S i m o n e
✢
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Uncomfortable was an understatement.
Last night felt like a fever dream. A nightmare blunt rotation; Nicolas, Ju Oh-nam, and Ella-Rose.
She called 15 minutes after Nico left, calling to complain about how Liam Selfring called her a slut for kissing his brother while they were drunk at yet another party.
I tried desperately to see her side of the story but a part of me did agree with Liam.
Ella-Rose wasn't the most exclusive girl when it came to relationships. But Liam should've known that by now.
He should be madder at his shitty brother for kissing his "girl".
Just my perspective, though.
I didn't fall asleep until 2 A.M. and when I unfortunately woke up, I was greeted with texts from Mother and Mira's modeling agent who I was now signed to, both talking about the Kate Spade shoot and some opening event for a new movie I needed to attend.
I couldn't deal with even the thought of talking to Mother, so I went back to bed until 1 P.M.
Oversleeping only made me more tired, but I couldn't get myself to care that I was fucking up my morning routine.
It wasn't until my phone rang yet again that I rose from my bed. Both to finally get ready for the day and also put my phone on DND.
Until I looked at the caller on the screen.
Mother.
Mother doesn't call me. We don't talk. She texts or gets Mira or Father to call me when I usually ignore her. At the old house, she'd just storm into my room if whatever she had to say was that important; it rarely was.
"What," I snapped bitterly, answering the phone and preparing myself for the upcoming dread I'd get from hearing her voice.
"Good to see that adulthood did little to change that attitude of yours," She sneers sarcastically and I picture her momentarily as Mother Gothel—the ugly and wrinkled version. Before I could answer or hang up, she continued talking. "Mira and I are going to a movie premiere tonight. It would be good publicity for you unless you weren't serious about modeling."
"I'm quite preoccupied tonight actually," I lied, picking at my manicure. My nails were pearlescent white this time. "You know me, Mother. Constantly with a full schedule."
A heavy sigh came from the other side. "Need I remind you who is paying for that house you are in right now? Grow the fuck up and be ready by 7. I'll send you the address-."
"No."
She continued as if I hadn't spoken at all. "If you aren't there need I remind you how sought-after brownstones are? Yours would sell quite quickly."
"Still no," I was bored of rejecting her.
And she kept repeating herself. 'Need I remind you' this and 'Need I remind you' that. I needed her to remind me how to buy a gun and put the barrel to my head.
"Text Mira when you get to the address, I'll have someone come get you from the front of the venue."
Click. Silence. Yeah, okay.
It was useless saying no to her, and Mother knew that too. I'd always eventually do what she wanted regardless of how many times I insisted I wouldn't.
I had no backbone when it came to my birth giver.
✢
So maybe I forgot about the dinner with Nicolas. So maybe I went about my day normally; working out, getting shitty coffee from the bodega, rotting in bed until 3, in which I got ready for the premiere, and marinating on the couch some more until 7.
Actually, I lied, I didn't forget. I was just hoping he would show up a few minutes late and I'd be gone by the time he knocked on the door
I was going to claim I forgot and had a "mandatory work meeting" -- whatever the hell that meant -- so that the deal would still continue and I'd have a day off.
Except that wasn't the case. Instead, when I locked my door and turned to descend the stairs, Nicolas was already standing there in his work suit. Tie loosened and dangling around his neck and a takeout bag in hand I recognized to be from Takeda.
They had good sushi.
This all occurred at 6:57, mind you.
"You're going somewhere?" He questioned, though it sounded more like a statement, especially with his nonchalant tone.
I froze, preparing to reach into my bag for the taser I ordered 2 years ago; as if I left my house often.
"Well?"
Clutching my purse handle harder, I stepped slowly down the stairs. I already had a headache, I couldn't deal with him today. "I'm a busy girl in a busy world," I mumbled sarcastically.
My car was only near the end of the block, 3 houses down. It wouldn't take long to get in and ditch him.
Nicolas stepped to the side to let me pass. "Does your definition of 'busy' mean to sit at home for 2 weeks straight and leave for 20 minutes."
Ouch.
"It means being unable to make time for annoying fucks, have a good day."
