"Lacy, oh, Lacy, it's like you're out to get me,
You poison every little thing that I do."
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
NADIA'S POV:
Today is the day. Today is the day where I see the doctor who said he could have some answers for me. Today is the day where all of this could finally be coming to an end.
I can hopefully be me again.
My mum woke me up from my sleep, which she seems to have a habit of doing lately, and she helped me to get out of bed and dressed as my limbs decided to freeze up this morning, which I think has something to do with my nerves for today.
I have no idea at all how this will go so I am just winging it, silently hoping for the best outcome possible. I thought I was out of hope but my parents and Willem trust this doctor so I will put my very last bit of trust into them about him.
"Are you ready?" I ask my drowned out reflection.
I release a breath once I have gained enough confidence to leave my room and make an exit, with nerves filling every crevice of my body. I make my way to where everyone is in the living room and they all turn to look at me, stopping their conversation when I walk in the room.
"How are you feeling?" My dad questions me, walking towards me with a sandwich for me to eat.
"Fine." I lie and he smiles in response, obviously believing me. Willem however looks at me with raised eyebrows, seeing through my lie and I shake my head at him, not wanting him to question me about it.
"Shall we get going then?" Mum asks and I sigh, putting my coat on as the January chill is looming about outside.
"Yeah," I mutter, walking to the front door and everyone else begins to follow and I look towards my dad and brother. "What are you two doing?"
"We are coming with you." Willem confirms and I feel my chest tighten slightly in anxiety.
"No, you're not." I warn them and they stay unbothered, standing their ground.
"Yes we are," My brother insists, putting his own coat on now. "You need all the support you can get today."
The way my brother says this makes me feel as though he thinks that the outcome of this appointment won't be a good one. Maybe they all feel like this, which is why my mum isn't arguing with them for wanting to tag along. I wouldn't mind having their support but sometimes there needs to be something I need to do alone. I don't think I will be able to handle having them all there, looking at me with expectant eyes as they wait for me to tell them what the diagnosis is, if I even get one.
Thinking about it now, I don't have any hope left about getting an answer. If there were any answers out there for what was going on with me then I would have them already and if the problem actually existed, I wouldn't be told that it's all in my head.
"Yeah, come then," I sigh, not wanting them to at all. "Just hurry up because I don't want to be late."
"Shotgun." Willem announces and I groan, not in the mood to play today, but I see the effort he made to try and lift up my spirits, even though he is still pissed at me.
I make my way to the backseat, not caring about not being in the front as my parents car has a lot of space in the back, and I connect my phone to the bluetooth first, putting on my calming playlist in an attempt to reduce the amount of anxiety flowing through me.
I stare out the window, thinking to myself the whole drive and everyone else stays silent as well, it's like they know that if they say a word I will break down.
Going to the doctors when you have something wrong with you that cannot be explained is hard.
It's like everything you love most in your house is on fire, and you're standing there with the fire department trying to figure out the root of where it came from. I can't just tell them it comes from everywhere because then they can never find out how to put it out. So instead, I have to watch everything burn as they tell me nothing can be done to help me and the place I call home.
And by the time the appointment is done, my whole body will be engulfed in flames as the pain and exhaustion consumes me.
We walk into the building, which is nothing fancy and looks sketchy more than anything, and I feel a weird sense of calm.
At this point, I feel as though I have truly given up with finding answers so If I go into this appointment expecting nothing then I won't be disappointed when I come out with zero answers.
I take a seat in the waiting room with Willem as my parents check me in with the receptionist and I feel my phone vibrate.
C: Good luck today, I'm thinking about you.
I smile when I read it because I haven't heard from him in a while and I'm shocked he even remembered that I was even coming here today. I heart reacted to the message because I don't want Willem to somehow see that I'm still talking to Corey and I also don't know what to say to him. I haven't spoken to Corey since he came round on new years and I've been missing him.
I don't want to be the first to reach out to him because I don't even know if he still wants to be with me due to Willem finding out. I would understand if he didn't because if Archie was uncomfortable with someone I was with then I would respect what my best friend thinks and put him first, much like Corey is doing with Willem.
We were selfish for too long and this is where it needs to end and we both know that so there is nothing left to say to him.
Willem shifts next to me and I look towards him and notice that he is staring at my phone, obviously having seen the message from Corey. I sigh, putting my phone back into my pocket as I want to pretend I ever got that message.
"It's nice he remembered." Willem comments, sounding displeased.
"You should talk to him." I tell him and he laughs slightly.
"I don't think I want to." He returns in a harsh tone.
"He's your best friend," I remind him and he makes a face of disgust. "You forgave me."
"I forgave you because you're my sister."
I sigh, wanting nothing more than for Willem and Corey to be friends again as I don't want this to be another thing that I have managed to ruin somehow.
"I just don't want you to be mad at him forever." I speak quietly, as in a reception really isn't the place to be having this sort of conversation.
"Stop interfering, Nadia," He snaps at me, using my full name instead of the nickname he gives me so that is my sign to shut up. "Look, I'm sorry I just am stressed about the whole situation with you two."
