K E N Z I E
Sitting on the dining table after a very long time feels peculiar. The past two hours that I have been sitting here for has slipped by in complete silence, the emptiness of the house magnifying the anticipation of dad's soon-to-be arrival.
It's surprising; I didn't know I could sit still in one place for such an extended period without getting up. Not a wink of sleep has graced me either. It's just been a day filled with nothing but my own thoughts. I guess this is what grief feels like.
When I left from Nolan's with all of my belongings, he was nowhere to be seen. The boys who happened to be home tried talking to me but I didn't want to. Because I knew if I spoke a word to them, I'd burst out crying. Since then my phone's been blowing up with messages from them.
So much has happened in the past 24 hours, my mind is still struggling to comprehend it all. Most of me is thinking about mom, then the other half is thinking about Nolan and a quarter of it is on about mine and Kieran's conversation earlier. I tell myself how bad I feel for him but then the next second I start telling myself how fucking annoying he is for making me do what I did and then telling me what I've been wanting to hear for a while when it was too late.
I can't put what I'm feeling into any words at all, it's impossible to describe these emotions. It's something I've never ever felt and I want them to go away as soon as possible. I don't think I'll be able to continue with my life like usual until I stop these emotions getting to me.
This month but last year me would never believe everything that's happened to me so far.
Everything is shut out as soon as I hear the door unlock itself, automatically knowing who it is already. I've been so nervous to meet my dad because we haven't talked properly in weeks. And now I'm having to meet him after my mom dying. I'm not sure what to expect from the upcoming conversation. Are we going to argue like always? Is he going to force me to go with him? I don't know.
"Kenzie?" A voice I didn't realise I dread this much calls out.
"I'm here dad." My weak voice calls out.
"What are you doing here?" He comes into view, looking much different. He's grown a beard now, and seems incredibly tanned.
"Just sitting." I speak, showing no interest in his appearance. I did tell him I don't want him to come here but he didn't listen. "You here by yourself?" I ask, in hopes that he says yes.
"Yes. I didn't bring them with me because I know you don't like them. Last thing I want right now is to make your life more difficult." The pity in his face is so evident, I can read him so easily. He's not here because he actually gives a fuck, he just surprisingly feels bad. Even that shocks me.
"Dad. Why are you really here?" I look up at him and his facial expression softens in a way I haven't seen since I was a kid.
He pulls out a chair from the table, and takes a seat opposite me. "Because I know you need someone right now more than anything." The tone in his voice makes this all feel like a dream. I can't believe he's being this nice.
"I would've been fine without you." I hide the anger and sadness in my voice as I look down on my lap, refusing to make eye contact with the man who failed me as a child all the way till I was old enough to understand everything.
"I know that but I wanted to be here for you. Now tell me where is she?" He asks, referring to his ex wife.
"They've still got her at the hospital. I told them that we'd do what we have to do next when you're here." I tell him the truth, not looking forward to the next steps at all.
"Alright. We'll go first thing tomorrow morning," he slides backwards with the chair, creating distance between him and the table. "You seem tired. You should get some rest."
"Yeah you're right." I reply back, not wasting a second getting up and leaving him all alone in the room.
I'm not as prepared for a full conversation with him right now than I thought I was. I feel like it'll only drive me more crazy.
Entering my room, it's obvious that it's been left unattended for quite some time. I take a deliberate, slow seat on the bed, analysing the room's neglect.
I want nothing but more than all my thoughts to disappear. I want to go back to when everything was normal and not this fucked up. It's still feels unbelievable to me and I mean like how the hell did my life get so messed up overnight.
I place my head into my hands as I face down on the floor. My head starts to pound the second I close my eyes, making me relieve every single second of the past day.
An overwhelming wave of emotions leads to a much-needed release as I sob uncontrollably, burying my face in my hands. In this private moment, I allow myself to let it all out, knowing I couldn't bear to be seen like this by anyone. "Fuck," I mutter, the worry about my future beginning to seep in. No matter wherever I think of going after this, I don't see a happy me.
