Crosshair to try breaking them and nearly succeeding. Maybe he did succeed. Hunter has no idea what they are anymore.)
He doesn't want to be here. Doesn'twannadothisdoesn'twanttobeheredoesn't – (He wants someone, wants Crosshair but he wants more than that, wants someone who can make the world make sense to him again and was able to be give them something calm and grounding like what Hunter has tried to be for them for so long, someone who wants to protect him and actually needs to worry about it. Once, Hunter used to be their brother, and now it's something – something else and he doesn't like it, doesn't want to – whatever this is, and he shouldn't want anything more than his brothers or to take care of them, what is wrong with him whatiswrongwithhimwhatis –)
He moves to the back to find Omega, to try continuing her ship lessons. That is – it's something to distract himself with, and that's all he can do now. And try to stop asking himself how long it'll be before he fails her, or she leaves him, too.
***
Echo, Tech, and Wrecker insisted on going to Serenno, despite the risks, despite how they could get killed and Hunter can't lose them again, but he's just as afraid of doing something to upset them like what happened with Crosshair.
(Is something wrong with him what is wrong with him why is he willing to do something that'd hurt them because he's too selfishly afraid of losing them but he can't make them do something they don't want to can he did he do that with Crosshair did –)
Echo is already unhappy about not being able to fight, and Hunter might've expected differently from Tech, but he's always been rather... rash. And he's quiet, distant, not like... not what they used to have.
If they blame him for what happened to Crosshair, they've never said, but he wouldn't be surprised for all that he does himself.
(Would he still have walked away if you hadn't shoved him on Onderon? Or yelled at him? Or when you hit him for touching you?)
He lets them go.
He shouldn't have.
They didn't get anything, anyway, and they all nearly died.
Tech was injured, and it wasn't bad, but it was the worst any of them have been hurt in a very long time.
They're all alive, and Tech will heal fine, but that does little to calm him. Not as much as it should, anyway. They're safe and temporarily out of danger, unless of course, their appearance made the Empire decide to come after them again.
What Hunter is more afraid of is one of them ending up dead.
"They're all going to die here because of your failed leadership."
And Hunter couldn't just... turn it down, either. He doesn't know what to do. Tech could have died there, and so could every single one of them. Hunter couldn't turn down the chance to finally settle down, though. He doesn't know what he should've done. He can't just... refuse if his brothers or Omega are asking something.
He did that with Crosshair once already, and he lost him for it.
Who's to say he won't lose them, too?
He's already on – maybe they trust him, maybe, but Hunter doesn't.
Crosshair was right, wasn't he? Hunter is gonna get them all killed someday.
He doesn't have the strength to do what he needs to, and nor does he know what that is.
He tries as hard as he can.
It's not enough. Never has been, wasn't for Crosshair who walked away, and it wasn't to keep Tech from getting hurt, and... someday, he has no doubt it won't be enough to stop something... worse from happening.
How long will it be before he gets one of them killed?
Why can't there be someone else to tell him what to do?
Why –
He's by Crosshair's weapons kit, the one they haven't opened since he and Tech put the rifle away. It's... off to the side, and it guts him all over every time he sees it, even if the pain is becoming familiar.
It's still sitting in the same place, aside from when it's been jolted around from space battles, but it's still there.
As if nothing was wrong, and it's... former owner didn't leave it here as a ghost to haunt them.
Echo or Tech or Omega could have died back on Serenno, and there wouldn't have been anything he could do to stop it. They'd just be... gone, and Hunter can't fail them again. He already –
The metal surface is cold under his hands when Hunter touches it, even through his gloves. Maybe he's just cold. It used to be Crosshair who was cold all the time, but Hunter's been... different since he left.
This used to belong here, like Crosshair did.
Echo wants to fight, and Hunter somehow... knows they're going to lose him eventually, too.
It's a given, a guarantee, and not one he ever wants to think about, because he has no idea how he'll deal once that happens.
They survived once before Echo was a part of them, but everything was different then. Everything – he doesn't even know what he's doing, how to tell them that they need to be careful, and they can't do things like that. If – if they ran into Crosshair again, he could've killed them. Hurt them. Or – or worse, and that's not something they can deal with.
They haven't seen him since Kamino, and no one has mentioned him for months, either.