"I know, I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault," He states, as if it is anyone else's fault but mine.
Willem can tell I am shocked by what he said so he continues on in a hushed voice so no one else can hear, "I'm not mad that you two are wanting to be together."
"I'm sorry we kept it from you." I apologise, putting my hand on his knee to emphasise my apology.
"I'm mad as hell at that too but that's also not the main reason."
"Then what is it?" I query.
"I'm mad that he took advantage of you." He replies, sounding sincere.
I'm taken aback by this comment as it is clear that Willem knows nothing. I can see why he would think that but he doesn't know what Corey and I are like when we are together. He doesn't realise the true extent of how much Corey has helped me and been there for me during these harrowing times.
He doesn't understand our relationship full stop and he didn't take the effort to understand it because his first reaction was to see red and get mad at us but it's understandable why he did.
"You two were perfectly normal before you got sick. You became vulnerable as soon as you lost Archie and then the rest of your life came crashing down. You lost skating, your boyfriend and your best friend and you also have all this illness shit going on," He pauses and takes a deep breath. "He took the moment you were at your weakest and used that against you. That is why I'm mad."
"Is that seriously what you think?" I ask him in shock but he doesn't get a chance to reply as our parents walk back in with a man in a suit next to them.
Willem rushes to stand up and I stay seated, not wanting to overexert myself more than I need to, as the conversation I've just had was pretty exhausting in itself. I'm quite annoyed that they chose this moment to come as I would've liked to hear Willem's response to my question so that I could've told him that he is so utterly wrong.
"You must be Nadia." The unfamiliar man says as an introduction.
"Yes." I confirm, staying unmoving. I don't want to make it look like I am too eager to see this specialist because then he might think I am faking it to get a diagnosis of this fake illness.
How can he prove something that can't be seen or explained?
"Would you like to come with me?" He asks me, stretching his hand out to the double doors behind him.
I look around to my family who were nice enough to take time out of their day by coming with me today and take in the expression on each of their faces. My mum looks alert and a small smile on her face, as if she knows what the answer already is, or it is a smile of worry and she is trying her hardest to reassure me that everything will be okay. With the way my father has a frown on his face, visible by the crease between his eyebrows, then it is probably the latter. My brother looks his usual self and I wouldn't be able to sense any anxiety radiating off him if it wasn't for the blood coming slightly out of his lip due to him biting it.
The way they are all acting is worrying me, but I will do what I usually do and put on a brave face, so no one will truly know how I'm feeling.
Once I've finished taking in their faces, I nod my head towards the doctor and get up to follow him, it being much easier to move today as my body feels less like stone.
The doctor holds the door open for me and I walk through, taking a seat in the overly large desk room and notice that my parents have made their way in as well, spinking some unknown emotion inside of me and whatever it is doesn't feel good.
I don't know why Willem didn't come in as well, maybe it's because he knows that I need my privacy as I could possibly be about to find out some information that will change my life forever. I look at my brother and he nods subtly at me, understanding my look before I even have to tell him, so I look towards my loving parents and tell them, "I think this is something that I need to do alone."
"Oh, of course, sweet." My dad pushes out and both my parents' faces turn to shock.
Both of them come up to where I'm sitting and just as I think they are about to disrespect my boundaries, they give me a kiss on the side of my head and leave the room as they tell me they love me. I look at my brother as the doctor closes the door and he mouths, "I love you."
My heart swells because I haven't heard these words from Willem in a while and I hope he can one day forgive me but it's also nice to know that no matter what happens between us, he will never not be a good brother to me, making me feel guilty about being with Corey all over again.
Everything is done and dusted with Corey anyway so I need to stop letting him and the guilt of being with him cloud my mind and focus on this appointment no matter how hard it may be. I think that my mind keeps drifting elsewhere because I want to distract myself from what's happening in front of me.
"Well I can certainly see you have a good support system." He comments after he shuts the door and takes a seat on his side of the desk.
"It wasn't always like that." I admit, picking my fingernails on my lap.
"So, Nadia, explain to me what's been happening and why your parents booked me in to see you." He asks me and I rack my brain trying to find the words to explain everything.
"Didn't they already explain this to you?" I question, not meaning to sound as rude as I did but the lights in here are too bright, it's distracting.
"They did," He confirms. "But I want to hear it from your perspective."
I sigh, not wanting to explain everything as talking is exhausting and speaking about this kind of reminds me of how bad life actually is so it hurts. I hope I can talk about it without crying, I will seem weak if I cry, or he will just take one look at me and think I am depressed like everyone else I've seen.
"I don't know where to start." I state as there is too much that has happened recently to understand where it all stemmed from.
"Your parents told me you're a figure skater," He replies, taking his pen out so he can make notes in his book. "How about you start with that?"
I nod and I go into detail about my history of skating and how much I wanted to be a professional in the olympics. I go into detail about how my brother is on the ice hockey team alongside his best friend, who also happens to be someone I'm in love with. I don't know why I am saying all of this to a doctor as it isn't really relevant but it feels nice to finally be able to get something off my chest that I can speak to with someone who doesn't have a biassed opinion.
