"When did everything turn out like this? Why do I feel like I'm doing something wrong?" Lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling, I couldn't help but wonder. My recent conversation with Leah repeatedly replayed in my mind as I absentmindedly threw a tennis ball up and caught it again.
Initially, when Lia and I started texting, I found it intriguing. She would message me almost daily, genuinely interested in every aspect of my life. It felt strange yet refreshing to share how my days went with someone other than the guys. It didn’t take long before I saw the obvious that Lia had romantic feelings for me.
I continued contemplating the situation with Lia, feeling like I might have unintentionally led her on. Part of me considered giving our relationship a chance, hoping we might eventually be emotionally on the same page. However, I felt embarrassed when my friends learned about the whole thing, and I couldn't quite grasp why I felt that way.
My emotions were tangled and confusing, torn between wanting to spare Lia's feelings and trying why I’m uncomfortable that my friends knew about our “friendship”. I found myself trapped in this web of uncertainty, unsure of how to handle the situation without causing pain to either of us.
Deep down, I knew that honesty and empathy were the only way forward, even if it meant facing the uncomfortable truth. By having an open and sincere conversation, I could show respect for Lia's feelings and give her the opportunity to understand where I stood in our friendship. While I couldn't control how she would react, I could, at the very least, treat her with kindness and honesty.
It was not an easy decision, and I felt the weight of the potential hurt I might cause. However, avoiding the truth and keeping her in the dark would only prolong the pain and confusion. So, with a heavy heart, I resolved to have that honest conversation with Lia, knowing that it was the right thing to do for both of us in the long run.
After a few days, we returned from the World Awakened Academy and gathered at Jiwoo's house, as was our usual routine, Subin discovered I was texting Leah. I noticed the puzzled look on her face. However, Subin didn't express concern or reveal any feelings for me; she remained distant, like a stranger. At that moment, I felt a mix of emotions, relief and an inexplicable heaviness in my heart, but I brushed it aside without paying much attention.
Then Subin stopped hanging out with us and during her absence, which was due to her grandfather's prohibitions, I found myself consumed by this peculiar feeling. As a result, I refrained from corresponding with Lia. Instead, I tried to engage with Subin, hoping to understand what was going on with her. She had been acting strangely, causing worry among our friends Wooin and Jiwoo, but my attempts to reach out to her proved futile.
Fortunately, with the help of Mister Kartein, Mister Kayden, and Professor Dellein, Her grandfather was healed and Subin eventually returned to our company. After our gang’s reunion, I restarted my correspondence with Lia Eresby. Things seemed to be back to normal, or at least as normal as they could be. I still couldn't shake off the lingering emotions from that moment Subin found out about Lia.
Lying in the twilight of my room, I couldn't ignore the uneasy feelings that had been raging inside me. I had brushed them off before, trying to focus on being there for my friends and for Leah. Navigating the complexities of our relationships had been challenging, but until now, I hadn't given much thought to the guilt I was feeling.
As I reflected on the events and emotions of the past, I knew that I needed to take a closer look at my surroundings, particularly the only girl in our company – Subin.
"Why her? Why did I suddenly start feeling something for Subin? Is it because we've been side by side for a long time? Is it because we've known each other since childhood?"
I don't understand this anymore. But I know for sure that I need to distance myself from Subin a bit and communicate with Leah more. I think this will be the best solution for us. Subin doesn't like me, the cheeky «Shinhwa». And even if she does, her grandfather will be strongly against our relationship. I could imagine the disapproving faces of our elders. I chuckled at that thought.
“We definitely can’t be together,”
However, the doorbell rang, forcing me to go downstairs to check who had come this late at night. Looking through the peephole, I saw Subin standing with a folder filled with all sorts of documents.
“What brings you here this late? It’s eleven o'clock in the evening?” frowning as I opened the door and leaned on the door frame.
"I wouldn't have come if I didn't have to, you moron," Subin replied with an annoyed expression. “Grandpa had some urgent paperwork to be handed personally to Unni. Hence, I’m here. Could you call her?”
“Just your luck, she is not home,” I replied with a bored expression.
“Crap!” Subin hissed. “I should have called before coming here!” She sighed heavily.
"Hmm, she's pretty cute when she's angry. It's probably why I always want to annoy her," I thought, observing the girl rubbing the bridge of her nose and whispering something.
"Then let's do this. I will hand over the documents to you, and you will tell Jiyoung that they are from my grandfather, okay?" she asked, but I didn't fully register her words. My gaze was drawn to her, and I couldn't help but notice her soft, plump, and slightly parted lips.
“Damn, what am I even doing?“ I scolded myself for allowing my thoughts to wander in an inappropriate direction. The surge of unexpected emotions overwhelmed me, causing my mind to momentarily lose focus. Shaking my head, I forced myself to snap out of it and concentrate on what Subin was saying, pushing aside any distracting thoughts.
