From one sunset to another, I'm sitting on the shoreline with Nate. We've finished a lesson and I'm exhausted. The sky is different from Matt's yacht, cooler like the water has been. Soft pinks and grays. Almost like sunrise.
Nate skims his hand over the sand, digging up a piece of blue sea glass. "Still can't believe you wanted to come here on a Sunday. I thought weekends were a no-go for lessons."
"Just needed to get out of the house."
"That's not like you." He holds the glass to his eye, squinting to look at me. "Why so blue?"
I scrunch my nose. "I think there's something wrong with me."
He lowers his blue filter. "Why would you think that?"
"Because it's true. I think there's multiple things wrong with me, actually. I can't surf yet. There's one."
Nate smiles, flipping the glass between his fingers like he's doing a coin trick. "Remember your first lesson? You didn't even want to get in the water, and look at you now. Standing, riding—"
"Falling."
"Learning," he corrects. "Considering your... low athletic ability, you're on the right track. Patience, my young Padawan."
"Such a surf nerd."
He laughs, watching the glass. "So what else is wrong with you? The answer's nothing, but I'm curious about your illogical thought process."
I train my gaze on a woman jogging with her golden retriever. "Matt wants me to go to New York with him."
"New York?"
"Yeah, over winter break. For this charity gala thing."
"What's that got to do with something being wrong with you?"
I wasn't certain if I'd talk to Nate about this, but I've spoken to him about Matt before. He's spoken to me about Alex. Talking about our relationships to each other stopped being awkward a long time ago. Rachel's party is a distant memory at this point.
"This trip wouldn't just be a trip," I say, brushing sand off my wetsuit. "It's a big step, you know? He wants me to go all the way with him... to New York."
Nate blinks, the glass coming to a stop between his fingers. "Oh. Do you want to go all the way with him... to New York?"
I pick up a strand of damp hair and start a stress-braid. "I don't know. But I should. I mean, every girl in Oceanview would jump at the opportunity to go with him."
"Alex wouldn't," he says thoughtfully, cocking his head. "Or Clara, or any girl who isn't into preppy football players."
"Fine. Most girls," I sigh. "Most girls would jump, and I don't know why I'm not. The fact that I'm struggling means there's something wrong with me. It's not fair to him."
"Whoa, wait, you—" He stops, narrowing his eyes. "We're talking about sex, right?"
"Yes, Nathan."
"Just making sure," he counters. "And you should be sure, too. There's a reason you're struggling, Lia, but the reason isn't that there's something wrong with you."
"So what's the reason?"
He wavers, averting his eyes. "It might be as simple as you not being ready. There doesn't have to be some deep thing behind it. If you're not sure yet, then don't go. Just wait until you're sure."
"What if I'm never sure?"
"You will be." He looks at me again. "My first time was shitty, you know that. I wasn't sure, I couldn't be when I was so out of it. But with Alex, it hit me like a truck. When you've been unsure about something for a long time, clarity hits you so damn hard it's impossible to miss. I swear you'll know, Lia."
I breathe in the salty air, finishing my braid. "If only it was as simple as those notes everyone passed around in middle school. The ones with a question and you just checked yes or no in the boxes. I know I'm indecisive, but those always seemed easy."
"I mean, questions like 'movie on Friday?' are a tad simpler than 'sex in New York?'."
I bite back a smile. The weight of my thoughts never fully leave me, but Nate lightens the load. He lightens everything he touches. Even the sea glass in his hand. He's rubbing it with his thumb, polishing the faded blue.
"What's happening with you and Alex?" I ask, pulling my knees up. "You haven't been hanging out at school."
The side of his mouth tics. "Yeah, it's been a little rough since Halloween. She wanted us to try again. Fought with me about it, flipped between sad and pissed. Now she's just pissed."
I think about our confrontation in the parking lot. The glitter. I have to wonder if I've been a topic in their fights.
"You know, I never thought you'd do it. End it with her," I admit.
"Honestly, neither did I."
"Do you regret it at all?"
He's watching the horizon, the gray light dulling his eyes. "I miss her sometimes. The good parts of us. But no, I think we'd totally destroy each other if we stayed together any longer. More than we already had. We were just... beyond repair. I never thanked you for getting me to see that."
"You already knew it, though."
"And I ignored it. I feel like I was so desperate to make it work again."
"Well, when it was good, you guys had something special. And real. Not wanting to let that go isn't desperate, Nate. It's human nature."
"And we humans are desperate creatures, aren't we?" he says, smiling. "Stupid, emotional, desperate creatures."
