CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
I don't understand; it feels like I'm causing myself pain. I've said earlier to move forward and take the lesson what Kerson and I share, but why? Why did I yield to him again? Why did I allow myself to be drawn back in?
Tanga ba talaga ako?
Maybe.
"Kenzo," I called out to him as we shared dinner.
"Hmm? Is your stomach hurting?" he asked, his concern evident.
I shook my head and reached for my glass, filled with milk. Kenzo always prepares milk for me during breakfast and dinner.
"Uhm. . . Gusto ko sana puntahan si Mama," mahinang saad ko.
Bigla siya napatigil sa pagnguya ng kaniyang pagkain. He looked at me silently. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang tinatakbo ng isip niya.
"Ready ka na?" he smiled at me.
I smiled bitterly. Ready na nga ba ako? Handa na ba ako? Handa ko na ba uli marinig ang masasakit niyang salita? Kaya ko na ba? Kaya ko na ba harapin si Mama? Kakayanin ko na ba saktan ako ni Mama?
"Siguro?" I laughed sarcastically. "Bahala na. Nami-miss ko na rin si Bryan at Mama, eh. . ."
He poured water into his glass and took a sip. He clicked his tongue against the side of his teeth.
"Okay lang sa 'kin, Lyy," he smiled at me, "Alam ko rin naman sobrang miss ka rin nila,"
Pumikit ako ng marahan at nagiisip. Sana totoo. . .sana totoong nami-miss nila ako.
Sana nga. Si Mama iyon, eh.
Our last conversation was while my belongings were being thrown on the street, and I was being kicked out. Until now, the pain lingers in my heart and mind. It seems like it won't go away; every detail is etched into me.
Pero okay lang. . .
Ganu'n siguro ang trato niya kung paano ako mahalin. Ganu'n siguro ang tanging daan niya para iparamdam ang pagmamahal niya sa akin. Ganu'n siguro.
Siguro 'yon ang kaya niyang gawin.
"Gusto mo sumama ako?" he asked.
Umiiling-iling lang ako bilang sagot.
"H'wag na. Uuwi rin naman ako rito," I responded.
Nagkunot-noo siya. Hindi ko mainitindihan kung ganito ba talaga ang tanginang kaibigan ko. Ang kulit!
"Sure ka? Paano kung saktan ka uli?" Nagaalala tanong niya.
"Eh 'di saktan niya 'ko. Nasanay na ako roon," natatawang sabi ko.
Tumayo si Kenzo at iniligpit niya ang pinagkainan na'ming dalawa at ramdam na ramdam ko ang mabigat niyang paghinga.
"Alyzza, iba ang sitwasyon mo noon, at ngayon. Noon, sinanay ka ni Tita na saktan ka pero. . .ngayon? Hindi p'wede. Hinding-hindi. Hindi ko mapapatawad ang sarili ko kung may mangyari sa inaanak ko. Magpapakatatay pa ako r'yan, eh." Kenzo laughed softly as he cleaned our dining area.
"You're pregnant, Alyzza," He faced me, his words coming out gently from his lips.
"Ipapaalala ko lang sa'yo, magkakaroon ka nang anak. Ayoko maulit ang mangyari noon. Magiging Tito ako ng anak mo. Ituturing ko pang anak 'yan. Aalagaan ko pa parang ako ang tatay niyan,"
I smiled at him. I don't know why I have a friend like him. Do I deserve it?
I feel my heart melting because of his words. I can clearly see fear and concern in his eyes, and it warms my heart to have someone who cares this much.
"Please, makipag-cooperate ka naman, oh. Kahit hindi ako ang totoong tatay niyan, kaya ko magpaka-tatay sa kaniya. Kaibigan mo ako, Alyzza. . . I'll stay whatever happens. Yayakapin ko kayong buong-buo kung kinakailangan niyo,"
I approached him and hugged him tightly. I'm not one to show sweetness often, but my genuine care is evident in moments like these.
"Thank you, Kenzo," my voice cracked. "You're going to be an Tito na,"
I loosened my hug from him and looked him in the eye. He wiped his hand with a towel, his smile widening. He seemed about to say something but held back.
