Chapter 33:
Their fallout was their own choice
I lost track of time while having fun with them as I saw the sun was slowly rising. I can feel the heaviness in my eyes watching the fires on our bonfire slowly died.
"Thank you everyone for making our night memorable as we close this chapter in our life." napatingin kami sa pagiging seryoso bigla ni Rachel.
Hindi ko alam kung lasing na ba to o ano. Ang dami niyang nainom!
"And it's sad how we became closer to each other when we're about to end our high school life." malungkot na sabi ni Jasmine. "Who says this is the end? We'll continue this unexpected friendship in our college life too." Sam said with a big smile on her face.
"Oo naman, pero iba kasi pag highschool eh. Sa college may medyo may kanya kanya na tayong buhay. It's not like we'll choose the same course, right?" nabitin sa ere ang ngiti ko dahil sa sinabi ni Jasmine.
She's right. Ang laking panghihinayang kung kailan mas naging malapit kami sa isa't isa, doon pa kami mismo mahihiwahiwalay.
"Anong mga kukunin niyo?" Aaliyah asked with curiosity. "I'll take up law. Wish me luck." Sam said with a heavy sigh. "Engineering." tipid na sabi ni Jasmine. "I'm kinda torn between business and political science." nag iisip na sagot ni Isla.
"Bussiness." sabi ko naman. "Psychology—" I laughed when I heard everyone's violent reaction because of what Rachel said. "Oh? Bakit? Wag kayo matawa tawa dyan! Baka ako magpapamental sainyo." ng mas lalo akong natawa.
"Girl, that's not how it works!" I said almost crying. She always has a way of turning serious conversations to joke time. Pareho sila ni Isla pero mas nakakatawa kay Rachel. "Okay! Sa fashion na lang ako." agad niyang pinalitan at nagtawanan ulit kami.
Ang layo ng psychology sa fashion ha!!
I bet you she's gonna change her mind after a minute. "O kaya subukan ko maging model na lang. What do you think, Kirsten? Bagay ba?" see? and then she tried doing some model poses. Napailing na lang ako sa pabago bagong isip niya.
She just rolled her eyes on me as she took a shot. Ang lalakas talaga uminom ng mga to.
"Ikaw?" tanong ko kay Ali. "I— uhh..." she tilted her head trying to find some answers. "I'm not sure yet." diretso niya at halos wala ng nag salita.
"It's fine. Don't rush it, babe. It's not like we chose those careers because it's our passion or dreams. Like duhh some are doing it for money like me." Jasmine said trying to give her some comforting words.
"Mahirap talaga ang mabuhay mabuhay sa mundo." Sam dramatically said as she stood up. "Let's call it a night or day! I gave you your hotel keys with you, right?" tanong niya at tumango kami. "Good night then." at umalis na siya.
"She's right. So why live life strictly with rules only? Loosen up a bit and take a risk!" at tumayo na din si Jasmine. Medyo natamaan ako sa sinabi niya.
Why am I making things complicated by being so strict and serious with myself? I'm just eighteen. The start of my lively young adulthood. It's fine to loosen up a bit.
"Are we supposed to say encouraging words before we leave? Those damn smart assholes! I have great wisdom too." pansin ni Rachel na ikinangiti ko.
"You know what, Ali? I-shot mo lang yan! Stop being so denial and start being honest with yourself. Alam mo naman ang gusto mo eh. Takot ka lang. Gaya nga ng sabi ni Jasmine. Take a fucking risk." sabi niya at kinuha pa yung alak habang papasok sa hotel.
Napatingin naman ako kay Ali na mukhang wala sa sariling pinapanood ang mga alon. Natamaan din ata siya sa sinabi ni Rachel.
I looked at Isla when she loudly sighed. "Is it my time to leave now?" tanong niya sa akin. "I realized the past few days that being honest to yourself is one thing you can do to avoid regrets. Just like what Rachel said." nakatingin niyang sabi kay Aaliyah.
"The result may break my heart or who knows, right? but at least I did it without regret." I can feel there's a meaning behind her words. "Good night!" ngiti niya sa akin at tumayo na.
I am sleepy as hell too. Bakit ba may pa-grand exit silang lahat? Pwede naman kaming sabay sabay na pumasok sa hotel eh.
