( Emma's POV )
In any good old fashioned Disney Princess Tale you'll find that the story starts off with Once upon a time and ends with Happily Ever After, but what happens in between the two? I like to think that life as I know it currently is the bridge in between. I'm endlessly hoping and yearning for that Happily Ever After to come real soon. After all, I'm almost seventeen and 2024 doesn't feel so faraway like it used to four years ago.
'You're On Your Own, Kid' blasted from my headphones I placed back on my head gently. I was supposed to be studying for my English Exam, which will be held tomorrow for fourth period, yet instead I was listening to my Spotify playlist while scrolling through my notifications on Wattpad. Yeah, I know I should seriously be studying instead of vibing to my favorite songs and reading Rini fanfiction, but let's just say I can't help it.... Damn my short attention span when it comes to school work.
Honestly, my true calling lies in songwriting. That's what I like and that's what I'm meant to do in life. I love music so much, I just referenced a Bruno Mars song to prove how much I adore music. I even managed to rhyme, thanks to my songwriting skills I've developed since I was twelve years old.
'You're On Your Own, Kid' reminds me an awful lot of myself. Taylor Swift has done it once again and released another relatable song for me to sob at 3 am. It also doesn't help that in my household, I really am on my own. However, thanks to Taylor, I'm reminded that everything I lose is a step I take.
Not only that, but to keep and savor all the friendships made and to never forget to live in the moment. At the end of the day, I've got no reason to be afraid cause I know that I can face this. I can do it! There goes my inner Rose The Riveter. Would it be weird or awkward that my mind literally lol-ed at that dry joke? I've lost my funny juice these days, it's quite tragic.
" Emma, get over here and get dinner started already! " My mom called out from the living room, which was right next door to my room. I hesitated to even answer back due to the fact that these days things between us have become so tense.
Exactly, what do I say to the one person who is the reason I endure emotional pain on a daily basis? Am I supposed to just put on a fake smile and pretend that that toxic behavior is totally okay? Well, that's the show I put on for her every single day, or else it could all be worse than already it is. I much rather suffer internally then put up with more bullshit. There's only so much I can handle and sometimes I feel like I might combust from bottling all the emotional abuse in.
" Emma, what the fuck are you doing that you won't get started on dinner? " She bellowed in the same angry tone that sends petrified shivers down my spine. " Please don't tell me that you have another stupid boyfriend already. "
There she goes again, being heteronormative, assuming that the reason I spend so much time on my phone is cause of a boy, when in reality it's someone else who makes my heart skip down 16th Avenue. I guess you could say that she's unaware of my pansexuality, all for good reason. I wouldn't want to deal with any snark remarks that would trigger my internalized panphobia anyways...
I'm basically just 'out' to my friends at school, but not really to my family. I know that makes no sense and being 'out' at school is a bad idea right? Well it's not like my mom is actually homophobic and the rest of my family is generally chill with LGBQT+. I'm simply just not ready to come out to them yet, that's all. I also fear that my mom wouldn't understand my pansexuality and deem it as false and not legit.
She's one of those people who thinks the only two genders in the world are male and female. She once rudely made a comment on the term 'Latinx' and Gen Z putting the X at the end to make it modern is 'stupid'. She seems to be oblivious to the fact that other gender identities besides Women and Men exist. Or maybe she just refuses to believe so. Only God knows what goes on in that woman's mind.
It's not just that, but also the fact that she seems to assume that you're either straight or gay. She mostly assumes everyone is straight though. Perhaps that's cause everyone in our family ( excluding me of course ) is straight. As you can tell, that took quite a toll on my mind back when I thought I was bisexual and it still does even know that I've figured out that I'm actually pansexual.
" Emma, get over here! Or else I'm gonna have to ground you from the laptop again! " My mom, for the 'last' time shouted loudly, except this time she was even more pissed than before. Fuck, I shouldn't have tested her temper, even if I wasn't doing so intentionally. I just always tend to get lost and drift away in my inner thoughts and disassociate from reality.
Yeah, I know, I'm about to head towards the dreaded kitchen to dance under the refrigerator lights whilst the top 40 radio station plays 'Cruel Summer' every thirteen minutes.
The Very Next Day....
When it comes to the Disney Princesses, I resonate the most with Cinderella.
Every single second of that classic movie is the story of my life. Perhaps not literally, since the mice that run and sneak around the creaks of kitchen cabinets won't ever turn into designated drivers, nor will the Pumpkins during Autumn poof into a carriage to take me away from this awful household. I also really doubt that my Godmother, who is my Aunt Lacy, is secretly a fairy with a magical wand that'll turn rags into beautiful, bountiful, blue dresses.
Some may perceive my fascination with Cinderella as childish- naive even. Others joke about it in a friendly manner and nickname me ' Cinder Emma'. In my opinion, Ella seems to be so misunderstood by the media these days. 'Cinderella Snapped' by Jax may be a bop, but that doesn't hold me back from wishing others could see the Cinderella tale through my lenses.
I'm not even sure whether my best friend, Heather completely understands. They told me that they used to find Prince Charming annoying and partially still do. Geez, what does everyone hold against him? That's the one question I'm dying to know. I would love to meet my Prince if he exists. I used to wish Heather could b that person, but I guess not anymore. In fact I wrote a song, having Heather in mind when writing it.
( 2nd Verse )
Deep inside all my life, it's been constant lies
By those I once trusted and deemed good in
It turns out that even mothers treat their child in ways they shouldn't
Cause even emotional abuse sets trauma
I've been disillusioned to what legit love is
After 18 years of trying my best, I wasn't truly cherished
( Pre-Chorus )
All my parents ever did was manipulate me
Like I was a puppet with pulled strings
But you, my love, has set me free
I'm so glad you've found me
( Chorus )
You see, what I see in Ella is actually me
And I take comfort in knowing
That I too could receive my happy ending
And you might not be a prince
But you've brought forthwith a love that isn't wicked
Your love is actually different
It's pure and true, and ever since, I've been in love with you
( A/N: Song written is actually by me, the author. I own this song and please don't steal or claim as your own or else I'm suing. )
This is honestly one of the most vulnerable songs that I've ever written. In the past, I've written how heartbreak has changed my aspect of whether love exists for me, but honestly it's nothing compared to my shitty relationship with both my parents. In fact, I'm quite peaceful now regarding past romantic heartbreak. But just everything about the two related to me by blood... not so much. I don't really like to talk about it, I rarely ever do.
I don't need a daily basis of excessive screaming and swearing and getting blamed for things. I don't need to feel like I'm not enough. It's literally 'the grudge' by Olivia Rodrigo, it's exactly like that. I just realized today how relatable that song is.
I never realized the damage done by parents can go on to haunt you when it comes to legit love. You don't feel worthy, and since you were never given true affection, sometimes love feels embarrassing and I cringe at affection when I say it. For some reason saying "I'm in love with you" scares me.
For a long time I went along with the crowd and "called out" Disney for the Cinderella tale. I never realized how relatable she is- just working so hard for her parental guardian yet never being enough, not being appreciated and they don't care, it's only their shit that matters and being treated shitty despite acting so loyal all the time.
Then you realize it doesn't have to be like that... You could actually be happy with someone who genuinely loves you regardless of anything.