Kenzo's eyes sparkled with emotion, a mixture of delight and profound realization. He stood there, processing the significance of becoming an uncle, a warmth spreading across his face. As he wiped his hand with a towel, a tender smile played on his lips, a silent acknowledgment of the shared joy and responsibility that lay ahead.
"Tito Kenzo, what's on your mind?" I asked jokingly, laughing.
"Ihahatid ko kayo. Maghihintay ako sa labas para masigurado kong okay kayo, at hindi kayo nasaktan," He bit his lower lip.
Minsan lang kami magusap ng matino ni Kenzo. Out of the blue moon lang talaga.
"Okay, bhie!" masayang sagot.
"Wait! ano'ng Tito Kenzo? Yuck, tunog panot," nagsalubong ang kaniyang dalawang kilay. "Dada ang itatawag niyan sa akin tapos ako rin magpapangalan sa anak mo,"
Kenzo met my glare with an expression of surprise, his eyes widening slightly. The air seemed to hold a brief pause, charged with unspoken tension.
Siya ba ang tatay? Paepal palagi, eh!
"Anak mo? Anak mo? Butasan ko tagiliran mo!" mataray kong sabi, "At ano naman ipapangalan mo?"
I smell something. Tarantado 'to, e! Kahit kailan may tililing sa utak 'to!
"Brownie, 'pag lalaki. Budang, kapag babae," he suddenly laughed out loud. He laughed so much that his face almost turned red.
He's funny, huh? I raised my fist and punched him in the arm.
"Tangina, ang sakit!" Ngiwi niya.
"Tangina mo rin! Aso ba anak ko?" mataray kong tugon.
"Hindi," mabilis niyang sagot. "Pero 'yung tita niya, mukhang aso."
Putangina! Nadamay na naman si Shainny. Kapag usapang aso, si Shainny agad ang iniisip ko. Gagong Lance kasi, eh!
After our conversation, we left together. Kenzo insisted on driving me to Mama's house and decided to wait inside the car. I felt unsure of what to do, a mix of fear and nervousness causing my hands to become sweaty. Ilang buwan akong hindi nagparamdam—hindi nagpakita. Ilang buwan ko silang iniwanan at iniwasan dahil nasaktan ako.
Nasaktan ako. Masakit. Hanggang ngayon, nandito pa rin ang sugat. Hanggang ngayon, nandito pa rin ang trauma. In the midst of pain and hatred, confusion clouded my mind, leaving me uncertain about what to do next.
Nagbuga ako ng mabigat na paghinga bago kumatok. Standing in front of the door, ready to face them. I hesitated as the voice of my youngest brother, Bryan, reached my ears. Memories of my little brother flooded my thoughts, and I felt a sudden longing for him.
"Ate, may tao!" Bryan almost shouted. "Wait lang, ho,"
"Buksan mo na 'yan," Ate Kissha said softly.
After hearing those words from him, my world was breaking like a glass. . . I really miss them. Gustong-gusto ko siya yakapin ng mahigpit na mahigpit para iparamdam kung gaano ako nangungulila sa kaniya. Ilang buwan ako nawala pero parang dekada ako nawalay sa kanila.
Mahal ko ang pamilya ko. . . Kahit masakit na.
The door opened, and Bryan's eyes widened at the sight of me. He stood there, unable to move, clearly surprised by my presence. He bit his lower lip, and tears welled up in his eyes.
"Hi, bunso!" I managed a painful smile.
He remained silent, his nose turning red as he fought back tears. At any moment now, his tears would start to fall.
"A-Ate. . .Is it really you?" he asked with a mix of disbelief and hope in his voice.
I chuckled softly and knelt down to his level. He's really adorable! His cheeks have gotten chubby too.
"Oo naman," I said with calm voice. "Na-miss ka ng Ate mo. Halika nga, hug mo si Ate,"
He quickly came to my side and hugged me tightly. I could feel his shoulders shaking as he cried. My baby brother, the youngest, is crying on my shoulder.
"A-Ate. . . Bakit mo po kami iniwan?" he asked, crying silently on my shoulders."
