It was so strange the bubble which we lived in East Texas, nestled behind the Piney Woods curtain. Everything we did, worked towards, or hoped for was for somewhere else beyond these Pines. At least that was our understanding of greatness. Yet, we were contained here, almost suspended in our own little universe. It was often so surreal that it took a great tragedy to shake everyone out of it and help us realize it was real. Even the bad parts. I never could quite grasp something going that wrong. How it happened on their watch, who was responsible, and worse when it was an accident or random tip of the hat.
There wasn't room for that kind of thing in a small town. It always reminded me of a book I read in elementary school about two boys on bikes that go down to the river, and one drowns. I mean really dies. I always remember that feeling of having to flip several pages back to make sure I didn't miss something. I couldn't comprehend that someone would let that happen, not just the boy who survived, but the world or the author or whatever. What was the benefit of learning from this type of tragedy... the fact that they happen? Or, maybe, don't go swimming where you're not supposed to if you're not good at it? Even then the lesson felt daunting.
As a child I couldn't think past what a waste it was and how severe the consequence. The entire honesty and integrity part was lost on me, maybe because the kid who drowned was lost forever in that book. Pretty shitty and permanent lesson if you asked me. I would never knock the brilliant piece of literature it was meant to be... just the way it made me feel. It haunted me. I suppose that was the point.
Years later, when something tragic or too real happened in Pure Pines, I had to remember flipping back through those pages to confirm it did in fact happen. I felt I flipped the pages back to double check when Adeline Morgan was thrown to the wolves in a scandal and called out for being a lesbian, in a school that pretended they didn't exist, so she was forced to get noticed in some other way.
I flipped back the pages when I saw Robyn with Spencer Pearce in the bathroom at the Tomlin party, and again when she told me people knew but didn't care. I felt I had to flip the pages back after Adrian kissed me the way I didn't know anyone could, and then chose someone else, but I didn't do it. Metaphorically speaking, I didn't let myself flip back to confirm it was real. My heart crumbling to pieces was evidence enough.
However, when Lynn called me that sunny day in May and told me the news... about Adrian. He'd spent an extensive day training for track hitting some of his hardest intervals yet and was a success at each one. Beating his time over and over again when Coach Bartlett had him go one last time. There's never been someone more prepared to compete. Reagan and Lynn were beyond excited for him, and I had to confess, I couldn't be prouder he had stuck it to the bastard football coach. Only, on his final sprint of practice he leaped towards the finish and stopped abruptly, excited to see how many seconds he shaved off.
It was one moment, one stupid wrong footing that abruptly halted his body weight forcing all the strength and momentum from his sprint to come down on his knee. It popped. He collapsed on the track and his ACL had completely snapped in two. I had to flip the pages back in my mind to confirm that one was real.
My heart sank to my stomach, and I hid my watering eyes from both Lynn and Reagan when they came and picked me up that day. We all headed to Reagan's to mourn our friend's crushed dream, and the irony that made the whole incident sting more. We knew Lynn would need to go check on him as soon as the initial shock wore off and all had been handled, but we weren't certain when he would want to see anyone past that.
I gathered, with all the turmoil and conflict going on in his mind, not to mention the physical pain he was in, I was the last person he would want to see. I stayed away.
*****************
It was officially the start of summer, not that school had gotten the memo. We had a week and a half left and two more final exams to take before I could leave this institution behind for one I thrived in.
Last May my mother dropped me off at the city pool in the town over from ours where I spent my first summer as a lifeguard. More like paid my dues as a rookie guard up in the early AM for the worst swim lesson slot of teaching four-year-olds afraid of the water. The seven-hour shift that followed in the Texas heat rotating from the deep end to the shallow, was only completed by working the pm pool parties the senior guards didn't want... and I loved every minute of it!
This year, this May fading into June through our last few days of class, I would be a returning guard at the Prairie City Pool. It was a feeling of social status I could never imagine within the walls of Pure Pines High School where hierarchy and merit were mandatory but relative to the powers that be. For one who wasn't that into summer, I had to admit I had a pretty stellar gig. It may have been the one thing I got right.
