a/n: belated merry christmas, guys!
The sun meets the sea as it sets for the evening, coloring the sky a shade of orange and red. After a few silent minutes of ambling, Perrie leads me to a somewhat secluded part of the beach save for a few people on the beach huts.
She sits down beside this humongous rock situated just a few inches away from the shore, and she gestures for me to do the same. It feels we're on a whole different world because of the coverage it provides us from everyone else. Something warm floods my chest at the thought that we're finally alone.
"Hit me," she says once I'm seated, her lopsided smile plastered onto her face.
I take a moment of silence to try and muster up the courage to tell her what I've been trying to since she came back home. When I do, I force my eyes to look straight ahead and not at the gorgeous woman beside me whose blonde hair swaying away with the wind and ocean blue eyes glued on my side profile.
"I . . . I lost my mom two years ago," I start almost breathlessly, cautiously, as if telling her that was a risk I'm not sure I'm willing to take.
She freezes at the statement. "Jade . . . I —"
Without looking at her, I reach out to her hand, squeezing it reassuringly. Then, I carry on, "It was a car accident. Mom was on her way home, but at the intersection, the . . . the driver — the driver ran the red light and so they —" I choke up, tears springing at the corners of my eyes.
"Jade, stop." Perrie grips my hand hard enough that I had to pause mid-sentence and peer at her. Her eyebrows furrow as she shakes her head. "Why are you telling me this? Where is this coming from?"
"I didn't want you to feel alone," I whisper with a crack on my voice. "Perrie, I know we only just met but I just want you to know that I — I'm here."
A scoff escapes her lips before she stands up abruptly to my dismay. "But not for long, right?"
"What?" I stand up as well, watching in confusion and panic as she dusts off the sand that stuck to her jeans and walks away afterwards. I have no choice but to follow her.
"You know —" she laughs in disbelief as she stomps on, her hand combing her hair in exasperation. "For someone who's just staying for vacation and is clearly looking for a fucking fling, you're so nosy, Jade Thirlwall!"
I abruptly stopped trailing after her. Her words are like needles in my chest, and I feel like I couldn't breathe because the more I do, the more painful and paralyzing these needles could inflict upon me. She spins around to face me. Her face has turned red and her hands are fidgeting uncontrollably.
Where is this coming from? Why is she being like this to me? I was just trying to make her realize that she's not alone — that she has me. I lost a loved one, too.
A lone tear rolled down her cheek without her permission and she angrily swipes it away before I could do it.
"Stop caring about me if you're just gonna leave me like my mother did. I can't —" a sob rips through her throat accompanied by a few tears that she once again tries to dry off but to no avail. With a deep breath, she plows on, "Jade, I can't handle another heartbreak."
"Pez," I sigh. I take a step forward to reach out to her, but she pushes my hand away and shakes her decisively.
"Those who are dear to me get to call me that," she muttered, then jabs a finger at me, "and you're not one of them, Jade."
It's hard to ignore what she said, and it's even harder to ignore the pain in her voice. My mouth opens and closes; my thoughts are too overwhelming for me to grasp onto something to say.
"I wasn't trying to be —"
"Did Leigh tell you about Mom?"
"I —"
I hesitate and she takes that as an answer.
Perrie scoffs and proceeds to walk away. "Fucking Leigh."
"Hey, it wasn't Leigh, I swear," I pant as I reach for her hand, only for her to pull away again. "Perrie, listen to me!"
Thankfully when I tug at her hand, she doesn't pull away this time. She just stops without facing me. At this point, it is already dark, the people have already left, and it's just the two of us. This is the perfect time and place to say what's on my mind.
"Leigh didn't tell me about your Mom," I start carefully. "It doesn't matter who did. What matters is that I'm here for you. I went through what you went through. I felt what you felt. I . . ."
I halt when Perrie slowly turns to face me. Tears are streaming down her face, engendering the ache inside me once more. Tentatively, I reach out to cup her cheek and swipe at the tears with my thumb. She sniffles pathetically but she doesn't flinch at the physical contact.
I couldn't bother to hide the relieved smile from her anymore.
"I want to be dear to you." My voice devolved into a raspy whisper that was caused by the tightness in my throat. "Only a few weeks, and you're driving me crazier than anyone else. And I love it."
Another sniffle on her end. "I'm sorry — I'm pathetic."
I shake my head and peer into her soft blue eyes, gently rubbing the pads of my thumbs against her cheeks. "No, you're not."
"You were talking about your mom — the first time you opened up. And I still managed to make this all about me."
"It is about you," I counter, pulling her in for an embrace. My smile widens when she proceeds to wrap her arms around my neck and bury her face under my chin. "Perrie, I want to get to know you better."