Maybe Nicolas is stupid or socially inept, even more so than I am, because he only followed me as I walked.
"Where are you going, Simone?" This time more stern than before. He sounded like an upset father.
I side-eyed him as we walked in step down the block. The heels were already hurting my feet and I looked bloated from last night still.
"Movie premiere, Nico. Sorry to disappoint but it's not optional so maybe we can put a pause on this deal," The weather was bipolar in New York, I concluded. I was much too hot in this coat and the gloves were making my hands sweat.
If Nicolas wasn't trailing me, I probably would've turned around and left them at home.
"No dinner no deal," he shrugged casually as if I didn't just disclose that this wasn't an optional event for me.
"I literally cannot," I enunciated, gritting my teeth as we neared my car.
Another sigh, and this time it sounded like he was just taunting me. "How unfortunate for you, then. Such a shame, the bag was nice."
It's not a bag, it's a Birkin. I didn't say that.
"Nicolas," I spat, stopping my walk, and turned to face him. "I didn't know about this until this morning, it's not optional, fuck off for tonight and come back tomorrow."
"No."
"No?"
"A deal is a deal, Simone. You have my number, I would've come earlier if you just texted me."
I wanted to pound my fist into his face until his body fell backward and collided with the ground. I wanted to rip the clothes from his body and shove him into the gutter so he would compress into the shape of Flat Stanley and float down the sewer stream like a piece of cardboard.
"Guess you'll just have to be my plus one," I grumbled, turning back towards my car.
He smiled because that was his plan all along.
"I can drive," Nicolas offered as we neared my car. I was hoping that meant he could drive himself and we'd go separately, but that was obviously not the case.
We were stopped in front of my car, and his arm was outstretched in my direction. "You're batshit if you think I'm letting you drive my car."
Another smirk, and he sighed shifting his weight onto one foot. "Do you want to take my car?"
"Whatever."
I know I was acting like a dramatic child, especially with all the huffing and puffing and saying no just for the sake of saying no. But it was hard to be formal around Nicolas, I just lost my composure and resorted to being a grumpy piece of shit more than usual.
It's okay, I told myself. Just 12 more days and he'd be out of my life and I'd be one Birkin richer.
It was disappointing to find out that Nicolas was driving a dark grey Maserati MC20 RWD. It was undeniably a nice car but I was hoping he drove a shitty truck or something generically masculine that I could hate him even more for.
He circled the car, barely even paying attention to the cars passing in the road as he opened the passenger door. He reached inside to pull out a black suit jacket, then stood to the side to let me climb in as he adjusted the tie, cuffs, and lapels of the jacket.
"Do you have the address?" He asked once we were both in the car, the bag of takeout in the trunk up front.
"Yes," I replied.
I was going to send it to him, but instead, he held his phone out in front of me. "Type it in."
It was unlocked, and Nicolas was too focused pulling out of the parking spot to notice if I went to any other apps. Technically I could Venmo myself 450,000 dollars right now and just buy the bag myself, then I'd never have to see him again.
Or I could buy the bag with his phone and put my address as the delivery location.
Maybe I could prank call the police just because it's illegal and it would be traced back to his phone. Then he'd be apprehended and I'd still never have to see him again.
"Well?" Nico asked as we were now stopped at the end of the block at the stop sign.
I had taken too long to execute any of my plans. They probably wouldn't have worked anyway, how would I explain a confirmation email of a bank account transfer of nearly half a million?
Instead, I typed the location into navigation and handed it back to him, crossing my arms in defiance.
"What's the movie?" He asked after 10 minutes of silent driving.
I wish I knew. "It's a porno," I lied. "Like 365 days inspired."
Don't laugh don't laugh don't laugh don't laugh oh my God Simone grow up it isn't funny.
I inspected Nicolas carefully as I spoke, and it took everything in me to not smile when his grip on the steering wheel tightened dramatically and a red tint blossomed on his cheeks.
Blushing was weird, what a sad giveaway to your emotions. Thank God I was black, no man knows whether or not I'm interested because there is no obvious physical sign. It makes flirting that much more fun.
"What's it called?" He asked this time, his voice a pitch higher.
