| Lavanya |
Its been two months and more of me as a CEO at The Gossip Bee and I had never thought that it would be this exhausting and challenging. Or maybe I knew but I was not prepared, neither I am today. I don't know what's coming next and how to deal with it. In my college days, I used to wonder that how would it feel to be at the top, and if I would ever be there. Would I be left with friends or just foes? And when I am living my dream, it is not pink and purple. It's emotionally draining. Agastya is neither a friend nor a foe. At this moment, he is a nobody to me. Or do I want to believe that he is a nobody to me while all my actions and reactions, are for him? He has annoyed me to the extent that I don't identify myself anymore. Short tempered, stuck and exhausted. Whatever I did in his office was not just a one day frustration, it was my piled up anger, I have been trying to diffuse with jokes and sarcasm since a long time now. Everyone comes with a certain threshold and he made me cross that. For how long, I would have controlled myself?
I didn't know that a one day leave would destroy everything. We all were working on the story of Inaam Political rally, conducting interviews, gathering details of the drive and reviewing the on site management again and again because all the top leaders were invited for today's event. I knew it was a crucial time to take an off from the office but my father was going to California for a month and I had to visit him once. It was a Sunday yesterday and I thought every thing would go according to our plans. I thought the things were under control and surprisingly Agastya didn't say a word against me this whole time, he just offered some suggestions like a cooperative team member, listening to my cues as well. We were working together like we never did before and I was loving it. As much as he surprised me with his behavior, I was equally happy to see him like that. Concentrated and away from alcohol, thanks to the new rules. But how could I undermine Agastya Raichand? How dare I think that he would let me live in peace and enjoy myself and hope for something more from him? And why the hell I always get soft so easily when it comes to him? Merely forty eight hours or so of his niceness or may I say unproblematic working style and it led me to think of him in a good light. Some days of no cat fights and I began to think about being cordial with him, I began to worry about his addiction. Why am I always so weak and attracted to him? I don't know what it is in him that he ends up giving me hope for a better tomorrow with everything he does. His smallest of actions, his tiny grins, his affirmative eyes, him nodding a positive yes to anything I say, makes me think that maybe there can be respect and... maybe an us? I don't understand how does he do it? Because every fucking time, he makes me regret thinking so. Either he makes me feel as if everything is alright, everything is good or he just shows me the hell, straight. There's no in between.
Yes! After becoming the CEO, I want the control in my hand, I want everyone to follow my instructions and this is all because of him. On my first day in this office, I never thought of power and control. I never intended to fit into those cliche CEO parameters. But the drive to make Agastya lose in his own drawn battle has made me crave it. It's true that whatever I have said in his office is a lie. At this moment, I don't give a damn about those three employees, they are just a reason behind my frustration, and a cover to let out my anger on him. He again proved me powerless and incompetent while I don't want to prove myself inefficient and a loser in front of him. But is that all? Is that why I was so riled up? No, it isn't only about me coming in power, but about him. He renders me hopeful, mesmerized and expecting whenever he behaves nicely towards me. I begin to daydream about a nearly impossible warmth and affection, which maybe I want to have between us. But as much as his tiny steps towards me lead me to these conclusions, his slightest of rudeness makes me lose my control because his actions give me a reality check. He crushes all the hope in a split second. And that's what happened today.
This time I thought, I will lead the entire thing and that, I am having his support, I have him, and oh! What a loser I am to think so! I was winning till Agastya didn't play and I lost the moment he stepped into the battle field. It has always been a fucking battle field around us. Does that mean I can only win when he is not playing? Does that mean only he can hurt me?
NO!
I won't let him win. I didn't. I saw how frustrated he was all the time for not being able to taste a drop of alcohol because we didn't go home for there was a lot of work. I saw him fighting his urge. That day, I felt pity but now that I look back, I don't feel a thing. Or have I forced myself to not feel a thing for him? Contradictions to my own actions arise in my mind but I cast them out.
I am also capable of hurting him (and myself). I just burned the love letters and all the photographs of him and Natasha, he had kept as a memory in his office drawers. I burned them all. In front of his eyes and he couldn't do anything. I won! Didn't I?
Agastya Raichand can't be my end.
Or has he become a prize, all my struggles would lead to? Or was I simply jealous of a deceased woman? I let out my anger on her and him because how can he break my heart every freaking time? Why does my heart beat for him at the first place?