"Ikaw lang kakampi ko rito tapos iiwan mo ako. . . Kapag pinapalo ako ni Mama, ikaw hinahanap ko. When Mama is mad at me, I want to cry with you. . .and next to you, but you leave me. . ." he whispered. Each word he spoke felt like a weight on my chest.
My brother needed me, yet he also felt abandoned.
"Paggising ko po umaga, umalis ka na raw sabi ni Ate Kissha. . . Iyak na akong iyak kasi wala na akong kakampi rito. . . Wala na magtatanggol sa akin, Kawawa na si Bryan. . . Kailangan ko po ng Ate sa tabi para may yayakap sa akin sa tuwing malungkot at nasasaktan ako. . ."
I feel pain, repentance, and bereavement. That's all I experience now. Pain—I was in pain during that time, not knowing what to do with my life. I tried to fix everything, but all I got was pain. Self-blaming—it's my fault. I blame myself for why my youngest brother felt things he shouldn't feel. Bereavement—I left for several months and didn't show up because it was necessary. I had to get away.
I tried to mend what was broken, but the pain persisted. Repentance clawed at me as I reflected on my decisions. Bereavement consumed me as I stayed away, unintentionally leaving my youngest brother to grapple with his emotions alone.
The ache in my heart deepened with each passing day.
Ako dapat ang nasa tabi niya pero—nasa malayo ako. Lumayo ako sa kanila. Iniwan ko sila. . .iniwan ko siya.
"B-Bunso. . ." my voice trembled, struggling to contain my tears. "Listen to Ate, okay?"
I pulled back from the hug and looked into his eyes. The pain in those eyes was unmistakable. He shook his head in response. I wiped my tears with the back of my hand, attempting to regain control, but each wipe seemed to open the floodgates anew.
"Hindi ka iniwan ni Ate mo. Hinding-hindi kita iniwan. . . Nawala lang ako sa tabi mo dahil kailangan. Kinalangan ni Ate ganda mo iyon. . .gusto mo bang nakikita si Ate ganda na nasasaktan at umiiyak?"
"H-Hindi. Ayaw ko po," he pouted. Pinunasan niya ang luha niya gamit ang damit na suot niya.
I brushed his hair softly, trying to calm him. "I'm here now, Bryan. I promise I won't leave again. I'm sorry for leaving you. It won't happen again, okay?"
He looked up at me, his eyes red from crying. "P-Promise, Ate?"
I nodded, "Promise, bunso. I love you."
We stayed like that for a while, holding each other, trying to heal the wounds caused by my absence.
"Lagi mong tatandaan na kahit wala ako sa tabi mo, ikaw pa rin ang baby bunso ko. Ikaw pa rin ang gwapo kong kapatid," I smiled at him. "Mahal ka ni Ate ganda. Sobra pa sa sobra,"
"I love you, ate ganda," he said with soft voice. "I missed you po,"
"I love you so much, so much," saad ko habang kinikiliti ko siya sa kilikili at tagiliran.
"Ate, h'wag po r'yan," he laughed. Sarap pakinggan ang bawat tawa niya. "Teka po, may ibibigay po ako sa inyo,"
"Ano 'yan? H'wag mong sabihin gumatos ka naman sa isang laruan," I frowned.
"Ate ganda," Bryan called me with a sense of modesty upon his arrival. "Here, oh. . ."
He extended his arms gracefully, presenting a delicate white paper. I accepted it with a tinge of surprise, carefully observing the intricate drawing and heartfelt writing adorning its surface.
As my fingers approached to unfold the paper, he gently halted my movement.
"Ate, sa susunod mo na buksan iyan, pagkauwi mo," He bit his lower lip, a bit embarrassed. "That's my gift. It was your birthday last month. I'm sorry; it's all I could do. Don't worry, I'll study hard and graduate so I can give you gifts like perfume, a dress, and I'll buy you a big, big, big cake!"
As I listened to those heartfelt words, tears welled up in my eyes. My heart swelled with happiness because of him. It's remarkable that Bryan, at ten years old, already thinks about the future, and I'm part of his aspirations.
"Thank you! But I don't need physical things because having you is more than enough. Knowing you're safe is the best gift,"
I hugged him again and planted kisses on his cheeks, both sides, and his forehead. As I playfully tickled his neck, someone suddenly called out to my brother.
