I didn't leave my house the weekend following the Friday of mine and Beth's fight. I knew it wasn't her intentions for this to have the effect it did on me, she was just telling her partner the drama happening her life, but to me it was so much more than that.
It was the truth though. If this was getting out to the rest of the team, there's a chance someone who works for Arsenal may hear, and if that happened it could end my career, especially since the players personal lives are something many people are so interested in. Nothing would happen to Leah or Beth or even Jill, they would get to continue playing football like nothing happened, but for me working in sports psychology would never be an option for me, ever again.
Maybe I overreacted. There was no reason for me to lash out at Beth the way I did. I was so angry in the moment, I couldn't control my emotions at all, but then again maybe she needed to hear how her telling other people's secrets can cause serious damage.
At the end of the day, I was more so angry at myself for letting it get to the point that it did. I should've waited to talk to Beth, I should've probably not agreed to the dinner with Jill, even though it was only just dinner and we agreed on being friends, there's a lot of things I should've done and didn't so now I have to deal with the consequences.
So I spent the weekend mourning my actions, and especially my friendship with Beth, she was my first friendship at Arsenal, and someone I finally thought fit the mould like my friendship with Alex. On Sunday, all I knew was that I needed to call her, Alex that is, like usual for her advice.
"Wow, that's a lot Abi"
"I'm so in the wrong here right"
"I mean you know I'm all for being a bitch when angry, but honestly I think you definitely overreacted, you know Seb and I tell each other our friends' drama all the time"
"Alex I'm you're only friend"
"Hey! I'm the one helping you here"
I thought it was a pretty good joke.
"Sorry I know, What do I even do?"
"Obviously talk to Beth, tell her how you felt and maybe why you reacted that way and make sure she knows the people that know can't be talking about it for obvious reasons, then talk to Leah"
"Talk to Leah?"
"Yeah, I'm sure she rather hear you had dinner with Jill from you then through some rumour"
"She's going to be so hurt even though it was just a friends dinner"
"Yeah but still, like you told Beth things get misconstrued, so if you don't she might actually think it was a date"
I sighed, Leah and I were cordial, but we didn't talk much outside of Arsenal, mostly due to the fact that I wanted this time for both of us to properly figure our shit out, which meant keeping our distance, most of the time, but Alex was right I needed to talk to Leah
"You're always so right"
"I love when you tell me that"
"Anyways I miss you, also news I might be back in Canada for Christmas, mostly so I can go wedding dress shopping with you"
"Yay! Yeah lets go then! I miss you too, talk soon"
I hung up the phone and went outside to sit on the steps of my front door, to have a cigarette. I will always be mad at myself for picking this stupid habit up, but it seriously calmed my anxiety.
After my cigarette break, I took Olly for a walk to continue attempting to clear my mind from all the negativity. I was angry, sad, worried. I just wanted those feelings to go away so I could repair what I broke, with a level head, but nothing was working.
I took Olly to a local park and took a minute to sit on a park bench. I pulled my phone out of my pocket, trying to decide who I needed to text first, Beth or Leah. I chose Beth, I figured she would be easier considering there were reasons for my reaction, plus I knew she probably felt guilty, because she usually does when someone gets mad at her.
She texted me back almost right away, asking me to come over, so I did, bringing Olly with me since I went straight from the park.
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Once I got to Beth's house, I stood outside for a moment. I ran every possible scenario through my head. I figured she wouldn't stay mad, but there could be a part of her that does. Here I was overthinking yet again, so I knocked on the door, avoiding the further damage my brain was going to do to itself.
She opened promptly, but I mean she was expecting me. She made us both a cup of tea and we sat on the couch, unsure of where to start, but there was something she did deserve.
"I owe you an apology"
She nodded her head.
"I shouldn't have yelled at you the way I did, I was angry over the stupidest thing, and I'm sorry"
"I'm sorry too, I know i'm known to be a bit of a bladder mouth, but you're right there's some things I shouldn't go around telling people, I'm working on it"
I accepted it, I was the one being irrational not her.
"So you're career isn't going to be ruined, I made sure all the girls that know don't say anything, but why could it anyway, I've heard of physical therapists dating players, it even happened here"
I was shocked at the statement, but I thought she knew why, she was the one who told me Alina had to keep her friendships with the Arsenal players a secret.
"It works different, see in this job, I work with people's minds, if you're involved with someone that can get tricky, the same way psychotherapists can't have their partners as patients, or can't be a marriage counsellor for their own marriage, it's all complicated but we just can't"
"Makes sense I guess, it's unfair though, you were right again, you probably would've been fired and nothing would've happened to her"
"My job isn't to fall in love with the players Beth"
"But you did"
"Yeah I did"
We continued talking, sipping on our cups of tea. She asked about my brother and I told her the exact same thing I told to Leah. She was shocked at first and we both had a bit of a cry.
"You're strong you know that, I would have never expected that happened to you, and I really do hope you know that too"
I smiled at that.
After a little while longer we said our goodbyes and I headed out. There was one more stop I needed to make tonight, and that was Leah's house.
----
I headed back to my place first, since I needed to drop Olly off and grab my car. I debated between calling Leah or just showing up unannounced and I went with the later.
I drove to hers and knocked on the door. A few minutes later she opened the door. She was shocked to see me but at the same time I could tell that she was happy, unaware of what I was going to tell her.
"What are you doing here?"
I hesitated for a minute.
"I uh, just need to uh, talk to you"
She looked confused and let me in. She offered a cup of tea but I declined, so we went straight to the couch instead.
"What did you need to talk to me about?"
I was in my head, finding the perfect words to say, but it was just dinner and nothing happened so there was nothing to be worried about, but I still felt like she would be hurt.
"I had dinner, with Jill, she thought it was a date, and I did too for a second, but then I realized it wasn't anything, nothing happened, we're just friends, and nothing will happen, I'm sorry, please don't be mad"
I was like a balloon with everything I was feeling, and I just popped.
She took a second to process everything, cause I did talk pretty, sorry extremely fast.
"I'm not mad"
"Wait what, I thought you would be"
She laughed at me.
"The old Leah would have been"
I raised an eyebrow at her.
"The old Leah?"
"Yeah, look you're single, obviously the end goal is for us to be together, but if you kiss a few girls here and there, it won't be the end of the world"
"So are you getting with other girls?"
She laughed again.
"Oh god no, and I don't want to"
I was confused.
"I started therapy"
I just looked at you, confused to where all of this was going.
"We agreed to work on ourselves for a bit, so that's what I'm doing, there's a lot of things I do that aren't okay, I shouldn't have pushed you away when you were trying to be there for me, I shouldn't have kissed Alina, my brain is a bit messed up, and I want to fix it, for me, and for you, Abi, I want to be better for you and I think I'm actually getting somewhere with it"
"So part of being better for me is letting me kiss other girls?"
"No, well yes, it's not getting upset over things that don't really even matter"
I nodded, she was trying, and that only made me miss her even more.
"I miss you Leah"
"And I miss you too, but I want us to get it right, and that starts with me"
"You know we can still be friends for the time being, we don't have to be no contact"
"I'd like that"
We caught up on our lives for a bit, and then it got late so I needed to head back to mine.
One thing I gathered from my mission that was today, I knew I was still in love with Leah, and I don't think I could ever fall out of love with her. I was stuck in love.
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A/N:
-Hello all, it's been a while.
-After exams I was so burnt out, so I took a break from the world and just existed, something I haven't done for a while, so I apologize for the inactivity.
-As always thanks for the love, I promise lots more to come:)
-P.s. Happy holidays :)