Two Years Earlier
I'm in Mia's brother's car, in front of Jack's house, going over what I'm going to say to him. The other day in the boy's locker room was hard on both of us. While my face has healed, I haven't. Jack and I haven't spoken much since the incident. He tries to text me a bunch, but I'll only send one word replies until he stops. I feel like I'm being cruel towards him, but then again, he hit me, so he's really the cruel one. I still don't see him that way though. I see him as my loving Jack, and I'm going to fix this between us. I brought some of his favorite candy, snacks, and movies to surprise him for a romantic night. He told me his parents were going to be out of town and his brother, Ryan, is at a friend's house, so we'll have the house to ourselves.
"You sure you're going to be ok Lo?" Mia asks from the front seat. Her brother agreed to drive me because my dad still doesn't know about Jack and I dating. Mia promised she wouldn't tell her brother what happened with Jack. He would never have let me come here, had he known.
"Yeah, I'll be fine. Thanks Mia." I give her a hug from where I am in the back seat, then get out of the car. They drive off before I notice an unfamiliar car in the driveway. My first instinct is to turn and run as fast as I can away from here, because my gut is telling me something bad is about to happen. Instead, I muster up all the courage I have and sneak into the house from the back door. They never lock that door. I set my goodies on the kitchen counter, I don't want to make any noise coming up the stairs, when I'm trying to surprise him.
When I reach the top of the stairs, I must cover my nose from the disgustingly, potent smell of weed. I'm still not used to him doing that. When I'm about to open the door, I hear a girl laughing, followed by Jack's laugh. I immediately stop what I'm doing and my heart drops. My entire being shuts down and my lungs feel like they're running out of air quickly. Everything in me is telling me to turn and run like I should've when I was outside. But I'm a ridiculously stupid teenage girl who fell in love with a bad boy. I act faster than I can think, and rip open the door. Tears already streaming down my face as I see a naked Jack lying in bed next to an equally naked Amy Ryland.
I speak even though I'm at a loss for words, "Jack, what the hell?" He stands up and throws on clothes quicker than I've ever seen him move on the field.
Sadness fills his face as he realizes what I just walked in to. "Willow, what the hell are you doing here?" It's not too much of an angry tone, more regretful.
"I came to surprise you," I speak softly, then turn to yelling, "What the hell are you doing?!" Tears are falling harder as I turn to look at Amy. She's still laying in his bed, naked and smiling. She thinks she's won. Maybe she has. I look back over to Jack, and he's embarrassed, his face is bright red. Eyes bloodshot, but that's just from the weed that's littering his nightstand.
"Amy, get the hell out!" Jack yells at her without breaking eye contact with me.
"Are you kidding me Jack?" Amy's nasally voice sounds.
He turns and looks at her, anger evident on his face. "Get out now!" He yells even louder this time, that it startles both Amy and me. She gets up quick, grabs her clothes, and runs out of the bedroom. It's silent between Jack and me until I hear the front door slam moments later.
"What the hell were you doing with Amy? Wait no, I know what you were doing, but why? How? How could you do this to me?!" I'm screaming at the top of my lungs. Losing all the air from them, everything goes black for a second and I nearly pass out. But I'm seeing clearly again; Jack's dumbfounded look. He's not saying anything, so I yell again and get closer to him this time. "Jack! You cheated on me!"
He finally speaks up, "Willow, I'm so sorry..."
"Shut up!" I cut him off. "No, you're not, if you were sorry, you would have never done this to me!" We step closer together until we're arm's length apart. My hands are flying everywhere as I scream every profanity I know at him. I watch as he gets angrier with every word I throw out there. Even though we're both pissed off, he tries to come in to hug me. He knows how charming he is, but he's not getting out of this one. I shove him away from me before we can embrace. Now I've done it, I've awoken the beast. I can see it in his eyes. It was the same way he looked at me when we were in the boy's locker room. I don't know why I do it, after knowing what he's capable of, but I shove him again and say, "I hate you!"
