Hyunjin's eyes flashed down to mine, his hands suddenly frozen on my hips, unmoving, as if in some kind of shock. Oh God, please don't freak out..
"You want me to leave, now?" He asked, sounding almost insulted. I nodded slowly as I massaged my palms into his shoulders, attempting to keep him calm before I inevitably piss him off more.
"Yeah.... t-thats ok, right? I mean you said you were fine with going back to how it used to be." I said, mumbling quietly as I looked down between us, avoiding his eyes that were no doubt boreing into mine.
"I can't even stay the night?" He asked sharply.
"Please jinnie don't take it personally, I'm just really busy tomorrow-"
"Yeah ok, sure." He said bitterly as he pulled away from me, throwing the sheet to the side harshly. "I just made you more money than most guys get in a month, and I can't even stay the night." Hyunjin snapped, giving me the meanest look I think I've ever seen him wear, he looked so angry yet I can still see the glossiness in his eyes as he held back tears. Damn it...
"Jinnie, please." I leaned off the side of the bed, reaching out for him and grabbing his hips, he looked down at me with the same hurt, angry expression. "Jinnie, baby please don't do this, I'm not saying this to get away from you, I'm serious I really am busy tomorrow, I swear." I said, placing my hand on his cheek, cupping it as I spoke. "I'll be free tomorrow night, ok, you can come back and we can spend the night together again, no camera's."
Hyunjin's eyes instantly softened, his trembling lips suddenly still before turning up into a small smile. "Really......I can come back, tomorrow night?"
"Yeah, we can cuddle and watch a movie, is that better?" I asked. I know what I'm saying might not be the full truth but it could be, just for a while. I know this seems wrong but it's not all lies, trust me if you had to see Hyunjin's sad puppy dog eyes, you'd lie too. I just want him to be happy...
Hyunjin's smile grew wider before he leaned down to me, wrapping his arms around me in a tight hug. "That sounds lovely.." he said softly, nuzzling his nose against the back of my jaw. "I'll miss you every second."
"Uh, I'll miss you too jinnie." I said shakily, he pulled back to look into my eyes, his hand cupping my chin. "I just want you to be happy." I said.
"Thank you innie, you do make me happy." He smiled before pecking my lips.
"Ok, I'll go. Have a good rest babydoll." He said as he reached for his T-shirt and jeans. He threw his clothes on quickly and walked to the door.
"Bye jinnie...."
"Bye innie." He said with a little wave, before he turned the knob and walked out the door.
I stared towards the door for a while, was that really a mistake....of course it was....
But I do love Hyunjin....so maybe it'll be ok...
I laid back down, shutting my eyes tightly as I forced my mind to shut up, I don't want to think about this anymore.
(......)
Buzz* Buzz!* Buzz!!*
"Ugh, what the hell.." I mumbled as my eyes fluttered open, the buzzing noise kept going as my brain fog tried to clear. Oh shit, my phone. I reached to the side of me, trying to follow the sound, quickly picking up my phone and answering it at what was probably the very last second.
"Yeah?" I mumbled.
"Innie!" Felix cheered excitedly, I instinctively moved away from the phone as my eardrums almost exploded.
"Oh my gosh Lix, what happened, why are you so loud?" I asked, semi annoyed.
"Because leeknow asked me out!" He blurted out happily.
"That's great Lix, I told you it would all go well." I said in between a yawn as I crawled out from my thick blanket and onto the cold hard wood floor.
"Yeah, but speaking of things you told me, why didn't you tell me about seungmin!?" He whined.
"Oh gosh, minho told you, huh?"
"Yes he did, and frankly I'm a little pissed he's the one that had to. Is it true he's a sweet guy? Leeknow said so."
I nodded to myself as I walked into the kitchen. "Yeah, he's very sweet." I agreed, as I went towards the pantry, taking out the bread.
"Is he good in bed?"
"Huh!? Wha- no- I mean I don't know, we haven't done that.."
"Oh my God!! Did the mention of sex just make jeongin nervous? Holy crap you must really like him!"
"Oh God, Lix." I rolled my eyes.
"Well you do right?" He asked. I took a deep breath as I put two slices of bread in the toaster. "Yeah....I like him a lot, he's really....I don't know how to explain it, he's just a good person...I like him."
"AAAWW."
"Omg Lix, shut up."
"What? It's cute, you gotta tell me everything about him."
"Alright, alright I'll give you some more details but i got a lot of stuff to do today."
"Oh like what?"
"Well first I'm sick of taking Uber so I'm finally going to go down to the dealership and get that black BMW I've been looking at, then I'm going to get a massage before coming back home."
"Oh that sounds fun, y'know leeknows gonna be jealous though, he loves BMWs." Felix joked.