My grandad had taken me swimming everyday of summer since I could walk. There wasn't a sunny day at the Pure Pine's pool that hadn't been attacked by my bare feet racing to the deep end. Later, that time at our small community pool turned into swim team practice at the larger city pool in Prairie, the town I was getting ready to drive to. It was our initial guard meeting of the summer. Yes, I said drive.
My grandad was working on site for the next three days and would be riding with his work buddy Mr. Young. That meant his beautiful brand new, shiny, black F150 truck would be just sitting in the driveway next to my grandmother's minivan. Although I had the unfortunate pleasure of borrowing her vehicle on occasion, I was certain this moment warranted the truck.
My grandad had been a recreational swimmer in every pond or watering hole Pure Pines had to offer his boyhood. It was fair to suggest he was proud of me, and what all those years of mom dragging me off for competitive swim had led to. The smell of sunscreen and tanning oil was in the air, and I was ready for the only part of summer I loved.
Maybe I needed it, this distraction so big it got my head out of the haunting halls of AP classes and the constant judgment that roamed them. It was a distraction from any unfulfilled moment that lingered, or intrusive thought that reminded me of the last time I saw Adrian.
I had spent the past month looking for him down every hallway even though I knew he was home with his knee injury. Still, the chamber without him was a torture of its own. Maybe even worse than the torture his very presence inflicted on me. It was evocative to look down the hallway between classes every time a bell rang, anticipating a glance from the only person that could provide that rush. I was frankly exhausted of it.
My grandmother wasn't home yet. Thank God that meant the grey minivan was not an available option. Just as I suspected my granddad had left the keys to his prize possession on the end of the bar in the den. They were sitting on an envelope he had written a note on.
"Be careful. Back roads in the daylight, interstate at dark on your way back. Don't go anywhere else. Your Grandma will be home shortly if you need to call in, and I will see you tonight. Have a good first day. Love, grandaddy.
I tossed my books, grabbed the keys, and raced out to the truck. I drove three houses down to my house to get ready. Mom was away of course, but most of my summer stuff was in my bedroom closet. I pulled a small gift sac out of my bag that had a shirt from Reagan on loan, and flew inside to try it on.
I had a pair of cutoffs from my favorite jeans Mom had cut and shagged exactly the way one would want them. I didn't have the heart to tell her they were a bit snug at the time she did them for me, and she wasn't around enough to notice I hadn't sported them. This summer, I had high hopes of squeezing into them.
I knew I had lost inches, but I still worried about my stomach. If the shorts were too tight, they could pinch my skin or worse give me a fat roll hanging over which would absolutely defeat the purpose. This would ruin the midriff debut Reagan had no doubt planned for me. It was risky to promise her she could dress me for my walk into the lion's den of new and returning guards and as well as the rookies that would be under me.
Every year we got a few college lifeguards from the campus at the Jr. College in Prairie. It was a big basketball school and even though there was a pool on campus, the Prairie City Pool was much larger and ran by the who's who of the city. This meant the city lifeguards were protected from most speeding tickets and the head guards were paid handsomely compared to the campus pool.
It was a right of passage for anyone on the Prairie City Swim Team who could pass the guard test and make it into the summer draft of returning guards. A few rookies from Prairie High School were promised a slot due to politics, and the coveted head guard positions usually went to the college guys. Lane and I were the only two from Pure Pines. We had been on the swim team in Prairie since we were in jr. high.
There was that. Lane. He was the one attachment to Pure Pines that kept me from completely going off the rails as a different person, not that I would be entirely capable of that. He was just a fraction of judgment that kept me on my toes throughout the summer, but for the most part he was easy going, had his own agenda, and didn't torment me or get in my business at the pool.
When we were younger, I relied on the fact that I had a buddy from school on the team with me. Sort of a familiar friend to be in the trenches with. Once we got through the tough part of our rookie year, I didn't need him as much. The older we got, I think I wanted to separate myself from the world we came from.
We had both worked too hard all those summers not to recognize the value of what WE got to do away from the jurisdiction of what settled beneath that ridiculous water tower with the blonde horse painted across it. Even though he was Adrian's debate partner, we had a remote understanding, and I never worried that he would tell some crazy summer gossip or out me if I got in trouble with our pool manager for some ridiculous reason.
