I pulled up to the house in the new car, my back feeling less knotted do to the massage treatment but my head still ached, my thoughts tangled up in the fact hyunjin would call or even worse, show up any moment.
I got out and locked the car before heading up the elevator and making it to the third floor. I unlocked my door and walked in, hoping I'd have at least time to take a long hot shower before hyunjin showed up, I've thought about him all day and yet I know none of the ideas I have are going to go over smoothly, I'm going to hurt him again and it's driving me crazy. At least this will be the last time...
I passed my bed and walked through my living room to the bathroom, I took of my clothes, throwing them in the laundry basket before picking out a towel for when I get out. I hopped inside and turned on the faucet, warm water of course.
Maybe I should just tell hyunjin the truth, "I'm in love with your body but I'm actually interested in someone else" ok no, scratch that. That's not even really the truth.......I don't know like his body....I like his voice too, and the way he talks to me..
But he just doesn't know me like he thinks he does, he makes me out to be some confused romantic but I'm not, he is. Im only confused on why I've let this go on so long, I mean hyunjin has had feelings for me since college....I knew even back then..
I don't know.....I just can't let this go any further, the quicker I end it the faster he can heal...
I am going to miss him though.....more than a little..
........
I stayed in the shower, washing up for a little over twenty minutes or so before getting out, I sighed as I stepped out, still clueless on my plan. I ran the towel over my hair before I wrapped it around my waist then I stepped out of the bathroom and out into the small hallway.
Knock* knock*
"shit"
"I'm coming!" I shouted as I speed walked past the living room and bed to the door, I stopped for a moment to take a deep breath. Ok, just remember what Felix said, don't be a dummy.
I opened the door, it was hyunjin as expected. This time with another bouquet of flowers, not roses but daffodils this time.
"Hi innie." He greeted happily. Oh God, I hate myself..
"Uh hi jinnie, c'mon in." I said before heading back inside the apartment, keeping the door wide open for him as he followed behind me.
"Have a nice shower?" He joked, pointing out my lack of clothes as he walked towards the kitchen, placing the flowers with the ones from yesterday.
"Oh yeah, just a quick one." I said, my shaky tone feeling obvious.
"Hm, you should have waited for me, pretty boy." He smiled as he gently placed each daffodil in the vase on the counter.
"Ha...yeah I guess.." i mumbled as I moved into the living room, sitting on one of my lounge chairs. Hyunjin looked back at me,a worried expression painted on his soft features.
"Are you ok, babydoll?" He asked as he crossed the room, stopping in front of me.
"You look tired, didn't you get enough rest?" He asked as he lifted my chin, probably to inspect the bags under my eyes.
"No- i just, I've been worrying....a lot, all day actually." I admitted. Hyunjin tilted his head before reaching out and grabbing my hands, he lifted me to my feet before switching our places, quickly pulling me into his lap as we now sat in the chair together.
"What about? Can i help you, you can tell me." He assured me. I shook my head, completely lost on what to say now. The sooner I end it the sooner jinnie can heal..
"I- I'm just so sorry jinnie." I said, my eyes becoming glossy. Hyunjin looked at me pitifully, cupping my cheek and shaking his head.
"No, no c'mon baby don't be upset, everything is fine-" he cooed before I cut him off, maybe the most frightening seconds of my Life.
"No hyunjin, it's not. Nothing is ok, it's not your fault though, it's mine." I blurted out, I couldn't hold back my tears any longer, I wish I could but i can't, I can hardly breathe.
"Baby please." Hyunjin whined, wiping my eyes. I pushed his hand away, standing up and backing away towards my bed.
"No, no I'm sorry I- I can't stop crying, but this isn't about me, I'm so sorry for hurting you jinnie." I sniffled as I wiped my tear soaked cheek. Hyunjin just looked more confused but stood up anyway, walking towards me.
"No! No just back up, please."
"Why? What's wrong?" He asked, his voice sounded so hurt, not like yesterday but different, like he was almost as scared as I was.
"Because I want to talk but I don't want to get distracted." I explained, my back hitting the end of the bed as I reached the end of the living room.
"Well than let's talk, just tell me whats going on?" He asked, keeping his distance. As usual doing what I've asked.
"I-i don't know how to say this, and I know you're going to be mad at me either way.....but I'm sorry for yesterday and I'm sorry about tonight."
"What are you saying?" He asked quietly, his brows furrowed as he pressed his lips together in thought, tilting his head.
"It was cruel, what I've done to you, last night and now, and for the past four years, I was just using you jinnie and yesterday you reminded me how much I missed your touch, so I lied to you again.....I just didn't want to see you sad anymore."
Hyunjin's mouth was partly open now, his eyes looked so disgusted and hurt. I turned away towards the bed.
"I'm so sorry jinnie." I cried as I tried my best to not turn back around, I just had to rip it off. That's what I'm supposed to do.
I know you're upset and probably wanna scream at me, which is reasonable.....but-"
"Why?" He asked. My heart dropped, I just want to sink into the ground.
"Why......why is it so hard for you to love me, why is it so easy to hurt me?" He asked, I turned around as I heard him walking towards me, I immediately put my hand up, placing it on his chest as I kept him at a distance. I didn't look up, I couldn't.
"I don't know.."
"You don't know?" He mutterd, I shook my head, still looking down at my feet.
"Jeongin.....I love you.."
"Why?" I whined, finally looking into his eyes. My chest tightening as his gaze met mine.
"Because" his eyes began to water, his voice suddenly a hurt whine. "You were my first love, I've thought about you every day since, you could say you love me right now and I'd fall to my knees and worship you, I love you unconditionally, always." He said, every word clear as day, even as he choked over each one.
"I don't love you jinnie, you have to leave." I said, my entire body a shaking mess.
"And if I ever call, don't answer."
............
"Ok...." He nodded, before stepping back, fixing his posture, and wiping his cheek. He smiled, almost bittersweet. "I don't regret any of it..... honestly." He said quietly. We looked at each other for one more short moment before he walked past me and to the front door, walking out.
After finding the will to move, I walked to the door, locking it before falling back onto my bed. I began to sob, crying so hard that I started to remember what it was like to loose someone. It didn't hurt quite as bad, but it was close.... the guilt hurt the most..
(.....)
I was still crying hour's later, my arms wrapped around my knees as I was left with nothing but my thoughts.....and actions, mistakes... I hope jinnie finds someone, someone who can love him the right way...
Buzz* buzz*buzz*
"Hm?" I wiped my eyes again as I looked around for the ringing device. Oh God I hope it's not hyunjin....or Felix, I won't be able to stand the embarrassment of telling him what happened..
I grabbed it and checked the contact "seungmin?" That's not so bad, I sniffled, clearing my voice before answering.
"Hello?"
"Hi jeongin I know it's kinda late, but I just got a raise at the hospital today and thought I might be able to take you to a more expensive breakfast tomorrow, if you'd like?" Seungin said happily. Wait hospital?
"You work at a hospital?"
"Oh yeah, I didn't mention that? Well yeah I'm a nurse."
"Oh, that's so cool, I'm happy you got a raise, you deserve it." I said, sitting up as I realized the heavy feeling in my chest was starting to fade. Maybe he can stay on the phone with me a little longer..
"Thanks so much, I have been picking up a lot more shifts lately so it's really not that big of a deal, uh anyway....can I pick you up at nine again?" He asked, that fimilar cute nervousness still showing in his tone.
"Yeah, of course, I would love that."