I'd seen Leah the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after we'd sat next to each other on the plane and on the bus and during dinner and now I was laying in the grass, staring at the blue sky above me, and she wasn't there. Katie took the piss out of it.
"Oi, where's your other half?", she asked as she joined me, Beth and Viv on our picnic blanket. I closed my eyes against the bright sun, groaning.
"Katie if you weren't a footballer, I'd tell you to become a comedian", I commented, not turning towards her as she plopped down on my legs. I groaned once more as her weight hit me, shoving her off of me playfully.
"That's funny", she commented in a thick Irish accent. I stayed silent.
I didn't know where Leah was. We were playing Ajax tonight, and we'd gone through our last training already, meaning we only had the press conference and the game left today. I knew that I was going to be requested for the press conference, as Jonas had announced it to me yesterday, during dinner. It had certainly ruined my meal, but then again it was a good excuse as to why my plate was emtpy. Again. The team was becoming suspicious, I was sure of it, but lucky for me, no one dared to speak about it.
"Ellie and Leah, sitting in a tree-", Beth began to sing but I quickly shoved her as well, which proved to be a struggle in my position, as I was lying on my back, with Katie sitting on my legs and Viv blocking me from her girlfriend.
"Shut it, Meado", I breathed, not having the energy to say anything else.
"I spend just as much time with you guys. What, does that make me Viv's girlfriend as well?"
Beth shut up at that, and I was content with it. I knew that I spent more time with Leah than I did with Vivianne, but they didn't know that. I knew that the time I spent with Leah was different, that Leah made me feel different, but they didn't know that. It was our unspoken secret, and I was glad about it. God knew how annoying they'd become if they had a clue I was thinking of Leah as much as I did. Even now, I couldn't get her out of my head.
"I'm tired", I announced, this time shoving Katie off completely as my legs were tired of balancing her weight.
"Really?", I heard Viv's voice next to me. "We've fed you five coffees today!"
"I need another five."
The girls soon fell into a conversation I didn't follow, as my mind was preoccupied with the events of today. We'd be playing Ajax. I'd be starting. I'd be in the press conference before the game. I'd be asked the same question they always asked- What happened in your ex-club?
"Right, I'm gonna get another coffee."
I swung up to a seating position, wiping some of the grass off my exposed legs, that had been tanning in the Amsterdam sun. The street was buzzing with people, Dutch chatter surrounding us as birds chirped in the trees above us, enjoying the late summer thoroughly.
"I'll come with", Katie announced as I got to my feet, pulling her up with me.
"Don't get lost again", Vivianne reminded us, who knew the city better than the both of us. I chuckled, thinking back to around two hours ago when we'd last strolled to find a place for Katie to get lunch and failed to return to the other two, leaving us to stroll through the city for roughly twenty minutes before asking Beth to send us her location.
"We've got your location now", Katie grinned as I bent down to pick up my purse from the blanket.
The afternoon passed quickly and before we knew it, we were heading to the stadium.
The four of us were the first to arrive, as I had to be ready early for the press conference, but as I gave myself a quiet pep talk, more and more of our teammates joined us in the changing room and when Jonas knocked on the door to pull me to the media room, Beth's playlist was blasting loudly already.
"You ready?", my coach asked me as we walked through the cornered inside of the stadium, with Danny leading us to the media room. I showed my lanyard to the security before entering a new corridor. Jonas' hand was on the small of my back, and if I hadn't been as nervous as I was, I probably would've asked him to take it off.
"Remember, anything that you don't want to answer, you don't have to answer. I'll be there with you", he smiled, and I hated how obvious my nerves were at this point. I was a professional football player. I had done press conferences before. None of my other teammates were as afraid of the reporters, with their cameras and microphones and the pens scratching against their notebooks.
I nodded. We entered the room. I took a deep breath in, and didn't let it out until I sat in my seat, taking a sip of the glass of water in front of me.
Danny began speaking.
"We are excited to start the press conference ahead of our Champions League game, with our manager Jonas Eidevall and striker Elisabeth Weber present. We've got around twenty minutes with the two. I'd say we start with Gustav from Sky Sports."
I looked up into the round of journalists, their eyes fixated on me and Jonas. They immediately made me feel uneasy, but as I realised the first questions were dedicated to Jonas, I breathed a sigh of relief and my nerves soon settled. It took around five minutes before any of the people even acknowledged my presence.
"Question to Ellie: Obviously you've had an amazing debut for Arsenal, how confident do you feel that your abilities for the team will be consistent, what do you expect of yourself going into this game?"
I nodded along as he phrased his questions, and soon moved closer to my microphone. This question was okay.
"I'd say overall I've shown both in training and in my debut that I'm a valuable player for the team but I do know that we have an amazing roster so it's going to be difficult to land a permanent starting position. The goal is obviously to be consistent and I know I can be, but I think I'm just taking this from one game to the next, one training at a time. But I'm very excited for the rest of the season."
It was a lie. A total lie. I couldn't take it game by game- I was worried already about whether or not my position was guaranteed, about at which point of the season I would crumble under the pressure.
