Youll know when to play it...
15/08/19
1 Year Later....
Matilda
Maybe it's just me but waking up to hear the sound of birds brings a sense of longing comfort that I have been searching for. Ever since the boys had decided to go their separate ways and start their own story Harry's been growing in the industry and seeing him get excited over how fast it's happening makes my heart full.
Maybe he didn't believe it before but he does now. He's grown a fanbase that makes him feel special as all I've heard from him is him humming tunes for projects that he won't tell me about. I see him gazing lost in thought yet all you can see is the clock's ticking in his brain coming up with many ideas that I know he has written down in the notebook that I got for him for his birthday that had just gone.
We've both grown together and knowing that if we looked back and saw how we were a year ago I know we would not even recognize us. This was our love story and yet it hasn't been perfect but nothing is and nothing will be. I've learned that it's life but I can't just seem to think that everything happens for a reason. Maybe it was fate that we both met each other again, maybe it was fate of us being broken together.
Growing up and hearing about the fairytales of princesses being saved and everything then being perfect but what you come to learn in life is nothing is perfect. Me and Harry started out as two broken souls that got each other in many ways that nobody ever could get us. Maybe it was supposed to happen that me and Harry didn't meet properly until that day in the library.
We've grown into strong people. Harry's growing in fame and I'm being the supportive girlfriend at the side that has been busy with writing a script that's turning into a movie. Therapy helped in many ways I wasn't expecting and days are becoming lighter and Harry has been there since day one. I'm finally happy and to say that makes me proud of myself. I finally got to the point in my life where I'm happy where I am and it all took time.
Everything and everyone has been amazing. I worked up the courage to tell my family that I made that I relapsed on my self-harm and ever since I'm 601 days free and I've never been more proud of myself. Although there were times that I craved the rush yet now it mellowed into something but a distant memory showing how strong I was.
The main point is that it's my birthday today and that means 20 years of feeling like a failure but 1 year of feeling belonged.
The day has been restful with Harry staring it off with an early morning rise with kisses being pecked into my skin leading to a round of many orgasms. There was then breakfast in bed and gift swapping and although I told him not to get me anything as I've got everything I need he had to buy me a necklace with a small butterfly meaning many things to me. We were going to wait until after his show to perform new songs but he insisted we did it then.
So that takes us to now. I'm dressed into a black short dress with nothing but sparkles covering it, pairing it with black heels and natural makeup. Everytime I watch Harry perform I'm always stuck in the memory of what life could have been. Like what if I never met Harry again after the roof? What if I never moved down to London in the first place? Would I be happy? Life changed and I could not imagine anything more perfect than the sight in front of me.
Finding my seat in the room centre at the stage but registering that the crowd is looking up and cheering. What for I don't know but I wave back with a polite smile.
"Hey birthday girl" Zayn shouts, making me look back and smile from the constant support he's given Harry no matter what and to be quite honest I don't think I would know what to do without him.
Abby and Zayn got back together which wasn't surprising with the way I could see the connection building again and both me and Harry are nothing but happy for them both. I could tell Harry was happy for them both as the look of nothing but emotion was written all over him. That's when he explained that they both drifted away from each other when Emily had passed.
"Thank you" I say embracing him in a hug.
"Oh darling, you look beautiful!" Anne hypes, making the smile glow from my cheeks. My bond with Anne became more of a motherly figure that I always had wished for within my life and nothing but happiness fills me when thinking of her. She's everything I could ask for and it's just a shame I got the love from someone else rather than my own mother.
"Thank you Anne" I whisper, making tears build.
"Harry is going to lose his mind when he sees you. Happy birthday love, I hope you have had the best day ever cause you deserve it so much" She whispers in my ear, making me do nothing but take in the comfort that she's giving me.
"I really appreciate everything you do for me, you really are like a second mum" I say when we pull back making us both look into each other's teary eyes from the conversation.
"Oh stop it, I just gave you what I gave anyone else '' She mutters but placing a kiss to my forehead makes a tear escape and run down my cheek but she catches it before anyone could notice. "Now enjoy your night because you only turn 21 once." I nod as we all fall into our own conversations before the lights turn off and screams fill the surroundings.