She doesn't say anything in response. A few sniffles here and there, but she's slowly calming down now. I wish there's a way for me to check what's going through her head so I can fully grasp her feelings right now.
I tilt my head sideways to rest my cheek against the top of her head. "Tell me about your mom. Or dad." She never mentioned her father, and I was curious.
She pulls away. "Just my mom. Dad left us when Cait was born." I wait as she composes herself; drying what's left of her tears, taking deep breaths. And then she gives me a small smile. "She's the worst mother. And I hate her for ruining our lives, Jade."
XXX
The conference situated at the tenth floor of Plus Entertainment was my favorite room not only because it's the only room that has wall to floor windows that showcase the breathtaking view of Manhattan, but because the room is at the end of the hall; it provides the kind of privacy and security that I need.
Right now though, it only made me feel claustrophobic and queasy.
I need to get out of here.
My eyes remained on my clasped hands on the conference table as the door swung open and was closed with a bang along with the booming voice of my manager who just barged in.
"What were you thinking!?" Jesy slammed a newspaper article in front of me.
I flinched and was forced to look at the biggest mistake I have ever done printed on paper. A scoff escaped my lips; they have officially immortalized it. Ire slowly seeped through me; I could almost feel it holding everything inside me captive.
What do they know about my life? They don't know what I've been going through.
"Get this thing away from me," I spat, snatching the paper and crumpling it before hurling it across the room.
"No, I want you to fucking realize what you've done, Jade Thirlwall." Jesy stomped her way to retrieve it before coming back and throwing it my way. "I want you to fucking realize the consequences of not using your head — have you any ounce of pity for yourself?"
I heard swoosh of the paper just centimeters away from my ear before it crashed against the wall behind me. I've known this woman for years to vouch for her accuracy in aiming — I know she didn't let the crumpled paper hit me square in the face.
For a split second, I blew a breath of relief before collecting myself.
"I told you to go home alone!" She scolded once she's by my side again.
I shrugged nonchalantly. "I didn't want to be alone."
She grabbed the back of my seat and spun it so I had no choice but to face her. "People are making up stupid theories! They're speculating you've bribed him for that role!"
I knew that; I knew they were going to conjure up some inane theories about how I really knew Steve Harrington — a three-time Academy award director with star-studded movies that most directors envy the most — and I knew they'll say I'm using him.
I guess, in a way, I kind of did beg my way to get that role, but not in the way people assumed. I wish I could just shout in the rooftops how none of those rumors are true — that Steve and I don't have anything substantial going on between us — but that would be a lie because ever since that kiss, there will always be something.
But I didn't care. And that was a foolish mistake because now I'm paying for it.
It took every fiber of my being to say this as calm as I could. "I needed someone and Steve just happened to be there."
"Steve fucking Harrington!" Jesy burst into hysteric laughter, as if this is all unreal. "You mean to tell me you're so fucking desperate that you're willing to let a stranger to just — Jade, you don't even know that guy!"
"My mom knows him," I meekly reasoned out, staring at nothing.
"But you don't!" Jesy raised an accusing finger my way.
"I don't care." I rolled my eyes at how pathetic I sounded. "Steve's new; I needed something new."
When I looked up to face her, I was surprised at the fresh hot tears that were streaming down her face. Jesy didn't bother to wipe the tears off her face — incidentally, this might be the very first time I witness her cry. Not wanting to see my best friend crumble in front of me anymore, I quickly looked away and forced my eyes to stay glued on the table.
We stayed silent as a few minutes ticked by. When I glanced at the clock, I was shocked that it was already 7:34 in the evening. My hand itched for my phone hidden inside my skirt pocket. I needed to text Steve that I couldn't make it to our dinner —
My train of thought stopped when I heard Jesy practically drag her feet on the way just to slide herself down against the wall. She buried her face in her hands and her sobs were the only thing I could hear after that.
"Jade, do you have any idea . . . how painful it is to watch the world turn against you?" A tear slipped down my cheek at the crack of her voice. She sniffed a bit before continuing, "The day your Mom hired me to become your manager — how old were you? Eighteen turning nineteen, probably — you know what she told me, she said you crave attention. And as soon as I saw you walk inside this same conference room with this confidence and stuff, I thought 'Hell, she doesn't crave attention, she's a fucking whore for it'."
I couldn't help but scoff at that, shaking my head. "Fuck you. I don't like attention."
Jesy showed her palms in surrender. "You loved it before, and you and I both know you still do. You can't live without it, Jade Thirlwall. You're a people pleaser, and you're born to be one. That's how you survive up to this day."