italics = flashing back to earlier in the day,
just so the time isn't confusing. also a brief
trip down memory lane
ALSO!!! 9.1k?! I LOVE ALL OF YOU!
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JOEL MILLER HAD MANY REGRETS IN LIFE. But right now, none compared to the events that had taken place just a couple of hours ago. This was the first time Josie seemed genuinely upset with him, and he wasn't sure what to do to make things right.
It had taken a bit of convincing, but he'd reluctantly agreed that they could spend the night in Bill and Frank's place and then head back out in the morning. Of course, Joel wanted to leave right away. And he wasn't shy in saying exactly that.
But of course, Ellie begged to have the chance to sleep in a bed that was comfortable, and to be able to take at least one more shower with water that was actually hot if she wanted it to be.
Hearing all of that, Joel still said no. But then he saw the way Josie tried to shake off the way he knew her body had to have been hurting. Watched as she said she'd go and repack her backpack, and then she'd be ready to leave whenever he wanted.
In that moment, Joel felt guilty. Despite instances where they disagreed, Josie was never one to argue. Tess once asked why she never really pushed back with either of them. If she strongly disagreed, she'd say so but even after voicing her opinion, at the end of the day she'd simply follow Joel and Tess.
At first, Josie said she didn't know. But after thinking about it she said that despite them reassuring her that she pulls her weight, she feels like she doesn't do enough. That she knows the 2 of them would get by just fine without her, but she probably wouldn't get very far without them.
Hearing that pulled at Joel's heartstrings. Later when Tess was heading back to her place, Joel asked Josie to stay behind and said he'd walk her home after.
That night, they ended up talking for nearly 3 hours. Joel learned all about Josie's life before the outbreak, and he smiled at the way she talked about Pietro. And Josie felt honored that Joel was comfortable enough to talk about Sarah. She learned all about the trickster that she was, and how Sarah and Tommy would often gang up on him.
Towards the end of their conversation, Joel got a little more serious. Josie replayed his words in her mind whenever she was doubting herself.
"You will always have a place with me, and Tess. Don't ever think that you're not as much a part of everything. You do plenty for us, and I know I — we wouldn't be okay without you."
Forcing himself to put an end to that trip down memory lane, Joel sighs. Despite how she clearly also wants to spend the night in a real bed and have another hot shower in the morning, Josie is ready to do what Joel wants. And he knows if he said let's go right now, she'd be the first one out the door.
"Okay," he finds himself saying. "We can stay, but only one night."
Ellie nearly falls out of her chair in excitement, saying she's going to go finish exploring the room that she'd claimed as hers if they were to spend the night.
Once she's gone, Josie walks over to Joel. In a moment that he secretly wished would last forever, Josie gives him a kiss on the cheek. When she steps back, that smile he'd quickly come to love was on her face.
"I know you're not fond of staying. So thank you."
"S'nothing," Joel tried to play of off. "Truth be told my back and knees could probably use a good nights rest in a bed."
"Well thank you anyway," she gives him another smile before heading back upstairs, saying she was going to go and look through the closet in the room that they all thought of as hers.
When they first started visiting Bill and Frank, Frank was quick to offer Josie pretty much anything she wanted. She first asked if he had a spare plain shirt, and by their next visit her closer was nearly full of them on hangers.
Things stayed okay for the next few hours. Everyone ended up taking a second hot shower, wanting to make use of the luxury while they still could. After that, they all ended up in the living room and for a while just sat and enjoyed the silence, and the comfortable couch.
There wasn't much conversation, but it was a comfortable silence that the trio had fallen into. Josie and Joel sat next to each other on the couch, and Ellie was sat on one of the chairs across from them.
The downhill turn started out innocent enough. Ellie began asking questions about the world before the outbreak, as she often did. This time, she focused her questions towards Josie. Since Josie was 16 when the world went to shit, and Ellie was currently only a couple of years younger than that, she was fascinated to hear what life was like for a teenager.
High school sounded like such a strange concept. Ellie couldn't imagine what it must've been like to go to school with that many other kids. Things like football games and prom seemed like they were from another world.