"Uh-huh. And it can be crappy, and annoying, and incredible. Head versus heart, heart versus head. Conflicting forever."
"I hate it. I wish I was a dog."
"A dog?" I laugh.
"Yeah, imagine," he says, gesturing to a chocolate Labrador trotting in the water. "Chilling all day, fetching sticks, sleeping and eating. No problems. That's the life."
"Sounds pretty good. Although Clara has a theory that you were a dolphin in a past life."
He gives me a bemused look.
"They surf, duh."
"Right!" He grins. "Okay, I can imagine that, too. Being a dolphin, surfing all day. Swimming around the oceans of the world. I guess they have to keep an eye out for sharks getting them, but I dunno, I have a feeling I might be able to deal with that."
My giggle dies in my throat when my stomach awakens with squirmy whale sounds. Nate smirks, holding up his piece of glass and sitting on his knees. In the freshly wet canvas of sand, he writes something, handing me the glass when he's done.
I lean forward and see a simple 'Shelly's?' with two square boxes drawn under, labelled 'yes' and 'no'. I run the edge of the smooth glass through the sand and check the yes box.
Halfway back to the parking lot, with my stomach giving sporadic rumblings, Alex and Clara come into view. Clara is trailing behind her, almost stumbling to catch up with her pace. Alex has her sight set on me, so intently that I stop walking. Like if I don't then she's going to crash right into me.
"Hey, what are you guys—"
"I want my wetsuit back," Alex cuts off Nate, not giving him a speck of acknowledgment. Demanding eyes on me.
"What? I don't have—"
"You're wearing my wetsuit. I want it back, please and thank you." She holds out her hand, and I glance at Clara giving me an apologetic look.
I feel my skin burning up. "I didn't know it was yours."
"You think he just has girls wetsuits lying around?"
"I did," Nate interjects. "You left it at my house and you said Lia could have it because you've already got a thousand others."
"I changed my mind," she pushes out.
"Okay, well, I'm sorry. I didn't know," I say, my voice coming out far too soft. "I was on my way to go and change anyway, so—"
"I'm not waiting around for you."
"Alex."
She ignores Nate again, snapping her fingers at me. He helps me unzip when my hands fumble under Alex's stare. I peel it off, instantly feeling the cold exposure of my bikini no one was meant to see. She eyes my body and snatches the wetsuit from me, marching away.
"Sorry about that," Clara says through a frown. "She's not in the best headspace right now."
"Wonder why," Nate mutters.
Clara gives us a weak smile and turns to catch up with the raging storm that is Alex.
"Pissed is an understatement, huh?" I say, hugging my chest.
"You're telling me. I figured she'd want stuff back in the breakup, but I never thought she'd be petty enough to extend that to a wetsuit she doesn't even need. I'll get you another one, though. Don't worry."
"It's fine. Probably time I buy my own one, anyway. I should have enough saved."
I look at him when he doesn't respond. His eyes are fixed on my leg.
"What's that from?" He points to the fresh bruise.
"Oh, um... you know me." I start walking to the parking lot again. "Can barely stand on a flat surface, right?"
He catches my shoulder. "Those look like finger marks. Did someone do that to you?"
"It's not a big deal." I brush his hand away, pacing over the sand.
"If someone did that to you then it's a big fucking deal, Lia."
I keep walking. He calls my name again. "It was an accident," I say as lightly as I can.
Nate swoops in front of me, a towering wall blocking my path. "An accident by who? Your stepdad?"
"God, no."
I can almost hear it click, like those huge echoing locks on ancient castle doors. "So Matt brings up sex, you tell him you're not sure, and you end up with a fucking bruise on your leg? Am I getting that right?"
"No, you're not." I feel my face pinch. He doesn't need to know that Matt's jealously about these very surf lessons is what prompted this. "It had nothing to do with New York. And it was an accident. He just didn't realize his own strength, that's it. Okay?"
He's looking at me with so much concern I can see it flowing out of every pore. His eyes drop to my leg again, his mouth set in a hard line.
"Nate." I hold his arms, urging him. "I promise, it's fine. I'd tell you if it was actually serious."
He meets my eyes. "Would you?"
"Yes, I would, but it wasn't."
"Are you sure? Because people do shit and act like—"
"I'm sure, Nate." I hook my arm through his, dragging his brick of a body across the beach. "There's nothing to worry about."
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a/n: best believe nate can spot a 🚩 when he sees one
remember to tap the star before you go!