My boy
The beginning of Golden begins to play making the atmosphere into an environment of kindness and judgement free. It's the part of the show you can really feel. The amount of love he has in one room can make my heart burst.
Then comes Only Angel making me blush throughout the song as I stood next to his mum. He jumps around on the stage like something else making me smile, life something else. He occasionally looks up and smirks knowing what he's doing. I love him but sometimes he can be a pain in my ass.
"Hi my name is Harry and it's an absolute pleasure to play in this room tonight. I cannot believe the amount of people here it's really nerve wrecking" He laughs into the microphone making everyone just scream. Yeah me too people me too.
"We are going to play some new ones and some old ones but first this is a very special show for someone in the crowd so let's make it special for her!" He smiles up at me pointing while he's talking. Oh he's in for it as long as he doesn't get the crowd to sing happy birthday to me then he's in the good books.
"Let's goo" He brings in Lights up making me zone out and reflect on the last 23 years. Do you know who you are? Maybe I do, maybe I don't but I know this is the place I belong.
The song continues before playing another two songs and everything goes quiet. People around me bring up their torches making me wonder what's happening.
"I just want to thank you all for tonight you have been amazing. You create the most amazing atmosphere and nothing will compare to the love you create in one room. This means so much to me as I never thought it could happen to someone like me. So please could you raise your torches for this next song" He coughs lightly getting rid of the emotion written deep in his voice making me smile softly at him as he looks up with emotion written in his eyes.
He then plays Don't Let Me Go then comes back to the crowd and interacts with them.
"Okay we all know what time it is and I know she's going to kill me once we get off the stage but oh well." He laughs, making me cover my face. He did not. "Now let's all join me in singing happy birthday to my wonderful girlfriend Matilda." He laughs as he looks up to see my horrified facial expression.
"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you happy birthday dear baby happy birthday to you" He sings through the microphone while everyone shouts it making me feel goosebumps from the surroundings. "Happy birthday baby" He mutters before jumping into the last song of kiwi but I leave meeting him in his dressing room as he mentioned going somewhere.
This night is nothing compared to any birthday I've had before and I've had him to thank him all for it.
....
As time fades into dust as we stumble towards the familiar direction of the roof. It makes me smile at the memory of us meeting for the first time, making nothing but butterflies finding their way through my stomach. That night was a lot but Harry finding me was the night fate was meant to be. I was meant to live no matter how much I tried to disagree with myself.
"What are you smiling at?" He asks making me squeeze his hand that was conjoined with mine.
"The fact the first time we met was you saving my life" He sends me a small smile.
"And that night I found myself thinking about finding you as soon as you left" He mutters to me as we get to the door of the roof where our story started.
Walking up the many steps in comfortable silence with the only sound being heard was our footsteps. Peace washed over me as we reach the top, making me breathe in a breath from the flashback of the many moments we spent up here together.
"I have something I want to show you before we have the picnic" He guides me with my hips, making me gasp from the small setup. A red cover spread on the floor of the roof with 2 pillows to sit on while there's candles lit giving us a small amount of light with a wicker basket at the side.
"Oh Harry! How did you do all this?" I ask, gaping in shock. This is not what I was expecting.
"That was the least of your worries. '' He preses a kiss to my cheek, making me smile from the romantic gesture.
"How cute" I laugh as he guides me to the seat.
"I'm not cute, handsomely pretty maybe but never cute" He whispers, squeezing my shoulder. The sound of traffic below gives me the sense of comfort but as Harry nervously shifts around in his seat shows me that whatever he planned is bothering him.
"Hey baby you okay?" I ask him making him look up.
"Yeah, now I know you said you wanted nothing for your birthday and I got you that butterfly chain that sit perfectly on your neck but I made something and I'm thinking of releasing it but it's your song and I never want to release it without you knowing" He rambles making me smile.
"Okay" I smile comfortably watching him set up the guitar that I had seen laid down at the side of him.
"one two three.." The soft cords begin to play, making me smile from the emotion that runs through.