Okay, this was in fact the top I suspected Reagan would send me, but was it shorter or less material than I remembered? JEBUS! I couldn't wear that! What was I thinking?! Even if the cutoffs fit, I hadn't shown my belly like that ever. Was it flat enough? Was I tan enough?... okay, I was definitely tan enough thanks again to Reagan.
That was the thing about having a friend you know so well who equally knows you. There was no way Reagan would pack up something too scandalous or even as scandalous as she wanted, because she knew I wouldn't wear it if it was too terrible. She wasn't there to force me, so logic had to prevail in her wardrobe choice for me.
Reagan was already halfway down the interstate in the opposite direction heading to Marshall with her mom. She had forced Reagan to work some event she had. This usually meant her mother wanted to show her off. Like most of us, that never had a moment of down time, Reagan had even less. Looking back, that should have explained some of the stunts she pulled.
Reagan knew this guard meeting was important to me. It was the first time I was going to be able to order a two piece. I think her choice of wardrobe was meant to keep me brave and honest so I wouldn't chicken out.
She was brilliant and thoughtful that way, a way she often didn't get credit for. She's the kind of encouraging comrade that put that shirt in there thinking that even if I were a coward, they may just assume I wanted a two piece from the outfit I had on and order it for me anyway. That would be the ultimate compliment after all she and I had been through with weight issues. We didn't talk about it much, but we each knew when we were struggling. I was the kid whose mom put a can of frozen Slim Fast in her lunch box in fourth grade.
It took up to jr. high to live that one down. Reagan had one fat phase where she was chunky for one year. Since that moment she had doubled up on her mom's thyroid meds or found a way to borrow someone's ADD medication when she could. Anything to suppress the apatite. Our freshman year she taught me little tricks like how to privately chew what you wanted to eat and spit it out before you swallowed.
Certainly none of this made the mentally and physically healthy list, but I would be a liar if I didn't cop to it... that or the fact that Pure Pines had gotten so stressful at times, that I had relied on a few of our antics to keep me from going off the rails with gaining weight. Believe it or not, those ridiculous damaging tools felt like our only agency or control over our growing changing bodies under the watchful eye of Pure Pine's perfection seekers.
Cutoff jean shorts, check! They fit better than expected. Maybe I had grown half an inch. I looked taller. I left the mirror to check the time. I had plenty of time. "Take it easy, you'll be an hour and a half early at this rate. Show a little restraint." I shut down talking to myself in my mom's empty house. It was one thing to be abnormally anxious, but I couldn't add going completely insane to the list. I dug through the bottom of my closet for the right shoes.
I had to go low key the rest of the way, so I didn't look like I was trying too hard or "dressing up." I didn't want wedge sandals or anything strappy. It was like fishing through a river of adolescent memories. There were so many clothes, shoes, and costumes from jr. high and freshman year when my mom was home more, and we stayed there more regularly. It was strange to see the reality of the situation that way, but I couldn't think about that.
I redirected and went back to Reagan's shirt I'd laid out on my bed. It looked like there was more in the bag it came from. I shook it out over my bed to find a black lace push up bra and the second note from a loved one I'd received in one day! Pinned to the ridiculous bra, a yellow Post-it read, "Bitch, I don't pretend to know what size you trap and hide those massive tatas in, but it's time you let the world know you have them. Just wear it. It will give you confidence. It's the gun in your handbag today. Don't leave home without it... you can take the padding out through the little slits on the sides. That's our compromise, now put it on!"
A giddy smile rose across my face that frankly surprised me. I took the padding out immediately and tried it on. It fit, and so did the shirt. An old pair of white Keds in the corner of my room caught my eye. They must have been from some twirling contest sophomore year. They were perfectly broken in, yet still clean and white.
I slipped my bare feet in them without untying the little laces and walked to the mirror. Perfect. I was sporting some serious Jennifer Grey from Dirty Dancing vibes, but I didn't mind it at all. This came together way better than I anticipated, and I was getting excited to walk into the lion's den known as the guard room.