Sometimes, it feels like Hunter's the only one who misses him.
That's not true, but no one talks about him anymore, and he's glad about that because there's nothing to say and they need to move on, but he has no idea how to do that.
Somehow, everything always leads back to Crosshair and the fact that he walked away from them as though they didn't grow up together and they weren't... any of what they were. Of what Hunter thought they were, anyway.
And he can only wait to know how long it'll be before something... else happens. Before they lose someone else.
Hunter nearly jumps at the light thumping and electric frequency as Gonky approaches. He beeps, confused and worried, but Hunter doesn't say anything. Doesn't have anything to say.
The most he can do is offer a quiet but existent presence when Hunter finally breaks down. He'll never let anyone else see him when he's like this.
No one else... knows.
And they don't need to.
If something about him is irreparably broken, well, his squad doesn't need to know. They shouldn't have to worry about him.
It's not like it even matters. Not until he screws up something else irreparably, anyway, and they've managed five months, so he'll keep trying. There's nothing else he can do, anyway.
***
He and Echo left Tech with Wrecker and Omega so they would be safe.
He has no idea they'd take off and do something downright stupid just because Cid asked them to.
"I told you to stay out of trouble," he says evenly, exhaustion already nagging at him. This isn't the first time his brothers have gotten into trouble, but it's never been like this. They've always been together through it, start to finish.
Wrecker and Crosshair used to attract it, and Wrecker and Omega certainly do now, but it's never felt quite like this before. They've never taken off without him and done something absolutely insane that could've gotten them all killed. Tech already nearly died, and he's been doing increasingly reckless things since – since Kamino's destruction.
"Cid needed help," Omega argues, as stubborn as ever, and he's not going to push it, because this is Omega and Hunter can't argue with her.
Both because she's their kid and doesn't know better, and because he can't – can't tell her no to something.
Not like he did with Crosshair.
He can't lose her, too.
And yes, it's selfish, but with the panic clawing its way up into his throat and strangling him until he can't breathe, Hunter knows when he can't do something. If there's ever been something he couldn't do, couldn't deal with, it's that.
"If the Empire heard you were there, they could've come after us."
"Your concerns are unwarranted," Tech informs him immediately. "They are aware of our survival, and they have not been searching for us. By the time they arrived, we would already have been gone."
"Unless someone sold Cid out to the Empire," Hunter reminds, crossing his arms. He wants to scream, and back when they were younger, if someone screwed up so badly and nearly got them all killed, he would have yelled at them.
They would've yelled at him, too, if he did something so outrageously stupid. Well. Maybe not his brothers, but there – he's used to it. They're soldiers. They've never had a problem with it because that – they're soldiers, and both their lives and the mission will be cost if they mess up and overlook something.
But Crosshair – Crosshair walked away from him for something, and he's nearly too exhausted to be angry anymore.
He's too exhausted to do anything, and he wishes he didn't have to. Wishes he didn't have to keep getting up, anyway. It'd be easier to just stop being, to stop existing and just let go, to not have to worry about anything, to not... have to feel.
They don't need to make enemies everywhere they go, and he expected Tech to be at least somewhat regretful for risking all of them and doing something so stupid. He could have died.
Stars.
Tech could have died, and he doesn't even care.
Doesn't he know what that would do to them?
(DoeshenotcaredoesanyoneCrosshairdidn'twhatiswrongwithhimwhycan'themakethisrightwhy –)
Doesn't he understand how dangerous this could be for them? That – they failed Serenno, or Hunter would insist they settle down now, just leave before something even worse happens.
It's only a matter of time.
"They're all going to die here because of your failed leadership."
Shut up.
The past should stay the past. It shouldn't matter what Crosshair said to him. It shouldn't be repeating in his head on a loop every time something goes wrong.
"Hunter," Omega says, stepping forwards, and he recognizes that look on her face. Her wings are automatically unfolding, fluttering, and her eyes are wide with worry.
It's happened before.
This time, Omega almost caught it before him. Pathetic. What does that make him? He can't even control himself.
Energy is vibrating around him, buzzing with way too much energy, and he tries to breathe, to force himself to calm down. That's what he's good at, but once this starts, it's hard to make it stop.
Something changed in him, and there are times where he can feel too much and doesn't know what to do with it. It hurts and it burns but it'll never stop any more than all of his senses will. It's who he is, even if he doesn't like it, doesn't want it, and never will.