It's the difference in my life now that Nolan is gone too. Without him by my side when I need him most, the ache grows. And it's the fact that I'm well aware of that he's not going to forgive me anytime soon. If I was him I wouldn't either but the scene of seeing him kiss another girl keeps replaying in my head. Questions like 'how could he do that after so soon?' swirl in my mind.
As my head throbs and my vision blurs each time I try to focus, a profound sense of isolation sets in. There's no one I can confide in anymore. I've never felt this utterly alone, and it's all my fault. I want someone who knows me in and out to be with me, I only want comfort from that person but the ones who did are now both gone from my life. I'm never going to be able to see one, or talk with her again. And the other one hates me with everything he has in him.
My phone buzzes next to me and I take deep breath, trying to stop myself from crying so much.
Vanessa: Wtf is happening? I just came home and the boys told me you and Nolan r both acting super weird. There's a girl here right now???
I don't bother opening it or replying to it. I wonder what he's thinking right now. He's probably fucked that same girl by now while I'm sitting here drowning in my tears.
You've messed up big time, Kenzie.
A week later.
How's life going now? Life's slightly improved from last week, but really, I still feel unchanged. Everything around me remains the same; I've just become used to it. Having no love life anymore changes a lot but I'm going to have to live with it.
I've started school again and reconnecting with school friends felt good, yet I couldn't shake off the thoughts of the negative issues persisting in my mind.
My dad's still here. He hasn't left but he seems very different. When we went together to go see mom, I saw tears fall down his cheek. Something I've never seen. I was shocked to say the least but it still didn't change what I think of him as. Since then he's been acting odd.
Not odd in a bad way though. He's being very nice and I'm not used to seeing that side of him. I wonder if the passing of his ex-wife somehow affected him in a way he never thought it would. He also hasn't mentioned Janice and Nicole – the two things he usually talks about the most.
"Okay.. so you like other guys?" Chase asks Alex as we sit in the cafeteria during lunch. Everyone is present among us apart from a couple of the boys and Nolan who I haven't seen or heard from in a week.
"Kenzie, why is this little friend of yours so fucking stupid?" Alex turns to me and gives Chase his signature dirty look. "He's been asking me the same question for the past ten minutes."
"Leave him alone, Chase." I speak, trying to defend Alex while giggling at the same time.
"No no. I just don't understand. This entire time I thought you were straight because you don't look gay at all." He rambles on and on, urging me to exit out of their conversation asap.
I catch Max staring at me with a concern look in her eyes while sitting opposite me. I furrow my eyebrows in confusion, not understanding why she's doing that. "What?" I lightly laugh.
"You look really tired." She mouths instead of saying it out loud. She knows I'd be embarrassed if she said that in front of everyone on the table who all seem to be enjoying their conversations. Apart from Alex, of course because Chase continues annoying him with ridiculous questions.
"I'm good," I reply with a gentle smile, pressing my lips together. When I mustered the courage to share my mom's passing with Alex, Max, and Paige, they couldn't believe it, just like me. The conversation ended with all of us shedding tears—memories of their close bonds with her, especially Alex, who held a special place in her heart. I sensed they wanted to be angry at me for my absence from school and lack of communication, but they couldn't bring themselves to do so.
She put her thumbs up at me and engaged herself into the talk. "Wow. You've already earned a place in my heart." Kai chimes, while sitting on top of the actual table instead of a seat, looking down at Paige. Ooooh, I definitely ship but I don't know how'd she take in the truth about who these people really are. None of them have an idea.
"Why don't you show me through actions instead of words?" She winks at him and I get the sudden urge to interrupt their interaction.
"Alright enough. You guys should get a room." I put my hands out, and they both look at me smiling.
"We really should." Kai gleams his teeth through his cute smile as he looks at Paige with a certain adoration.
"Yes. Yes. Yes." She replies, taking in his hand in hers and they both walk off to god knows where. I hope they don't get caught having sex in one of the classroom.
