"all i can do to keep you safe
is hold you close, hold you close,
'til you can breathe on your own."
- Keeping Your Head Up, Birdy.
☾
In the light of the new morning, I slip out of my bed and gingerly make my way to the lounge room, trying to ignore my quickening heartbeat.
I'm pleased to discover James is still here, and looking peaceful in sleep.
I tip toe into the bathroom and get ready for the day with joyful anticipation. I don't remember the last time I looked forward to a weekend this much.
When I come back out, James is up and about.
"Good morning." I greet him as I move to the kitchen.
"Good morning."
"Did you sleep okay?" I ask, grabbing a banana from the nearly empty fruit bowl on my kitchen counter.
James nods.
"I'm glad. Do you like bananas?"
He nods again.
"Great." I throw him the last banana and he catches it effortlessly. "This is all I have left, right now. Gotta duck out to the store and stock up on food. Do you wanna come with or wait here?"
"I'll come with."
"Okay." I say with a smile. "When we get back, I'll grab Bear."
Half an hour later, we're walking the aisles of the grocery store.
James follows me silently at first, while I gather my fruit and veg for the week. His face fixed with that scowl of his, as he dodges other shoppers.
Then at the first sign of my slightest struggle with the basket, he's taking it from my grasp. I smile at him gratefully, and thank him. His demeanour turns almost shy as he smiles back.
Cute.
I grab a few more items for the week ahead, like bread and pasta, before grabbing another basket.
"Okay, now it's time for snacks." I say over my shoulder, looking at James with a grin.
I fill the basket with microwave popcorn, potato chips, m&m's, mixed nuts, cheese, dip and crackers.
We get through the checkout and James carries all the bags to my car.
Then, when we return home, he carries all the bags up to my apartment. Only, now that we were out of the public eye, he carries them all with ease in his vibranium hand.
I let him inside to dump the bags, then slip across the hall to unlock my neighbours apartment, where I'm greeted by one excited dog.
"Hey buddy, come on." I say and Bear trots out ahead of me, heading straight for my apartment. I grab his leash, lock the door and follow him back to mine.
Bear marches straight into the kitchen to investigate the stranger in my home.
I shut my front door and let out a chuckle, as James looks down at the dog, watching it circle his legs.
"This is Bear." I say. The fluffy dog wags his tail while audibly sniffing James up and down. "And Bear, this is Bucky." I say in a cheery voice, which earns me a look from James.
Bear looks up at him, panting away, tail still wagging. James puts his right hand out and Bear gives it a quick smell, before licking it all over.
I chuckle again as I pass by them and start putting away my groceries.
James squats down and starts giving Bear some head scratches. Then he stands back up, washes his hands and helps me with the groceries.
After that we have some toast, James smothering his with peanut butter. When we're done, I show him my record collection.
I have a few oldies, or what I consider oldies. Some Abba, The Beatles and Jimi Hendrix. James is already somewhat familiar with The Beatles, so I put on some Hendrix. And our day of discovery and catching up begins.
We start with the important, yet boring, politics. I tell him what I can and we google and read through the rest.
Then we delve into a fascinating discussion on literature.
After that, I set up my Nintendo Wii and show him how to play some Wii Sports. Once he gets the hang of it, he starts to crack a few genuine smiles.
Goodness gracious, it's a gorgeous sight.
And then he's letting out laughter, and be still my heart, it's a sound straight from heaven.
When we're done playing, my face hurts from smiling so much, and I feel like I'm sporting a six pack from all the laughing.
I switch the record player over to some Abba and he doesn't seem to hate it.
Just before lunch, I put on a batch of oatmeal raisin cookies.
"I read somewhere that these were popular back in the 30's and 40's. I hope you like them." I say as I take them out of the oven and I'm blessed with another gorgeous smile.
We have some lunch, then take Bear for a walk. When we get back, we start a movie.
"Did you ever watch Citizen Kane?" I ask.
"No. I wanted to but, you know, that little thing called World War ll.."
"Oh yeah, that.. Well, better late than never."
I bring out the cheese, dip, crackers, the bag of mixed nuts and the oatmeal cookies, then hit play.
It's such a good film for its time.
When it's over, we're both keen for another.
"Okay, this is one of Alfred Hitchcock's most famous films. It was released in 1960. The actor Anthony Perkins is fantastic." I inform him while I pop Psycho into the DVD player. "After this, we're moving to coloured films."
Another movie down and it's dinner time.