I'm not entirely shocked when I'm struck in my left eye by Jack's large fist. But I still fall to the ground, scraping my hands and knees on the carpet. I bring my hand up to where Jack just punched me and it's already starting to swell. Everything hurts; my face is throbbing, my head is pounding, and my hands and knees are burning. I slowly get up, but it's cloudy, from the still burning blunt and my now blurred vision. Everything feels like it's moving in slow motion. I look at Jack who's trying to say something, but I can't hear over the ringing in my ears.
I finally speak up after a moment of composing myself, "That's it, we're done!"
"What?!" Jack is shocked and looks as though he's about to punch me in my other eye.
I back up and repeat myself, "We're done Jack, we're so over!" Before anything more can happen, I take off running, through the hallway, down the stairs, to the kitchen to grab my belongings—leaving the snacks and movies—and out the front door. I hear an angry Jack stomping behind me, calling my name. He stops in the front doorway as I reach the sidewalk.
Our eyes meet and he says to me, quite calmly, "You're going to regret this, Willow." He has a wicked grin on his face now. I get one last good look at him and take off running down the street. "Willow!" He screams after me, but there's no turning back now.
On my hour walk home from Jack's house, I have time to think about a lot of things. I have so many questions racing through my mind. What's going to happen now? How do I get over Jack? What am I going to tell my father about my eye? Most of these questions go unanswered as I arrive at my house. As I walk through the door, I can hear my dad in the kitchen cooking. It's out of sight from the staircase, so I try to rush up to my room without being seen. But I'm not that lucky. My father comes walking out of the kitchen and sees me, black eye, scrapes, and all.
"Oh my god, Willow! What happened to your face?!" He yells at me.
On my walk home, I managed to come up with at least one thing, and that was what to tell my dad. I spent the night with Mia last night, so he hasn't seen me since yesterday morning. It's not the best and smartest lie, but it's all I've got, and I pray it works. "I uh... well," I'm stuttering. "Mia and I went to a football game last night. We were hanging out with some of the boys after the game. We were all throwing around the ball, messing around, and one of the boys threw it and it hit me in the face." I'm trying not to cry, because of the real reason for what happened. And the fact that I must hide it from my dad is hard to deal with.
I think he's believing the lie though as he asks, "What were you doing hanging around a bunch of boys? You know you're not allowed to date!" He's angry now and that's not helping my sensitivity right now.
"It wasn't like that dad; we were just hanging out. There were other girls there too. And thanks for your concern by the way!" I try to turn this around on him and make my way up the stairs, but he stops me again.
"You're grounded young lady! I hope that teaches you not to be hanging around boys anymore." I give him a crazed look, he's insane for grounding me. I should've come up with a different lie. He softens up finally and says, "Now let's get you some ice, that's a terrible bruise."
I'm so angry at him for grounding me, especially since that never even happened. I don't want to deal with him right now, so I yell as I run the rest of the way up the stairs, "No! Just leave me alone!" He rushes after me, calling my name. I lock my bedroom door behind me so he can't follow me anymore.
He knocks lightly on my door. "Willow, will you come out please, you should really ice that."
I'm crying now. I try to compose myself so I can respond, but my voice comes out all squeaky. "I'll ice it later. Just go away!" I hear him turn and walk back down the stairs.
I'm relieved for a second, but then remember the terrible pain coming from my face and heart. I head over to my bathroom to see the damage. I turn the light on and look in the mirror. I gasp as I take a peek at how horrible I look. I start to cry even harder. My eye is almost swollen shut; purple, blue, and red bruises cover almost the entire left side of my face. I look like I got hit by a bus, not a football. I splash some water on my face to see if that helps with the pain; it doesn't.
I lean against the wall and slide down to the floor. I sit there and cry for a good half hour until the tears finally stop. How am I supposed to face Jack after this? I'm heartbroken, shattered into a million pieces. Never did I think it would end like this, let alone end at all.
The rest of the weekend I spend locked up in my room. I only come out twice to grab some food and ice. Other than that, I'm lying in bed, watching sad movies, and eating a whole tub of ice cream. I don't answer any of Mia's texts—only because Dad took my phone away—, or any of my dad's knocks on my door.