"I wish Vanessa was here." Chase sulks, missing Nessa just as much as I am. It hits me when I realise I should talk to her about Kieran. They've all been asking me what's happened with me and Nolan but since he hasn't told any of them, I thought I shouldn't either. So this entire time, I've been saying 'I'm not ready to talk about it.' However I really should tell Nessa first since it all involves her brother and his past evil antics.
"Who's that?" Alex questions, not knowing who she is because this is one of their proper interactions ever. I wish they all met earlier but because I made school one of my last priorities, that wasn't possible.
"My beautiful girlfriend." Anyone who pays attention to Chase talking about Vanessa can instantly tell that he's madly in love with her.
"Really? How she look like? Does she think you're good looking?" Alex bombards Chase with multiple questions like he was doing the same earlier to Alex.
"You haven't said much." Sam calls Max out. It's true though, she hasn't said anything.
"Because I don't have anything to talk about." She glances at Sam with her usual deadpanned expression.
"Or you're just boring." He replies back.
"Kenzie. Why's he calling me boring?" Max diverts her attention to me straight away.
"Why do you guys keep asking me?" I shrug and get up from my seat, ready to leave them all together in the hall.
"Why are you getting up? You can't leave me here with them, they don't know when to shut their mouths." Max looks at me offended for even thinking about leaving her here.
"Hey! They're not that bad!" Alex turns to look at Max. Him and Chase seem to be getting along together since they're both laughing with each other.
"Get to know them. You'll love them! I have to go to the library anyway to print my homework." I sigh, mad that I have to end my lunch in the stupid library.
Max rolls her eyes at Sam who's staring at her smiling in a cheeky way.
I leave them all alone, exiting the lunch hall.
There's exactly seven minutes left until the bell rings for last period. I have to make this quick because if I'm even a minute late, I'll have to stay back after school for the 30 minute detention.
Walking absentmindedly through the deserted school corridors, while being on my phone, my body collides with another. The sensation I can already feel after making contact with this person is more than enough to let me know who it is. Terrified to look up and make eye contact with him, I do it nonetheless. Maybe we can talk right now and I can convince him to hear me out. This entire time I've been too scared to reach out to him but clearly the universe wants us to sort this out. Why else would I bump into him out of all people?
The moment our encounter unfolds, my heart races in an instant. It's incredible how he consistently evokes this specific sensation of butterflies fluttering not just in my stomach but throughout my entire body.
Neither of us says a word. And looking into his eyes, it doesn't take me long to figure out that he's still angry. I can see the hatred he has for me within those eyes I'm so madly in love with.
He clenches his jaw and I'm guessing that the last thing he wanted to do was bump into me.
"Can we talk?" I finally break the silence between us, scared of what's going to be his response. It looks as if he doing his best to not scream at me.
His reaction is one of pure disgust, evident in the way he glares down at me—an expression I've never witnessed directed at anyone. It's the same hate he reserves for his dad, and the mere thought of it hurts me deeply. It's worsening my feelings about myself and the entire situation.
"Never." Is what leaves his mouth and he takes no more than a second to walk away from me. Forever. That's what it feels like to see him walking further and further away from me.
Tears start brimming in my eyes, so close to falling down my cheek. That small interaction between us just made my heart break into a million pieces again. There's never going to be an us again.
-
Hello guys. Question: what is your guys opinion on this super cold hearted Nolan? Do you guys agree with the way he's acting or no?
Also I know Paige Max and Alex have appeared into the story out of nowhere but I felt like it'd be odd if they just completely disappeared from the story and never came back so I thought I'd add them real quick in a chapter along with the boys. Even though it was my bad for not adding them in the past 20 chapter but oh well.
It's too late to change so many things about this story that I disagree with but hopefully one day, I'll be able to turn this into something I love which don't get me wrong, I already do but I'm not happy with all of it. There's few changes I'd love to make but that would mean I'd have to change too much. Don't got the energy for that but one day I will.
Anyway thanks for reading n take care :0
-s