I connect my phone to my speaker, via Bluetooth, and open Spotify.
We cook spaghetti bolognaise for dinner, listening to a playlist I made of artists from the forties. Starting with some of the Billie Holiday songs that Bucky missed after the war. Including one of my favourites; In My Solitude.
The sounds of Bing Crosby, Fred Astaire, Peggy Lee and Glenn Miller fill my apartment while we cook and dine. And then it's time to for the next movie.
Picking films for someone who hasn't watched movies for seventy years, is a difficult task. Near impossible. Where does one even start?
I somehow settle on Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone and am definitely not mad with my choice.
I'm relieved that Bucky enjoys it.
Later, when it's time for sleep, Bucky decides he's going to try sleeping on the couch tonight and I support and encourage his decision, before bidding him goodnight.
Just as well he's decided on the couch, because Bear takes up residency on the floor where Bucky has previously slept.
☾
"So.. How was it?" I ask Bucky, while I butter my toast.
"..Not as uncomfortable as I've found it in the past."
I smile warmly at him, pleased with Bucky's progress of moving his sleeping from floor to couch.
Bear sits beside him while we eat breakfast, grumbling and snapping, as he waits impatiently for some peanut butter.
Bucky swipes his finger across his toast, scooping up excess spread and holds it down for Bear to lick.
"He's a good dog." Bucky comments, watching Bear lick his finger clean.
"Yeah, he is." I reply with a smile. "He lived with me during the blip. His owner was dusted, so I took him in."
Bucky raises his eyes to meet mine. "Your neighbour was dusted, too? You really were alone, huh?"
I give him a sad smile.
"You ever talk to anybody about it?"
I shake my head.
"Not even your sister? Your friends?" he questions.
"A little.. but just surface stuff. I mostly keep it to myself."
"Why?"
"They don't need to hear it." I answer.
"Doctors really do make the worst patients." Bucky says and I breathe out a laugh. "You spend your time helping everybody else, but who helps you?"
"My sister and my friends help me."
"But you don't talk to them about it?"
"They help me just by being here. Their presence is more than enough."
"Okay. But you said what makes it easier for people to move through each day is having someone they can confide in."
I feel my face soften at his words. "You remember that?"
"I remember everything you say." Bucky states.
I smile shyly and look down at my plate.
"So, it was just you and Bear, for the whole five years?" he asks, after a moment.
"I had my best friend's brother, Daniel, too. He came down looking for Jules, but all he found was me. It got pretty crazy around here in the beginning, and Dan's a cop, so he stayed with me until a new normal fell upon the world." I explain. "Everyone slowly went back to work. I got fully booked. With half the population missing, everyone that was left wanted someone to turn to. Majority of my clients had the same problems, so I ended up doing group sessions." I continue. Bucky maintains eye contact, hanging on every word. "I may have been leading those sessions, but I was just as much a client myself. And it helped. It was nice, talking with other people who knew how I felt. Which is another reason why I don't need to talk about it to my sister and friends."
It's quiet for a moment, while Bucky absorbs my words. Until Bear starts grumbling at him again.
I laugh at the sook. "Aww, is Bucky not giving you enough attention?"
Bucky laughs and finally pulls his eyes from me to look back at the dog. He reaches down giving Bear some neck scratches.
Our day goes by quite similar to yesterday.
We listen to some more music. Today, Bucky's interested in what I like to listen to.
Afterwards, I try to get him more familiar with YouTube, apps, memes and things like that. He knows the basics of the majority, so I answer any questions and give him explanations when he asks for them.
I also help him set up a Netflix account, so he can watch whatever movies he likes when he's at home.
Then it's time for lunch.
Next, we watch the Hobbit film, since Bucky read the book way back when it was first released.
We take Bear on a walk again and then we watch two more Harry Potter films.
But all good things must come to an end.
My neighbour returns and collects Bear. Bucky and I have dinner, and then it's time for him to go home.
I almost want to tell him to just stay again, since I'll be seeing him in the morning.
"I'll see you tomorrow." he says, standing outside my door.
"See you tomorrow." I reply with a chuckle.
"Thank you. This has been great, I appreciate it." Bucky says, sincerely. "I had a nice time."
"So did I."
"Have a good night." he says, taking slow steps away.
"You too, Bucky." I smile.
Then he turns away and makes his exit.
I shut my door and lock it, then turn around and face my quiet, empty apartment.
This weekend, I've been reminded what it's like to have someone's close company.
And now, for the first time in a while.. I no longer wish to be alone.