"Bunso, ang tagal mo? Sino ba'ng kausap mo, ha?" I heard that voice. Alam ko na kung sino, si Ate Kissha.
Magpapaalam na sana si Bryan sa akin na puntahan ang isa niya pang ate ay bigla akong nanigas sa kinatatayuan ko. Nanlaki ang mga mata nito nang makita niya ako sa harapan niya.
"Alyzza?" mahinang tawag sa akin. "Bakit narito ka? May nakalimutan ka bang gamit?"
Alam ko na naman na pagsasabihan akong masama at sarcastisko pero ayaw ko makipagtalo sa kaniya. Pumunta ako rito para sa kanila, hindi para makipagaway.
"Bunso, pasok ka muna. Tawagin mo si Mama," mahinahon kong saad kay Bryan.
"Nasaan si Mama?" tanong ko, bumaling ako ng tingin kay ate. Hindi ko sinagot ang tanong nito. Hinayaan ko na lang para hindi na humaba.
Umiwas siya ng tingin sa akin nang bigla ko itanong tungkol kay Mama. Tagal ko na hindi nakikita si Mama. I miss her, too.
"Wala. Natutulog." maikling sagot niya. "Pake mo ba? Alis!"
"Ate!" I almost shouted at her. "Nasaan si Mama? May tinatago ba kayo sa akin na hindi ko alam?"
She laughed sarcastically. "Alyzza, para sabihin ko sa'yo, pinalayas ka na ni Mama," duro niya sa akin.
"Bakit parang kasalanan ko? Bakit palaging ako? Kailan ako magiging tama sa'yo?" I asked her. Nararamdaman ko na naman na may nagbabadyang luha sa aking mga mata. "A-Ate. . . Bakit ba galit na galit ka sa akin kahit wala akong ginagawa sa'yo?"
"It's your fault! It's all your fault why Papa is gone! I'm angry because everything I love goes to you. . . Alyzza, It must be nice to be you. . . always loved. Always protected. Always made happy. Always taken care of. . .b-but me?"
Ate Kissha came to the front and pulled me out of the house, dragging me to the garden. Being outside might be better so they can't hear us arguing.
"Laging iniiwan. Laging pinapabayaan. Laging nasasaktan. Lagi akong options dahil ikaw palagi ang first choice nila! Ikaw lagi ang pinipili nila! Si Grayne. Si Zack. Pinipili ka nang kusa. . ." I stared at her, witnessing her tears slowly falling.
It was the first time I had seen her cry in front of me.
I stood there in silence, feeling every impact of her words. Tila sa bawat labas ng salita mula sa kaniyang labi, sinasampal at sinusuntok ako.
"A-Alyzza. . . kapatid kita, pero minsan pinagdadasal ko na sana ikaw na lang ang namatay, hindi si Papa. S-Sana namatay ka na lang para ako naman ang piliin. . . para wala rin ako kahati sa mamahalin ko. . ."
I covered my mouth, shocked by her words. I couldn't believe what she was saying. Did she want me to die? Why wish for such a disease on me?
Tears welled up in my eyes as her words felt like a million knives stabbing into me. I stood there in disbelief, my hand over my mouth. Her words were like a cruel dagger, piercing through me. Did she truly wish for me to suffer this way?
The tears welled up, a painful response to the harsh reality of her words.
"Hirap mo naman maging kapatid. Sobrang hirap mo naman maging ate!"
I shook my head, wiping my tears, "A-Ate. . . Tama ka. Sana ako na lang ang namatay, hindi si Papa. . .grabe ka! Para lang sa lalaki, kinailangan mo akong patayin. . ." Pumikit ako ng marahan para kahit papaano ay mabawasan ang kirot na nararamdaman.
"H-Hindi. . . Hindi ko sinasadya mabuhay, pasensiya ka na," I murmered.
"To tell you this, nagpaubaya ako. Ibinigay ko si Eleazar sa'yo kahit hindi naman dapat. . .nakipaghiwalay ako sa kaniya dahil iyon ang gusto mo! Binigay ko sa'yo ng buong-buo!"