YOU ARE FUCKED UP LAVANYA.
"Ma'am? Can I come in?" I look up to find Rishita on the door of my cabin. She seems hesitant and worried for me, I can read it on her face. What else an employee as kind as her can think of when she gets to see her boss all broken. My face is stained with tears, my hair are dripping, my dress is clinging to my body like a second skin and I am cold. I don't have the energy to even nod at her.
"Ma'am. I am here to help. Shall I pass you on, another pair of clothes?" Her voice is timid and sweet to which I slightly nod. My eyes are fixed on nothingness yet I can feel her moving around, hearing the sound of opening of the cupboard, where I had kept an extra pair of clothes for emergency. She took a minute to grab the essentials. Rishita makes her way to me with towels, and begin helping me with my hair while I hug myself with the help of other towels. My body finally experiences some warmth.
"Rishita." I call out her name sadly and she hums in response, telling me that she's listening. I know she is just an employee, not a friend but something about her made me regret my actions. She's so kind and I? I am losing myself. I want to confide my mistakes. It's true that among the ninety nine percent of selfish crowd, someone else's one percent of kindness can shift something within you.
"Do you recognize me?" I hold her hands in mine, looking at her for an answer.
"What do you mean ma'am?" She asks innocently.
"Am I the same person you met on the first day? Or am I changed? Cruel. Ruthless. Sad. Torn. Heartless. Just like him." I breathe. My eyes go wide at the horrific realization that how pathetic and mean I have become. How can I do that? And most importantly why did I do that? How can I burn Agastya and Natasha's photos and that too purposely?
"Like who?"
"Like Agastya. Or maybe worse than him. Because if not me, he at least cares about you all. But look at me Rishita. In order to win, I have lost my empathy. I don't care about the team, but his failure. I don't care about his pain, but my own heartbreak. I have become heartless and hurtful that I have burned his fond memories of her. I went personal in a professional tiff. I crossed the line. I wasn't like this Rishita. I didn't come here so mad and driven. What is happening-"
"Ma'am! Ma'am! It's alright. Stop crying." Rishita frantically tries her best to comfort me about something she doesn't have any idea about and all I feel is tears on my cheeks making their way as I hiccup and sob heavily. Guilt surges through me.
"I feel like a los-"
"LAVANYA!" I hear his loud voice from the washroom. Agastya has come and I know the reason. The rage in his voice is a clear indication that he has got to know about me burning his personal photographs and letters along with the documents. Earlier, he had tried his best to handle my anger and that very moment I felt like pulling him into a hug to hide myself from me but then I realized that his care is momentarily and he was just trying to calm me down so that I don't cause much damage. He was relatively calmer but now his voice tells how much hurt and resentful he is.
I wipe my tears and asks a terrified Rishita to leave my cabin with a poker face. "Thanks for the help and don't tell anyone about my breakdown. I do not understand why it happened -"
"There's no need to explain ma'am. I understand." She replies and leaves quietly while I wipe my tears as anger again rises inside me. Whatever I feel about my actions, doesn't lessen the fact that he is the one who had forced me to reach this stage. I have never lost my temper to this extent where I end up hurting others, especially him. But Agastya Raichand brings out the worst side of me. Have I begun to behave the way he does?
I quickly changed my dress into a comfortable black pant and a golden shirt tucked meticulously inside the bottoms, while all this time he continued to shout my name outside. I dabbed some concealer and face powder on my face and begin to put on the lipstick when Agastya manages to break the lock and enter inside the washroom. I shriek in surprise, because he opens the door with a loud noise.
"Lavanya!" I look back at the mirror, deciding not to give him my attention though he is making it difficult. Agastya is seething with rage while he is still cold and soaked. His nostrils flare, his dark grey eyes are piercing enough to make me feel the emotions behind them. It isn't Agastya Raichand, the managing editor who has come to me, but a lover. Natasha's lover, who harbors hatred for me. Just pure hatred and strangely, it hurts me.
Agastya didn't take a second in pulling me towards himself, making me twist on my heels in a way that has me holding on his torso for support. I hear the bottle of my moisturizer falling down the slab because of the sudden movement. My eyes get locked with his and I can see nothing but anger.