The... energy has never gathered enough to explode, but it feels like it could, and Hunter slams his glass down on the counter with a shred of unnecessary force. He swings off the bench and makes for the Marauder. It feels like he's running, and maybe he is just a little – trying to escape something he doesn't want to deal with, because hiding is easier.
Avoidance.
But that won't help anything.
He knows better than that, but what's he supposed to do?!
Omega is flying after him, and the others are following a bit behind.
If he could see himself, his eyes would be black right now.
He's seen it a few times, and it never stops unnerving him. He can't imagine what it'd look like for his brothers.
Wrecker and Omega are the only ones who can snap him out of it; Wrecker by just being... Wrecker, because Hunter can never be angry at him, and Omega with her constant, gentle light. He still has his suspicions about whether it's related to the same thing it is with the Jedi – if it's because she's light and good, and there's... just something irreparably broken about him. That her light balances him somehow.
He sinks into his normal seat in the Marauder wordlessly, staring blankly at the screen in front of him.
It's always been a... simple and obvious fact for him that they do best together. Ever since the Empire formed, things have been going... badly. He can't even say what or where the problem starts, but it's here, and he can't make it go away.
They've never been as... lighthearted or carefree since, and it – he doesn't know that he likes what they're becoming.
He certainly doesn't like what he's become.
His wings fold behind him, but they're – he's still not fully used to them.
Tech could've died.
The Empire could be after them and they wouldn't even know it.
What if – what if Crosshair comes after them again? That's not something he'll ever be ready for.
Omega's small hands wrap around his, squeezing tightly, and Hunter clings back, trying to ignore how shame is eating him inside out. He shouldn't need their comfort, much less from Omega. He shouldn't panic every time he thinks about Crosshair, about having to see and fight him again.
And it doesn't matter anyway, because Crosshair is gone, and he's not coming back.
They – they –
He doesn't know what to do, how to deal with this, how to – any of this.
"We're okay," Omega tells him quietly, and that's really the most anyone can offer. She sounds so young and scared, and it just makes him hate himself even more for breaking down in front of her.
He's supposed to be strong for them.
It's not that hard.
It doesn't matter if he's terrified of seeing Crosshair again, of being hurt by him again. It only matters that Tech is fine and he made it back safely with Wrecker and Omega.
"Someone could've seen you," Hunter argues, exhausted desperation burning inside him. "They could've thought you were a Jedi, and turned you in." It's not safe for Omega, not anywhere, and that's only pushed them harder to hide. To try hiding, though that's not presently possible.
"But we go places all the time!" Omega objects.
She doesn't understand. He looks to Tech, who's as ready to fight him on this as he always is.
He changed after they lost Crosshair.
Tech has always had a temper, yes, but never the bottomless rage and emptiness that Echo has. Tech may not often act angry, but if something sets him off, he... he'll fight.
He used to be gentle. He was always gentle with his little brothers, and he is with Omega now, but he's still so distant, and he's distant from Hunter too, now. Like everything they used to be doesn't even matter.
Crosshair destroyed every single one of them.
He knows Tech is struggling with losing Crosshair – they all are – and he's losing himself to it, too. Tech is losing himself to the hopeless grief of it, and Hunter has seen him growing steadily more reckless.
He knows where it could lead to, with the life they have, and that's not something he can face.
He can't deal with it if his little brother gets himself killed.
(Doesn't he care what that would do to Wrecker and Hunter? Doesn't it matter, or is Hunter just being overly demanding and selfish again?)
Wrecker is the only one who looks a little guilty.
Sometimes, it feels like he's the only one who understands. He might be. Tech is... different, and Echo never grew up with them. Nor did Omega. They wouldn't –
He just wants to fix this, but there's nothing he can do.
They're not – nothing is like it was when they were younger anymore. They used to understand each other, and that's not here anymore.
Not with Tech, at least.
Wrecker has always... done chaotic things when he's left unattended. That isn't something Hunter blames him for. But Tech is supposed to be the responsible one, and Hunter should've known better than to leave them alone, and what if the Empire does come looking?
Then what?
They have nowhere to go.