I sighed, waving my hand in a disregarding manner. "Inside Her or something artistic. It's supposed to be a big new thing."
From the little I retained from my agent, Kathy, it was sci-fi with not an ounce of romance.
Nicolas swallowed thickly, using his left hand to loosen the tie around his neck slightly as we drove. "And we have to watch it?"
"You're the one that wanted to come," I snorted, crossing my legs and turning so I was basically leaning on the console separating us. "Should I cover your eyes when there's an inappropriate part?" I cooed, biting my lower lip to hold back the mocking smile. It was ineffective.
"I'll be fine, thanks," what a bore.
I wasn't done with my tormenting and teasing, however. The more uncomfortable I saw him get the more tempted I was to annoy him. Forget insults, maybe taunting was the way to get under his skin. "What a freak. And look, you're blushing too! Maybe I can get you a copy of the movie so you can take it home."
"Simone?"
"Yes, Nico."
"Shut up."
"What's wrong? Yesterday I didn't talk enough and today I'm talking too much. You're never satisfied."
"Shut. Up."
"Don't kill the messenger," I murmured, twisting and staring out the window instead. "You're the one that asked."
We didn't talk for the rest of the ride.
✢
When I look at Mother and Mira together, their relationship makes sense. You don't have to know them or know of them to understand they are daughter and mom. Best friends since birth. The subtle ways Mira has adapted Mother's mannerisms and the way she articulates her words with extra care the same way Mother does.
The way Mira puts emphasis on certain syllables and draws out certain words the way Mother does.
Mira is her Mother's Daughter, yet she's also her father's Child.
She twists the rings on her finger when thinking the same way Father would do as he sat behind his office chair or in the living room as he watched HGTV.
When she smiles her lips tilt more on one side the same way Father's do, and her smile is gummy just like his as well.
Even now, as they stand only 10 feet away from me, I can see the wall separating us.
Mira and Mother stand closely together, both with tall postures and hands folded nicely together as they talk to whoever the fuck. They both look interested but I can tell they don't care, they've even mastered the same look together.
They look like a Mother and Daughter from a GAP magazine, too perfect and happy together for it to actually be true.
It makes me wonder why I'm never looked at like that.
Why I'm never congratulated and praised and hugged and endeared.
Why I'm never celebrated and awarded and told 'Everything is okay, you're okay, you're perfect and I could never ask for anything more.'
Why are my birthday cards empty aside from the printed words while Mira's had cursive scripture and paragraphs of hand-written expressions of love.
Why am I her child but not her daughter.
Not even questions anymore, because I know the answer doesn't exist, these are just reoccurring thoughts. I'm not even sure if I want more.
Thinking about a life where I'm loved as much as Mira makes me queasy now, it's not even a world I can process. I've gone so long without the same appreciation it's all I expect and want. I don't need her approval anymore. Desire and crave it? Yes, always.
But I've learned to function, in my own way, without Mother. Without Father. Without Mira.
I've begun to understand that Mother lived her life vicariously through Mira, and since she'd gotten her beautiful, successful, healthy child on her first try there was no reason for her to pretend to love me; the one with no hobbies, talents, or passions.
I reminded Mother too much of herself at her lowest point, and Mira reminded her of what she was at her peak.
It only made sense now, I wasn't their priority if I was just a display of all their failures.
10 feet away but miles are separating us. The more I stare as they interact the further away they get, it's like I'm watching them wallow away into a speckle in the distance and I can feel my mind begin to lose track of what's in front of me and what's not.
I blink a million times over, begging the scene to come back into focus, begging them to come back into my reach but they're just getting further.
I blink again and I realize Mother and Mira really are gone, and I don't know where they've gone and I don't know how long I was standing here and I don't know if I'm wavering or if it's just my vision as I try to place myself in time again.
I shake my head, but notice I was simply losing my mind because Mother and Mira never left, they just moved a few yards away to talk to someone else.
I seriously need to stop zoning out.
"What an exciting event," Nicolas is beside me now, but I can't comprehend how far, and I'm tempted to reach out and touch him, just to ground myself.
I want to ask if I've started levitating.
I want to ask if he knows anyone that has coke.
I want to ask if it would be inappropriate to take a line and disappear for another week.