“Hello, can you hear me?” She snapped her fingers in front of my eyes. “Will you do what I asked you when Unni arrives?”
“Okay, but the next time we hang out at Jiwoo’s it will be from your wallet.”
“Damn you, Jisuk!” She muttered as she looked at my smug face. I don’t plan on emptying her wallet, but I just wanted to tease her. She glared at me before giving in.
“Deal!” She muttered as she slapped the folder on my chest. “Don’t you dare spend much that day!” she warned me then thanked me sarcastically.
"Should I step away from her so I can get rid of these raging feelings? Well, yes, of course, you idiot," I reminded myself to do so. But I grabbed her wrist on impulse when I saw her leaving.
"What are you doing?" Subin asked confused.
"I... I was just a little taken aback when you offered the deal," I stammered, my heart racing as I leaned closer to her. "I want to take another fee."
Before I could fully process my words, I found myself pulling her towards me, and our lips met in an unexpected kiss. Subin made a questioning sound and tried to pull away, but I couldn't let her go. Instead, I held onto the back of her head and drew her even closer as the intensity of the moment heightened.
Her hands found their way to my shoulders, and her palms gently grazed the back of my neck. “She’s kissing me back!” For a brief moment, time seemed to stand still as we surrendered to this unanticipated connection.
To be honest, I wished the moment could linger a little longer, but a faint sound nearby snapped us back to reality. We quickly pulled away, breathless and wide-eyed, exchanging knowing glances.
"Hmm, am I disturbing you?" It was Jiyoung, she was back and she saw the whole thing.
“Jiyoung?!!” Subin exclaimed all flustered as she instinctively backed away from me.
“Subin brought you these.” I handed her the documents giving her an annoyed look. “Take them and go inside.” I dismissed her.
“And you?” she teased. “Are you going to sleep outside tonight, or do you have somewhere to go? She said in sarcasm.
I looked at Subin, who was already blushing brightly, out of the corner of my eye. "I'll be right there," I replied to my sister before she entered the house, leaving us alone.
"Jerk!" Subin slapped me. "What was that?! What fly bit you?!"
"Don't you get it?" I stared into her eyes.
"Get what?" She asked raising an eyebrow, forcing me to say words I might regret in the morning.
"I like you, Lee Subin. What about you?" I confessed. She looked shocked and got quiet before lowering her eyes to the floor, avoiding my gaze.
She seemed lost in her thought, thinking how best to answer me. I never would have thought that this self-confident girl would be cornered after my confession, especially after a kiss. (She is one of the boys but she is still very much a girl). I couldn’t help but smile, but stopped myself from doing so.
“I-I…” Her voice quivered but glared at me. “Devil! she scolded.
“Subin, Look at me.” I lifted her chin. “I want to hear the truth now, no matter how ugly it maybe” I asked her seriously. My gaze unwavering.
“I don’t know what I feel for you okay!, but ... I probably just pity you… but I…I liked our kiss.” She begrudgingly admitted. “Damn you!” she hissed.
It somehow stung after hearing that she doesn’t feel the same way I do. I turned my gaze elsewhere as I wanted to avoid more pain. I calmed myself and took deep breaths before deciding at that moment what I wanted to do.
“Then…” I looked at her again. “Let’s try… dating,” I suggested. My heart was beating fast. I would probably get rejected,
She threw me an annoyed look. “I want to kill you, not be in a relationship with you.
Her response was expected, but nevertheless, hate is often said to be just a step closer to love.
“What will the elders say? Especially my grandfather?” she asked with concern. It looked like she already made up her mind to date me.
“Jiyoung already knows, so we don’t need to worry from my side, we’ll deal with the others a little later,” I ran my hand over her cheek, causing her to shyly look down.
“I think Jiwoo and Wooin will only be happy about it.” I tried to reassure her that we will have our friends’ support.
“Let's see what happens. I have to go.” She pulled away and turned her back.
"What do you think you're doing, going home alone? It's already late! Give me a minute. I'll just grab my hoodie and spend the night. "
"No!" she answered firmly. "I need to clear my head after everything that's happened, so I'll go alone." Subin seemed to look at me with a mixture of affection and understanding and added, "Good night, you idiot!"
"Sweet dreams, fool!" I replied almost in a whisper.
I smiled lightly and followed the girl with my eyes, realising that now our relationship would never be the same. It was clear that for the sake of a future with Subin, I needed to stop communicating with Lia.
"That was unexpected," said a voice behind me. "I never thought I would see such a picture. Honestly, I stood in a stupor for several seconds."
"Jiyoung, let's not do this, agreed? Otherwise, I will joke even worse when I see you with a guy, and we both know who I'm talking about."
"Okay," she replied with an amused face. "If you are happy, then I'm only glad," with those words, she entered the house, leaving me as I process my feelings.
"Maybe I'll regret what happened someday, but not today," I too, went into the house, contemplating how to ask Subin out on a date.