"And when did you stop skating?" He asks, taking a sip of his coffee and I almost ask if I can have one as this appointment is taking it out of me but I'm reminded that caffeine doesn't seem to do anything.
"There wasn't really a specific moment, it just kind of happened," I start, going through all the memories of skating I have recently. "There have been times recently where I have gone back to the rink just to skate, even after I stopped training. If I had to pinpoint a moment it stopped fully for me was when I was upset a few months ago and ran off to the rink to skate. It was void of other people in my mind and I felt like the only girl in the world."
"And then?" He pushes me to continue.
"And then it all came crashing down on me," I admit and tears start coming out of my eyes at this. "I was unsteady on my feet the whole time I was skating and I wasn't even really skating. I slipped and fell flat on my arse and that's when I realised," I pause again before continuing. "I just sat there shouting at my legs, as if shouting at them would make them work properly."
I feel a smile coming as I remember the memories after this one and wipe my eyes, trying to get rid of my previous emotions as if they were never there.
"What are you smiling about? Surely that isn't a good memory." The doctor states and I look at his name badge on his desk and finally notice that his name is Dr. Soya.
"Are you a doctor or a therapist? I'm slightly confused here." I ask because this conversation seems to be stirring towards my mental state more than my physical. My parents promised that this man had nothing to do with psychology before bringing me here so if I found out they have lied, I will know that they have given up on believing me.
I knew that this moment would come.
"Just stick to the conversation." Doctor Soya tells me and it focuses my mind back, putting the other issues to the back of my head.
"It's not a good memory," I stop and he widens his eyes at me for me to continue. "The happy memory was when Corey came."
"Corey...the brother's best mate, right?"
"That's right," I confirm. "He picked me up off my feet and guided me along the ice, helping me skate. He was basically a human equivalent of a skating penguin."
"And why did you stop skating?" He asks and I narrow my eyes at him because he already knows why. "I want to hear it from you, remember."
I go into detail with him about how my health has been recently. How I started with tonsillitis, which went on for months and I had to take several courses of antibiotics for it. I explain that my symptoms were confusing because what I was experiencing didn't just boil down to tonsillitis. I tell him that I waited months to get my tonsils removed, only for the surgery to not change anything and only calm the pain in my throat, which seemed to have spread to everywhere else in my body before being cured.
"And what are your symptoms on a typical day to day basis?" He questions me and I go through everything in my brain, trying to find the courage to say it all.
"Well, what symptoms would you say I have just by looking at me now? " I ask him, wanting to know if I really could look this sick to someone viewing me from the outside.
"I would say that at most you are really tired as your eyes are droopy and heavy." He informs me and usually I would be offended that someone said this to me but now I'm glad to have some sort of validation, even though sleepiness is the only thing I experience that you can even see on the outside.
I decide to go through the main symptoms I experience and one at a time to give him a chance to write it all down, "Right now I am obviously very tired, like you said but I also have that everyday, it's so hard to even move my body enough to get out of bed sometimes. I feel exhausted no matter how much rest I have, I can sleep for fourteen hours straight and still not be able to move because of fatigue."
"I can't seem to recover from things very quickly, for example when I used to be forced to go into college, or out to a party with my best friend then I would get straight into bed when I came back but I would stay there for days or even weeks after too. I would be so exhausted and my body would be burning with pain all over, even my fingertips and toes would hurt. Even coming to this appointment will put me in that situation.
"Does it seem to be mental activity as well as physical?" He interrupts me to ask and I nod, causing him to write something else down.
"My concentration and memory suck. I want to do something with all the time I have when I'm at home but I can't. I try to read, but I can't take in any of the words, they all form into a blur in the middle of the page and when I can concentrate enough on what I'm reading then I will forget the line I have just read when I reach the one under it."
"You seem to have no issue concentrating or remembering things now." He says, sounding condescending.
"Because this is my life now, it's a routine that I want to forget but physically can't. I'm concentrating because I want answers. I want to know what to do to get better." I raise my voice slightly as I don't like how he just spoke to me. I let my emotions get the better of me again but this time I'm not sorry for it.
Doctor Soya smiles slightly at my reaction and I can tell that it's because he's proud of me for standing my ground and not because he likes to see me wound up, I use this as motivation to carry on talking, "Basically, my whole body is shit. I have constant headaches, sore muscles and I feel dizzy and sick if I stand for too long. I have a sore throat, even though I had my tonsils removed to fry and fix that problem. Granted my throat isn't that bad anymore, it still stings to talk sometimes."
He points towards the glass of water in front of us, a silent indication for me to have a drink and I take him up on that offer as my throat is really dry and my head is starting to cramp at the front and sides.
"Is that all?" He asks me and I shake my head.
"No, it's not but we will be here for hours if I tell you everything I experience everyday but you get the surface of it."
"Okay, it does all sound very familiar indeed," He ponders over his notes in front of him. "I have your tests here in front of me as well."
"And?" I ask nervously, picking at my nails again.
"And I think I have an answer for you."
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───