"Who the fuck. Allowed you. To touch my things?" Agastya pressurizes on each and every word, in his strong masculine voice. His grip on my wrist is causing me immense pain. He has never held me the way he is doing. Monstrous. His fair cheeks are tinted red, his dark grey eyes stare ruthlessly, the dim colours of the light highlight his face and makes it look more prominent and beastly, knocking a sense of fear inside me. His teeth grit as he pulls me harder when no answer comes out of my mouth.
"Who the fuck were you to go against me?" I force the words out somehow and I still wince in pain.
"Lavanya Sinha you are a motherf*cking pain in my ass! Don't try me this time! You will regret every second of your existence today." He replies and before I can say something, Agastya forces me out of the washroom, into my cabin. He locks the room and begins to turn on the blinds. He is making me go mad at his actions but I am too occupied with my bruised wrist to stop him.
"Don't be a coward, Raichand." I say, looking at him with distaste as he does that.
"Unlike you, I am not unprofessional. I don't bother my colleagues with my problems and don't worry I won't put you on fire." the last line stings me.
"I did that for those three inno-" I lie and he doesn't let me complete.
"You burned my personal belongings, Natasha's love letters and photographs for those three innocent souls, from whom, apparently, I have snatched away a golden opportunity? You put my fucking cabin on fire, not caring once about anyone in the office? How amazing! Isn't it?" Agastya pulls me towards him and yells at me in a voice louder than I can handle.
"Agastya -" I call out, my nails dig on the arms of his wet shirt.
"Utter the fucking truth at least. Answer me Lavanya! Why did you do that? How could you pour your frustration on my things? Who allowed you to do that? Who the fuck in this office, is more important than someone's private life? Did Mr. Patnaik asked you to do so? Or my dad because he hates Natasha for making who I am? Or was it you who can't handle my way of working? If you can't, then just fucking leave this office. You are nothing but a fucking loser Lavanya Sinha, who has no business but interfering in other's privacy."
"STOP! STOP IT!" Tears trickle down my cheeks as I hold him by his collar in rage, tugging on it and more tears make their way down my face. He calls me a loser and the worst part is I am not feeling any less.
"I haven't even started yet. You couldn't handle some minor inconveniences in office and you thought you can let out out your frustration on Natasha in any way? Do you have no control over your emotions?"
"Look at yourself before pointing out my behavior. Do you remember what you did with me that night? You humiliated me in front of everyone. Agastya Raichand you ripped me off my newfound reputation -" I know I am wrong and everything I say in my defense is utterly nonsense but I am defending myself for the sake of defending. I can't lose after already feeling helpless around him. I can't-
"That wasn't because I was taking grudges on you for our past. I crossed my line to show you and Mr. Patnaik that I don't agree with this arrangement and I will soon change it with my grit and determination. Yes I was harsh on you but I corrected it immediately. Unlike you I didn't do anything that could hurt you personally. And I won't ever defend it like you. Did I hurt your family? Have I ever called them names? Or did I play with your stuff, the things which might be close to you, did I touch them?" I wipe my tears as he is saying the words which are making me feel more guilty and shameful of myself.
"You could have kept your hate to me, not Natasha. You could have called me names in front of the whole office but you shouldn't have touched my things." Agastya bores his eyes into mine, his tall frame looming over me and I feel trapped.
"You are asking me why I did it? I am asking you Mr. Agastya Raichand, will you be able to listen to my answer?" I cry, losing my temper. I struggle against his grip on my elbow but he is like steel, not moving an inch. "I did it because you are ruining me. Your presence, your way of working, your habit of poking me has caused all this. Yes! I don't give a fuck about those three employees, it's me who has got hurt. It's only me, you hurt every time. You bruise my ego, you hamper my ways, you affect me in ways I can't imagine." I say adding a much more deep meaning to what I say, while he stands in front of me not getting the undertone of my words. "Yes! Agastya I am a fucking loser because you just don't lose. You don't get bothered by me, the way I get, you don't feel the same way around me the way I do. You don't give a flying fuck about what I do, either with the intention of doing good for this company or with the intent of making you lose. Nothing deters you but Natasha. I burned your things because I wanted to hurt you, to make you feel like shit and hopeless as you render me. And Agastya! Look where it got me. I am still at the losing end because this time I have lost myself. I have never felt this bad by hurting someone. I haven't ever hurt someone for God's sake. But Agastya Raichand you! You have made me a woman I am not. I wasn't hateful, I wasn't resentful, I wasn't this lost. I have always believed in keeping memories, preserving them because only memories lasts long. I was empathetic, but now all I care is my ego and my heartbreak." I see him looking at me in perplexion when I utter the word heartbreak. "All I care about is your fucking attention." I add nevertheless. Agastya doesn't utter a word as I say it all. His eyes doesn't leave me, his hands are still holding me in place, this time gently. But I know that no word of my confession can decrease his loath for me, not even if I try. So it's better to tell him the truth rather than saying a sorry, he won't count. "Earlier I wanted to know you, to comfort you, to tell you that my intentions were never of hurting you but now I just want you to stand at the place I do, I want you to lose this battle, which you started. Not me. Again. Now go away! Before I spew more venom, before I get more bitter, go away because I can't handle this feeling. I hate myself because I feel shameful to cross the line, to forget the rules, to expect something from -" I sob harder, hiding my face behind my hands. All I keep earning from him and all I am imbibing from him is hate and resent. Time and time again, all I do is indulging with his business and for record, that was all fine, until I went personal. I don't understand what mood I was in, why I did that. I finally looked up to see his reaction but Agastya caught me off guard. I was shocked. The guy sitting in front of my eyes, can't be him.
