"Shall we continue where we left off earlier?"
Karlyle's back touches the hallway wall. Ash is tilting his head and staring at him. What they left off earlier....what was it? Ash is so close that his brain stops functioning. The only thing in his blank mind is that their lips almost touched a few minutes ago.
".....What are you talking about?"
There's a lump in his throat. An unexplainable tension is enveloping his entire body. The goosebumps that he felt earlier spread through his lower back.
Ash doesn't say anything. He only looks at his face with a gaze that Karlyle can't quite make out. A breathtaking silence passes between the two. Just as Karlyle realizes he's holding his breath, Ash steps back.
"We decided to answer what we were curious about each other."
As if the moment just now was a wind passing by. It feels like there was some tension that was on the verge of exploding but then was forced to diminish. Slowly, he understands what Ash's referring to, and he realizes that he has interpreted it in a different way from his opponent. Shame rises in him.
Why....?
While he's busy with his thoughts not knowing what's going on in his head, Ash opens the door next to him. Karlyle takes a breath and lifts his back off the wall. Ash holds the door for him.
"Karlyle, you go in first."
Karlyle looks inside. It's the room that he accidentally entered once when he was small.
"Is this Marquis Gordon's study room?"
That means this is a place Karlyle isn't allowed to enter.
"You know this room? I thought Phillip didn't show this place to anyone."
Ash asks curiously. It isn't a very proud memory so Karlyle doesn't say more. That day, many things happened beyond his control.
"As I said, this is a place where no one can come, so it will be just the two of us. Or do you perhaps want to go back to the party, Karlyle?"
Since his purpose of attending this party is to make connections with Marquis Gordon, and that purpose has been done, he has no reasons to go back and interact with other nobles. At this time of the year, social parties are held to the point of exhaustion. He won't lose any money if he doesn't attend today.
"I don't need to."
"That's great then."
Ash smiled joyfully like a boy. When the word "boy" comes up in his mind, it also brings back an old memory he had of this place, which he has forgotten for a long time. He has spent his entire life without thinking about it, however, that memory must have come back since the person in this room with him that time was someone like Ash.
"I played here a lot when I was young. Ever since my mother passed away, Phillip let me and Natalie visit his place often. He was especially generous with us as well."
What a new story. Phillip Gordon's private life is abnormally secretive, and apart from big rumors, people know mostly nothing about him. He gets a lot of attention for being the best friend of the Duke. Everyone is probably very eager to dig up about him.
"Karlyle's expression is hard to read, but you are having a curious expression I suppose?"
"It'd be a lie to say no."
"The story isn't anything secretive like in movies."
Ash leads him to the window. Although it isn't a vast garden like Marquis Frost's residence, outside the window, he can see a garden beautifully harmonized with sculptures and lighting installed with Marquis Gordon's unique sense. A long time ago, there were fireworks here.
The soft orange light of the study room falls on the windowsill. The window is high and long enough for tall people like Ash and him to sit down and read books. He wouldn't do that, but he can imagine Ash doing that.
They sit together on the windowsill. With their hands remaining intact, they gaze at each other like tender lovers. Ash says with a smile.
"Don't you think I might be Phillip's illegitimate son?"
Ash is so blunt that it takes him aback. They are so alike that they truly seem to be father and son. Ash has different colored eyes, but if he looks closely, they are blues different in shades.
"I guess you have heard that a lot."
"Yes, since birth." Ash says casually.
"But I'm not his illegitimate son. My mother loves my father very much. My mother and Phillip were childhood friends, they basically grew up together. That's why there were a lot of rumors around them. And my father fell for it. Actually, I look more like my father."
He's heard about Ash's father from his grandfather. He doesn't know what kind of agreement there was with Ash's maternal great-uncle during his time, but his father seems to be a greedy person who uses the story from that time as an excuse to offer up his son, who isn't even a noble, for an arranged marriage. To be honest, he even wonders if he views Ash as his son and as a person.