The curls in my hair from early this morning had fallen a bit. They looked relaxed like I had slept on them or just unraveled them from an updo. I liked it looking a bit unkempt and less obvious. Messy curls.
I don't know if the feeling of absolute freedom was due to no parental figures hovering over me at either residence, or the anticipation of the summer I was about to embark on with the black truck outside to take me there. Maybe it was my midriff showing for the first time in public. Either way it was exhilarating, and a chance to break free of the mind trap I'd been in with Adrian the last nine months.
I poked my head out of the bathroom when I thought I heard my mom's home phone ringing from the kitchen. At first, I let it ring out. Then I worried it could be my grandmother checking on me if she saw the truck in the drive on her way home. I ran to answer it. "Hello?"
"Finally! Where the Hell have you been?!" It was Reagan.
"Calm down, I'm wearing it already!"
"No, that's not why I tracked you down. Man, it took me FOREVER to get ahold of you! I couldn't get anyone at your grandparents' house before I left home. Luckily, I remembered your mom's home phone when I got here. I've got to hurry, I'm in the back on a kitchen phone and my mom's already sent six people to come find me. Look, I need you to bring Adrian the calculous notes and his assignment."
"What?! No way! Can't Lynn run it by?"
"You weren't leaving this second where you?"
"No. I –
"Listen carefully. I did leave the notes for him with Lynn after school, but she got called into work, so she left them in a notebook on the porch."
"So let Samuel or his stepmom or somebody walk over and get them."
"You don't understand. I forgot his assignment from Mrs. Keagan. We have our final tomorrow! Lynn and I won't even get to study much less walk him through it. He just needs the notes, and then his one-page assignment on Mrs. Keagan's desk has the equations she wants him to look at for the exam. That's it. It's that simple. She's there right now in tutorials. She'll be there until five. You don't have to leave until 6:30 and you'll still be more than on time. Can you please just go do it?"
"You want me to go back to school and get Adrian's assignment from Mrs. Keagan, then drive to his house, run up to Lynn's front porch and grab the notebook... then go over to Adrian's house to drop off the notebook and the assignment?"
"Yeah, you got it. Bye!"
"Wait, does he even know I'm coming?!! Is Mrs. Keagan expecting me? Reagan!!!! I didn't say I'd do it!" The dial tone responded for her, mocking me and confirming that I had in fact agreed to this according to Reagan's demand.
I rolled my eyes, grabbed my keys, and headed out. The freedom feeling had dissipated, and a heavy weight cemented itself to my chest as I drove past the water tower and saw the high school rising to meet me. I wasn't angry. I had time to do it. We were all friends. This is what we did for each other. Well, Reagan and Lynn and I were friends, and Reagan and Lynn and Adrian were friends, but I didn't know what we were.
I parked in the back by the old band hall and slipped in the side double doors toward the math hall. It was remarkably quiet as I approached Mrs. Keagan's room. I peeked through the door and saw a few students hard at work. One was in my trig class and I'm certain had scored better on our last quiz than I had. Yikes.
It's funny the things you allow yourself to slide on. Math had always been the sacrifice in my case. I just didn't take to it the way I had my other advanced classes. It didn't bother me to have one major subject I didn't excel in. I wished I shared their enthusiasm and study sessions for calculus, but college level trig and analyt was where I drew the line. And, it was a fuzzy line capable of lowering my GPA significantly.
"Did you change your mind?" Mrs. Keagan's voice was sharp and clear, and although it was a fair question, I could decipher a hint of sarcasm in it.
"No, sorry, I probably should have, though." I gave her a half smile as I sheepishly ducked into the room. She looked my outfit over with slight contempt.
"My, you've shaped up for the summer." I looked down incredibly embarrassed at my attire but felt relief when I saw a genuine smile grow across her face. She had a glint in her eye of woman to woman pride, as if she knew what a triumph it was for me to be able to wear something like that. The fact she seemed proud of me made me think I might have looked okay in it.
"Sorry, I'm headed to the pool for guard training, I ..."