I completely isolate myself until school comes on Monday. Where I have to face my dad, Mia, my classmates, and most terrifyingly, Jack. My face has somewhat healed; it looks a whole lot better than it first did and my eye isn't swollen too bad anymore. I try to cover it with a bit of makeup, but it doesn't really help.
I'm walking through the school parking lot, when Mia comes running up to me faster than I've ever seen her move. She hits me with a bunch of questions. "Lo, are you okay? What happened to your face? This was Jack, wasn't it? Why weren't you answering my texts?"
"Mia, slow down!" I interrupt her. "Yes, Jack did this to me. I didn't text you back because my dad took my phone away. I broke up with Jack. I walked in on him cheating on me with Amy Ryland. It was over after he punched me. It should have been over after the first hit, but I'm stupid. I'm not okay right now, but I'm trying to be."
She gives me a sad look and says, "I'm so sorry Lo." She pulls me in for a hug and for once this week, I'm feeling at peace. But it doesn't last long when I see Mia's worried look.
"What else is going on Mia? You have that look on your face." By that look, I mean she has some bad news. I know her too well.
"Lo, I don't know how to tell you this..." she pauses and tries to hold back tears. She grabs my arms and holds them tight. This is not good. She continues, "... But, Jack has been telling everyone that he broke up with you because you slept with a couple of the guys on the football team. Lo, I know that's not true, but that's what's going on."
I nearly fall over from her words. I take a deep breath, and whisper, "Wha... what?" I can't believe what I'm hearing. Or maybe I can, I don't know. I know Jack is a monster, but he just took this way too far. Pure rage takes over me, like I've never felt before. I take off into a speed walk towards the main entrance, in search of Jack.
"Lo, wait!" Mia calls, running after me. "Lo, this isn't good, can we just talk about this for a second?"
But I ignore her. I'm so mad, I could scream. How could Jack make up such horrible lies? I thought he cared about me more than that. But once again, I was wrong. I walk down and around all the hallways to get to Jack's locker. I see him standing there with a couple of the football boys and Amy; her arms wrapped around Jack. They're all laughing about something, then they catch a glimpse of me and laugh even harder. I get a feeling of embarrassment all of the sudden, which is a weird feeling. I've never had people laugh at me like this. It's hurtful, but I push that aside for now and storm right up to Jack.
"What the hell is wrong with you?!" I yell at him, and everyone around us turns our way; eager to see a fight.
Jack finally pauses from laughing to copy my question, "What's wrong with me? You should be asking yourself that. You're the one who cheated on me."
I'm dumbfounded and I guess it shows because he starts laughing again. "What are you talking about Jack? Why are you lying?" I'm screaming so loud, I have almost the whole school's attention.
"Oh, he's not sweetie, you remember our good time, right?" his douchey best friend, Chuck, chimes in.
"Yeah! And ours?" another football boy adds. I'm so shocked by everything these guys are saying to me. How can they be making up all the lies on the spot? I might pass out from all the commotion going on.
"You lying son of a bitch," I say to Jack.
"Whatever whore!" He yells in my face. I stumble back from his sudden closeness to me. I'm terrified of him ever since he hit me. I don't know when he may do it again.
"Oh, and nice face by the way," Amy throws an extremely offensive insult my way. If only they knew what really happened. Maybe they do. This comment sparks laughs from not only the group in front of me, but also everyone surrounding us.
Jack and his friends high five over their successful plan to make me look like a total loser. It definitely worked and I feel like I can't breathe. The laughs feel like they're getting louder and louder, invading every inch of my head. Just then I feel a wad of paper hit me on the back of the head. I turn around to see more people starting to tear paper out of their binders and turn them into paper balls. I take one last look at Jack, a full smirk on his face. He won. Then, many more papers hit me, and tears start gushing from my eyes.