"My mother was a gorgeous woman with blonde hair, my older sister Natalie looks just like her. For me, I have mixed hair. If you look closely...."
Ash gets closer to him. Just like in front of Aiden earlier, Ash tilts his head and stops at a distance where the tip of their noses almost touch. Karlyle can see his long eyelashes in front of his nose. He can almost hear the sound of them fluttering.
"My hair is brown under the light."
Ash looks at him with smiling eyes as if he's asking him to touch it. And Karlyle does something uncharacteristic of him. As if he's being possessed, he stretches out his other hand, which isn't holding Ash's hand. Then, he lightly touches his hair. It feels soft like his look. He gently takes his hair that falls over Ash's forehead with his index finger and thumb. It's as soft as his skin.
"..... It really is." Karlyle says.
This somehow feels familiar. The memories of the past play in his head. Midnight, hiding in the dark, away from others. The person looking down at him in the dark had this same hair color. Though he couldn't see his face....
"After that, my parents' relationship wasn't very good. My father was having a hard time. And the story after that was just boring. Phillip felt very sorry to us during the process."
Ash continues calmly. He's sure it's not an easy story to tell others, but when he listens to Ash whispering it to him, maybe he's being mistaken, but....
It feels like the two of them have become closer.
"After that, my mother passed away. Phillip felt even more at fault, so he took care of me and Natalie like his own children."
Ash's story ends there. He smiles and tilts his head, rubbing his cheek against Karlyle's palm that is playing with his hair. When he feels the warm skin, Karlyle suddenly realizes that he has been rudely touching Ash's hair for too long.
"I'm sorry."
Ash lets out a small laugh when he sees him quickly retreating his hand.
"It felt good though."
"Still, I was rude."
"Not at all, but can I use that as an excuse to ask you a question now?"
It is the deal they made with each other. He got to hear Ash's story, now it's his turn.
"Yes, feel free to ask me."
"This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, I have to think carefully."
Ash is lost in thoughts, as if he's thinking about the most important matter in his life. They are sitting facing each other. His blue and gray eyes with long eyelashes are fixed on him. Karlyle can only hear the sound of their breathings. The music outside the study room no longer reaches his ears. What remains is the sound of raindrops falling softly on the glass window.
"I have got the question."
Ash whispers. His voice, deeper and lower than usual, sends a chill down his spine.
"....Yes."
"I have so many questions that I have decided to pick the most stupid one...."
Ash gradually gets closer. Close to the point that their noses almost touch. He has to step back. He knows that, but strangely, his throat is choking and his body won't move.
"Your first kiss. When was it?"
The word "kiss" sounds particularly sensational. At the same time, the memories of the past swim in his head. It was a bizarre coincidence. Somehow, it feels like Ash asks this question for a purpose.
Because this place....
"It was when I was very small."
"When?"
His soft whisper blows away his embarrassment. Karlyle slowly confesses a secret that he has been rolling on the tip of his tongue. A secret that he has never told anyone.
"I think it was when I was 12."
He doesn't remember who the other was. He was wandering around and got into the study room when all the lights were off. At that time, he was playing hide and seek with his peers. The New Year's party was in full swing, and Karlyle found a quiet place under the pretense of hiding. He was tired of talking with too many people.
When he opened the door, he saw a boy standing in the dark. He was about his age, but taller than him. While he was wondering whether he should turn on the light, the boy shushed and told him to be quiet.
'Are you here to hide too?'
Karlyle nodded. That boy whispered to him in a way a big brother talked to his little brother. Karlyle went to his place when the boy gestured for him to come closer. As he approached, the boy sat down on the floor next to the windowsill. While Karlyle was unfamiliar with the way the boy casually sat on the floor, the boy gestured for him to sit down. His eyes, dimly visible in the dark, were smiling.
'It's fine. This place is quiet. I ran away here as well.'
Karlyle had never seen this nobleman before although he knew all the nobles of his age by heart. This boy must be a relative of the great Marquis Gordon and was hiding in his mansion. They remained silent. The boy seemed to have been accustomed to staying still.