"Yes, yes, summer is calling. First, I lose you all to Student Council, marching band, athletics, debate team, and what was your latest endeavor with tournaments every Monday last Fall and Spring? Oh yes, golf."
She moved toward her desk to fumble through a stack of papers. Dear God, please don't let her pull up last week's quiz and force me to stay here and lose my job.
"I'm just suggesting if you'd hung out here a little more or given my class half the time, I think you could have excelled as well as your buddies."
"Actually, I came here to get—" She handed me a collection of papers stapled together with Adrian Reed written across the top.
"Oh, did Reagan..." Cutting me off, Mrs. Keagan shook her head.
"I knew you ladies wouldn't forget him. It's their final." She passed me the papers and guided me through all the notes to relay to him. I thanked her quietly and headed out in the hallway as not to disturb her tutorial students any further.
"You know he could help you..." Her voice called me back as she leaned out of her classroom doorway, with a knowing look. "If you had the time, Miss Edwards." Her eyebrow was raised. "Adrian's one of my best calculous students, even with his absence from class, and trig was a breeze for him. You should ask him to show you a few pointers when you drop this by."
She held her hand up for me to wait and appeared seconds later with my quiz in her hand. It had an "F" circled across the top in red.
"It's not as scary as it looks, although you should be terrified. It was a small quiz. You got the first half correct, but that second half was worth all the points. I've taken the opportunity to mark the equations you should rework and be able to factor before the exam on Thursday. I trust you'll need more than a "B" plus to bring this one up? Ask him. He'll help you."
I smiled at her, grateful for her interest and faith in me although I had shown no interest in her subject. She was a good egg. An educator who was worth the prestige and hype of Pure Pines because she was a good person who genuinely cared that we got it. It wasn't just for show or accolades on her end.
Ask him??! As if my pride could EVER allow him to see an "F" on any body of work I'd done. To be honest, Mrs. Keagan and I knew a "C" minus was the best I could hope to muster for the overall semester. The class was ridiculously hard. The only "A" I made was after staying up all night reading over Lynn's notes from her previous year in class, just to crack out one quiz with flying colors. To ask him for help, I'd have to rewrite the test questions she marked for me to study so he would never see that grade on my actual quiz, and I didn't have time for that.
I flew down the two-lane highway past the school and toward Lynn and Adrian's. Now my banner day had been ruined by a guilt complex over a subject I had written off as my one freebee not to feel guilty over. It was a compliment. She was asking me to live up to my full potential even in a subject I did not excel in.
Why couldn't I accept that and move on? And what did she mean, he could help me? How did she know if he would have done that or if we were friends or... Wow. Even Mrs. Keagan felt she had a better clue about what we were than I did. Ugh. Could I just drop this off and be in Prairie signing up for guard shifts, already?!
I pulled up to Lynn's empty driveway. Out of pure habit, I couldn't help but notice the house next door that haunted me every time I was over at Lynns. Even though I was about to have to muster the strength to knock on its door, I still couldn't help but glance over. The blue notebook was sitting on the porch swing just as Reagan said. I added the stapled assignments to it and began my walk over to Adrian's. It suddenly struck me what I was wearing.
I got incredibly nervous. Any other time I would have felt confident in this outfit endeavor or any ensemble meant to impress; especially if I was showing up at a party where he was supposed to be, and I knew it would guarantee him noticing me across the room. This was different. I hadn't seen him since before his knee injury, and I was barging in on him. Odds are I was Reagan's one phone call, and he was expecting Lynn to drop this over, not me.
Surely he wouldn't think I wore this getup for him? Ugh, the thought of it made me want to turn around and race home. I didn't even feel comfortable parking in the guy's driveway much less knocking on his door. I hated how this demented attraction demanded such an investment of my mind.
His house was alive and warm with kitchen lights glowing and two cars parked in the drive. Good, other people were home. Maybe his stepbrother Sawyer would be there, and I could just hand it over and he'd run it upstairs to Adrian. I just needed to talk myself down at this point to this being a drop and run. Then I would be out the door and on my way to my original destination. My hand was shaking as I raised it to ring the doorbell. This was a mistake.