The journalist nodded and scribbled on his notepad, the way they always did. Danny asked the next journalist to speak, and I knew from the second the man looked at me that this wasn't going to be an okay question.
"Another question to Ellie: Your move to Arsenal was a very big transition and as you've mentioned, Arsenal has quite the roster when it comes to strikers, I think everyone was surprised to see you starting last week. With your continuous starting positions and promising results in the national team as well, how come we didn't see any of that in Bayern?"
I swallowed, hard. Jonas noticed- I could tell by the way he glanced at me, and I could picture the concern in his eyes even though I didn't allow myself to look towards him. I looked ahead- right into the eyes of the man who'd just asked me a very dangerous question.
"I don't know. I wasn't the one making the roster at Bayern, so I think you have to direct that question to someone else."
Although it was the truth that slipped through my lips this time, I wasn't satisfied with my answer. It would lead to more questions- I knew when the same man opened his mouth again.
"Surely, you have to have an idea. An opinion, on the matter."
I swallowed again, taking a deep breath once more.
"I have a lot of opinions."
This time, Danny asked another journalist to speak, but the questions kept coming.
"Question to Ellie: Would you say Alexander Straus made a mistake, keeping you on the bench?"
"Question to Ellie: Do you feel Arsenal treats you differently to how Bayern Munich did?"
"Question to Ellie: Were there any personal reasons for your move away from the club that raised you?"
Danny intervened now and then, kindly asking the reporters to remember the actual reason for this press conference, but the journalists ignored him ruthlessly until he asked not-so-kindly, and I soon felt myself become a bystander to the conversation unfolding in front of me, not paying attention the any of the questions Jonas was asked as the people seemingly forgot to take notice of my presence. I didn't mind.
By the time Danny closed the round and we said our goodbyes to the people who'd made my life miserable for twenty minutes, I was shaking. Jonas noticed as soon as the door closed behind us, as he gently took my trembling hands in his.
"You did well. Don't let them get into your head."
I thanked him, not being familiar with but still grateful of the feeling of being cared about, as we slowly made our way back to the changing room. Jonas gave me another look, and opened his mouth to say something, but he closed it soon after and silence dwelled between us.
"I'll see you out there."
I nodded. He left. I was alone.
It took me another few moments, the corridors behind me being vacuum of people, before I opened the door and walked over to where my Arsenal shirt was hanging, taking a seat between Leah and Beth.
"How did it go?", Leah asked as I turned my back towards her and she ran her hand through my hair, taking the brush and hair tie I passed her.
"It was okay", I lied, grateful not to have to do it to her face, but Beth immediately raised her brows at me. I gave her a pleading look and she stayed quiet, which I was grateful for.
Leah began braiding my hair as conversation surrounded us, mixing in with the music blaring from the speakers and Katie's loud voice, singing along. My head hurt. It was too much noise at once.
I hadn't said another word, putting on my boots and shin guards, until we left for warm-ups.
My steps were slow today, the sprints mediocre and my passes unsteady as I ran over the grass in the Ajax stadium, fans cheering and music playing. Leah felt it- she shot me a few looks now and then, but she didn't say a word until we left to go back to the changing room, when she placed a hand on my shoulder gently. I jumped at the contact.
"Ellie, it'll be okay. You've got this", she encouraged me, clearly knowing something was off. Not a single one of my teammates had seen the press conference yet, but I knew some of them would - after the game. I dreaded it, hoping it would become the kind of unspoken but well known secret that everyone knew but no one dared to bring up. Like the other thing.
"Yeah", I smiled, but both Leah and I knew I was being dishonest again. It wouldn't be okay. I hadn't got this.
My mind was preoccupied by my past as we walked out, and I forgot to hold my mascot's hand. I rubbed the little girl's shoulders as a pathetic apology, before taking off my jacket and clapping hands with the Ajax players half-heartedly. Not a single one of their faces stuck to my memory.
When we huddled in a circle, I heard Kim's voice but I didn't hear what she was saying, and by the time we ran into our positions, my muscles were cold and I didn't remember whether it was our or Ajax's kickoff.
The first minutes of the game unfolded slowly, as both Ajax and us kept the ball as soon as we received it, with little motion towards either goal. I ran up to my opponents now and then but was limited in my position, never reaching the ball quickly enough. It seemed that our whole team was a little off, as Kim yelled directions to us without a pause, criticising our lack of control in the game.
Jonas did the same, shouting from the sideline, assessing our situation precisely and voicing his concerns without holding back. Viv soon won the ball in the middle of the pitch and passed it to me at the perfect time. The ball hit my foot roughly and I was taken aback by the impact as it bounced off my boot and into the feet of Doorn, who immediately made a run with it. I shook my head at my stupid mistake, sprinting after her and soon positioning myself between her and our goal. She took a step towards me and I won the ball back, passing her and taking up my eyes to make out my teammates. Viv was blocked by an Ajax player and I soon found Beth on the other side of the pitch, passing the ball hard and wide over the other players.