"Remember those days when I always cried if someone tries to be friend with you?" biglang tanong sa akin ni Aaliyah. "Nung una okay naman sa akin eh, dumadami friends ko pero nung nakita kong napupunta sakanila atensyon mo. Naiinis ako." pagkwento niya.
"And then you ended up crying." ngiting sabi ko nung maalala ko yon. I remember our elementary days. Ang daming may ayaw sakanya kasi nagmamaldita siya pag may lumalapit sa akin. "I've always liked you ever since we met." "As friends." I quickly corrected her words.
"As friends." she admitted. "Kay Sam lang ata ako hindi nagselos." napatango ako. Magmula nung magkasama kami sa volleyball ni Sam okay lang sakanya kaya nagtaka ako nung una.
"Maybe because I got matured?" hindi niya siguradong sagot. "Or maybe because I wanna try to understand a part of myself why I don't want you to share with others." dagdag niya habang napapaisip ito.
"I was actually relieved with Sam as your friend. No jealousy at all. I was like okay nothing's wrong with me? Naging okay tayo na ganon ang set up friends mo mga ka volleyball team mo at friends ko mga cheering squad kasi alam ko sa huli tayo paring dalawa ang sabay na uuwi." we're both watching the waves when the surroundings became so bright.
Morning is here.
Even though the wind is cold, the sun is slowly warming us up.
"Until my birthday came which is weird because it's somehow feels right to be there with you alone. Being with you alone, the music, the dance and mood set us up when I unconsciously found myself kissing you." ng matawa siya onti.
"To be honest, your reaction to our kiss scared me more than my own feelings so I ended up lying it was just a kiss but it wasn't just a kiss to me." ng magkatinginan kami.
Parang nagising ang buong diwa ko sa narinig ko. "I really wanted to kiss you in those moments." she confessed as I gulp down my saliva.
She wanted that kiss!
She wanted to kiss me.
"I'm not quite sure when did I started having a feelings for you but I know this isn't just a sudden feeling that came out of nowhere. I felt like it piled up until it overflowed where I can't control myself anymore." as she sighed.
Hindi naman ako makapaniwalang nakatingin sakanya.
I always thought my love for her was one sided but we're just the same. We were both controlling our feelings trying to save our friendship.
"Hanggang sa nakampante ako at nasanay na walang ibang taong dumarating sa buhay mo. Kahit boyfriend, wala. Until I saw how you slowly drifted away when Isla suddenly came. Natakot ako. It was so sudden but I'm more afraid of losing you than you— being in a relationship with her." malungkot niyang sabi.
I didn't know that.
"Kahit napapansin ko, ayokong i-open up sayo because we might end up ruining our friendship so I tried to save it without talking about the problem. If accepting Isla as your girlfriend would save our friendship then I'd settle with that. At least, I still have you by my side right?" tipid niyang ngiti pero ramdam kong naiiyak na siya.
"But it was hard. It was hard seeing her hugging you or even kissing you. Sabi ko maling paraan na ata yung pagseselos ko. Of course I wanna be happy for you but damn it hurts seeing you happy with another woman." when her tears fell.
She seem so fragile right now that I wanna hug her but I don't know what's stopping me.
"When Isla told me everything about your relationship with her medyo nainis ako sa sarili ko. I didn't know you felt that way to your Father. I didn't know you felt left behind as well. Akala ko lahat ng bagay tungkol sayo alam ko pero mali ako." mapait siyang ngumiti.
"You don't have to blame yourself. It's impossible to know everything about a person, not even our Mom can do that." malungkot siyang napatango at pinunasan ang mga luha niya.
"I wasn't slipping away from you because Isla came and I had my full attention for her. No. In those days, I just wanted to distance myself because I felt... so overwhelmed with my feelings for you. It pains me to see you with Levi too." pag amin ko sakanya na ikinagulat niya.
"Levi was like my brother and you're my... love. I can't hurt him kaya nung hinalikan mo ako natakot ako. At first, I was happy but it feels so wrong to kiss you while you're in a relationship with him. Nakonsensya ako—" "No. Hindi ganon iyon. He wasn't my boyfriend—" I cut her off too.