The first time their eyes met was when they heard the countdown outside. Women and men in suits holding glasses of champagne were standing in front of lights prepared in the garden. The two boys slightly raised their heads and looked at the scene outside.
'Do you know this?'
Seeing him not reacting, the boy spoke again.
'I heard adults say that on New Year's Eve, they kiss whomever they meet for the first time.'
Karlyle blinked. Perhaps the boy thought Karlyle was being shy, he smiled kindly.
'It's just me and you here.'
The countdown numbers started to decrease. Karlyle was just staring at the boy, listening to the shouts counting down to 10.
'Uhm, we're still too young, aren't we?'
He thought that was what the boy said.
'Still.....'
The shouts were so loud that he couldn't hear the latter part. The countdown was about to end. 3, 2, and the end had arrived. As soon as people shouted 1, the outside of the window lit up. But Karlyle couldn't look out the window. He closed his eyes as he felt the soft and hot touch on his lips. The first kiss of his life.
He could hear the boy's small laugh. Soon, the warmth disappeared. The other boy only kissed him lightly, then he stroked his cheeks.
'Happy new year.'
Right when the boy wished him a happy new year, he heard two footsteps outside the hallway. They were probably nobles looking for an empty space. It suddenly occurred to him that he wasn't allowed to enter this place. Since he came here with his grandfather, he shouldn't have made any mistakes.
'I have to go.'
Karlyle hurriedly got up. His trembling stomach which hadn't been able to calm down from the surprise kiss also probably played a role. Karlyle quietly left the room without noticing how the boy was trying to hold him back. After running down the hallway for a while, he saw his father finding him.
He looked back. There was no one on the stairs. He should have asked for the boy's name. Even though he had those thoughts and impulses, he couldn't reject his father's hand that was pulling him.
"I have a similar memory."
Ash's words bring him back to reality. In an instant, Ash's pink lips come into his view. His eyes bulge wide a little, however, he keeps his cool and meets Ash's gaze.
"Karlyle is a year younger than me, so our first kisses must be around the same time."
"....I didn't think my first kiss would be earlier than yours."
"I know right? Now that I see it, you are not as naive as I thought?"
Ash stares at him with a sly smile.
"I don't know who the other person was, but he was such a lucky guy."
In the tense atmosphere, Karlyle reflects on Ash's actions today. Hugging him from behind with no hesitation, saying all those strange things.
And Ash's talking like he's being jealous.
The confusion he had when they talked to Aiden comes back again. Karlyle looks down at their interlocked hands.
He knows. That this too is a kind of transaction. Perhaps Ash is an entirely different human being from him, he often gives him incomprehensible favors. Is this why he kept allowing exceptions from Ash?
His heart has been suffocating ever since he entered this room. Is it because of the memories of the past and the constant tension this place brings? Oh, maybe he should bring this up.
"Today.... I didn't expect that you'd call me your fiance."
Ash, who has not once taken his eyes off his face, makes a puzzled face. Karlyle pulls his hand from Ash's and stands up from the windowsill.
"I didn't expect you to reveal it since it will become something that never happens in two weeks from now."
Ash blinks. The study room, which has double wooden bookshelves covering the walls, has a unique smell of paper and wood. Ash's figure in the middle of the room feels so familiar. He must have gotten used to his existence in the short period of time they spent together.
"As for holding hands in public, I..... I don't know what you thought at that time, Mr. Jones. You won't have to belong to this world, but this world is where I have to live. Being overly intimate can lead to tremendous consequences. The wedding preparations are going faster than you think."
Karlyle realizes that he needs to regain his balance by reestablishing the boundaries that have been loosened. As he just said, Ash didn't belong to this world. He's too naive and kind to be here. He didn't even grow up here to begin with.
In the end, Karlyle Frost will be the only one left. But Ash's actions today makes it seem like he wants a future with him.... It's so confusing. If he had been a little more foolish, he would have mistakenly thought that Ash wanted to accept the marriage.