I shook my head repeatedly. My entire body trembles with the unfolding situation. I feel a sense of weakness washing over me with every word I hear from her.
I gazed into my eyes, tears streaming down continuously, "Binigay mo nga pero hindi naman niya ako minahal,"
"Hindi ko kasalanan 'yon! Hindi ko hawak ang puso niya, Ate!" I nearly shouted at her, worried about waking her up. "You know, if I could just hold him and if I could control his heart, I would have done it, I would have made him love you!" I expressed in frustration.
Mali na 'to.
Inggit ang pinapairal na na'min,
Inggit sa puso,
Inggit sa isa't isa,
"Ate. . . ang dami pang lalaki na kaya kang mahalin. . ." Napaupo ako sa sakit. Hindi ko na kinaya. Hindi ko na kaya pigilan ang sarili ko. Naririnig ko ang bawat hikbi at pangsinghot nito.
"H-H'wag mo naman ikulong ang sarili mo sa inggit. . . Ate, kung kaya ko lang talaga, matagal ko na ginawa. . . P-Pero hindi ko kontralado iyon. . ."
Tumingin ako sa mga mata nito, namumula dahil kakaiyak. "Tangina naman! Mahal kita, Ate, kaya nagpaubaya ako at ibinigay ko sa'yo ang taong mahal ko noon. . . Dahil sabi mo mahal mo si Eleazar! "
"A-ate, ayoko nang ganito. Pagod na ako awayin ka. . . P-Pagod na pagod na ako. Maawa ka naman, ate. . ." sabi ko at halos mapiyok ako dahil sa pagiyak ko. "Ano bang gusto mong gawin ko?!
I took a deep breath to calm myself, reminding myself that it was necessary. I remained seated in front of her, on the verge of tears. I fulfilled my duty as a sister, giving her the person she loves, even though. . . I love that person too. Pinaubaya ko sa kaniya ang mahal ko noon. Nagpaubaya ako!
"Alyzza," her voice shuttered. Her eyes still held pain. "Si Zack na lang. Kahit siya na lang,"
I stood up in shock because of what she said. She was trying to avoid me.
"Napano si Zack?" I asked innocently, even though I already had an idea. I knew something, even if she didn't continue.
"H'wag mong sabihin si Zack ang mahal mo?" I added.
Tumango ito ng ilang beses habang sa bawat tango nito ay kasabay ang pagtulo ng luha niya.
Magpapaubaya na naman ako? Paano naman ang para sa akin? Para sa anak ko? Ibibigay ko na naman ba? Kailan magiging buo ang para sa akin?
"Oo, Alyzza. . . Mahal ko siya. Sa akin na lang siya," saad niya.
"Ate, hindi laruan ang mga lalaki, at lalong hindi basta-basta ibibigay ang ganiyang bagay, pero. . . H-Hindi p'wede. Hindi na p'wede,"
Hindi ko na p'wede dahil aalis na siya bukas. Hindi na p'wede dahil magkakaroon na kaming anak.
Hindi na p'wede dahil mahal ko na siya, at kailangan ko na rin magdamot.
Para sa akin muna. Kasiyahan ko muna at ang kasiyahan ng anak ko.
"Bakit hindi p'wede?" She asked.
"Basta. Bawal at ayoko." I answered.
"I'm asking you, Alyzza! Tell me now!" Sigaw niya.
"Gusto mong malaman?!" I shouted back at her, too.
I didn't care anymore about maintaining respect, as what she was doing was no longer worthy of respect.
"Tangina, bawal! Hindi na siya p'wede dahil buntis ako almost two months! Kaya ayoko magpaubaya. Magdadamot ako dahil may dapat akong ipagdamot. Magdadamot ako dahil kailangan siya ng anak ko, kahit hindi na ako, ang anak ko na lang. . ."
Ate Kisha covered her mouth, her eyes widening in shock. A mix of pain and disbelief was evident in her gaze. She turned away, needing a moment to process the overwhelming emotions. The uncertainty in her eyes revealed she was grappling with how to respond to the unexpected revelation.
"B-Buntis ka, anak?" tanong ni Mama.
N A M E L E S S G U Y 2 5