It reminds him of when they came back from Raxus, and Omega had done something similar – something stupid and reckless, because he left her alone, and she didn't understand how her own safety was more important than anything else. Hunter had been so worried to come back to that, to know that they could have been outed and Crosshair could be on them again momentarily, but no one else understood that.
It's happening again, and it will again no doubt, and there's nothing he can do but deal with it, no matter how hard it is. (He can't deal with this, he can't do this anymore, can't – stars, he's so tired of feeling so alone and watching everything he cares for falling.)
What if Crosshair comes again and – and Hunter can't fight him again after knowing that it was really his choice, that he was willing to hurt and kill them just on orders. He can't do it, knowing that this is Crosshair, and he won't understand why they're fighting him like Hunter thought they did. He's – he's scared of him and angry at him, but he doesn't want to hurt him because they're still brothers and that matters to Hutner even if Crosshair has never cared about it.
And they can't lose Omega. He was supposed to protect her, the same way he once wanted to all of his brothers, even if he failed, and he can't – he can't fail her.
She's their kid. She needs him.
He tries to breathe, to focus on the steady-warm feel of Omega's tiny hands on his instead of the desperate hammering of his own heart.
His wings are unfolding, pressing against his sides as if it could help him hide. They have a mind of their own sometimes, and Omega must've read it well enough, because she flies into his lap, balancing herself a little precariously. She presses herself against his chestplate, snuggling against the softness of one of his wings.
At least she doesn't find them weird.
Not like Crosshair did.
"They made it out, Hunter," Echo points out, and he sounds rough in the way he always does, but Hunter knows him well enough to know the meaning. He's trying to help, and he's right.
They're fine. Nothing happened, even if it could've, and there's nothing to panic about.
Yeah.
Everything's fine.
He needs to just calm down.
Be nice if that'd actually happen.
***
Phee has been coming to Cid's parlor more often, and Hunter is... getting more used to it, but she's a pirate, and he doesn't trust her. Doesn't have reason to. He definitely doesn't like how fast Omega is taking to her, either.
She's a pirate, and she could hurt them, and Omega's still young. This wouldn't exactly be the first time Omega took to someone she can't trust, and Hunter doesn't like where this is going.
Doesn't – he doesn't trust anyone, doesn't think he'll ever be able to again.
The last time they went on a treasure hunt, they all nearly died, and Phee is insistent that they go again. Omega's all in for it, and Wrecker is Wrecker, and he'll never back away from the chance at doing something.
Maybe they'll get something out of this, but Hunter doesn't believe that. He's not stupid enough to count on it, and this –
It's stupid.
It's hardly been any time since their last mission, and he's exhausted and Tech was hurt, and Hunter's supposed to protect his siblings, not lead them into some sort of chaotic mess that's bound to get someone hurt, if not killed.
He can't keep doing this.
He can't keep putting them in danger. The risks, the knowledge that someone is bound to get hurt, the threat of losing someone else isn't – isn't something he can handle. He already lost Crosshair.
And he can't refuse them anything, either, can't – can't disappoint them or – he doesn't even know what he's doing anymore.
Feeling entirely lost has become a normal part of his existence. Doesn't make it easy.
He can't turn them down, because he can't... disappoint Omega or his brothers, and they're all in, and he can't tell them no just because he's not comfortable with it.
"Stop pretending to be something you're not."
"You really don't get who we are, do you?"
"Don't become my enemy."
"We want different things, Crosshair. That doesn't mean we have to be enemies."
He doesn't want to go.
Something could go wrong, and this time worse.
Hunter understands that. He's not sure anyone else does, though.
Crosshair left them and Hunter knows Echo is disappointed with him already. Sometimes, looking at Omega reminds him of when they were little, of when Crosshair was still an overly energetic ball of energy and he and Wrecker were an absolute nightmare and Hunter could only look at him with the blind adoration he always felt.
That – that's how he feels about Omega now, and he can only wait, wondering how long it'll take before she walks away without looking back the same way Crosshair did.
He hates himself for thinking that of her.
If he'd been worried about Crosshair doing that a year ago, he'd have hated himself, too.
He remembers what it used to be like with Omega when it was.... just earlier, before it had been too long after Kamino. He remembers when they still did everything together, a squad, a team, a family, and Hunter loathes how it feels like he lost that. They shouldn't have.