Eventually, the conversation turned to Pietro. Ellie knew Josie had a twin brother, and that after the outbreak they only had a few weeks together before he sacrificed himself and led a hoard of infected in one direction so that Josie could run in the other. Josie reassured Ellie that she liked talking about her brother, so the younger girl now asked about him every so often.
After a while though, Josie started getting a little sad. Joel picked up on that right away, and was a few seconds away from telling Ellie to talk about something else, when she changed the subject on her own.
"So... are we gonna talk about the elephant in the room?"
Joel and Josie looked at her, confused.
"Huh?"
"The hell are you talking about?"
Ellie sighs and looks at Joel. "I know you know that I read all of Bill's letter to you. Are you really not gonna tell her?" She motions to Josie.
Ah, Josie thought. So Bill did mention something, just like Frank had with her.
"Knock it off Ellie," Joel shook his head. Though he spoke softly, there was a clear warning to quit while she was ahead.
"After we've come all this way and you know what his dying wish was. He said to tell Josie how you f—"
"Ellie ENOUGH!" Joel slams his hand down on the table. "Goddamnit you need to learn when to keep your mouth shut. Go upstairs now."
Ellie stands up. "Hey man I—"
"Upstairs. Now."
Deciding it wasn't worth a big fight, Ellie throws her hands up in defeat and stomps upstairs, making sure to slam the bedroom door as loud as she possibly can.
Josie is unsure of what to do. On one hand, Joel clearly doesn't want to talk about this. But on the other, Bill, Frank, even Ellie, were all right. No one knew how much time they had left. So maybe...
"I think we should, talk about the letters."
"No."
"Yes."
Joel is momentarily stunned. Whenever he made it clear he wouldn't / couldn't talk about something, normally that was the end of it.
"We — I can't."
Josie pulls the folded up piece of paper from her pocket and begins to read.
"I see the way you look at each other when—"
"We can't Josie! I can't have this conversation with you right now!"
"But why!" This time, Josie was the one to slam her hand down. "Joel we have to talk about this. It was one of Franks last wishes for me to tell you... and it sounds like Bill said something to you too. I think we need to—"
Joel stood up. "I'm not doing this. My purpose is to find somewhere to drop the kid off, and then get to Tommy. That's it. I'm not having conversations about feelings I don't have."
You could've heard a pin drop with how silent it became. Seeing the look on Josie's face, Joel knew he fucked up. He didn't mean it, God he didn't mean it.
And he wanted to take it all back. But before he could, Josie wiped a tear away and walked to the stairs.
"Josie—"
"Don't, Joel. I will help you find Tommy and get Ellie to wherever she needs to be. You don't wanna talk about feelings so we won't. You're the boss."
That was nearly 2 hours ago. Josie went upstairs, but instead of slamming the door like Ellie had, Joel heard it quietly click shut. He wished she'd slam the doors, be angry at him. To know she was probably just feeling hurt, that was worse.
This was it. If he goes upstairs right now and confesses everything, tells Josie he's in love with her, it might take a while but he's sure things would turn out alright. It didn't have to be complicated.
But if Joel was good at anything, it was overcomplicating things. That, and not thinking highly of himself. Despite the occasional pep-talk from Tess, Joel still thought of himself as damaged goods at best. He was approaching his late 50's, what did he really have to offer Josie?
Maybe it was better this way. Josie would be angry with him, but Joel doesn't think he can give her the life that she deserves.
Upstairs, Josie's mind is racing as she begins to think about what the rest of this trip will look like. Although she's hurt by Joel's words, she still genuinely hopes that they're able to find Tommy alive.
After thinking about it for nearly an hour, Josie realizes that her thoughts from what feels like forever ago, still stand. Now that things are out in the open and it's clear Frank and evidently Bill read things wrong, Josie knows she can't continue traveling with Joel.
Things would only continue to grow more awkward now that Joel knew of Josie's feelings, but they weren't mutual.
It may end up killing her, but Josie knows they just have to get to Tommy.
Joel said that Josie was all he had left, but at least if he's reunited with his brother, it won't hurt as much when she goes her own way.
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a/n ~ awkward place to end it BUT i didn't
want to make this too long!