I really did need a vacation, maybe to Paris for Christmas.
The movie premiere was intensely underwhelming and I think I fell asleep 10 minutes after it started. I remember trying not to fall asleep as the love interest was introduced, and I thought I was successful until Nicolas bumped my shoulder and the credits were rolling.
There was the red carpet and whatnot, which I posed for pictures for approximately 30 seconds before I wanted to hurl and leave.
I was scared people would actually care and I'd have to see a picture of myself online from bad angles that made my stomach more prominent.
3 people tried to interview me but I kept walking away, mostly in search of anyone familiar. A part of me was hoping Ella-Rose would magically appear, she thrived in these environments. I thought I'd spotted her but it was just some actor from the movie, I think her name was Rebecca.
Ruby, Rebecca, Rebah, I honestly forgot.
Maybe I'd get credited as the rudest up-and-coming star. At least people would remember me more easily. What's the difference between love and hate anyway?
Nicolas disappeared himself, up until now of course. I forgot the media somewhat cared about him, so when he was stopped for an interview, I took that as my opportunity to leave his side and we were apart for 30 minutes.
Best 30 minutes of my life.
I walked around, ignored interviewers, trailed Mother and Mira, and talked to my agent for a total of 1 minute before walking away.
Like most social events, floating in and out of groups and lots of people-watching. I concluded I was best dressed, however. At least I had that mood boost.
"Where were you?" I asked, not because I cared but because I didn't have anything else to say. It's easier to ask questions and pretend you're interested in the answers than stand there and try to bounce statements back and forth.
Nicolas's eyes were already on me as I glanced over, and it gave me chills so I looked away again. "Saw some people I knew," He said, not saying anymore.
For a split second, I wondered who those people were, and what they looked like. For a split second, I wondered about the gender of those 'people'.
"Interesting."
"Why?"
"I can't ask questions anymore?"
"Never said you couldn't."
I was getting irritated, but I couldn't tell why. Maybe it was just because Nicolas was near me, that was usually the case. But also being in his presence made me feel better, especially as I noticed Mother's eyes finally leave Mira's and drift between me and Nico.
Her eyes narrowed at me, and I noticed her nudge Mira and suddenly they were both staring.
There was an unspoken tension between us and it was a matter of who questioned who first.
I'd never been in a relationship before. Well, I'd been in 1. It lasted 2 months and I was so terribly bored and constantly annoyed by him that I ended up breaking it off.
I don't associate with those 60 days of hell anymore.
That's when I knew relationships weren't for me. The honeymoon phase would last a day before I'd immediately feel crowded and overwhelmed by my partner's sudden affection. The dream 'relationship' for me was someone who would leave me the hell alone and only talk to me when I wanted them to.
Since then I'd just done hookups and one-night stands every once in a blue moon if I found myself bored enough at a party Ella-Rose would drag me to.
My family had never even met or known about my one relationship because I didn't want Connor anywhere near my personal life. I'm not sure why we even dated, he knew essentially nothing about me but I knew a lot about him.
Because of this, in Mother's eyes, I'd never done anything romantic with anyone. Coming here was Nicolas without telling them, who I'm sure they recognized, only came off as a date.
I watched Mother shift her weight, and I could tell she was about to walk over here.
The second I saw her first foot move forward, I latched on to Nicolas's arm without thinking, wrapping my hand around his forearm and swirled to face him.
His expression was nothing but utter confusion, but I ignored it as I pressed up onto my toes and leaned in.
"Sim-," I cut him off by planting a kiss on his cheek.
I'd never been this close to Nicolas before.
Close enough to smell his cologne and shampoo: Close enough to see the blemishes on his skin and the slight bags under his eyes. Close enough to see the short eyebrow hairs that are beginning to regrow and stubble on his chin displaying that it was time to shave again.
It was relieving to see how plain and human he was up close.
A nice reminder that modern-day men aren't Gods, just jackasses.
I barely felt his cheek against my lips before I pulled away, and I wondered if I'd even kissed him at all. But the expression on his face was telltale enough to show that I had.
"Simone!" Fuck.
I gave Nicolas no reaction, just dropping his arm and turning to meet Mother's gaze. I'd apologize for that little intrusive of his space later.