Omega bonds with people fast, and Hunter has never... had issue with that. Doesn't know why he does now. She started spending less time with him after Kamino, after he knew enough about flying to do it on his own, but that was only so she could be with Echo and Tech a little more.
That hadn't bothered him. Why would it? They've shared everything. Maybe he missed her at random intervals, but it wasn't like this.
It was never him standing here, watching her, seeing her so close and feeling so far away.
It wasn't because Omega –
He doesn't want to lose her.
Maybe he's being selfish.
Maybe he's being possessive.
Maybe – but he can't lose her, too.
Omega is – she doesn't need him anymore. Maybe she never has. Maybe he was just blinding himself to the truth this entire time.
It's stupid for him to get so upset over this, but he is, and he can't make it stop.
Hunter turns away from them as Phee launches into another one of her mostly made-up stories again. She's adventurous, reckless, and he's terrified to know where someone like that would lead Omega.
Hunter loves her with his whole heart, but it doesn't feel like – that's not enough for her. He hates himself for thinking it should be. He's never going to be enough for them and Hunter doesn't have anything to offer them, anyway. He's their leader, and he protects them. That's all. He shouldn't want anything else.
Hunter hates himself a little for even thinking that should be enough. It's selfish.
This isn't about him. It's not supposed to be, either.
It doesn't matter how exhausted or afraid he is.
What matters is whether Omega is happy, but what if she's hurt trying to find it?
(What if she leaves without looking back the same way Crosshair did he can't go through that again and yes, it's weak and selfish and pathetic to be so clingy and try to keep her to themselves but he can't let anyone take her from him she's all he has –)
(Hunter doesn't understand what friendship is. He's never had that. His brothers never had that. They just had each other, and if they ever formed anything with someone else – Cut and Suu and Cody and Rex – it was always a bond they all shared. It wasn't like this. He doesn't know what this is, but he doesn't like it and he doesn't want to lose anyone else. He can't survive it. Can't – can't deal with that.)
Echo throws him a glance Hunter can't even read and doesn't really want to. He's been trusting Echo with this, more often than not, both because he doesn't trust himself and because he hopes it'll give his older brother whatever he needs to – to stay.
They need him.
They need him.
They'll manage it if – if he wants something else, but Hunter wants to keep him here as long as he can just to – something.
He doesn't want Echo to worry about him, though. Doesn't want any of them to. (Crosshair didn't. He wants to matter but he doesn't even know what that means, doesn't know what he wants, only that he shouldn't want anything at all.) Yeah, maybe he's weak or broken or – or something, but they don't need to know that.
At least they don't need to talk about it.
"You okay?" Echo asks.
He swallows with the hopes he'll sound a little less like he wants to cry. "Yeah."
He misses Omega, and it's stupid, because they still live in the same tiny little ship. How can he miss her? It's insane.
"How pathetic."
Shut up, Hunter mentally snarls at the voice eternally repeating in his head. It doesn't matter what Crosshair thought of him.
"You sure?"
No. definitely not. "It doesn't really matter."
He misses the times Omega made him feel like he mattered. Like – she's the only person who could do it – make him feel something other than the gaping emptiness of hurt and loss. And now, she's... He shouldn't be so hurt by this. She's happy, and that's what matters, but he just wants her back. Omega's not ignoring him, really, and it shouldn't matter even if she was, but it still hurts.
(Does she still want them, even? Does she want him? Does anyone?)
"Yeah, it does," Echo argues.
What is he supposed to say to that, really? That he didn't want to go? Everyone already knows that. Doesn't matter. Maybe, if it were someone else asking, if it weren't his older brother who already doubts him when Hunter doubts himself so much already, he'd be willing to say something. But it's Echo, and Hunter has no idea how to react to someone worrying about him – if that's what this is. "I'll be fine, Echo."
The finality in it at least is enough for them to drop it, though Hunter still sees the way Wrecker and Tech exchange glances.
No one says anything.
***
Hunter expected it to hurt far more when Echo left. It hurts, but it's also strangely relieving. Strangely freeing. Echo has doubted his choices for so long, and to feel like he's constantly there, judging and wanting something that Hunter can never give him – it hurt. Now that Echo's gone, he's – he's fighting for something he actually wants and believes in (it's not Hunter it never has been why does he want that so much it's insane).