I turn to run away and bump into a teary-eyed Mia; I didn't know she was standing there. I grab her hand and we run to the nearest hideaway. All the way there, papers are thrown, and offensive names are called to me, 'whore', 'slut', 'bitch'. How can this be happening to me? My whole world turned upside down in an instant. I cry into Mia's shoulder in the girl's locker room until the first school bell sounds. The rest of the day is filled with the same crap; laughs, wads of paper, and hideous name calling.
It feels like an everlasting, horrific day until I finally reach home. I slam the front door behind me and fall to the floor crying. It seems as though I've barely stopped crying all day. I finally get off the floor to look around the house in search of my dad. Nowhere in sight and his car isn't in the garage. Good. I run up the stairs to my room and lock the door behind me. I go into the bathroom and see my beaten-up face, eyes puffy and bloodshot. A million thoughts race through my mind, but only one sticks out. What do I do now?
I look around my bathroom in search of answers. I see my pair of scissors sitting on the counter from when I cut the tag off my new top I wore today. I pick them up and study them. I look up into the mirror and see a mess looking back at me. A me who no longer exists. Through all the crap I've been through these past two weeks, I've changed. My views on men, and people in general, what they can do to you is shocking. They don't care about your feelings; they don't care about you. People are disgusting and selfish. They'll do anything to see you crack. It satisfies them.
They won't see me crack, ever again. I'm a different me now than I was before Jack hit me. Who am I now? I think to myself. I feel different, like I no longer care about anyone or anything. It's like a switch went off in my head. The girl who used to feel so much happiness, knows only anger now. And deep-down sadness, but I will never let that show again.
I pull my long, black hair over my shoulders so I can see it all. I bring the scissors up to just below my chin and cut off one side of my hair, then the other. I watch my beautiful hair fall to the floor; curls massacred around my feet. I know this may not help me, but at least I'm in control and that calms me. I look at my work and try not to cry. I don't look like myself anymore.
I stand there for a good couple minutes; my no longer recognizable reflection staring back at me. I drop to the floor, landing in my hair. I pick up a sizable piece and examine it. "Look at you," I say to my stands of hair. "You've been cut off from the world. I will throw you away and you'll be nothing but garbage after that. You'll be gone forever. Nothing like you once were. A mere flash of life in a never-ending world. You will be remembered by some but forgotten by most. You are an insignificant piece in a world, no, universe of interchanging beings. You are nothing." I don't know if I'm speaking to my hair or myself. Either way, I feel every single word I've spoken to be true. My feelings swallow me up until a single tear drops. I feel like nothing in this moment, a waste of time and space.
I think of the many reasons why I was given this life. Why I have gotten so much hurt and hate in such little time. Is it because I didn't go to church or pray enough growing up? Is it because I wasn't grateful for everything I've been given? Is it because I had picked on Elizabeth Combs in third grade? Is it because I told my parents I hated them this one time they said no when I wanted to go to Disney Land with Mia? Or is it because of it all? Every little mistake I've made in life has led to my pain in this moment. The world has seen my crimes and thrown them back in my face. You deserve it.
Will I ever know happiness again? I'm not sure, but the only thing I am sure of is that my life will never be the same. I will go to school and be bullied for something I never did. I will have to face Jack every day for the rest of the year. Or until who knows how long. I will have to tell my dad the truth. Do I? No, he doesn't need to know. I will have to change the way I live my life. No more boyfriends for the rest of eternity. And most of all, I will have to fix my hair because it is atrocious.
I get up off the floor, feeling empty. I look in the mirror again. What did cutting off my hair do? Nothing. It's not enough. I need more. More of a distraction. More to take the pain away. An idea clicks in my head, and I take it. I need to do this. There's nothing for me to do but this. I am nothing but this.
That night, I wait for my dad to fall asleep before sneaking out. I make my way downtown. I walk the streets aimlessly, contemplating if this is really a good idea. I circle the same block nearly sixteen times before getting up the courage. I walk into the hotel, the lobby eerily silent. No one in sight except the receptionist. He doesn't even acknowledge my appearance.