My efforts didn't help us though, as Beth soon lost the ball and the Ajax players were pressing in on us.
Leuchter scored in the 17th minute, giving Ajax the lead.
I threw my hands up in frustration at how easily we'd given them the lead, but as we huddled in a circle shortly, Kim made it clear we needed to be better. We needed to do more.
Something seemed to click in everyone's heads but mine because as we sprinted down the pitch towards the opponent's goal, I was a step behind everyone- behind Viv with the ball, behind Beth on the right side, behind Kim in the midfield. As my legs carried me down the wing I saw Viv glancing up to find my side empty, her eyes reaching mine with a look on her face I couldn't decipher. She quickly analysed the other direction and found Beth, passing the ball towards her and positioning herself in the box.
Beth passed the ball back. Just as I reached the box, Viv scored.
I felt the game slip away from me even further after our equaliser. Every pass I played didn't reach my teammates, every pass I was given, there was an Ajax player in between. Viv and Kim soon realised how far off I was today and after the first half hour of the game, I didn't touch a single ball for the rest of the first half. When the whistle blew and I saw my teammates striding towards the tunnel, I knew I wasn't going to enter the pitch anymore today.
"Good game", Jonas clapped my back as I passed him, but I knew he lied. I hadn't had a good game. In fact, it'd been the furthest possible from a good game. When I sat down in between Leah and Beth, I immediately began drinking from my water bottle, which didn't leave my hands even after it was empty, because I was scared one of them would say something and I'd have to answer. Leah glanced at me from the side and offered to re-braid my hair, but I waved her off. There was no need.
Jonas made the decision for the team- I knew that. I wanted that. I wanted my team to succeed, even if it meant Lina taking my place, which was why I didn't except the change to hit me in the stomach as hard as it did.
"Ellie, you're coming off in halftime. Lina will be on instead, Viv and Beth, you need to drag her forwards with you, I want you three to stay triangular just like we'd discussed."
I stopped listening after that, putting my watter bottle down and immediately taking off my shirt. I didn't feel as though I deserved to wear it anymore. I wasn't supposed to wear it anymore. I was benched. This was nothing I wasn't used to- hell, this had been my position for the past two years, but now, it hit different. I was with the Arsenal- and I was benched. It couldn't come much worse than that.
Watching the game from the sideline was painful, even though I knew I deserved it. Lina created chances, many more than I had done anyways, and the realisation that I would likely be in the same position in just four days, when we played Tottenham, dawned on me when she assisted our second goal, putting us in the lead.
I cheered, of course, but it was half-heartedly. I wanted to be on that pitch. For a long time, it seemed as though we would win the game- Arsenal had finally found their rhythm, possesing the ball, dominating the fights and creating chances to put Ajax under pressure. They settled into the game quickly, but with the confidence came the fall- when we conceeded, in the eighty-third minute. The final whistle blew soon after and with it came the realisation that we hadn't won. We'd given the game away. I had given the game away. Pulling my winter coat tighter around me, I got up with the rest of the bench to walk over to the team, shaking their hands and mumbling good-game's as they took in their draw. When I reached Leah, I went to shake her hand, but she quickly reached for my shoulder, pulling my shorter body in. I rested my head against her chest as she slowly rubbed my back.
"Don't give me the good-game bullshit, please", she breathed, and I was unable to answer, consumed by her presence. Her scent. Her body around mine.
"It was shit", I mumbled after a bit, and at that, Leah laughed. She nodded as she pulled away from me again, both of us knowing the moment was over as soon as it came, but her presence lingered around me a little longer as I felt myself drawn to the side of her as we walked towards our fans, clapping, and as we stood in the huddle, with Jonas giving us a peptalk that I couldn't listen to.
Guilt was gnawing at me. I'd told Jonas I wouldn't let them get into my head, but I had. I'd told him I wouldn't let the team down, but I had. Had I not been as rattled, had I been a little more professional, I could've played a better half, I could've created more chances, possibly scored a goal, I could've won this for us, and I knew it. This draw was my fault. Had I just had my head in the game-
Leah nudged me. We were sat on the bus together, on our short way back to the hotel. The streets were busy now, and the bus wasn't moving on the road, as cars honked and city lights glared.
"You okay?", she asked, handing me one of her airpods. I nodded, even though we both knew it was a lie. A lie. It was always lies with me.
Leah soon realised I wasn't up to talk, and I sunk further into my seat, resting my head against her shoulder. That was the last I remembered as soon the noise around me died out, and my eyelids fell close, the weight of today pressing them down and sending me into a tense sleep, stirring against Leah as scenarios of the day came back to me, warped, the noise drowned out.
I didn't open my eyes until we arrived in our hotel, and I didn't close them for the rest of the night, not finding rest.
vivien speaks
ellie is honestly so me with her up and down ❤️
anyways i hope you all have a lovely christmas with your family :)
while we're at it, please comment your opinion and vote if you enjoyed the chapter
and if you're looking for an angsty katie mccabe fic check out 'fourth of july' on my profile <3