And one of the things Hunter's been afraid of most is passed, and he won't need to constantly dread it happening.
The others aren't taking it half as smoothly. Wrecker is... a little hurt, but he understands it, for as dejected as he is by it. Tech is angry. He's always angry, and Hunter doesn't entirely think it'll ever stop. He wants it to, but realism says another. Nothing is going to change. Nothing will get better, at least. Not this. Not for them. That's not how it works.
And Omega... to her, Echo has always been one of them, and now, he's gone.
And then they lost the Marauder.
And Tech decided it's Wrecker's fault – which it was, but telling him that repeatedly won't get it back, or do anything except hurt him even more. Omega looks as upset at seeing them arguing as Hunter himself is. They haven't done this since they lost Crosshair in the first place, and that was... months ago. A lifetime ago.
He doesn't even know what they're becoming, but he doesn't like it.
Maybe they're supposed to be a family, but it doesn't feel like that. It's something – stars, he has no idea what he is. What any of them are.
"Are you okay?" Wrecker asks, and the question throws him a little.
They're buried who knows how many feet underground, and Tech just yelled at Omega. He made her cry. And she walked out on them. (What happens if – when – she walks out on them for good?) That shouldn't hurt as much as it does. Tech went after her, finally, and Hunter's still watching his form disappearing from sight.
"Why wouldn't I be?" He's not injured, and he's not... he doesn't really get the point of the question.
Wrecker hesitates, shoving a little on one of the rocks, not enough to move it, but still to make noise. "The kid's right. Echo's gone," he says, sinking onto one of the rocks.
"Yeah," Hunter agrees. It hurts, but they can do nothing except keep moving. "What matters is that he's where he wants to be, even if that's... not the safest place."
Wrecker's shoulders slump a little. He's hurting, too. Hunter hadn't spent nearly enough time thinking about that. "Yeah."
"Are you?" Hunter asks, "Alright with it?"
Wrecker shoves the rock in front of him. He looks exhausted. Tired. Like Hunter is. "'m glad he's happy," he admits, "But – but I wish he'd stayed." Wish doesn't feel like a strong enough term, but Hunter still... understands and accepts it. "When he came, we knew it'd be hard, but I thought he..."
"Wanted us," Hunter finishes, a permanent echo of the one thing that's been in his mind forever.
"I don't wanna lose anyone else."
Hunter wishes he could say we won't, but he can't promise that. Doesn't know if it's true. "Me either. At least he's still –" He cuts himself off because he's going to say with us, and Omega just went on insisting he's not – which he really isn't, but to Hunter, all that matters is that they won't have to fight him.
That he won't try to kill them like Crosshair did.
He thinks Wrecker understands what he's saying, though.
"What if he gets hurt?" Wrecker asks quietly, "What if he needs us?"
And that is the thing that Hunter's most afraid of.
"They're all going to die here because of your failed leadership."
"Echo chose his path," Hunter replies, "We can't do anything except trust him to take care of himself." And find his way back, Hunter doesn't dare say, because that never happens. Won't happen. No one ever wants them. That just doesn't happen. Never has.
(How long will it be, before Omega leaves them, too? Like Echo? Like Crosshair?)
(Is she still angry at Tech? She probably is. Hunter is, but he knows some things are more important than that. He won't lash out at him just because he's angry. Because he's hurt. But seeing them fighting is so wrong, and it hurts.)
Hunter thought it was all him when Crosshair left, but what if it was all of them?
It's not like he can change it. It doesn't matter how much he hears his little brother's voice in his mind, how often he sees his face in his dreams. It won't bring him back.
He's not coming back. Somehow, Hunter needs to come to terms with that.
"Let's get back to work," he says, because they have to get moving and get out of here before they run out of air or stave to death. It's not a fast process, to be certain, and besides, moving is better than just sitting and brooding, but that's basically all he's good at now, isn't it?
***
Pabu is... It's a nice place. The ocean reminds him of Kamino in just the right ways, but it's so much brighter and livelier here. After the tsunami, they stick around to help rebuild, and because they have nowhere else to go.
Sometimes, he can't help thinking this might be what he's waiting for, but now that the prospect of settling down is so close, Hunter has... far more hesitations about it. It's what they need, but it's not that simple. They've only known how to fight. Never anything else.
"Stop pretending to be something you're not."