"Mother."
"You didn't tell me or Kathy you brought a date!" She smiled harshly between the both of us. Upon seeing I had no intention of replying at all, she extended her hand towards Nicolas. "Nicolas Savice, is it?"
"Mrs. Edison," He nodded giving her a soft smile and shaking the witch's hand.
I noticed he made no move to correct Mother either. If he really hated me like he claimed, this was his chance to prove it. All he had to say was that we were just friends.
But he didn't.
And it didn't take a genius to figure out why.
It wasn't a secret to even myself that Nico thought I was attractive. Not in an egotistical or delusional way. In the way that he'd even tried to dance with me when he was far past drunk. And drunken acts are sober thoughts or whatever they say.
I just wondered if he acknowledged that attraction or was genuinely convinced he didn't like me at all.
A part of me still wondered if this nice-guy act was out of desperation and not attraction; I saw the way he'd look at the painting still.
I knew it meant more to him than he was letting on but I had yet to ask why and he had yet to tell me. I also didn't care, it was mine until I decided I didn't want it anymore.
And why would I ever decide that?
"So, how long have you two been... whatever this is?" Mother intercepted my train of thought.
I turned to look up at Nicolas, wanting to hear his answer more than Mother, probably. He looked down at me, the smile a little more strained now.
Cocking my eyebrow, I stared back, patting his arm softly, lovingly. "How long has it been, dear?"
A pink tint ignited on his cheeks again, and it only made me happier to see. Good. He wanted to tag along, I'd make sure he'd regret that idea of his.
Nicolas cleared his throat, glancing back at a noticeably tense Mother.
"A few months, Mon Cherie," He said, his voice low and strained. "We've been keeping it private, if you don't mind," This time he looked at Mother as he spoke.
Mother nodded once, her grin broadening. "Good, I'm glad. Private is good for you Simone. Being a model with a partner is never a good idea, it could limit your opportunities and popularity."
I knew what she was insinuating. That if we went public all the male and lesbian fans would be pissy that I no longer "belonged" to them; as if they ever had a chance. I think Mother was forgetting I had no fans. One shoot didn't change much, I was still essentially no one but a sister of someone.
"I understand," I replied, my voice even. "Anyways, this was a bore, we'll be leaving now."
"Mira and I were invited to a dinner after this, would you like to come?" It was a test. Mother was waiting for me to say no so she could confirm I was just as fucked up as I've always been.
She needed confirmation I wasn't getting better, she needed an excuse to continue looking down on me.
Thinking about it in this light made me realize how the biggest revenge I could ever offer Mother was recovery.
But that would be revenge against myself too, and not the bittersweet kind.
"Simone and I have dinner plans already," Nicolas interrupted, wrapping his arm around my waist. He didn't pull me in closer, and it was awkwardly stiff. But it was a gesture nonetheless.
Mother's smile dropped, and she tipped her head. "Then I'll see you... sometime."
I didn't say goodbye and she didn't wait for me to. Mother turned to meet with Mira, and I watched her whisper a few things to her before Nico stepped in my line of sight.
"We can talk about whatever the fuck that was at dinner," His face was serious, but I still couldn't help but notice how close in my personal space he still was.
I shrugged, not caring anymore. At least that gave me a reason to get the fuck out of here. My headache was growing again and maybe some food and water would serve me well.
"Gladly, Mon Cherie," I mocked, hardly knowing what that meant anyways
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AN
how could I NOTTTTTTTTTT use lana for this chapter's song.
this chapter was MADE for her song
her song was MADE for this chapter like
LIKEUHH
anyways I need to start developing Nicolas's "trauma" (I suppose 🙄) so maybe the next chapter will be more about him and then chapter 18 will be the lunch with delilah! let me know any thoughts!
I watched a review video on Colleen Hoover's books and the YouTuber was saying how Colleen doesn't develop her female characters usually to have any personality aside from loving the male interest and I lowkey feel like I'm doing that with Nicolas so I need to work on him
Please make sure to vote and comment <33
A Wattpad book with good comments is the best kind there are
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QOTD
The Weeknd or Chase Atlantic?