It was Friday night, of the same week of my first week back at Arsenal. My first week seeing Leah since the break up, seeing all my friends again, and seeing Jill Roord in a new light.
But again, It was just dinner, no expectations, just two colleagues having dinner, that one of them was making for the other, and getting to know each other. Why was I trying to convince myself it wasn't a date, when it was so obvious it was.
I did my makeup and got dressed, then headed out the door and drove to Jill's.
I wasn't feeling nervous, it was just dinner.
----
I arrived at Jill's flat. She opened the door for me, and once I got in I saw the table nicely put together, with a vase of flowers, the plates and utensils set up like we were eating at a fancy restaurant in the city core of London. She was thoughtful about it all.
"This looks nice"
I smiled at her and she smiled back.
We sat at the table and she plated the food she made for us, and it was far from fancy considering the set up of the rest of the table. Tomato soup and grilled cheese.
"I heard this was your favourite, very American of you by the way"
I was just surprised she knew it was my favourite.
"I'm Canadian"
"Same thing"
She laughed at me, clearly knowing she hit a nerve on by saying that.
She then poured us both a glass of wine, and sat down at the table across from me. We ate in silence for a bit, I think both of us were feeling a bit awkward. Until she finally asked a question that left me speechless.
"So do you really think you and Leah will get back together after what she did?"
Does she know Leah cheated?
"I don't know"
Simple response.
"I just want to know if I'm wasting my time"
She was so forward about it.
"I don't know what the future holds, obviously I'm hurt, but I really thought her and I would be forever"
"Thought?"
"Maybe it's because she was the first girl I ever got with, or the fact that she made me realize who I am, it's hard to let your first true love go, maybe she was the person I needed to realize that I was gay, and there is some girl out there who is my soulmate, all I know for sure is that she changed a lot of things for me, the way I see the world, the way I see myself, and most importantly what I want from life and how I choose to lead it"
She took a minute to process the monologue I just blurted out.
"I thought the same way too you know"
"Did you?"
"When I was 17, I was with this girl, my first girl, we were so in love, I pictured a life with her, and then one day it went away, at least then I moved for football, It was easier to forget her and move on, if I saw her everyday after that, I think she would always be in the back of my mind"
"But you still think about her sometimes"
"Only to remember how silly I was, I was young and we still are young, there's so much life for us left to live, why should we worry about the people who hurt us"
I nodded at what she said and smiled. It felt comforting talking to Jill, but the guilt of even being here in the first place took over.
"So you didn't answer my question, am I wasting my time here?"
I hesitated.
"Honestly Jill, I don't know what I want"
Her face dropped.
"Then why are you here?"
Another question I didn't quite know the answer to, I took a second.
"One of the first things I thought when we broke up was how selfish I was, I worked so hard to get where I am career wise and I have the greatest opportunity to further that, yet I was so willing to throw that away for her, and I think right now, I want to put that first, I've worked too damn hard to let that go"
"You didn't answer my question?"
I mean Dutch was her first language, so I was kind of just hoping she would take that as an answer.
"To explore, but I've been feeling guilty"
"You could've said no"
"I think I should have"
She nodded her head.
"I still want to be your friend though"
I looked at her with hopeful eyes, hoping she would be receptive to that.
"Yeah, I would like that"
We smiled at each other. It was a nice feeling knowing that I would have more friends around, considering one of my closest friends at Arsenal also happened to be one of Leah's best friends.
As I was leaving her apartment after we talked some more and finished dinner, it hit me. Beth.
"Wait, before I leave, Beth told you didn't she, all of the things you knew about me"
She had a look like she was caught snitching.
"Well Dan did, you know couples, they kind of tell each other everything"
I nodded. I gave her a hug goodbye and thanked her for the meal she made before heading out her front door. I had the intentions of going home straight after, but that last confirmation led me to other places.
-----
I pulled up to a house I've been to countless times, this house held so many memories. The ones about to be made weren't good like the other ones, but a new memory that could tarnish those, and make me want to forget they ever happened in the first place.
I walked up to the door, instead of the person I was hoping to see, a short dutch player stood in the frame, Danielle Van de Donk.
"Dan, where's Beth?"
"She's inside, come in"
She held the door for me to walk through. She was clearly excited to hear all about my dinner with Jill, unaware of the real reason I was here.
Beth was sitting on the couch, they clearly had a movie on, it was some sort of date night the two of them had set up for themselves.
"How was the date?"
She asked cheekily.
"Don't be cheeky with me right now, can we go to your room?"
I hope I sounded pissed off enough for her to get the memo.
She got up from the couch and looked worried, she just walked towards her room and I followed.
We got into the room and I made sure the door was closed behind us. I had no idea how heated this was going to get, but I just wanted to make sure it blocked out some of the noise from getting back to Dan, even though I know Beth will debrief her after this anyway.
"What's going on Abi?"
"Do you want to tell me how Jill knew about what went down between me and Leah"
"It wasn't like we were being malicious"
"That's not the point"
I could tell she knew I wasn't planning on leaving without answers.
"I may have told Dan, and Jill came over stressing over tonight and Dan may have told her"
I felt the tears starting to well in my eyes.
"I know you can't keep a secret, but there's some things you can't go around telling people, like this, everyone knows that"
"I just told Dan"
"It's still gossip Beth"
I was yelling at this point.
"I don't know why you're so angry about it"
She clearly wasn't understanding.
"Gossip ruins lives Beth, that's the unfortunate world we live in, if this gets out to the whole team my career is at stake, nothing will happen to you guys, you'll walk off scotch free, but not for me, no club, in any sport will want to hire me, I can say goodbye to everything I worked for in life, and not only that if it gets back to Leah, she will be so hurt, so that's another thing in my life ruined, what you need to understand is this one small thing can be misconstrued into something so ugly, I found my brother dead because of it"
Beth never knew of my brother, but I was so angry I didn't even think of what I was saying. It all just came out.
"Look, I'm sorry"
"If you were really sorry, you would fix it, friends don't spread other friends' secrets"
I was mean, but I was pissed off, rightfully so.
She nodded her head. I was so angry I didn't even want to be in the same room as her, so I stormed out, walking past a waiting Dan on the couch, and slammed their front door, I really wasn't thinking clearly.
I got in my car and drove, wishing the speed limits were quicker so I could just curl up in bed and cry.
I may have made a new friend tonight, but I definitely lost an old one.
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A/N:
-Did y'all really think I was gonna make Abi get with Jill? They be staying friends I swear. It's also too soon, she needs some time to be in her single era.
-I feel like I haven't been on here in so long, I missed you guys and this book:(
-Exams are almost over and I have 3 weeks off for break so I promise lots to come, it's just been so busy and I want to put my best foot forward when writing, this book is like my child at this point.
-Anyways thanks for all the love! <3