Wrecker's been hanging out with Lyana and some of the other children a lot. Hunter hasn't actually seen him much since they came here, but he – he feels better about it than he thought he would. Being here, around other people who he can actually... not trust, because Hunter really can't trust anyone anymore, but it's still calming. Freeing. Relaxing. It's not something they've ever had before.
Maybe what they all needed was a short break, some time out of their ship and someplace... else. With people. Not perpetually cooped up with each other and the two gaping holes of emptiness inside him and the constant fear of there being three instead of four. Excluding Gonky, who they nearly lost, too. And Lula.
It somehow doesn't bother Hunter right now. Probably will once they start growing apart, but right now, he needs... something. Some air, maybe. A time to breathe. He hates himself for it a little, but they're on a different mission of sorts now.
And – and Hunter feels safe here. Comfortable, anyway. The people here mostly are refugees, and they're Jedi supporters. Or were. He hasn't seen anyone else here with wings, but that knowledge itself is enough to make him feel... not as out of place about them as he almost always does. Not here. Pabu is... different in that way. No one's asked about his wings. No one's looked at them the way everyone does everywhere else. They won't have to worry about being reported to the Empire. Not out here.
He's comfortable enough that he wants to go flying again, and he'd ask Omega, but... she's busy, and she's having fun, and Hunter doesn't want to pressure her. He'll wait until she comes to him.
"He's become an integral part of this community," Shep says, watching Wrecker take off again, "You all have. Any chance you've reconsidered staying permanently?"
He's been thinking about it. That's really the most Hunter can offer. They need somewhere, and it's what they have to do, but Hunter doesn't fully know how to just walk out of life as a soldier.
"Stop pretending to be something you're not."
"You really don't get who we are, do you?"
"Some come to Pabu looking for a clean slate. A chance to start over. As a father, you couldn't ask for a better place to raise a child."
To tell the truth, that's what they need, but Hunter doesn't know how well any of them could adjust to that. Shep doesn't think the Empire is a danger, but what if he's wrong? What if they do? What if... he doesn't want to have to feel responsible for anyone else. Doesn't want to drag them into trouble as collateral damage.
The fact remains: Crosshair is still out there.
"For soldiers, putting down roots is an occupational hazard," Hunter replies. It doesn't feel like Crosshair's ghost will ever leave him, like he'll ever be able to stop thinking about it, him and what he did to them, but they still – they have a chance, and need to move on.
They're going to have to find a way to live with it eventually.
There's a... thrill to fighting, and that's not something Hunter feels the way he used to, but he's so accustomed to the tenseness and action. He doesn't know how to settle down. How to live without constantly expecting someone to try killing them.
"Is that all you are?" Shep queries, "A soldier?"
He has no idea.
Hunter has no idea what he is. Maybe he never has.
(At least Crosshair knew. Hunter wishes he could say the same about himself.)
When he thinks of it, the word failure is the first that comes to mind.
And freak.
Which are not helpful.
He's about to say that he'll do whatever Omega and his brothers need to protect them when he senses – and hears – the approach of a ship. Feels the whoosh of air through his hair and feathers, and his wings do their shifting-refolding thing almost automatically.
It's just the Marauder. Nothing to worry about.
"More flying lessons?" Shep asks, watching the ship fly off.
Hunter laughs at the mental image of Tech's guaranteed frustration. Omega is a wild pilot and an amazing one even if she's barely learning. "Tech's got his hands full."
Omega's happy here. So is Wrecker. Tech is... at least, more at peace. Hunter doesn't think he can be happy anywhere, to be honest, but he feels far more peaceful here than he has in a long time.
The tension between them has settled out a little now, even if it's not as much as Hunter wishes it had.
Echo's on his way back, even if it's temporary.
Maybe they'll never be able to let go of what Crosshair did to them, but at least for now, Hunter thinks he can hope they'll figure this out. That they can get better. That – they can find peace, even if it'll never be perfect.
They have a chance at a home now.
Maybe.
If his siblings want it.
Maybe they don't have to fight anymore. Maybe... he won't have to worry anymore. Not about one of his brothers dying. Not about Tech getting himself killed over their ceaseless grief.
Maybe they're safe here. Just for now.
Author's Note: Muahahahaha –
~ Rivana Rita
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