Is that a sign? That my existence is really that insignificant? I take that as another nudge to follow through with my idea. I make my way up the stairwell. I don't take the elevator; one, because it doesn't bring you to the rooftop, and two, it gives me more time to think. I'm still torn about my idea. The idea to end my life.
I make it twenty stories up and my lungs feel like they're about to burst. I stand in front of the door to the rooftop and try to catch my breath. Then, I rip the door open and trudge out into the cold evening air. The wind whips through my now massacred hair. The breeze sends chills down my spine. Is it the breeze or is it the monumental decision I'm about to make?
I try not to think about it too much, but then again, I need to. This is huge! I mean, I'm trying to take my life. Last summer, if you told me I would be in this exact spot, I'd laugh in your face. There's no way me, Willow, would try something this reckless. I was so happy, my life blissful. But then I lost my mom, my sunshine. And then I lost my respect for men, for people, for myself.
Everything hits me like a freight train. Knocking the wind out of me. I gasp for air. Then tears gush out like a dam breaking. I'm a mess. Damaged, broken beyond repair. There's nothing left for me to do, but this. I make my way over to the edge. I step up onto the ledge carefully. I look down at my surroundings. The twinkling lights of the city blinding me.
How am I going to do this? It's easy Willow, just jump. But it's not that easy. There was so much to consider. But then again, is there? I think back. The one thing holding my family together was my mom. Look, I love my dad, but it's not like we're close by any means. I was a momma's girl through and through. When my mom died, I lost so much of myself. And these past couple weeks, I lost even more.
Jack was ruthless as he tore me apart piece by piece. Well, the pieces that were left at least. I felt like Jack held me together for the time being. And when he hurt me, everything came crumbling down. My whole life ripped to shreds. Then he made it worse and worse, until it was too far from being fixed. There's no fixing anything. I look back at my life. There's nothing left for me. Well, Dad and Mia. Was that really it? Was that enough? I don't think so. There was no hope. No hope for tomorrow. No hope for life. What was I living for? Living to feel pain every day? Living to walk around this pointless earth without Mom? Living to be torn apart by my classmates and Jack every day? It was too much. Everything was too much.
I look up at the night sky. I think of my mom, looking down on me. Would she be disappointed in me? Of course she would be. But then again, we would be together again. I smile. I want to be with my mom again. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Here goes nothing...
"Hey kid!" I hear someone yell from the doorway, "What the hell are you doing?" I whip my head around. I stare wide-eyed at the hotel receptionist. He speaks again, "Get down from there! You're gonna get yourself killed!" Well yeah, that was kind of the idea dude! He advances toward me, so I stumble down off the ledge and run past him through the doorway and down the stairwell. Not looking back.
Once I'm away from the hotel, I detour down an alley to throw up. Realization of what I was about to do, hitting me. I can't believe I was actually going to jump. What would have happened? How would Dad be? Mia? I try not to think about the atrocity as I make my way back home.
Once home, I collapse on my bed. I hug my pillow tight. I scream and cry into it. And I promise myself to never tell anyone what I was just about to do. I never speak of it or think of it again.
♥♥♥
The next day when dad drives me to school, I wait for him to leave. I don't confront Mia and I ditch school for the rest of the day. First on the agenda, fix my hair. I texted my mom's best friend and hairdresser, Stephanie, and asked if she could get me in today. 'How bad is it?' she asked. I sent her a picture and she got me in right away. She trims the ends a little bit more to make my hair look symmetrical. She adds some French bangs because she thinks it 'goes well with my face shape'. Thankfully, she doesn't ask about my face. I would have told her, then she would tell my dad, and that would have been a mess. I'm pleased with how my hair turned out. I thank her, pay, and I'm on my way to my next destination—the mall.
I take an Uber again because I'm certainly not going to walk for hours to get there. I hit the stores that will change my look. Hot topic and Zumiez will have everything I need to be grungy. If I'm going to be a depressed, angry teenager, I must look the part. Grunge is what I envision. I pick out a full grunge outfit from Hot Topic and toss my little girl clothes in the trash. I turn my wardrobe from dresses to ripped up, dark jeans, blouses to graphic tees, and my famous pink converse to combat boots. When I get home, I'll trash the rest of my old self clothes and replace them with my shopping spree.
