Preseason passed like a fever dream, with me juggling our intense training session, the pressure I put on myself to access a place in the starting eleven and the smile Leah gave me every day for roughly a month. It was becoming increasingly difficult not to tell Leah, straight ahead, that I wanted nothing more than to lie with her on the pavement again, drunk out of our minds and laughing about the small things, but I knew that I needed to pull myself together, more than ever, now that the super league was about to begin.
It was the day of my first match with the Arsenal, and even though the team was quite confident we could score three points against Brighton, my body tingled with nerves as I set on the bench in the changing room, my kit hanging proudly behind me. I was wearing our warm up clothes, my leg bouncing against the floor as I attempted to braid my hair, fingers shanking.
"Let me", Leah offered kindly, and I shot her a smile as I turned around, my back towards her as she began combing my hair. Save me, San Francisco was playing in the background, and even though I didn't consider this particular song to be suitable before a game, I didn't complain. Partially because I wasn't sure I could speak without throwing up, and partially because I didn't want to disturb the team's tradition. Our tradition.
"Beth, can you play some good music? Some of us wanna get hyped here", Leah exclaimed and I wanted to thank her for speaking my thoughts, but I couldn't. My stomach was still in a knot.
Beth murmured something in response but I couldn't understand it over the music. She pulled out her phone, and soon enough Eminem was blaring through the speakers. I liked that a bit more.
"Are you nervous?", Leah asked as she pulled a strand of my hair softly. I nodded.
"Yeah", I croaked.
Nervous didn't quite describe the feeling I had. My stomach was twisted, my legs bouncing and my heart pounding in my chest. This was my Arsenal debut. My Arsenal Debut. I couldn't believe it.
I was in the starting eleven, which Jonas had announced to us yesterday. The news had stunned me, to be quite honest, because I hadn't had a coach as confident in me throughout most of my career. I hadn't started a game for my club since around one and a half seasons, to start a game after such short amount of time for a new club- it was incredible.
I was playing across from Beth, just behind Viviane who was our forward point. Although I would've placed myself in Viv's position, I couldn't quite complain. I was starting. Hell, I would've played as the goalie if it meant I got to wear my Arsenal kit from the first whistle blow.
"You don't need to be", Leah reassured me, pulling me back into reality. I smiled, although she couldn't see it.
We soon walked out to warm up, and even though my legs were still tingling, I didn't miss a single step, didn't miss a single pass, didn't miss a single shot. It was perfect.
Going into the game, I felt a little more reassured as I was wearing the number eight across my back, the red shirt hanging loosely from my body.
I tucked it into my shorts in the changing room, being one of the last girls to walk out. Katie came up behind me.
"You're gonna score, eh? What, three?"
I hummed, smiling at her.
"At least", I laughed, even though I knew I wasn't going to score three goals in my debut. I'd be happy with one.
The nerves were present as we walked out to the hymn of North London, wearing our jackets and shaking hands with the Brighton players. I knew that this game was important- it wasn't just a debut, it was the debut after Arsenal had lost the league, and even though I hadn't been present, I could tell the loss still laid heavy on my teammates. They were desperate to prove themselves - we were desperate to prove ourselves. I constantly forgot to include myself.
When the whistle finally blew and Viv passed Beth the ball, I felt the thoughts fly out of my head within an instance. My steps became steady, confident, powerful. My mind cleared suddenly, my eyes focused on the ball running through the grass and our opponents, constantly trying to intervene in our game.
I first touched the ball within minutes. Kim passed it to me in the midfield, where I'd dropped back to as Brighton pressed us lowly. The second it touched my foot I took to the left, passing Kulberg and running towards our opponent's goal. It was a long way to go, as I had received the ball in our own half, and when I took my eyes up to scan my surroundings, I knew it was foolish to run through the defense, as they were lined up well. Glancing towards the middle, I found Viv just ahead of me, passing the ball to her perfectly. She took off as well as I sprinted down the left wing, careful not to end up offside. I ran behind one of the defenders, presenting myself in a passage.
"Viv!", I yelled out, asking for the ball but she heard me too late and instead passed the ball towards the right, to Beth. A Brighton player got to it first, and soon I found myself sprinting into the other direction, marking my opponent.
The first minutes were filled of up and down's, the ball being equally spread between Brighton and ourselves.
When Kim once again won the ball towards the middle line, she took off towards the opponent's goal. I sprinted ahead of her and she passed me the ball early, as I ran towards the penalty point. The Brighton defenders were out of sight as they'd been slower to run back to their own half. Glancing up towards the side, I realised Beth was slightly behind and knew there was no one else to receive the ball. I had to go on my own.