After what he says, Ash is lost in thought for a long time. He rubs his lips, then he nods with a subtle expression.
"You're right."
Ash admits as if he doesn't know it.
"I was careless. That shouldn't have happened. I apologize."
His eyebrows curl up as he offers a sincere apology. But it doesn't make Karlyle feel better. Ash's reply is pretty much reasonable in this situation, however, strangely enough, Karlyle doesn't like the idea of him apologizing at all.
"I have a lot of monopoly desire."
Ash brushes his hair awkwardly. He repeatedly clips his lips.
"Anyway, right now, you're still my fiance, so I don't want anyone touching you....I guess so. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel offended."
Ash says quietly. The two of them return to reality, as if the subtle atmosphere that enveloped them just a moment ago is an illusion. So the conclusion remains the same. Ash's apology equals that he wants to keep their contract.
He thought something had changed between them, but in fact, nothing.
"I'm sorry. Can you please forgive me? Of course, you don't have to if you don't want to. I acted like a jerk, so of course I am to be blamed here."
That can't be possible.
Karlyle has no voice in this relationship. From the beginning, he has been unable to resist Ash Jones, and he still is. Pushing Ash away wasn't even an option in his mind as he was confused dozens of times over whether Ash might have changed his mind about the marriage..
"I'm not offended. It's just....."
That's because I'm confused.
"I think it would be better for both of us to be careful."
The distance between them, which he thought to have been narrowed, goes back to how it was. Normally, Ash would approach him whenever he retreated, but today, Ash doesn't. Standing there agonizing in silence, Ash then says with a smile.
"I don't want you to suffer any more damage because of me.... Should we make our meeting next week the last time?"
His fingertips go cold at the word "last". He knows that if they have to end this, it'd better be soon. But as it really happens, he's momentarily dazed.
".....Did you say next week?"
"As I said before, I needed some time for personal matters, and I didn't want to make you uncomfortable. First of all, I have put out the really urgent fire, so I have to take care of the rest. I have been too complacent. The same goes for the wedding. I didn't expect it to proceed that fast. Usually, it'd take half a year....."
He isn't wrong. Come to think of it, it took Kyle months to prepare for his wedding. Considering that their situation is a little special, it isn't unreasonable for Ash to think that way.
"You don't have to meet me next week if you don't want to."
Ash is quick to make decisions. He's ending their relationship, regardless of his affectionate behavior two hours ago. With such a friendly smile.
If they have to end this, the sooner the better. But for some reason, Karlyle can't confidently bring that to his mouth. It's a sudden feeling. Even though he has predicted this, why is he feeling like this? He looks at Ash for a moment. Ash is waiting for his answer with a kind face.
"When would you like to meet me?"
Eventually, Karlyle answers. At his question, Ash rolls his eyes, as if he's glad that Karlyle said yes.
"Let's meet on the weekend like usual."
"Is that enough time for you?"
"Yes, I just need to get ready to be hit in the back by my sister."
Ash says that casually and then stares at him. Sitting on the windowsill while watching him, Ash says.
"I'm glad that I met you, Karlyle."
Then he holds his hand out for a handshake. A different gesture.
"Even if we're no longer fiances, let's remain friends."
Ash is correct though. Because the conditions they first discussed are these. The reason he couldn't really go against Ash's will, and the reason he couldn't push him away, is all for that. To avoid cutting off their future relationship.
Ash isn't hesitant about holding out the hand that Karlyle just let go a while ago. Karlyle knows that Ash isn't asking him to hold hands in that sense, but Ash's hand feels so distant now. Slowly, he grabs his hand.
Instead of intertwining their fingers, Ash only holds the back of his hand gently. It's a polite handshake. It doesn't feel like Ash is tightly holding onto him because he wants to touch him. As if Ash has no regrets about what he has done so far.
As if Karlyle is the only one who has lingering feelings.