"Yes. He told me everything about you too and he knows we liked each other." and she felt relieved hearing those from me.
"I'm sorry. It wasn't my intention to drag him. I was... I... just... Gusto ko rin kasi umiwas sayo nung mga panahong iyon. I was on my in denial stage." nahihirapan niyang pag amin.
"Do you even realized what you're doing right now?" naguguluhan siyang tumingin sa akin. "I know you protect your image so much. Ever since I had a fake relationship with Isla everyone knows I'm gay now." saka ko siya tinignan.
"Can you handle the consequence of coming out?" diretsong tanong ko. "Are you afraid I'd do what my Mom did to your Mom?" balik niyang tanong sa akin.
What?
"Your Mom was brave enough to love my Mom that she didn't care about the consequences of choosing her. She would always choose her right away— even ran away and leave everything behind. It was always my Mom who was afraid." saka umiling sa akin.
"You what's one thing I realized from their relationship?" seryosong tanong niya. "Their fallout was their own choice. They didn't fight enough for them to happen even when Destiny paved a way for them she tied them both to an invisible string where they would always find each other." she held my hand softly.
"I always thought that if it's meant to be, it will happen but I don't wanna bet my luck on Destiny and I don't know if Destiny would favor us too but Kirsten, I am willing to do everything for us. For both of us to happen." when she finally smiled with so much love.
"Kirsten, I am done processing my feelings anymore. I am done thinking about what ifs and consequences. All I know is I'm ready for you. I am ready for both of us." at hindi ko na napigilan maiyak.
How can she be so brave enough to drop those heavy words with so much responsibility?
How can she be so determined to face the future with me when she doesn't even know what she wants to take as her course?
"And I'm willing to wait for you no matter how long it takes. I know the whole story between our parents has been tearing you down." when I felt her warm caress on my face wiping my tears.
"Talk to your Mama, she's waiting for you. Sort things out with your Papa, I know you still have a lot of things you wanna ask him. I'll be by your side supporting you as you do those things." napatango ako sakanya ng yakapin niya ako.
After a long rest, I went straight to my Mom. Aaliyah was there to support me. She just gave us privacy to talk sincerely with my Mom.
I didn't filter my feelings. This time, I was honest with her about what I felt with their love for each other but what she told me broke my heart.
"No matter what was our story with your father. I hope you know that you were born out of love. I hope I was able to fulfill the loved you yearn for a complete family and I'm sorry kung pakiramdam mo napagkaitan ka ng buong pagmamahal ng buong pamilya dahil sa nangyari..." agaran akong umiling.
"You did more than that, Ma. Tagos at lagpas na lagpas nga ang ibinigay mong pagmamahal sa akin eh. Maybe the reason I tried to find a father's love because I wasn't given a proper explanation or closure why that happened but now that I know..." saka ako tumango at agad naman niyang naintindihan ang gusto kong sabihin.
"I love you, anak." niyakap ko siya ng mahigpit. "I love you too, Ma. I promise I'll be home in a few days. Kakausapin ko lang si Papa."
"I'm fine, Kirsten." saka ako kumalas sa yakapin namin.
"You can always come home to me anytime. I'd welcome you with open arms but you can also stay with your Dad to get to know him more. He isn't so bad, Kirst. He was just blinded by jealousy and anger because of what I did to him." malumanay niyang sabi habang sinusuklay ang buhok ko gamit ang mga kamay niya.
I looked at her seriously and I nodded slowly. "Why don't you try and talk to him too? He's been hating you for different reasons." I carefully said.
"In time, my love... We'll see." ngiti niya sa akin.
I feel so light hearted as I step out of our house and I quickly smiled when I saw Aaliyah anxiously waiting for me.
[A/N: I think this has been my most challenging story ever or like literally fast? Gosh! I only posted this last month and I can't believe we're about to reach the ending. Ang bilis! Baka hanggang 40 chapters lang to or less. Anyway I wanna hear your thoughts!!! Feel free to comment. Ask me anything. Who are you rooting for? Bakit parang walang nalilito kung team Ali or team Isla? Kasi kung wala, I felt like I failed my love triangle trope :((( sad hahahaha but anyway thank you everyone kahit ang onti natin! I'm always grateful to each one of you.]