there was always a part of you that made you think love, romantic love, wasn't real, at least not for you. you believed that you couldn't possibly love someone in the way all your friends were falling in love. it's not like you wanted to fall in love, anyways. you were quite fine as you were, making friends and platonically loving all of them.
you remember listening to your friends' rant about their relationships, trying to understand the way they explained the moment when they noticed their feelings. you found the very topic odd, listening because you cared for them, but having no real interest in the topic at all. somehow, it always switched to the topic of how you still had yet to be in a relationship, and you always shrugged nonchalantly, and said you had never felt the pull towards anyone. it was true, you had never held feelings of romance towards anyone; not even a simple school crush like your friends have talked.
you always had to come up with some excuse or find a way to change the subject when you were a kid. now, it was easier to mention how you never felt a sort of romance toward anyone; your friends were a lot more accepting, reassuring you that they understood.
some of your friends ━ mainly one, related to you. he too, had never felt romance towards another person. you guys bonded over that, growing closer than you were with your other friends. it took you a long time, but you noticed the differences in the way you acted towards him, and the rest of your friends.
it didn't come to you in a dream. it didn't come to you in the feelings of what many had explained as butterflies in their stomach. and it didn't come to you in a flushed face and stuttered words.
it was simple, really. on a date important to people in relationships, a day spent giving chocolates to the ones you loved. a day in which you jokingly asked him to be your other half for the day. and when he accepted with noticeably pink cheeks and a soft smile, it caused you to pause and quickly pull out your phone. you remember speaking to a few friends, those who you were close to and understood you, almost, as much as he did. they helped you slowly come to terms with the fact that, yes, you were romantically attracted to him, and that it was okay to feel a little scared at the sudden realization that you could feel what everyone else can; if maybe a little differently.
it was terrifying, really, suddenly realizing that you had been harboring feelings for him. and you weren't even sure for how long. and it was just as terrifying when your friends urged you to tell him. and it was even more terrifying when you agreed. why'd you agree?
perhaps it was all your fault; you rushed too quickly to tell him about the sudden feelings you only just realized. feelings you were still questioning and trying to come to terms with. perhaps it was your fault, for how overbearing you were; you realized during your time with him, that your love was a suffocating love. perhaps it was your fault, for how hard you found it difficult to openly love someone, fearing that you would make a mistake; that you would turn out like some people in your life you'd rather not talk about.
you weren't ready to love someone, that much was obvious. and so, it must've been your fault.
you were sitting at your desk in your room, fingers tapping against the food and twirling your pen on your finger. you were focusing on a difficult equation when your phone went off, buzzing against your desk and startling you.
you grabbed it, unlocking it to check, when a grin spread across your face, and you quickly disregarded your pen to speak to your boyfriend, who had been the one to interrupt your study time.
SILVER || [name]?
YOU || hi, my love
SILVER || are you busy?
you frowned, suddenly feeling a heavy feeling weigh on your chest. but you chose to shake it off; it was nothing. everything is fine.
YOU || not rlly. just studying. is everything okay?
SILVER || i want to talk, but if you're busy i don't want to distract you.
YOU || it's alright. i can take a break.
SILVER || are you sure?
YOU || yup!
SILVER || so we can talk? we need to.
oh, you really didn't like that.
YOU || of course. you okay?
SILVER || i'm outside.
you quickly stood from your desk, rushing over to your window far quicker than you intended to, tripping over your feet before you clumsily pulled the curtains back to glance outside. and true to his word, your boyfriend was standing outside, gripping his phone and looking the slightest bit uncomfortable. you blinked, a bit shocked to see him; he lived quite far, so you suspected he didn't take into account that you might've been busy with anything.
whatever it was he needed to talk to you about must be too important to say over text.
you shook your head rather harshly, trying to fight off the thoughts that began to eat at you. no, everything is fine.
you quickly made your way out of your room and to the front door, not wanting him to wait any longer than he already had. you opened the door, to be met with your boyfriend waiting almost anxiously ━ how odd, he was never anxious, at least not enough to be noticeable.
"silver?" you called, and he nodded at you in greeting, "come in━"
"no, it's fine." silver shook his head, bowing it soon after, "you'll probably want me to leave after this, anyway."
oh.
"what do you mean?" you voice came out shockingly steady despite the way your heart began to race, and your palms began to sweat. there was no denying it, you knew exactly where this was going. so this is how it feels.
"listen [name], i know i should've told you sooner. but i was confused. i wanted to understand before i came to you."
great start; the voice in your head snarked.
"i know how random this must be for you, i'm sorry." he looked at you and you wondered what you looked like to him; did you look cold? you felt cold. "i like you, i do. but i don't think it's romantic anymore. i think that went away a while ago, but i was just trying to convince myself that the feelings were still there because i didn't want to hurt you. but i realize i'm only hurting you even more by staying in this relationship. i think you're amazing, and i want to stay friends, but a relationship just isn't for us, for me."
you remember reading so many things about situations like this. how the character always cried, or chokingly asked why. but you didn't feel anything, you were just numb; your heart was no longer racing, and your eyes were dry. you just stared at him for a moment, taking in his words.
perhaps he was expecting a more memorable breakup, one where you started to tear up and question continuously about when and why. and a part of you did to, you expected to feel your heart physically break in your chest (and maybe it did, and you just hadn't felt it). you expected your eyes to start a never-ending stream of tears, but that never happened.
you nodded and hummed. calm? maybe. it seemed like it. but you couldn't even tell yourself.
"i understand." you said, and silver stared at you, eyebrows furrowed, "thank you for telling me." you grabbed the door handle and closed the front door halfway, "we can stay friends. i'm okay with that." ━ (are you, though?) "i just ask that you give me some space for now."
how are you doing this? aren't you supposed to be hurt? why aren't you acting like you weren't just panicking after he asked you to talk? why aren't you showing how worried you were when you realized where he was going with his words the moment you answered the door? why do you feel so numb?
"of course." silver nodded.
"thank you." you whispered, nodding at him again, "bye." you didn't even give him a chance to return it before you were shutting the door.
you stood there for a moment, hand on the doorknob and eyes narrowed. why aren't you crying? isn't that the normal response to something like this?
but maybe it's because you expected it far before this moment; you weren't a person someone could love. you know that. you knew that the moment you and him started your relationship.
you didn't cry, but you think your heart did break; just like the books would say. except it was silent, unnoticeable.
you really did love him. your first love; one you loved hard. and you guys hadn't even been together that long.
ah, of course this was the outcome. it was your fault. maybe being in love just wasn't for you.