It was just me and the goalie left, and I put my full concentration into the offence as I leapt the ball to the left, preparing my shot. But just as I was about to hit my foot against the ball, I felt a sharp pain in my ankle and soon found myself on the floor, my legs tangled with those of a Brighton player.
The pain shot up my leg as I lay on the floor, clutching it tightly. Panic struck me immediately. It'd only been what, seven minutes? I couldn't go out with an injury. Not now.
Not now. Not now. Not now.
"Ellie?"
Leah's voice dragged me out of my thoughts as I looked up into the blonde's eyes, her hand extended towards me.
"Do you need the physios?"
I shook my head and slowly got into a sitting position, holding my ankle still. The pain was enough to shake a grimace onto my face, but I didn't think it was enough to take me off the pitch.
Quickly, I took Leah's hand and swung back to my feet.
"You good?", she asked and I nodded, shaking my left ankle slightly.
Only now I realised it'd been Kulberg who had fouled me, and she had been sent off the pitch with a red. I smiled. That was good.
"Are you taking the shot?", Kim asked me, patting me on the shoulder as I was still staring my ankle down. I immediately told her no, knowing that the pain in my foot meant I couldn't get enough power into the shot just yet.
As we lined up for the free kick, the more I stepped on my foot the more the pain seemed to dissolve. Relief washed over me as I stood next to Katie, positioning myself in front of one of the Brighton defenders.
The ball was shot into the penalty area, just in front of the goal, but as we jumped up Katie hit the ball just outside the goal.
"Next one", I clapped Katie's shoulder as we ran back into our positions.
The game settled a bit for us afterwards, as we possessed the ball most of the time, making our way through the midfield and defense of our opponents, but the ball just couldn't quite get in.
We had been on the pitch around half an hour when Kim finally shot the ball, hitting it into the back of the net. I ran over the group of girls as we all hugged by the corner. We were one up now, and our confidence was only growing, even though not much happened in the rest of the first half.
I half expected to come off in halftime, even though Leah was rubbing my back, congratulating me on the good game I'd made.
"Haven't done much yet", I grimaced, not quite confident in my performance. The game had been good for me overall, I created chances, won most of the fights and made some nice passes, but I hadn't scored. Hadn't assisted. Hadn't intercepted.
"Don't say that, you were brilliant", Leah looked at me with a serious expression on her face, holding both of my shoulders and shaking me slightly.
"You'll score today, I know it", she promised, but I hugged at her statement, pulling my socks up to the top of my knee.
Jonas entered the room soon, and I dreaded the moment he'd tell me I was off.
"Ellie?"
I looked up at him, nodding my head.
"Can your ankle hold up for the second half?"
I grinned subconsciously, nodding my head again. He gave me a thumbs up, before addressing the whole team. Leah squeezed me shoulder, giving me a whispered I-told-you-so as I drank from my water bottle, nibbling at a protein bar in between sips.
We walked out for the second half in the same formation, Jonas feeling confident we were in good shape. I was just relieved he didn't sub me off, even though I knew he didn't have a good reason to do so. It wasn't that I made mistakes, it was just-
The second the whistle blew again my head was once again empty as I chased the opponents, in need of the ball. Brighton struggled early on, passing the balls in between their defenders without driving forward. They made a few attempts towards our half but quickly cancelled them as either Beth or I came too close for their liking.
After a few minutes, I saw my chances. One of the defenders was coming up, dribbling the ball towards me. She didn't take her head up to analyse her teammates offering themselves around her, and I soon positioned myself right in front of the woman, cutting off her way. She took towards the left but I knew she was only faking it as she'd done so many times before, setting my foot out to the right.
The ball hit my foot within seconds and I spun it to my left foot, setting off. I found Viv in the middle and quickly passed through a whole in Brighton's line-up. Viv took a few steps before I cleared myself off my defender, offering yet another pair of empty feet. The ball quickly came back to me and I set towards the penalty point, running through Brighton's defense. I saw an opportunity. I took it. I shot. I scored.
My hands flew up into the air in celebration as I took towards the corner, sliding on my knees towards the corner flag. The Arsenal fans roared, and after the initial burst of sound settled, I could hear their voices.
Weber's fucking magic,
she wears a magic hat.
She could've stayed at Bayern,
but she said "No, fuck that"
She passes with her left foot,
she passes with her right.
And when we win the Super League,
we'll sing this song all night.