"Eh he won't have to be, I'll probably let him drive it whenever." I said nonchalantly as I pulled out my two slices of toast. "Speaking of leeknow, why don't you tell me about what happened?"
"Oh no, you're not going to distract me that easily, tell me about, kim seungmin, first." He demanded bratily, I could practically see him scrunching his nose seriously from the other side of the phone.
"Really? Minho even gave you his surname?"
"Don't change the subject! Details, spill." He said, I sighed as I spread peanut butter over the first slice but did as he asked.
"Alright fine, we went to our usual hang out, the cat cafe, y'know. And we had a nice time, ok."
"And...?"
"Ugh, that's it ok."
"Oh please, c'mon you didn't kiss or anything, did you do anything??"
"Yes, we talked ok, that's it and no we didn't kiss.....I mean I tried to flirt with him but that didn't exactly work out." I admitted in a mumble, Felixs voice once again startling me as he lit up.
"Oh my gosh! What did you do? Wait- why didn't it go well?" He asked sounding confused. Trust me I was just as confused when it actually happened.
"I know right!? Exactly, I was just playing with him and suddenly he got all weird, then he kinda... scolded me."
"Pff scolded you? Damn what'd ya do?"
"Nothing! I mean....I just put his hand between my thighs. Then he got all upset."
"Damn....so how did he scold you- i mean it's hard to imagine anyone other than leeknow scolding you." He joked.
"Well he, I don't know he said something about consent and how it was dangerous to be flirting so strongly without knowing him super well." I explained causing Felix to laugh.
"Ha does he think he's your dad or sum?" He joked, I shrugged not really seeing it that way but I guess understanding the comparison.
"Eh, I don't know......it was kinda hot to be honest.."
"So he's a hot dom but y'all didn't even kiss? I'm so confused."
"Oh my gosh Lix, ew don't say stuff like that!"
"What!? Why I mean that's the vibes I'm getting-"
"No, no he didn't scold me in a sexy way, it just happened to be sexy." Wait that doesn't make any sense " trust me he wasn't trying to be hot, he was just telling me how he felt.......and it just happened to be kinda sexy."
"Oohh, I ship it."
"Plus I definitely am not getting Dom vibes, he's very sub if anything, also shut up." I joked, cause Lix to laugh again.
"Ohh c'mon, I'm excited for you, do you think you're going to keep him around, I mean not in a serious relationship of course but y'know."
"Well....uh actually that's the thing.... we are taking it seriously or I think I'm going to.." i admitted before taking a small bite of my breakfast.
"Holy shit, really?? You really do like him."
"Yeah I do but- but oh shit I don't even know how to say this, Lix, I'm so embarrassed- I."
"What? What is it, you can tell me." Felix said sweetly. I shook my head as I searched for the right words but I knew I couldn't find any nice way to put it, or a less pathetic way.
"I- i don't know what to do about hyunjin."
"What about him, you broke it off... right?" Felix assumed, confused on how it was even an issue. Understandably so, I forgot it was an issue till I was in hyunjins arms again..
"Well yeah...but I- he........ we filmed a stream last night and I- I think I love him."
"What?!? You love him? Like more than usual?"
"I don't know, I think so- I mean I just can't hurt him anymore, it's so fucking wrong, Lix, I mean you should just see how sad he looks, I just want to make him happy but I can't without cuddling and sleeping together and everything else, I told him I'd spend the night with him again tonight." I explained worriedly, my heart pounding just thinking about this stupid mess.
"I'm sorry jeongin but if you want real advice, you have to break it off with jinnie, I mean you really need to stop seeing him, period. Or else it's just going to hurt worse when he finds out about seungmin-"
"But how would he find out, hyunjin wouldn't pry- he would never know-"
"Jeongin." Felix interrupted, seriously. "Do you want to be with jinnie or not, cause it's either ya pick now or your going to hurt both of them."
"I know.....but jinnies my favorite fuck buddie, I like him." I mumbled, causing Felix to sigh from the other end.
"Well if you want to be with seungmin- who is clearly not the slutty type, then you can't have any fuck buddies, not even hyunjin." He said sternly.
"I guess you're right..."
"Yup, I am, so don't be a dummy and make this any worse, let hyunjin down as easily as possible without giving him any false hope. And remember to make it very clear you can't see each other at all, ok."
"Ok... thanks Felix, I got to go." I said, Felix wish me good luck before saying goodbye himself and hanging up the phone.
I walked to the small kitchen table, burying my face in my arms as soon as I sat down, my tears unable to hold as they flowed down my cheeks. Why did I do this to myself, why did I do this to hyunjin.....why did he ever agree to sleep with me in the first place? if we had just stayed friends none of this would have happened.
How am i supposed to make this right..
/////////