Intro:
After A Curse For True Love was written by FatedPrinceOfHearts. It is a Once Upon A Broken Heart fanfiction featuring Jacks and Evangeline. It follows Jacks and his internal conflict as he goes through physical changes that could cause him to lose himself. However, at the core is Jacks and Evangeline's relationship and how they tackle their conflicts together.
~~~
Detailed Feedback
What Worked:
I would have never guessed English wasn't your first language if you hadn't said anything in the info chapter. Your grammar and spelling are very good to the point where I have no grammar or spelling suggestions, which is extremely rare. I didn't notice any major consistent errors or anything crazy like that, so you should be proud of yourself!
Even though I'm not familiar with the fandom and wasn't entirely sure what was going on (in the sense that I didn't know the context), I understood the emotions. There were some nice, touching scenes that were very impactful despite how I didn't know the characters. For example, the end of chapter 2 with Jacks repeating "I know that" in a whisper was super touching and showed me a lot about his character.
The writing is very good throughout. You don't go over-the-top with your vocab, but you also don't use too simple of terms either. You have a great balance that attracted me to what you were writing. Your writing style was very satisfying and it felt like it fit the style of story you were writing. I enjoyed reading it.
The conversations between Jacks and Evangeline are my favorite part of the story. The way they handle problems and speak to one another was addicting to read. It's impressive because even though I know nothing about the fandom like I mentioned before, I could still connect with these characters. That takes talent to make people care about characters from a fandom they don't know anything about.
I was invested in their relationship and not only in their relationship but them as individuals. I thought Jacks was absolutely unhinged but in the best way possible, and I liked how Evangeline stood her ground but firmly loved him at the same time. They both have such clear traits that make me believe their relationship. It's written very well and in a way where I can see this happening in real life despite the fantastical elements the book has.
The plot is solid. I don't think I'm qualified to say if there are any plot holes since I don't know the OUABH world, but as a reader, I didn't notice anything wrong with the plot or anything that confused me. I have one minor critique for the pacing I'll mention later, but I otherwise thought the pacing was good and the plot moved along at a steady pace that didn't feel like it was too much or too little.
Overall, I found myself very surprised at just how much I enjoyed this. Sometimes when you don't know the fandom of something, it can be hard to get invested, but you captured my attention immediately and wrote in a way where I was able to understand both Jacks and Evangeline's emotions, and I was able to follow the plot, too. All in all, it was a great read!
~~~
What Didn't Work:
I have a couple suggestions regarding the presentation of the story.
There is some repetitive word choice, but also some very good word choice, so it's not a huge deal that there were some words that were repeated frequently. The word choice is overall good, however some words like "looked" were used very often.
There are many synonyms you can use for "looked," like "peered," "glanced," "peeked," "stared," "gazed," etc. I would recommend considering using them in place of "looked" and looking (no pun intended) for more synonyms that you feel can fit your story. Those are just a couple of examples of words you can use, so I encourage you to play around and experiment with your writing!
Similarly, some phrases are repeated often, like "took a few steps away." That's not a big deal, but it is something I thought I'd bring to your attention regardless. It didn't detract from my enjoyment of the story in any way.
You do a good job describing things, but there were a couple environments I would have liked to seen described a bit more, especially since I'm not in the fandom, but it's good to describe things even for the people who are.
For example, the Wolf Hall in chapter 3. There is some description, but it seems like a very important place, so I would recommend fleshing it out a tad more. Even if people know what it looks like, it's still a good idea to describe the environments to help readers immerse themselves in the scene.
While on the topic, there were some areas I felt you could slow down. I like the overall length of the story and I'm not recommending you lengthen it by a lot, but just some small tweaks. Like the description I mentioned, I'm really only saying add a couple more sentences, maybe a paragraph or two depending on how you feel.
But anyway, what I was going to say about the pacing was the ending of chapter 3 when Jacks holds a dagger to Honora's throat. I felt that moment could have been slowed down a bit since before I even understood something had went wrong, Jacks had a knife to Honora's throat.
I thought that scene was good, but I would recommend slowing that part down so we could see Jacks realize something went wrong. We got him widening his eyes and then he immediately held a dagger to Honora's throat. So maybe just one or two transition sentences to smoothly take us to that moment could have benefitted the audience. Maybe just one more sentence revealing his shock, is what I mean. That way the dagger doesn't feel like it happens too fast, if that makes sense.
~~~
Summary:
- Great grammar/spelling
- Very impactful emotions
- I became attached to Jacks and Evangeline despite not knowing the fandom
- The writing style is addictive
- Consider using certain words/phrases like "looked" less often
- Consider describing environments more
- Consider slowing down in some areas
~~~
Overall:
After A Curse For True Love is a fanfic based on the YA novel Once Upon A Broken Heart; however, I still enjoyed it despite not being part of the fandom. The writing is very good and there are intense emotional scenes that will make you want to read the original source material. If you're someone who enjoys a good character-driven story, then I strongly recommend After A Curse For True Love!
~~~
Thank you for submitting your story. Please let me know if you have any questions or would like any additional reviews!