I felt the girls' arms around me as we commenced in a group hug, my emotions all over the place. A tear escaped my eye just as I saw Leah in front of me.
"I told you!", she yelled, pulling me into an energised hug immediately. I laid my head against her shoulder for an instance, taking in her smell as I closed my eyes.
Leah was there. She'd seen my goal. She'd told me so.
The moment was gone within a glimpse and I soon found myself back in the middle of the game. We were winning over Brighton easily now, keeping the ball in our possession and creating chances over chances. There was still a long way to go in the second half, and we were hungry for more now.
Just fifteen minutes after my goal, Beth scored again, plunging the ball from the edge of the box into the top corner. I ran right behind her, jumping on her bag.
"Don't want you to get too cocky now", Beth grinned as she turned around to hug me. We were soon crowded by the whole team, but our celebration fell short as the goal hadn't come as a surprise. We were pressing for more chances and I found myself in the flow of the game, dribbling, passing and shooting at the goal a few more times, but I didn't seem to get lucky again.
Jonas began substitutions shortly after our third goal and every time the whistle blew and I looked over towards the board, I feared to see the number eight in red lights. But I didn't. Viv was taken off, Caitlin, Lia and just five minutes before the full ninety, Leah left the pitch as well. I applauded for every one of them, knowing there was one possible substitution left, but I attempted my best to keep my head in the game and focus on the now.
Focus on the now.
Soon after Leah left the pitch, we were awarded a corner on the left side. My side.
"You go!", Kim yelled towards me and I nodded, jogging over towards the corner.
I heard the Arsenal fans chant my name once more and smiled as I took the moment in, positioning the ball on the outside of the ring as I took a few steps back. Leah was behind me on the bench, just a bit to the right.
It was a long shot. I knew it was. But if I managed to slice the ball towards the left a little further, hitting it just below the center-
"Go for it!", I heard my coach shout behind me. I raised my hand within seconds, signalling I was aiming towards the second post, before hitting the ball. The instance it left my foot, I knew it worked. My foot had touched just below the center of the ball, the length of it slicing the ball inside perfectly. Katie jumped up for a header as did the rest, but none of them reached the ball. It slid into the back of the net perfectly, and a scream left my body that was so powerful it surprised even myself.
The Arsenal fans roared once more as I turned around towards the crowd of them, and soon found myself in someone's arms again. I knew it was Leah as I breathed in her scent. How had she managed to sprint across the length of the pitch so quickly?
Swinging my arms around her, I allowed myself to be in the moment a bit longer. The clock was ticking down now, and with the scoresheet being 4-0, we all knew there was nothing left for the game. We'd won it.
"Fucking madness!", Leah yelled into my ear and I jumped back a little, our bodies still wrapped around each other, at the loud sound.
"I did it", I whispered, emotion suddenly overflowing me once more. I could feel Leah nod against my shoulder, and only when she pushed me back a little to look at me, I realised the whole team was surrounding us. Leah had been the only thing I noticed. Her presence had swallowed me whole. I breathed.
"Hell yes you did!", she yelled once more and before I knew it, the referee blew the whistle, annoyed with our long-lasting celebration. We jogged back into our position but I left Leah with a dread in my body, longing for her.
The game ended soon after. We won. 4-0. I had scored. Twice.
Before I had time to celebrate with my team, a body pulled me to the side. I looked up to find my coach grinning at me.
"That was absolute masterclass, Ellie. I'm so proud of you", he said with a serious tone, before taking me into his arms. I hesitated for an instance, but I knew it was Jonas. It wasn't him. Wrapping my arms around him carefully, I took in the Arsenal fans that were still cheering for the team. Cheering for us.
"Come on", Jonas pulled me with him, "You're up for an interview."
I found myself in front of the camera soon enough, a microphone being pushed into my hand and a reporter I didn't know standing in front of me.
"Ellie, what an amazing debut of yours! What are your thoughts right now?"
"Yeah it's insane, to just start and play the whole ninety minutes was great but yeah to win our first game of the season, scoring two goals, it honestly feels like a dream right now", I answered without blinking. My head was empty.
"How does it feel to be a gunner now, do you think it's paid off?"
What a stupid question.
"Yeah of course, it's been an incredible pre season and first game, I'm super happy here", I smiled, wanting to punch the man in front of me. He nodded curtly, but before he could ask another question, I saw someone sneak up behind him. Viv.
"Would you let me borrow her? We've got to celebrate", she asked in her Scottish accent, not awaiting an answer as she pulled my hand, leading me away from the interview.