I have never seen him cry.
Agastya Raichand has a lone tear on his face. It took me a second to realize that his hands didn't hold me anymore. He sat down in front of me, on the chair as he sighed and his gorgeous face muscles relaxed for a bit but then he looked up at me with disdain and that moment I realized I shouldn't have done what I did because seeing him like that, didn't make me feel happy or accomplished. It was nothing near satisfaction. He was hurt and it was hurting me. Seeing him like that, all silent and lost, all I feel is guilty. His tears didn't help my self esteem for I genuinely crossed the line and to make him feel that he wronged me, I wronged him in the worst way possible. I wronged myself too.
Should I say something? Should I apologize? - my heart asked. NO! My conscious replied. For once, maybe I can let him go through the same I have gone through because of his indifference towards me.
"Smart choice of words Lav!" I heard his voice and I was back to reality. Agastya was looking at me with blood red eyes, his face muscles restrained like always, his voice loud and clearer than ever, and he continued. "It was very convenient of you to blame me. But you. Are going to pay for it." Agastya again bored his eyes into mine when he said this. Even from a distance, I could feel the force he was putting on my soul. He was seated, but I could feel the same bile rising my stomach, the same goosebumps adorning my skin, whenever he stands near me, holds me closer. I felt grounded. "Enough of this game, this fight of mouse and cat, chasing each other. Let's do it the way it should be done. The Agastya Raichand way." Agastya said and before I could say something, he walked out on me.
More tears made their way out of my orbs. I clutched the nearest chair for support as I sobbed harder. I don't know what he will do. I don't know what I will do but one thing is very clear that I won't go down to his levels. If he decides to destroy me, I will not repeat the mistakes I did today. That's my promise to myself.
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"EXLUSIVELY ON GOSSIP BEE! We bring you the most sensational news and here is today's bulletin - Mumbai police force sabotaged a terrorist attack." Sneha, our news reporter was recording for live coverage and I was stunned to hear about it. Another story covered without my knowledge? I shall get used to it now and specially after what happened today, I can't hope for anything. Three hours have passed since my fight with Agastya, but he still hasn't come out of his cabin when we are broadcasting our prime time news. It was important but for him, nothing is.
"Yes. You heard it right. The terrorist attack was planned by the group of ex militants, to end the thousands of important lives present at Inaam political rally which was planned to be conducted this afternoon. The rally will take place tomorrow at the same place, without any fear and threat. Now I will pass the control to our senior reporter Mr. Irani who is currently present at the sight." She announced and I almost choked on my black coffee. I was unaware about the terrorist attack and that it was planned for today's event. Did Agastya know?
"Mia? What's going on? A fucking terrorist attack and nobody told me?" I asked Mia who was one of the three reporters, I had planned to send from our side. She was looking calm and composed when she was watching the live being recorded alongside me. She was also managing the on site management, bringing us the live updates.
"Ma'am! The terrorist attack was planned by ex militants and it was me who broke this news to Agastya sir. I got to know it yesterday and you were on leave, so I informed him. He even promised me a hike in my salary for gathering this sensitive news." Mia said, dreamily, jumping on her feet.
"Cut the crap. What did he say then?" I asked all horrified because my mind was forming a possibility which might come true.