"You were riding your bike to the sound of "It's No Big Deal"
And you're trying to lift off the ground on those old two wheels
Nothing about the way that you were treated ever seemed especially alarming 'til now
So you tie up your hair and you smile like it's no big deal" His voice slowly sings the words making tears in my eyes from the sound of the emotion he shows. I always thought his songs were personal but he never tells me the story but this one is self explanatory.
It's my story.
"You can let it go,
You can throw a party full of everyone you know,
And not invite your family, 'cause they never showed you love,
You don't have to be sorry for leaving and growing up, mmh, " Maybe I should never have felt the guilt of leaving home but knowing I made my family here as my other wasn't family makes me feel different.
I never thought I'd have this, a boyfriend, a family that I chose and who loves me deeply and yet a motherly figure that was better than my own biological one. Moving here changed me for the best. It was filled with opportunities that I needed and it found me and guided me in the right direction.
"Matilda, you talk of the pain like it's all alright,
But I know that you feel like a piece of you's dead inside,
You showed me a power that is strong enough to bring sun to the darkest days,
It's none of my business, but it's just been on my mind" tears begin to slide down my face from the truth and vulnerability of his words. They hit too close to home and maybe just maybe it was supposed to be.
He was right. I talked of the pain like it was nothing and it wasn't affecting me as bad as it did and has done mentally and physically. He brought back the dead piece of me that I thought would always be broken and I can't thank him enough for it. I gave too much of my kindness away to people who didn't need it and yet it only came and bit me in the ass like a bitch.
"You're just in time, make your tea and your toast,
You framed all your posters and dyed your clothes, ooh,
You don't have to go
You don't have to go home
Oh, there's a long way to go
I don't believe that time will change your mind
In other words
I know they won't hurt you anymore as long as you can let them go" I sniffle as the emotion breaks through his voice showing me how much vulnerability he put into the words making it sound nothing but perfect. I could never have described it as perfectly as he's doing but I guess that's who he is. He put feelings into songs and they hit hard like a wall that had just been forced onto you.
I don't have to go home and no matter how much I feel guilty for it, nothing will topoff the life I have made here. I hurt many people in the process but I needed a fresh start. I dyed my clothes and framed my posters as a fresh start. Time didn't change my mind but having my sister down here is the one thing that made everything feel right.
"You can let it go
You can throw a party full of everyone you know
You can start a family who will always show you love
You don't have to be sorry for doing it on your own" He repeats the chorus making me feel nothing but understanment. He understands me in many way shape or form that I don't and I don't know how he dose it.
My mind flashes through moments of the past two years make me wonder what life would be like if I never moved to London. I would have had none of this that I have made around me that made mee feel accepted. I would still be standing on eggshells waiting for something to go wrong but now I accept it and fight it like I always do. I'm stronger than before and no matter what life throws at me I will fight it. I have a reason to belong and to be needed. I'm wanted and that fills me with warmth.
"You don't have to be sorry, no" Maybe not but the guilt will always be there.
He places the guitar down next to him before I jump into his comfort. I love him, I love his so much. It's like a balloon that's ready to pop.
"What do you think?" His voice shakes making me suck in a breathe.
"Its perfect" I lift my head out of his chest and placing my hands on his jaw making him look at me. He leans down connecting our lips into a kiss. The kiss is passionate and slow making it feel different as butterflies swarm into my stomach.
"Take my hand pretty girl and let's dance into the moonlight." He mumbles making us get up but he holds his hand out to help me.
"Such a gentleman" I whisper as he places his hands on my waist as we slowly glided to the rhythm of a song that he played on his phone after he sung.
"You still think I am a murder that is planning your death or knicking your identity to frame you for murder?" I smile with nothing but reminiscence.
"Hum maybe it's still possible but this time just you've got my heart." He smiles placing his head on my forehead.
This is my story to tell and the world will know it sooner or later. This is where I'm meant to be and I would never change it for anything else.
I'm Matilda and I have survived the darkness that consumed my mind.
....
Okay so um I did it?
The end
Lottie <3
PS: Happy birthday Harry you gave me so much and i hope you have had an amazing day!