"What an ass", she breathed, guiding me towards the rest of the team. I nodded. My head still empty. I had nothing left to say, but I liked to think the grin on my face said it all.
ellie.weber: first game for the arsenal couldn't have been better ❤️ #coyg
katiemccabe11: you said you'd score three
leahwilliamson: so excited for what's to come ❤️
I posted the pictures a few hours later as Leah and I lay in my living room.
"You're still not paying attention", Leah murmured as I looked up from my phone at the TV, where the Bayern game was presented. They were one goal behind against Bayer Leverkusen, the score throwing them off of their game entirely. Something was going on in Munich, everyone was sure of it.
The camera focused on Syd as she and Klara worked their way through Leverkusen's defense, but she soon lost the ball and the team in red made a run for Munich's goal.
"It's a shit game", I shrugged my shoulders and focused back onto my phone, scrolling through the comments on my recent tiktok. It was the first gameday in two seasons that Syd and I hadn't posted our iconic dance, and I had the version of me doing it on my own in the drafts, knowing I couldn't post it without twitter having a field day. Instead of breaking the internet, I had resorted to a new dance, not quite wanting to give up on the tradition. People had noticed it anyways, and my comments were full of people complaining about my move or congratulating me on the game. It was very much Arsenal v Bayern fans, and even though I didn't exactly feel comfortable knowing so many people still saw me for my past, I enjoyed the fact that the Gunners' fanbase had accepted me into their team already and jumped to my defense.
"What are they doing?", Leah questioned, throwing her arms up in the air as Bayern conceeded their second goal. I looked up at the screen and saw Linda being nutmegged.
"What, are you rooting for Bayern now?", I asked her, still not focusing on the game. Over the edge of my screen I could see her reach for my coffee table and before I knew it, we sat in silence, the TV off.
"Hey!", I complained, making Leah raise her eyebrows.
"Don't act like you don't want to watch the game then.Where's your head at?"
I huffed, looking at her. Her eyes were on mine and her lips were pulled back. I knew she wasn't enjoying my company right now, but I also knew I couldn't tell her the truth. It'd been her who'd suggested to watch the Bayern game instead of a movie, and I'd agreed reluctantly because I hadn't been able to find an excuse quickly enough. There we were now- almost an hour and a half later, I'd been on my phone the entire duration of the game, only listening to Leah's comments. She'd figured out I hadn't been paying attention when she'd lifted her head just before half-time and seen me invested in TikTok.
"I don't care that much about Bayern anymore, really. It doesn't concern me what they're doing."
Leah was silent for a moment, her face laid on a pillow next to my stomach, as she looked up at me. She soon lifted herself upwards, leaning on her elbow.
"Why didn't you say that? We could've been halfway through TopGun already!"
I grimaced, putting my phone away.
"I don't know", I mumbled, tearing my eyes away from Leah as she nodded curtly, dropping back onto the pillow.
Leah was the type of person not to ask any further, not to dig for answers I clearly didn't want to give, not to pull everything out of me that she could. I was grateful for it. Really, I was, because I didn't know how a person could be so understanding of someone like me- completely irrational, full of secrets, always lying. Lying.
I was a liar.
"What should we watch then?", Leah asked, grabbing the remote once more as she prepped her pillow up against my side, coming even closer. I could fell her blonde hair, still wet, against my leg, tingling slightly.
I was a liar.
"I don't know, Leah, I'm really tired."
Lie.
"Oh, okay. We'll watch TopGun another time right?"
"Of course."
Lie.
Leah got up from her position and soon looked at me, a nervous smile on her face.
"Sorry, if I- uh, if I overstepped. I get that you don't-"
"It's okay, Leah. You didn't", I gently brushed a hand against her shoulder. This time, it wasn't a lie.
Leah nodded, relief washing over her face.
"I'll see you tomorrow then?", she asked as she pet Magnus for one last time before removing the cat from her lap and getting up from the couch. I walked her to the door.
"Thanks, for the nice evening", I smiled but it was fake. It was a lie.
"Yeah, I had a fun!"
I hoped she wasn't lying.
The regret hit me as soon as the door closed behind her and Magnus hissed at me as I sat down on the couch. I had kicked her out. I had kicked Leah Williamson out.
Oh God, what was I even doing?
vivien speaks!
long chapter woohoo!
while you're at it, go check out my new fic! it's a katie mccabe fic and it's certainly bringing all the angst
i'm honestly not too happy with this chapter but it is what it is!
vote if you enjoyed and please leave your opinions in the comments! much love x