"He ordered me, Rohan and Ridhz, sorry I mean Riddhima to back step because we are new and we may get tensed or may panic in such a situation and trust me ma'am I was so scared and we three were thinking to talk to you about it but Agastya sir, himself solved the issue by sending Irani sir and his team to cover the rally. He said he will talk to you about it and we don't have to worry about it. Ma'am you and sir are the best bosses we could have got. Rohan was stunned when he got to know that Agastya sir is being so concerned about our safety. I want to say -" suddenly Mia went on her knees and continued "from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much. My mom was.. " Mia was saying cheekily, gratefulness and drama was evident in her eyes but I walked out in shock because I couldn't focus on the rest of her speech. She doesn't know that she has left me with cold feet. I can't process the shit she just said. Agastya went against my decision for the sake of their safety? He changed the team because these three were not experienced enough? He ensured their safety along with grabbing the eyeballs through this news? He knew the possible dangers which may lead to chaos in the office and in the rally.
Damn! No way!
At least I should have talked to Mia before storming into Agastya's office and doing the shit I did. Tears once again streamed down my cheeks, making my view hazy yet I could clearly reminisce the damage I had done. My hurtful words which were nothing but a mockery, my actions which were below the belt, Agastya's tears, his allegations, his warning, and lastly his softness with which he was trying to handle me in his office before I ruined things, everything came in front of my eyes. I rushed to the washroom so that I could cry loudly. Guilt and shame didn't let me see myself in the mirror without a low gaze. I was flustered.
AGASTYA? WHERE IS HE? Suddenly my mind panicked and there arose a feeling of keep saying sorry to him until he actually forgives me. How am I going to settle with the fact that he harbors hatred in his heart for me? How will I give him back those love letters written by Natasha for him? How will I return him the pictures in which he was smiling with her, genuinely from the heart? I reminisce about the picture, I glanced at while burning, Agastya sitting on a swing like kids, in a polo shirt, offering Natasha a big smile, I haven't ever seen him with. I have done a big mistake.
I quickly rushed out to search for him but he wasn't anywhere. His cabin, his washroom nowhere. I checked all the rooms or our building, but it appeared as if he had vanished into thin air.
"Vidyut where's Agastya?" I asked as Vidyut supported me when I accidentally bumped into him. Vidyut sighed and looked at me with disappointment in his eyes.
"Are you kidding me Lavanya? What do you want now? Aren't you satisfied after setting his cabin on fire?" He said.
"Vid-"
"- I have always sided by you but honestly speaking Lavanya, I didn't expect this from you. When did you become so childish and careless?" Vidyut didn't let me speak, but I was also speechless for I had no words in my defense. What I did was absolutely foolish and stupid besides being wrong.
"I'm sorry Vidyut. I want to apologize.. Where is Agastya?" I cried. Vidyut looked at me with a frown on his face and breathed.
"I don't know. Isn't he in his cabin?" He said.
"I checked there. Cleaners are still cleaning it and they say, they haven't seen him."
"There you go!" Vidyut let out an exasperated sigh, he is truly done with our daily fights. He has always tried to diffuse the tension but neither Agastya sat back nor me. Instead we used to drag him for choosing one between the two.
"Vidyut! I want to meet him. I am so scared -" I replied, my body was shuddering, my eyes were burning with hot tears but I didn't cry this time. There was no time to cry.
"Why are you panicking? Has something else happened between you two?" Vidyut held me in place and asked me with concern.
"Vidyut I -"
"You what? Tell me Lavanya!" I struggled with my thoughts. I didn't know how to tell him that I had burned Natasha's pictures.
"I will tell you later." I said frantically and took a seconds pause. "But please help me in finding him. Has he left? To his house?"
"Calm down. Breathe Lavanya. Come with me. Let's go to his house." Vidyut side hugged me and we approached the elevator to go to the parking.
Vidyut was looking for his car when my eyes landed on Agastya's. The car was there. That means. He's here. Agastya is right here in the office building. I began walking around and saw through the windows to check if he's inside the car or not.
"Vidyut! That's his car. Agastya! Vidyut Agastya is still somewhere here. We need to look -" suddenly I my eyes fell on someone. It was Agastya, lying unconscious near the passenger seat's gate.
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Lavanya and Agastya's outfit inspo :
A/N : Another Friday, another update. Please share, read and vote for the story.