Dad gives me enough money for a couple months for shopping, food, and other outings with Mia. He's going to be so mad when he finds out I spent it all in one day.
My next stop is Ulta. I don't wear much makeup now, but with my new look comes dark makeup. I'll need lots of it. Last on my 'Ways to change Willow' list is Mia's brother's piecing and tattoo shop down the road. Mia always told me I could get whatever I wanted from him without my dad's permission. I get a few new ear piercings and a nose ring to complete my look. Dad's going to be extra pissed when he sees this. I'm ready to take on whatever grounding Dad throws at me because I love my new look.
I was right, Dad was furious when he saw me. "You're grounded for another month young lady! And you can forget about your allowance for two months!" He yells at me as I ignore him and walk up the stairs to my room. "Willow, you can ignore me all you want, but this discussion about your look and behavior is not over!" I slam the door and drop my seven bags of new clothes. I look around my room. It all needs to go. I rip down pictures of butterflies and hearts that litter my purple wallpaper. I rip a good chunk of it off the wall, leaving an angry slash next to a hung picture of my parents and me. I smash the pictures against the wall, glass flying everywhere.
I shatter a pink vase with daisies on it that I made at a pottery store. I remember that day like it was yesterday. It was my twelfth birthday, the summer before seventh grade. Mia, my other friends at the time—Kami and Rosa—, and I were obsessing over the fact that we were going into middle school. We thought we were all grown up and cool. Middle school was good to us, we were among the popular crowd.
I remember our first boy-girl party in seventh grade with no parental supervision. It was at a boy named Troy's house. All the girls at the party—including us—were hoping to score a kiss with Troy as we played spin the bottle. I didn't care for the game much, but I had to admit that kissing Troy would be amazing. As the bottle went around, only four of the eight girls got to kiss Troy. Mia and I were two of them. I knew Kami and Rosa were jealous because they actually had a crush on him. Mia and I just did it for brownie points. After the party Kami and Rosa asked about our first kisses. Mia had gone all out saying how spectacular it was. I joined in, but honestly it wasn't that great.
I didn't know what a great kiss was until I kissed Jack. I really thought he was the one. Silly me, how could I ever think that my first boyfriend would be the one. Or any boyfriend for that matter. I have no idea who will be the one. Actually, there will be no 'One', I'm swearing off boys forever. The day I get a new boyfriend, I really must be losing it because I tell myself repeatedly there will never be another. I will never love, nor open up to another boy ever again.
I grab a framed picture of Jack—who I told my dad was a celebrity so I could crush on him without getting in trouble—off my nightstand and smash it into a million pieces around my feet. Shards of glass stick in my feet, I put my head in my hands and start screaming. My dad breaks into my room moments later. He puts his arms around me as I fall to the floor. Heart wrenching, disgustingly loud sobs pour out of me. I don't care how pissed off I am at my dad; I need the comfort from him right now. I cry in his arms for what feels like hours. All the while he brushes through my hair with his fingers and tells me everything is going to be alright. I don't know if I believe that to be true though.
Mia sees my new look the next day and is shocked. So are all my classmates. Even Jack shows a flash of shock as I walk by him in the hall. But honestly, I don't think it phased him too much.
The rest of the school year is filled with more name calling and paper balls. Pushing and shoving me to the ground. I don't speak to Jack the rest of the year. Amy and he start dating and my heart is crushed a little bit more. Mainly because I never see her with a messed up, bruised face. Maybe she's the one for him, maybe they just have this perfect relationship with no fighting. Whatever. Good luck to her. She'll see his dark side one day, and I pray she leaves him for it.
After Jack and Amy and all of theirstupid friends graduate, I'm hoping things will get better. Sophomore year isstill the same bullshit. The ghost of boyfriend's past follows me around therest of that year too. Maybe Junior year will be different; who knows?